How often do you see adult dcs.

[whatisforteamum]

My ds moved out almost 3 years ago.
I thought we were close and he only moved an hour and a half away.
Obviously I missed him but got used to the quiet and rang each other every other week.
Last yr I visited him 3 times which was an achievement as I struggle with public transport and anxiety.
He came here twice.
It doesn't seem very much to me.
DD has bought a house lives 200 miles away and we see her about the same or less.
How often do you see dcs .yes I know they have their own lives.

One son, lives 60 miles away. I am the one who texts/rings to arrange stuff. He came here once last year, I took my mum to see his new flat once, then we met him for his birthday.... so far this year he's not rung or text, and I've not seen him. He's single, no children, good job.
I think times have changed, when I was his age I visited my patents once a week, and after my dad died I rang my mum most evenings - they lived 40 miles away

On average every 6 weeks or so, they come here or we visit them (but we are in good health and drive so it's easy for us to do). We are in touch several times a week via messenger though, and if we haven't seen them for a while will FaceTime for a proper catch up.

Son lives 6 hours away, with no direct route via road or public transport. We text regularly, and Skype every week for a couple of hours.

He visits about 3 times a year for a week at a time. Alas, my work set up means I can't visit him, but he's very understanding about that.

When I lived a similar distance from my parents, I visited once a year, and they visited me once a year. My Dad phoned about once a week, and if he didn't phone I'd phone them.

I don't think it's down to different times so much as to particular relationships and life situations. I'm sure when he has a serious relationship he'll be in touch less, but I'm prepared for that.

I see my mum 2-3 times a week and we see my in laws about once a week. All live no more then a 15 minute drive away.

One DD lives about 2.5 hours drive away. We see her every couple of months. We either go up to her for a weekend or she comes to us.

Other DD lives 20 min away and comes for dinner once a week. We also meet for drinks or cinema now and then.

Also have weekends away together and holidays.

@JudgeMenthol have you messaged or rung him this year?

I have, the call went to voice mail, and texts around Xmas were answered - he was at his dad's for Xmas- more recent texts have gone unanswered. They've never been answered the same day, so this isn't unusual

DS lives 40 minutes away. I see him about once a year. He's FAR too busy to see me more🙄. DD lives 2 hours away and I see her about 4 times a year, though this seems to be increasing and will be seeing her for the second time this year already when I visit this week.

Depends on age mainly and to a certain extent on location.

If your dc have just left home and are maybe studying at uni op, and right up to mid- or late-twenties, then it’s quite usual I think for young folk to be out living their lives, having adventures, getting to grips with careers, and friendships and falling in love etc. And consequently they check in at home less frequently. I think that’s quite healthy tbh! 😃

After that time, when they settle down, and perhaps children appear, then our presence is required again!

I see my parents once every 2 weeks or so. We see my in-laws maybe 3 times per year. All of us are in the same town. In-laws are nice but keep to themselves – they get a bit overwhelmed around our children.

Some of these stories are really sad. I hope my children won't be so distant from me when they're older. I'm come from a culture where you see your family more (unlike my English DH).

I only have one, lives very nearby but works away a lot, is currently abroad until the end of March, then back for a few weeks, then off again for about three months I think. I see a fair bit when here, keep in touch when away. It doesn't bother me one way or the other, we get on well but both have our own lives.

Not very often - a few times a year due to distance and busy lives - but that includes a week around Christmas and a few days /week in the summer

I forgot to say that I think travel costs factor in more than they used to. Train fairs are ridiculously expensive in the UK compared to the rest of Europe.

In between visits from them, Dh and I usually take a few days break within striking distance of our adults dc nowadays, so that they don’t have to bear all of the costs.

And the beauty of it is we do our thing, and they do theirs, and we meet up in the middle at various points,, but it’s never out of obligation.

With my DDs though, I never feel like we are entirely out of touch bc we are on a family WhatsApp group. It’s not the same as seeing them in person, but it is nice to swap photos and keep up to date with most things!

I graduated and moved overseas and didn't see my parents for over 2 years and this was before internet and mobiles. So goodness knows how they felt.

I was 22 and having a blast and didn't even think how I may have been impacting them.

My own DS is about to go and travel and work overseas so I kind of hope we may catch up a bit more but I've put no expectations on him.

I also think it depends to an extent on their relationship with where you are living. Of course they come home to see us mainly, and to take a respite from adulting 😁, but it helps if they have friends in the area and there are nice things to do round and about. Or if they can bring friends home during the summer for example. We have had a couple of stray international students come and join us and our adult dc for Christmas too.

