Husband has been lying and hiding money from me

[Anon1234508]

Husband has been hiding money from me and lying about it

So pretty much as the title describes. My husband has been hiding a large amount of money from me in separate accounts and lying about it. We have 15 years together, 8 married and 1 child with 1 more on the way.

I’m currently 7 months pregnant, and this is causing me so much stress.

I should start by saying that I only found out about this as he bought a car without consulting me, for the second time, which we argued about and his mum text me to talk and this is where I started questioning things. When I asked about the deposit he told me his parents were paying this, but his mum had text me saying that he would lose the money if he cancelled because I was mad. First red flag. His dad had also told me that he was going to put some money towards the car but husband had put it down without asking them so another red flag.

Fast forward lots of arguing and upset later, he is adamant his parents are paying for it, even acts like he’s worried and upset about it when I said they think you’re paying. I tell him I don’t think he’s telling me the full story and lying to me, I’m pretty upset and angry at this point. He continues to tell me that he isn’t lying. I ask to see messages from his mum - which he has coincidentally deleted some of the messages. I log in to his Facebook to see that his messages said that he had another account he’d been paying into and didn’t want me to know, so he already had the money.

Obviously this set me off, as he’d flat out lied to my face and denied any lying and wrong doing even when point blank asked. I was pretty hysterical at this point, as I’m pregnant I’ve been so stressed about money and maternity leave, only to find out he has a secret bank account he’s been paying into every month, and telling me that he’s paying back his parents that money for the car when he isn’t. We have had convos about maternity leave and money where I’ve suggested asking for a payment holiday from his parents and he has never once owned up to not having to pay that. He has complained he’s short on money some months and I’ve offered to top up his wage to what I have etc. I pay any extra I get each month into a shared savings account so we always have the same amount of money each month and now I feel so stupid.

So now more starts coming out - he actually has money in crypto too and cash in his drawer. PLUS £20k in another hidden bank account his parents gave him ‘to keep to himself as a security blanket’. Now to me, this screams that he’s planning to leave me and the kids and he has a little nest egg for when the time comes. Why else lie about it?
I ask him and it gets very heated, I go into another room can’t even stand to look at him. He has absolutely no explanation as to why he’s hidden it from me and doesn’t have much to say other than ‘well my parents told me to’.

I’m honestly devastated. He’s been lying to me for years. He got that money around the time I fell pregnant with our son, and has never mentioned it. We almost lost 5k being scammed a year back and lost our savings, meaning I thought we couldn’t keep trying for another baby and I was heartbroken, but still he hid it from me.

He wouldn’t even have told me had I not gone to see those deleted messages. I’m so hurt, like I never have been before and I just don’t know how to move forward. He was distraught at the thought of me leaving him but I just don’t know how I’ll ever trust him again.

I’ve been so stressed, upset, devastated at times and he’s just had £24k he’s been sat on and said nothing.

I don’t know how to recover from this pain, I love him but I don’t feel like he loves me as if he did he wouldn’t have done this to me. I am the one who looks after all our finances, our bills, mortgage etc. everything. We have a 4 year old and a baby due in the next 7 weeks and right now I just don’t see a way forward.

I feel betrayed, embarrassed, disgusted and devastated. He’s the one I’m supposed to trust the most and turn to and I don’t feel like I’ll ever do that again.
We have always (I thought) had a very transparent relationship and I have always loved him with all my heart. I have given him children and in return he’s lied to me and hidden money from me.

If you have been through this before, please help me and tell me it can get better. If you haven’t, any insight from the outside would be great. Am I over reacting?

Tbf it’s only 20 odd grand, I wouldn’t lose sleep if I found out my DH had a secret stash. It’s his money, he can do as he wishes with it, as long as it’s ethical, legal and doesn’t involve other women.

I do think if this was the other way round and wife had the stash given to her by her parents and her parents asking her to keep it for herself the replies on here would be different.

“Only” 20 grand is a whole year’s salary to some people. OP has been extremely stressed over mat leave. If she’d known about the money she needn’t have been stressed. He has watched her go through a pregnancy under strain, when he had the means to alleviate that worry. That’s a huge betrayal. It’s not just about the money, it’s the lies that kill relationships.

Play nice for now and get evidence of the money. Then leave. You won’t be able to trust him again.
If it was a fine, normal thing to do it wouldn’t have been a secret. Your parents-in-law know more about your family finances than you do.

It's not so much that he's got his own money stashed away, although that's pretty shitty when you've been worrying about finances etc but the constant lying and the collaboration with his parents. Would you ever be able to trust him again?

Women are often told to keep money a secret and to have their own savings. Why is it different when a man does?

