Husband has been lying and hiding money from me

[Anon1234508]

Husband has been hiding money from me and lying about it

So pretty much as the title describes. My husband has been hiding a large amount of money from me in separate accounts and lying about it. We have 15 years together, 8 married and 1 child with 1 more on the way.

I’m currently 7 months pregnant, and this is causing me so much stress.

I should start by saying that I only found out about this as he bought a car without consulting me, for the second time, which we argued about and his mum text me to talk and this is where I started questioning things. When I asked about the deposit he told me his parents were paying this, but his mum had text me saying that he would lose the money if he cancelled because I was mad. First red flag. His dad had also told me that he was going to put some money towards the car but husband had put it down without asking them so another red flag.

Fast forward lots of arguing and upset later, he is adamant his parents are paying for it, even acts like he’s worried and upset about it when I said they think you’re paying. I tell him I don’t think he’s telling me the full story and lying to me, I’m pretty upset and angry at this point. He continues to tell me that he isn’t lying. I ask to see messages from his mum - which he has coincidentally deleted some of the messages. I log in to his Facebook to see that his messages said that he had another account he’d been paying into and didn’t want me to know, so he already had the money.

Obviously this set me off, as he’d flat out lied to my face and denied any lying and wrong doing even when point blank asked. I was pretty hysterical at this point, as I’m pregnant I’ve been so stressed about money and maternity leave, only to find out he has a secret bank account he’s been paying into every month, and telling me that he’s paying back his parents that money for the car when he isn’t. We have had convos about maternity leave and money where I’ve suggested asking for a payment holiday from his parents and he has never once owned up to not having to pay that. He has complained he’s short on money some months and I’ve offered to top up his wage to what I have etc. I pay any extra I get each month into a shared savings account so we always have the same amount of money each month and now I feel so stupid.

So now more starts coming out - he actually has money in crypto too and cash in his drawer. PLUS £20k in another hidden bank account his parents gave him ‘to keep to himself as a security blanket’. Now to me, this screams that he’s planning to leave me and the kids and he has a little nest egg for when the time comes. Why else lie about it?
I ask him and it gets very heated, I go into another room can’t even stand to look at him. He has absolutely no explanation as to why he’s hidden it from me and doesn’t have much to say other than ‘well my parents told me to’.

I’m honestly devastated. He’s been lying to me for years. He got that money around the time I fell pregnant with our son, and has never mentioned it. We almost lost 5k being scammed a year back and lost our savings, meaning I thought we couldn’t keep trying for another baby and I was heartbroken, but still he hid it from me.

He wouldn’t even have told me had I not gone to see those deleted messages. I’m so hurt, like I never have been before and I just don’t know how to move forward. He was distraught at the thought of me leaving him but I just don’t know how I’ll ever trust him again.

I’ve been so stressed, upset, devastated at times and he’s just had £24k he’s been sat on and said nothing.

I don’t know how to recover from this pain, I love him but I don’t feel like he loves me as if he did he wouldn’t have done this to me. I am the one who looks after all our finances, our bills, mortgage etc. everything. We have a 4 year old and a baby due in the next 7 weeks and right now I just don’t see a way forward.

I feel betrayed, embarrassed, disgusted and devastated. He’s the one I’m supposed to trust the most and turn to and I don’t feel like I’ll ever do that again.
We have always (I thought) had a very transparent relationship and I have always loved him with all my heart. I have given him children and in return he’s lied to me and hidden money from me.

If you have been through this before, please help me and tell me it can get better. If you haven’t, any insight from the outside would be great. Am I over reacting?

OP - you are in a vulnerable place and it's clear that you are highly emotional.
Any post on internet will give you a range of opinions - as this one clearly demonstrates.
You get everything from - LTB to "you also need to look at yourself". If you asked for an opinion, I think you need to take in the range and decide what makes most sense to you.
None of us here know or live in your life; and everybody commenting come at it from their life experiences and moral philosophies. I don't think anyone is attacking you, even if their opinion is different to yours. It's just another perspective.

But I think you got a lot of good advice on here in general about how to manage your finances going forward. It seems that you H understands he's done wrong - and will be doing what's needed to change. And as you are the one with the finger on family finances - I am sure you can set things up so that there is enough transparency in the future...

I can, sort of, understand him keeping the money his parents gave him secret. They might have wanted him to keep it for a rainy day and they might have wanted 'him' to have it.
When we give money to our kids I really want it to go to my kids and not their partners even though they are all lovely

And you would still be happy with your son keeping his money if his wife was so worried about money she was dubious about having another baby, contemplating a mortgage holiday and offering to lend him money at the end of the month because she thinks he's skint!?

If my mum gave me some money I might keep it in a separate account 'for a rainy day' but I certainly wouldn't be watching my partner tie themselves in knots worrying about money every month to the point they were suggesting a mortgage holiday without even mentioning it!

OP I'm really sorry about your situation! 💐

I believe in a fuck off fund and will always have one - drummed into me by my wise grandma.
You say his parents have given him £20k to have 'just in case', which suggests they are unsure of your relationship. Why is that?

That being said, he's wrong for buying new cars while you're struggling for money as a family. Unless there's am urgent need to leave, there's no excuse for hiding that amount of money while your family struggles.