If they can be their new “adult” selves at home and go out and meet friends, I think it’s easier for them, than when they have to revert to their childhood or adolescent selves ifyswim,

My parents live in the States and I live in Scotland. I try to get back home 2-3 times a year (anywhere from 5-7 days at a time), and they come over here every other year or so, usually enroute to somewhere else, so only stay a few days with me. I try to call my mom every week, though admittedly sometimes forget. I call my dad less frequently. We do text, but only randomly. My parents do not call me or email me unless there's an emergency - I am the 'instigator' for all phone calls.

In contrast, my husband's parents live in Cornwall. We try to get down there 1-2 times a year, but they haven't been to see us since 2022. My husband calls home every other week or so, and his mom texts occasionally with news about her health.

Honestly, I feel exhausted thinking about trying to visit family on either side more - work is so full on, home is so full on. We don't even have kids yet - just a zillion cats - and I don't know how to squeeze more in. I do feel like a bad daughter sometimes because I don't do more, and I'm very envious of friends who see their parents more and speak to their parents more. That said, when I do speak to my parents, I often find it quite draining - lots of negativity, complaining about each other (still married, though), health concerns, gossip about people I don't know, etc. Very little interest in me or my husband. I try to pump myself up for it but, on top of everything else going on in life, it can sometimes feel like a lot!

Also - sorry - keep thinking of things!

I used to hate coming home as an adult dc and my parents they had virtually put their entire lives on hold and were planning the week’s menu for me almost as I walked in the door!

It was very well intentioned but it made me feel like I caused them a lot of work and was a burden, or at least a disruption to their ordinary lives.

So when our adult dc come home now, everything carries on as usual, and they slot in with whatever we are doing, plus we arrange extra outings and meals out etc,

In other words, it helps if there is interesting stuff going on at home and it’s a fun place to return to!

DM lives about 45 minutes away and I see her maybe once every couple of months. I call every week though. She never comes here (doesn’t drive and struggles with trains) and we have busy weekends (both work full time) that we would rather spend at home with children. DF lives 5 hours away and we see him once or twice a year.

Did you see the bit where op struggles with public transport?

Two of my children live abroad - I see one maybe twice a year, the other is nearer. The two in the U.K. about the same - I do however make the effort to go and see them, not expect them to come here every time. We do regular zoom calls so I feel I see them quite a lot more, even if not in person. Could you get some help with your anxiety around travelling? And fill your life up with more activity so you don’t feel cut off?

what on earth do you talk about with your child / parents on a daily basis?!?

3 adult dc
Dd lives in city 90 mins away. She was here for a week at Christmas and one weekend since. I visited her one afternoon. She messages regularly and we have a longer chat at weekends. She decides when as she is busier than me.
Ds 1 lives in that city too. Also here for a week at Christmas and a weekend since. Rarely messages but calls me every weekend.
Ds 2 lives nearby and pops in and out. Often for just 5 minutes. We go to his when invited for lunch etc
I find the secret is have a busy life yourself. Don't hang around waiting for them. It also means there is lots to chat about. I play a sport and they all message me after each game wondering how l got on etc.
I am probably guilty of not going to them much as they come here for food/ rest/ chilling but it's hassle for me driving in the city. When they have dc l will go more..hopefully. putting pressure never works.

I see my mum probably 3-4 times a week. We live about 8 minutes from each other and she helps a lot with childcare.

Obviously if she was a significant distance away, then it wouldn’t be that often.

I see eldest (25) about once every 6 weeks, usually a lunch arranged by me - I always go to his (about 20 min drive away) as he doesn't drive. He works full time and is busy and tired on his days off so I don't expect more from him. We text or speak maybe weekly/fortnightly. He always comes to us on his birthday and at Christmas.

I also have one at uni (4 hours drive away) who we message most days and speak at least once a week. Obvs only see her in the holidays atm.

We have a family WhatsApp group that we all message on most days.

I think considering your dc's live quite far away the amount of visits sounds perfectly normal. I know for me once I'd left home I never really wanted to go back. I find my dm's house and the area I grew up in utterly depressing.

I agree with this - if my dm had her way I'd ring her every day! I hate talking on the phone and struggle with small talk. I message her every day to keep her happy. It's easier talking to the dc's but even them I'd struggle to know what to talk about more than once a week. There's only so many ways you can ask "so, what are you up to?"