Husband has been lying and hiding money from me

[Anon1234508]

Husband has been hiding money from me and lying about it

So pretty much as the title describes. My husband has been hiding a large amount of money from me in separate accounts and lying about it. We have 15 years together, 8 married and 1 child with 1 more on the way.

I’m currently 7 months pregnant, and this is causing me so much stress.

I should start by saying that I only found out about this as he bought a car without consulting me, for the second time, which we argued about and his mum text me to talk and this is where I started questioning things. When I asked about the deposit he told me his parents were paying this, but his mum had text me saying that he would lose the money if he cancelled because I was mad. First red flag. His dad had also told me that he was going to put some money towards the car but husband had put it down without asking them so another red flag.

Fast forward lots of arguing and upset later, he is adamant his parents are paying for it, even acts like he’s worried and upset about it when I said they think you’re paying. I tell him I don’t think he’s telling me the full story and lying to me, I’m pretty upset and angry at this point. He continues to tell me that he isn’t lying. I ask to see messages from his mum - which he has coincidentally deleted some of the messages. I log in to his Facebook to see that his messages said that he had another account he’d been paying into and didn’t want me to know, so he already had the money.

Obviously this set me off, as he’d flat out lied to my face and denied any lying and wrong doing even when point blank asked. I was pretty hysterical at this point, as I’m pregnant I’ve been so stressed about money and maternity leave, only to find out he has a secret bank account he’s been paying into every month, and telling me that he’s paying back his parents that money for the car when he isn’t. We have had convos about maternity leave and money where I’ve suggested asking for a payment holiday from his parents and he has never once owned up to not having to pay that. He has complained he’s short on money some months and I’ve offered to top up his wage to what I have etc. I pay any extra I get each month into a shared savings account so we always have the same amount of money each month and now I feel so stupid.

So now more starts coming out - he actually has money in crypto too and cash in his drawer. PLUS £20k in another hidden bank account his parents gave him ‘to keep to himself as a security blanket’. Now to me, this screams that he’s planning to leave me and the kids and he has a little nest egg for when the time comes. Why else lie about it?
I ask him and it gets very heated, I go into another room can’t even stand to look at him. He has absolutely no explanation as to why he’s hidden it from me and doesn’t have much to say other than ‘well my parents told me to’.

I’m honestly devastated. He’s been lying to me for years. He got that money around the time I fell pregnant with our son, and has never mentioned it. We almost lost 5k being scammed a year back and lost our savings, meaning I thought we couldn’t keep trying for another baby and I was heartbroken, but still he hid it from me.

He wouldn’t even have told me had I not gone to see those deleted messages. I’m so hurt, like I never have been before and I just don’t know how to move forward. He was distraught at the thought of me leaving him but I just don’t know how I’ll ever trust him again.

I’ve been so stressed, upset, devastated at times and he’s just had £24k he’s been sat on and said nothing.

I don’t know how to recover from this pain, I love him but I don’t feel like he loves me as if he did he wouldn’t have done this to me. I am the one who looks after all our finances, our bills, mortgage etc. everything. We have a 4 year old and a baby due in the next 7 weeks and right now I just don’t see a way forward.

I feel betrayed, embarrassed, disgusted and devastated. He’s the one I’m supposed to trust the most and turn to and I don’t feel like I’ll ever do that again.
We have always (I thought) had a very transparent relationship and I have always loved him with all my heart. I have given him children and in return he’s lied to me and hidden money from me.

If you have been through this before, please help me and tell me it can get better. If you haven’t, any insight from the outside would be great. Am I over reacting?

Unfortunately, I have to agree with this. I don't agree with your husbands actions - but equally there is loads and loads of advice on here telling women to keep secret accounts, savings and inheritance. So it's hypocritical to say it is wrong of a man to do what women are often advised to do.

Because shit happens.

One of my older female relatives told me “never rely on anybody financially and always have a rainy day fund that nobody knows about”. Sound advice.

I got married, got 2 kids, we were happy or so I thought.

Finances always separate. He also let me pay for things while sitting pretty.

His nightmare parents were also heavily involved.

Our marriage imploded after 18 years together. I walked away with the kids. Rainy day fund helped me to put the deposit on and rent a house,bought a fridge and a cooker.

Family and marriage is a unit and it should be teamwork and partnership to make it work.
Your H and his parents (just like mine) don’t see you as the part of the family. They only care about their own interest and put themselves first.

