How often do you see adult dcs.

[whatisforteamum]

My ds moved out almost 3 years ago.
I thought we were close and he only moved an hour and a half away.
Obviously I missed him but got used to the quiet and rang each other every other week.
Last yr I visited him 3 times which was an achievement as I struggle with public transport and anxiety.
He came here twice.
It doesn't seem very much to me.
DD has bought a house lives 200 miles away and we see her about the same or less.
How often do you see dcs .yes I know they have their own lives.

There is the thing.
I thought we had a great relationship
I also wonder if his DP is controlling as they go to his older parents more....bigger house by the coast bit more money to entertain.
We have a family group chat where we info dump what's going on in our lives
I hope none of us regret this as we get older.
I saw my parents once or twice a week as it was only a short car journey.

Luckylavender sounds like the situation with our adult DD.

Every week.
Text every day.

What a weird question.

This thread is so interesting! I see my very young adult DC maybe 3 or 4 times a year, but we chat on Whatsapp every day.

Today I've sent them photos of clothes I was trying on for their views ("minging"), we've talked about a work trip that one DD was told she'd be going on, and we competitively did the Mini crossword!

You mentioned public transport, are you able to learn to drive so you can visit more?

One visits around once monthly for Sunday dinner, always arranged by me. One visits every weekend, sometimes staying overnight, sometimes just for a meal. One lives around 100 miles away and we meet a couple of times a year, usually staying over one or two nights.

If you want to see them more frequently you need to tell them and maybe do something to meet them half way.

I.e. what steps have you taken or are you going to take to combat your anxiety? My DM plays on this when it suits if she doesn’t want to do something. If she wants to do something it is never referred to.

Could you maybe suggest meeting somewhere halfway literally for lunch or to go for a walk in warmer weather or do an activity.

The phone works both ways nothing to stop you phoning or messaging a little more frequently you shouldn’t expect them to do all the running especially if you want more contact.

How well do you treat the partner and please don’t make assumptions. My MIL thinks and has said as much to SIL and myself that I/we both control DH and DBIL and stop them visiting and contacting her. Whereas, in reality he is happy with me and life and BIL is happy with SIL and they both think visiting is hard work and honestly if it wasn’t for us reminding them she would see and hear from them a heck of a lot less.

I imagine you probably have more time on your hands could you make yourself a little busier (then you would have more to chat about when you do meet or speak) than them and you are the one wanting a change so you need to think of a plan or plans of action.

Just saying sometimes there are two sides to every story and sometimes times change. My GP’s especially my grandmother was keen on entertaining, having her family round and putting on a buffet or at least cake and sandwiches. So everyone visited them. My DM makes little to no effort and doesn’t even offer us a drink even if she is having one. The kids now grown up early twenties are sometimes offered a biscuit (to eat in the car as they are leaving). When I visited with them when they were little she would put a film on for them with the tv turned up loudly she rarely talked to them or anything.

I don't think it is, firstly i don't know how people find the time to talk daily (I struggle to fit in an hour on the phone once a fortnight!) and secondly, nothing that exciting happens from day to day that we need to exchange news! oooh, what did you do today.....well I went to a work meeting and washed the bedding.....

How far are they?

I have a driving license and had to stop due to menopause anxiety.
When I say anxiety I mean I've had agoraphobia a couple of times and ok times for yrs in between.
I've had tonnes of therapy don't drink, exercise daily go to bed early.
Thank you for the suggestions.
I think it's me who needs to be busy.
Bizarrely I recently stepped back from 55/60 hour working weeks.

DS1 , every few months face to face, but message at least a few times a week. Lives an hour away.
DS2, lives closest, 20 mins away. Can vary, averages once a month face to face, but currently more often. Message as and when.
DD a few times a year face to face, messages 3-4 times a week. 3.5 hrs away.
Good relationships with all but in a adult way. They are all very independent.