Why is everyone so focused on having an escape plan? We’ve been together 15 years. We have a child and a baby on the way very soon. We’ve always been happy, I wouldn’t care if he had made me aware that he had savings. I don’t. I’ve never needed to think of a safety net. The amount of people here siding with him for hiding money is actually shameful.

I'm so sorry OP

I mean really this hasn't been a partnership all along has it? If he can let you worry so much and keep all that from you. Very much I'm all right jack.

And even before you found out about the hidden account(s), the buying a car without any family discussion is a big red flag for me, another sign that he doesn't consider himself part of a partnership.

The cynic in me wonders if his eagerness to work it out is because he's looked at how much you'll get in a divorce...

Well when there's an overwhelming trend of men taking a massive career hit to raise kids and then being left penniless when their partner fucks off without a care in the world, then it'll be comparable.

But until then, no, it's clearly not the same. As I suspect you know 🙄

It's fine to have separate savings (DH and I have joint and separate - quite small separate savings but they exist) BUT not in secret and 20k+ is a lot of money. I'm sorry but I don't think he has love or respect for you, how could he watch you struggle and lie if he did? I'd seriously consider whether or not we had a future if it was me, he isn't trustworthy and (deep down) does not respect you.

So, if I have understood this correctly, your husband has been squirrelling money away and actively lying to your face about it?

If I have read this right:

• he has said "my parents bought this car and I am paying them back monthly" whereas he has actually bought a car himself, and is paying a monthly amount into his own savings?
• he has told you that he is short of money some months, and allowed you to "top him up" while continuing to "pay back his parents"?
• he has watched you put your extra money into a joint savings account while presumably putting his extra into his own savings account?

I think you need to let go of this idea of a "fuck off fund", many people have one, I'd encourage it for anyone whether they need to "fuck off" from a relationship, an unsuitable job, intolerable accomodation, whatever.

I'd also leave his parents out of it; clearly you are (justifiably) upset that they knew about this, but your husband is a grown, adult man capable of making his own decisions and using his words to dsicuss things with you.

I think the absolutely glaring red flags here are that, despite a 15 year realtionship, 8 years married and shared STB kids:

1. He has not been transparent with you about finances. Many couples keep separate savings or split outgoings proportionally, some only have joint accounts for shared expenses, some agree on a set amount or proportion of spending money. The key point is that they discuss their individual finances openly and transparently, so that each knows that they are getting a fair deal, and they often review this set up to ensure it remains fair over longer periods. Your husband has not done this.
2. He has watched you stress about maternity leave, maternity pay and money in general, and continued to prioritise himself. He has placed his secret savings over your mental and financial wellbeing, and over that of your family as a unit.

For me, personally, this would be an absolute red line. I would take it as him making a mockery of your partnership. However, you are about to have a baby and may need all the help you can get.

Do you have friends and family nearby? Can you speak to anyone in real life? Can you ask him to move out while you get your head around this? Can you see a solicitor (have someone go with you as you'll be in shock) and find out where you would stand in a divorce? You do not have to do anything right now, but information is power.

As a side note, I am also curious about the status of individual savings accounts in a divorce. I was under the impression that one has to declare everything, assets, savings, pension, debts, etc., in a financial statement before a divorce settlement can be reached, so is a "fuck off fund" even protected for that individual? Although I suppose one could spend whatever is in one's own name before it gets to declaration/settlement stage.

Whenever he comes back to you whining on that he wants to share it all now and that he's "so, so sorry", remember that listened to you stress over family finances and providing for your shared children while sitting on a 24k cushion he had no intnetion of telling you about.

He is a compulsive liar . You need to leave and grieve over the man you thought he was. Lying is easy to him as he can literally look in your eyes and do this.

I couldn’t be part of a family who conspire against me. It’s not just him, it’s his parents too. You can’t trust any of them. This makes me think it’s their families culture to keep secrets and lie. Not good.

There is nothing wrong with having a couple of thousand emergency money. And I'd go so far as to say that even in the best marraiges it's OK to keep that private.
What you have described though is you putting everything into the pot having been told that dh is doing the same. And having huge worries when there was no need.
Don't make hasty decisions now. It's easy for people to say leave. They are not you. You are in a vulnerable spot at the moment, being pregnant and with such a little one.
In your shoes I would be frank with dh about the fundamental nature of what he has done and the impact on you. He needs to cut the apron strings today.
You need to put in place a financial plan to see you through maternity leave and back into work. On the other side of that, judge whether the relationship is worth saving.

Whatever you want to do (leave him, stay with him, you don't need to decide everything right this moment) then I think the main thing to do is GET THE INFO.

You have found out about some money. Maybe there is also other money or assets, maybe not. But in your situation I would be trying to find out everything I could and getting proof of it in case I needed it later. I wouldn't trust him to disclose everything.