Think hard OP and think again.

I was good enough to put effort,energy,labour,time and money into what I thought was our great family. I wasn’t good enough to be involved in financials,decision making and reciprocals.

IL’s dropped me like a hot potato. Nearly 20 years down the pan with nothing to show for it.

Your H and his parents showed you exactly what they are.

Protect yourself (and your kids)

Honestly, and I really don't mean to be rude or horrible but I think you desperately need to hear the truth, if he saw a future with you he would have told you about the money. The good thing is as you're married and now know about these accounts you can claim from them in the divorce

Couldn't agree more with this.

Men don't experience the world in the same way women do.
Majority of the time kids stay with mum who retains the majority of responsibility for childcare. It's completely different.

It's completely different in your opinion. In mine, if you need to lie about things and hide stuff, then it's exactly the same.

you wouldn't be upset if your partner kept asking you for money on the basis that he had none, when he had 20k in savings + whatever in investments stashed away?

you wouldn't be upset that you'd been thinking you couldn't have another child for money reasons and he never once said anything?

he seems to be dodging personal responsibility a lot which is concerning. he hasn't done things because his parents told him to, he's done them because he wanted to. they seem to be getting the blame for a lot of these things.

@Anon1234508 - I am divorced and H’s doing shady things with out finances was one of the reasons. So - i know where you are coming from.

However - I do think that your situation is not as bad as your pregnancy hormones are making it seem. And I certainly don’t think its something you need to destroy your marriage over.

What he did does not sound malicious. I completely can see how parents can give their grown child some money ‘just in case’ and ask to keep it hidden. I can see doing it myself when my kids are grown.
Doesn’t seem he was using the money to live it up somehow while you struggled. And it seems you have different attitude towards some things - hence the arguments about his car… (guessing he wanted the type you didn’t approve of and a car is somehow important to him)

I can also see why he decided to make up a story about parents helping with the car payments. As the ‘person who controls’ finances you seem to consider your opinion to be of more importance. Instead of confronting you and arguing about it - he chose to make it easier and make up a story. I feel bad for him, more than anything. (Maybe because i myself was in a position, where my exH also thought he was the one who had a final authority on purchases/financial decisions - and I know how it feels)

Look - I think in some ideal world spouses share everything and there are no secrets. In reality - people always want to have some privacy and not share everything.
But for me - the main issue is intent and whether it’s done to hurt your partner (like in the case of my exH).

He's a cage bastard and is now playing the upset card to make sure you don't leave but will most likely leave you when the time is right.

He's been going along as a single entity financialy, while you've been thinking you're in a lovely partnership and thinking of the unit. That's going to hurt.

At 7 months pregnant this is not an ideal thing to uncover, but I'd be tempted to try and manage this for the short term by asking for full transparency over finances and to be consulted regarding any big purchase that will affect you as a family. If you feel like this has damaged your trust to the point you can't continue with the marriage down the line, then at least you will have the financial information you will need to make an informed decision about a divorce.

There's nothing wrong with seperate individual finances, but lying and witholding information is damaging and he's about to see the results of that action.

If he wants to operate as an individual rather than as a partnership that's fine, but then he doesn't get the benefits of being in a partnership with you.

Well for sure I would insist on him going open kimono on everything now while he is distraught and make sure that all his secret funds go into a joint account. Make him reveal everything now in a way that is future proofed so that he can't just start squirrelling things away in a few months time agin.

If you leave him later on, at least you know what's going on financially.

So to make it clear, I manage those things but he has FULL visibility of them. We have shared accounts he has access to, and I manage those things because he gets overwhelmed and has never really had much financial responsibility so he’s happy for me to do it. He knows everything I do.

Get half paid into your account immediately.

See how you feel, I wouldn't leave in your position

Look - I just shared my opinion. You don’t need to defend yourself.
My exH also did bills, etc - because I didn’t like doing it. And there was transparency.

But it still didn’t change the fact that he considered himself as the main decision maker. And - at times - I chose the path of least resistance, like your H did.

You can, of course, divorce, as people on here say you should. But I think - more likely - you’ll stay and hold this over him for a long time. He will, most likely, accept it - as he seems like a relatively weak person and you sound like a more forceful one.
But in the long term - i don’t think such misbalance is a good thing.

The money is one thing but it's a wider issue about trust. You say you're otherwise happy but I'd be so paranoid there is more he's keeping from me.