I've got four who all live locally. I will see each of them perhaps once every six weeks or so, so around one each week. But it depends, three of them are married/in partnerships so I tend to see them less as weekends when they aren't working (and neither am I) are few and far between, so spare time is valuable. The one who isn't currently attached I probably see more of/speak to more often but it's probably still only once every couple of weeks.

The other one lives in Australia, and I speak to her via Messenger or Zoom maybe once a fortnight (she is VERY busy though).

Love them all very much but they have full lives and so do I, so we have to make time for each other and it can be hard. I see them more in the summer when the days are longer.

No, I just zone out 😁

I see mine every year weeks ( live 300 miles away) . Phone call weekly and random messages

Text or WhatsApp at least once most days. See ds once a week-dd at least once a month. Share Wordle and connections scores.

Our son (26) lives 2 hours away in London with girlfriend- we see him here maybe every 4 to 6 weeks and occasionally in between if we are up there for work - my H talks to him
Most days though as they disect politics daily!! And I talk to him maybe twice a week - his GF WhatsApp's me several times a week too

My Ds lives next door. I look after DGD one day a week and she's at Nursery the other days so sometimes I don't see them again until the following week especially in the winter.
In summer I see them most days in the garden.

I talk to my mum every day and see her once a week -we are 45 mins away

My brother's are 20mins away also see her once sometimes twice a week and talk once a day

We see PIL who live 1.5hrs away once every 6-8 weeks

I have 3 adult sons 31,27,23
All live within 20 miles.
Average is every 3 months.
Coincidentally I saw DS2 and DP and DS3 on Sunday first time since Christmas.
I'm happy they are busy working and enjoying their own lives
However, if I needed help or support in anyway( I'm disabled) I know they would jump in their cars immediately and come to me.

Having said that Relationship with DS1 is difficult at the moment. I used to see him weekly, but not seen him since Christmas including his birthday which was earlier this month. He's 20 minutes away

This. We lived 200 miles away for work when we were in our 20s before kids. I've never forgotten how little effort the inlaws made to come and see us. They came once in 4 years and that was only to use us as a place to stay before they got a flight tto their holidays the next day. (In contrast my parents came down often.) It came down to lack of effort. They used the excuse that they looked after a grandchild a few days during the week. But there are weekends, and other times they didn't have to do childcare.

Nothing much changed after we moved back to our home city and started a family. We are only a 20 minute drive away and it has always been us driving to theirs. They come at Christmas, or to deliver a birthday present and that's it. Guess which set of grandparents have a closer relationship with our kids?

Actually they never even came to my dad's funeral. That was hurtful. Said their car wasn't working properly. But never asked DH for a lift, or discussed getting a taxi.

I used to visit them once a week with DH. But now I'm finding menopause and working FT more of a struggle my weekends are precious. I need the downtime and rest and I also need to catch up in the house. However I think had they made more effort with us all these years I'd feel more inclined to make the effort to visit them, particularly now that MIL is having some mobility issues. But I don't particularly have the inclination. So I prioritise seeing my mum who I have more of a relationship with, because she has made the effort to maintain the relationshp all these years.

My own kids are away at uni and really busy. We visit them both once or twice a term and stay a night or two, take them out etc, leaving after work on a Friday night if necessary. I do know parents in a similar situation who don't bother to do this even though they can afford it. They see it as their children can just come home on the train if they want to see them. They forget that the lack of effort to put themselves out speaks volumes to adult children.

5 times a year sounds pretty good for a busy adult, presumably with a job, social life etc. Just be happy he's doing well.

We lived in a very small flat when we lived 200 miles away from our home city. We bought a sofa bed and when people like my parents, or those with a young child came to stay we slept on the sofa bed and they slept in our bed. It can be done, where there's a will there's a way and all that.

There are other options too. Meeting half way to spend the day together somewhere nice.

Exactly. I grew up seeing grandparents 2 or 3 times a year, so to me that is completely normal for adult children. Any more sounds completely suffocating. Adult children move on, live their lives - which is what anyone would want for their kids, surely?