This site is full of people who love to say 'I bet you wouldn't say that if a woman was doing it' about toxic behaviour from husbands/partners.

The advice about women having a 'running away fund' is normally when the woman is in an abusive relationship, often as a SAHM, with no access to joint money.

He is being financially abusive and deceitful. What is his explanation for his behaviour?

So is my parents told me to do this the only excuse he has come up with so far.

What else is he lying about? If it were me, I'd never be able to trust him again, about anything.

You need to focus on yourself, your pregnancy and your children. Your husband needs to leave, he has let you all down.

yes it’s ok to have an emergency pot. I am female and I have one (very bad domestic violence in the past and having to escape and be homeless …my ex would sell everything in the house I owned and also take my money. So that means I mentally need to have some money to one side just incase, I used to have emergency clothes and bag in the car). Your husband obviously has never been through that though. BUT my DP knows I have that, it’s like a rainy day fund for emergencies. I put a little in each month here and there rather than having a coffee out or something.

Last year we were going through a potential redundancy (DP) which was utterly dreadful. It didn’t actually happen. So I sorted out all my finances and moved bits of money around and my DP knew that if the worst happened I (in other words we) had enough in place to cover the mortgage and basics for the year (complicated situation but in our case I own half the house mortgage is for my partners half) . We were both worried sick for months but I’d never have left someone to worry without offering a lifeline to help us.

Your husband on the other hand has left you alone to worry about these things whilst having money stashed. That’s awful and I’d never be able to forgive something like that. Plus his parents also seem to be strangely involved in this and these lies, that means they think it’s ok? Even though there’s a grandchild? I’d also not want to know them anymore either.

Exactly. See my other post please OP. Everyone’s allowed a bit of money of their own but this is not that. He’s deprived his family whilst having a stash of money.

Do you work? If he is the main earner he may feel he wants to keep some money for himself. Is he in a highly pressured job?

It sounds to me as if perhaps initially your in-laws weren't aware of this secret stash of money your husband has been squirreling away. Their comments to you don't make sense, if they had known at that time. However, at some point they clearly did become aware of the money, and chose to sit on that information. I don't believe that your husband decided to have a 'safety net' of money 'just in case', because his 'parents told him too'. I think this was your husband's choice and idea from the start. He's chosen to blame his parents, to somehow lessen his responsibility in the matter. There's nothing wrong in having individual savings, but as a married couple that should be transparent. Hiding money away, especially when your very pregnant wife is worrying about money and maternity leave, is deceitful and selfish. His finances are obviously much better than he's been saying, to the point he can afford a new car - does he need a new car?! Let's face it, unless his car is on its last legs, he doesn't 'need' a new car, he 'wants' one. Using his parents to lessen his accountability is shitty behaviour. I would struggle to come back from this, as your trust in him has been broken. Counselling is an option. Also what did he think would happen if you did split? As far as I'm aware (someone with more knowledge may know more), all assets regardless of they're in joint names or individual, as classed as joint assets in a marriage. He would legally have to declare all his assets, that includes bank accounts, cyber money etc. So how did he think he'd get away with it?! The cash, yes, he could have used, as there's no digital trace..
.

There are so many nuances to this that can't be covered on message board. A fuck off fund is good if you are vulnerable in a relationship or the situation is unhealthy/ volatile. I'd say even in a healthy relationship, a few thousand in a personal account is no bad thing.

However, not talking to your partner about big purchases such as a car, actively lying about money, concealing the family's financial state when your partner is in distress about it. Not ok.

It is grounds to leave. However, the way you speak about your partner suggests you do love him and had considered yourselves happy. Money can be a scary and triggering thing for people. If it were me, I would want to work on this.

I know people who have strange attitudes to money because of how they were raised, hoarding it out of a lack of security or unable to think about it and recklessly spending.

What I would want is full transparency from both about financial states and financial planning. I would seek a therapist to discuss in a calm and non-accusatory way, why he felt compared to lie. What is his attitude to money? Does he have an issue with how you spend? What are his financial goals and plans and do they align with yours, if so how can you work together?

It could be fear, lack of security, feeling he needs independence or freedom, or it could be he doesn't respect you and sees you and the kids as a burden. Once you understand the why, youll be able to move forward or break up.

If you decide to stay together, schedule quarterly meetings to go through your finances and make plans. Be a team again.

Wishing you the best.

You're meant to be a team. You have a child together and one on the way, a home and other joint commitments.
He has to rethink and realise this.
Keep talking.

There are a lot who advocate splitting bills etc and you keep what's left as yours. Never understood this. Since we married both salaries were paid into the joint account, we both knew how much each other earned. At the time he earned a lot more than me but it didn't matter we were a couple. Even if I went on holiday alone it came from the joint account.