I don’t really see how you can judge me and call us ‘weak’ and ‘forceful’ when you have no idea of our situation other than this, which you are entirely missing the point. You’re making me out to be abusive and controlling which really in the context of what I’m asking is crazy. It’s people like you that make the internet a sad place. I came here for help and advice, not to basically be told I’m abusive

It doesn't get better OP. You will always feel insecure where moneys concerned. My ex was a git also.

Look,.for now. Since he's adamant his parents told him too, tell him to pack a bag and send him to his parents for a bit while you have space to think. When he's mother gets in touch, tell her you think it's disgraceful she told him to hide money from you, she raised him so she can put up with him.

He won't change. Only you can either accept him as he is or you change.

Agree with this i have a fuck off fund if shit hits the fan im ok.
However i live alone but still have my stash you never know.

OP - you do realise that if you post on the web - you will get a range of opinions, not just the ones you agree with? Getting defensively aggressive is quite telling of how you are in life…

I know self reflection is not easy. And maybe you are currently unable to look at the situation in any other way, but your highly emotional way.

But yes - it’s very clear with the way you write and how you are describing the events and situation - that you are a stronger and more forceful person. And that he is the weaker / conflict-avoiding one in the relationship.

Incidentally, I did not call it ‘abusive’ - but the dynamic is not healthy. Up to you what you do with it - but you asked 🤷🏻‍♀️….

My exH also was like you - I lived with him holding something he thought I was guilty of - over me for years. I eventually left.
But I am not like your H - he will most likely stay and bend to your will - beg for ‘forgiveness’ and go along with the model
of relationship you consider the right one.

I am not judging you or him, btw. Relationships work in different ways and dynamics.

Ignore. That person like to come on to posts and be contrary. See it from them all the time. That person is equating her life with yours and essentially talking to herself. She doesn’t know anything about you or your husband and she also like to continue on with the assumptions and condescending tone depute the fact that you’re heavily pregnant and have just had a major event which could be life changing for you and your children. Says a lot about who they are.

He was living it up buying a flash car while his pregnant wife was worried about the finances due to taking maternity leave. You can have separate monies, that's fine. To lie about it to your wife though.. that's not fine. As for buying a car when married in my opinion that should be a joint decision.

OP, ignore jksu - don't want to give them the thrill of a quote or an @.

Perhaps that is their lived expereince, but as their lived experience it is only specifically applicable to their life. You are also in an emotional and hormonal state that is probably encouraging you to fixate on what feels like an attack, rather than focus on what you need to do right now.

I have been thinking about your thread through the day. There are PP who have suggested pooling everything and having financial transparency from here on in, but I'd have a niggle in the back of my mind; "how do I know that's everything?".

Even if he shared his contract, his payslips, showed me all transactions etc.

1. The niggle would be saying "How do I know he's not got an account elsewhere?".
2. I have too much on my own plate to be playing Sherlock Holmes: Forensic Accounting every payday/quarter/bonus season.
3. If his parents are in on it, how would I know that they're not still subbing him in secret and having whispered conversations about how "unreasonable" I am?

I stand by my original advice, you don't need to act right now, but:

• It would be helpful to get some space. Ask him to go stay with his parents.
• Get your friends and family around you.
• Speak to a sollicitor and read up on what your financial/property rights are as a wife and probably primary parent, I suggest Rights of Women UK.
• Get as much financial clarity as you can: payslips, bank statements, mortgage docs, pension statements, statements from his personal accounts and access to his crypto account if he is feeling guilty enough to share it.
• If you can access counselling, get some. You'll need all the support you can get with a child, a newborn and this massive upheaval.

How revolting that he has been hiding money to keep for himself and conspiring with his parents to make them lie about it to you. All three of them have no morals and have acted as if you are not family, just someone to extract money from.

I'd be done with them all.

This is good advice Op.

Given your current vulnerable situation with impending pregnancy, leaving at this point is probably not something you feel you can do. But this could be a moment to re-contract with your husband about your approach to finances, how transparency and honesty should work in your relationship and what your absolute red lines are around this and any other of his behaviours you think might be red flags.
While he's remorseful and afraid you might leave, you could take the opportunity for counselling as a couple to help you work through this. Make it clear the damage to trust his deception - in particular his lies - have cause and get him to spell out what HE will be doing to rebuild your trust. Expect him to reflect on and communicate why he has done this, and make it clear beyond a shadow of doubt that anything like this happens again you will walk away.