Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has been lying and hiding money from me

95 replies

Anon1234508 · 24/02/2025 23:00

Husband has been hiding money from me and lying about it

So pretty much as the title describes. My husband has been hiding a large amount of money from me in separate accounts and lying about it. We have 15 years together, 8 married and 1 child with 1 more on the way.

I’m currently 7 months pregnant, and this is causing me so much stress.

I should start by saying that I only found out about this as he bought a car without consulting me, for the second time, which we argued about and his mum text me to talk and this is where I started questioning things. When I asked about the deposit he told me his parents were paying this, but his mum had text me saying that he would lose the money if he cancelled because I was mad. First red flag. His dad had also told me that he was going to put some money towards the car but husband had put it down without asking them so another red flag.

Fast forward lots of arguing and upset later, he is adamant his parents are paying for it, even acts like he’s worried and upset about it when I said they think you’re paying. I tell him I don’t think he’s telling me the full story and lying to me, I’m pretty upset and angry at this point. He continues to tell me that he isn’t lying. I ask to see messages from his mum - which he has coincidentally deleted some of the messages. I log in to his Facebook to see that his messages said that he had another account he’d been paying into and didn’t want me to know, so he already had the money.

Obviously this set me off, as he’d flat out lied to my face and denied any lying and wrong doing even when point blank asked. I was pretty hysterical at this point, as I’m pregnant I’ve been so stressed about money and maternity leave, only to find out he has a secret bank account he’s been paying into every month, and telling me that he’s paying back his parents that money for the car when he isn’t. We have had convos about maternity leave and money where I’ve suggested asking for a payment holiday from his parents and he has never once owned up to not having to pay that. He has complained he’s short on money some months and I’ve offered to top up his wage to what I have etc. I pay any extra I get each month into a shared savings account so we always have the same amount of money each month and now I feel so stupid.

So now more starts coming out - he actually has money in crypto too and cash in his drawer. PLUS £20k in another hidden bank account his parents gave him ‘to keep to himself as a security blanket’. Now to me, this screams that he’s planning to leave me and the kids and he has a little nest egg for when the time comes. Why else lie about it?
I ask him and it gets very heated, I go into another room can’t even stand to look at him. He has absolutely no explanation as to why he’s hidden it from me and doesn’t have much to say other than ‘well my parents told me to’.

I’m honestly devastated. He’s been lying to me for years. He got that money around the time I fell pregnant with our son, and has never mentioned it. We almost lost 5k being scammed a year back and lost our savings, meaning I thought we couldn’t keep trying for another baby and I was heartbroken, but still he hid it from me.

He wouldn’t even have told me had I not gone to see those deleted messages. I’m so hurt, like I never have been before and I just don’t know how to move forward. He was distraught at the thought of me leaving him but I just don’t know how I’ll ever trust him again.

I’ve been so stressed, upset, devastated at times and he’s just had £24k he’s been sat on and said nothing.

I don’t know how to recover from this pain, I love him but I don’t feel like he loves me as if he did he wouldn’t have done this to me. I am the one who looks after all our finances, our bills, mortgage etc. everything. We have a 4 year old and a baby due in the next 7 weeks and right now I just don’t see a way forward.

I feel betrayed, embarrassed, disgusted and devastated. He’s the one I’m supposed to trust the most and turn to and I don’t feel like I’ll ever do that again.
We have always (I thought) had a very transparent relationship and I have always loved him with all my heart. I have given him children and in return he’s lied to me and hidden money from me.

If you have been through this before, please help me and tell me it can get better. If you haven’t, any insight from the outside would be great. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 25/02/2025 05:24

Leave Flowers

And go through CMS for child support so that you get the correct amount.

With someone like this you just can't trust anything he says so you'll need to leave the payments to the professionals.

Nothatgingerpirate · 25/02/2025 05:39

Well, sometimes women get advice to have
a hidden "escape fund".
I'm a woman and have one, although utterly unnecessary.
Just saying.

autumn1610 · 25/02/2025 05:51

dont agree with him hiding the money he used for the car you made this sound like a Separate account or him asking for money when he’s been skint. However women are told to have an escape fund so I can’t see the difference with that part

Kleptronic · 25/02/2025 05:51

I've been there. It will get better once you've separated and gone through the grieving process. The person you love doesn't exist. I am so very sorry for your pain. I apologise for my bluntness.

You can and will get through it and be happy again one day. You already run everything as it is. You can do this.

Changeissmall · 25/02/2025 06:02

One of the things that made me leave was a moment of realisation when I was standing in front of the ‘three for £10’ meat offer in Tesco trying to work out if it was better value to buy three things or better just to get the mince I wanted. I had three small children with me.

He was away at the football where he’d driven in his expensive car, staying in a hotel and buying rounds at the bar. So. I was putting all my effort and money into our family and he was prioritising himself every time he had a choice.

It’s fundamental. You’ve lost the trust. He’s shown you where his priorities lie. And his parents encouraging this is pretty poor.

Original poster
Anon1234508 · 25/02/2025 06:58

If I’d ever given him reason to have an ‘escape fund’ I’d understand. But we’ve had nothing but a lovely relationship for 15 years. I get angry and we argue, everyone does. But it never lasts, I’ve never hit him or anything. He doesn’t have a reason to have an escape fund.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 25/02/2025 07:01

He's a mumsnetter, having a secret 'fuck off' fund is normal advice here.

Mix56 · 25/02/2025 07:13

Escape fund is one thing, but does he need a new car when you say you as a family are in financial difficulty.
He sounds like he is an entirely selfish arsehole & treats himself while his family are stressed & struggling. & he knows.
Not much to love there really

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 25/02/2025 07:19

Okay i am usually all for leave the bastard but let's pause for a sec.

He says his parents told him to. 🙄
Fine.
Does he see now this is wrong and is he at this point willing to put some or all into a joint savings account or for there to be some level of transparency between you?
If so and you are heavily pregnant i would be incredibly angry but i am not sure id be throwing my marriage down the drain 2 months before giving birth.

If he is doubling down and tell you its his money and you can piss off .... thats a bit different

rockstarshoes · 25/02/2025 07:20

Those people talking about having escape funds, do you think any of these escape funds would be sat their while their partners talked about mortgage holidays & restricting the size of their family if while they sat & watched their pregnant partner worry about their maternity leave?

No they wouldn't!

Ignore the comments about running away funds it's a red herring!

Namechangeforthis88 · 25/02/2025 07:28

I don't believe his parents told him to. You've already established he brings his parents in to his lies to evade responsibility.

Don't listen to this escape fund comparison nonsense. Women need emergency funds as they will almost certainly have to take children, their earning is limited by childcare and often they earn less in the first place. Men typically just merrily go on earning more and only need a single room. This is totally opposite. If anything, he has been the financially abusive partner, it's not him that needs an escape fund.

Original poster
Anon1234508 · 25/02/2025 07:31

No he’s offered to move it all, work at it etc. he’s pretty distraught at the idea of me leaving.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/02/2025 07:31

I also have an escape fund, but that’s because my marriage is a car wreck and we will be separating. So that would suggest to me that he’s thinking that it might not last.

RetroTotty · 25/02/2025 07:40

Anon1234508 · 25/02/2025 07:31

No he’s offered to move it all, work at it etc. he’s pretty distraught at the idea of me leaving.

'Distraught' eh? Then he puts the money in your joint account and forgets having a new car. He also keeps his parents out of your marriage.

Pigeonqueen · 25/02/2025 07:46

RetroTotty · 25/02/2025 07:40

'Distraught' eh? Then he puts the money in your joint account and forgets having a new car. He also keeps his parents out of your marriage.

Show quote history

This.

If he agrees to this and you have total transparency going forwards then I think it’s worth working at it. But I can understand how hurt you feel. I left my now ex dh for similar things. Only you know if you can come back from it or not. When I met now dh I was very clear that the only way I’d have him move in etc was if we shared all finances and had equal spending money.

SparklyGlitterballs · 25/02/2025 07:56

At the very least he should show you his bank statements so you can see everything coming in, and move all secret money to your joint/savings account. If there's no transparency then there's no trust.

In addition, any large purchases such as the car should be discussed in advance and agreed upon, not bought on the sly and lied about.

I would expect a heartfelt apology too.

ElBandito · 25/02/2025 07:57

He's not just got an escape fund, he's also got a car to escape in!

In addition he's been taking extra money from OP. It's verging on financial abuse.

I'm not sure I'd leave right now if I were in exactly the situation you are in with the pregnancy, but he would have to work at it and there would have to be financial transparency from now on.

KimP85 · 25/02/2025 08:02

I would be exactly like you and think the same.. is he planning on leaving, why lie about it?

Why would he have you worrying when pregnant about money and if you will be ok. What's worse is the fact that you topped up his wages from your own money when he's saying he's skint and he's probably then putting your said money into his other savings account or spending your money so he doesn't have to dip into his savings. That's sly.

Moving forward it's a big thing to get over. He's not been truthful with you at all. If it was me I think I might be willing to work on the marriage only if he moved all savings into your joint account and he knew that if he EVER did anything like this again then the marriage would be over.

Maybe you saying you are thinking of leaving might scare him into never doing it again.

Justleaveitblankthen · 25/02/2025 08:02

Yep, ignore the one line smart arse comments normalising a running away fund.
Not the same thing at all if they had bothered to read your OP.

It would be beyond over for me OP 💐

DustyLee123 · 25/02/2025 08:03

The thing is, you’re never going to be able to trust him again. You’re always going to be wondering.

RunningJo · 25/02/2025 08:10

I think if you honestly don’t see a way past this, then you have to plan to leave, because if you don’t then you will regret it years down the line.
it’s rarely an easy decision to decide to go, but only you know if talking / apologies are enough

Original poster
Anon1234508 · 25/02/2025 08:14

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear, I offered the money but he didn’t take it. It’s more the fact he let me think he was short on money when in actual fact he had plenty.

OP posts:
jannier · 25/02/2025 08:18

My BIL did similar his wages went into one account then he faked wages going into the joint account. Kept my sil and his kids on the bread line begging from my parents. She only found out after kicking him out on his third affair.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/02/2025 08:23

I think he has the right to have his own savings but it’s the lie for me.

FartSock5000 · 25/02/2025 08:26

@Anon1234508 you're feelings are valid.

You've put your all into the relationship and made yourself vulnerable by having children and he has been lying and sneaking money away from your family unit for his own use. Selfish and devious.

It's okay to have an emergency fund in a relationship but that is usually for the partner who is in the vulnerable position.

You've sacrificed earning, career prospects, pension contributions and more to have children. You will struggle to go back to work and make the same level of full time salary because you will have to do childcare and household management.

Where is your safety net? He has decided to put himself first and his parents are supporting that. How can he call himself your partner when he isn't being equal or fair? When he is putting himself first over you and his children?

If and when you divorce this man, you will have to use a forensic accountant to unravel his secret accounts and get your fair share. No one should have to do that.