This person (me) - has the same right to post an opinion as everybody else. Just because it is different to yours - doesn’t make mine any less valid as a view. There are plenty of different opinions here.

You tend to post - LTB and ‘he is being abusive’ on most of your posts….
It is your position and is based on your experience. People tend to do that - use their experiences.

Personally - I don’t think it’s useful for OP’s vulnerable state to make it worse, or to egg her on by saying how terrible it is, and that you’d leave.

(after all - in one of your posts you talked about a particular issue that your partner is in recovery from. For many on MN - that issue would be a LTB sort of thing, but you stayed and he worked on it…)

OP’s H is willing to change. His parents didn’t conspire against OP - they just gave him money for a rainy day. None of this is earth shattering or impossible to overcome with communication.

And there are soon to be 2 little children involved. So - I do hope OP and her H sort it out.

Make sure to get copies of the money he has in his accounts and take the money he hid and put it in a bank account in your name and don’t monetarily help him anymore.

My husband isn’t in recovery for anything. Wtf are you talking about? I post that men are abusive when their behaviour is abusive and unfortunately, it’s all too common. I have supported many, many women to leave abusive relationships and through the aftermath for over a decade. I think that qualifies me to say that the behaviour displayed is abusive. I’m also a qualified counsellor and have studied abusive men amongst other things. This post isn’t about me or my husband so there is zero point in your bringing that up other than to try and shit me up or out me or whatever the fuck you’re warped mind is thinking. But it seems that you’re not even correct when talking about my marriage anyway. I see you all the time sticking the boot in or just being contrary for the sake of it. Does it bring you some kind of weird pleasure? Get a fucking life.

And if my husband was hiding tens of thousands of pounds from me when I was struggling to manage the family financies and making massive purchases without consulting me, you bet your ass I would LTB. And I’d be taking half the money with me.

The lying is the problem the savings account is not. You've mentioned throughout this time that he has worked full time and provided for you, so it is good, but lying is a red line for me. Seriously though, please make sure you as an adult have a savings account in your name, if you are off work and your partner is working, before babies set out who is doing what, tell him you will need to pay into your savings joint savings and pension. Sorry, this kind of muddled response, lying bad separate savings good ( everyone does it)

@rockstarshoes
And you would still be happy with your son keeping his money if his wife was so worried about money she was dubious about having another baby, contemplating a mortgage holiday and offering to lend him money at the end of the month because she thinks he's skint!?

On the face of it...no I wouldn't. I would never tell my kids what to do with their money.

With respect - if you don't sound like a qualified counsellor. I don't think seeing abuse everywhere and suggesting a pregnant woman leaves her husband, based on a short post on MN is ethical for a qualified counsellor.

I think I also remember you from some post where you talked about your H and porn - and him being in some sort of community of recovering porn addicts.
I don't believe the other poster was referring to it to shut you up. More to say that people who are quick to suggest LTB without wondering if there is a bigger picture, or an alternative way of looking at things - are not always following their professed "if I were you'd I'd never....".

Agree with this

My husband is not a recovering porn addict or in any kind of group for porn addiction. Where the fuck are you people getting this shit from? And with respect, I am a counsellor but that doesn’t mean I’m working as one when I’m commenting. If you think counsellors can’t be abrasive in their private lives then I’ve got a bridge to sell you. If someone posts and I see abusive behaviours then I’m going to flag it up. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. When I’m in session, I practice unconditional positive regard with my clients. I’m not in session. The poster you’re talking about is constantly commenting on posts and taking little pot shots. This isn’t my first interaction with her. So, I’m done being polite because I think she’s a troll who just likes to be contrary. That’s my stance.

Side banter is top notch on the thread tonight lads

I don't think you are being abrasive. I am talking about jumping to quick conclusions and telling people to leave their marriages - based on very little information. This is not professional - or ethical.

Relationships and people are far more complex than a short post can reveal. And - I am not sure what sort of qualification you have - but I wonder how you can be unbiased given that you see abuse everywhere - and that is clearly coming from your past experience.

The poster you are trying to shut up has a different perspective from you. She doesn't become personal, and does not attack you. Again - it seems strange that as a "qualified counsellor" - you are not aware that people can perceive things differently. People in a discussion can be on opposite spectrum in how they see the question - but it does not need to become abrasive and name-calling.

Separately:
You did post just a month ago about some men's community that are recovering from porn addition, and your husband being part of it. But maybe I am misunderstanding, or don't know all context....

22/01/2025: you said: "...I know of this community, 'Im not researching it, my husband is living it. ,,,
He chose to use them when he decided to stop using porn ..."

On MN and using your own "advice" - you should have stayed with this man. As men are irredeemable.... No?

It’s not a leaving fund, it is a spend on himself without you questioning it fund. Plenty of people have one, male and female, even if it a secret £1000. Your dh is overdoing it a bit though. Also, parents give money just for their own adult child sometimes, they don’t want it shared, you may not like that but it’s human nature.

You are spouting some amount of absolute shite about me and you know heehaw about me, what I think, my qualifications or my marriage. So, let’s just break this down shall we.

I don’t jump to conclusions, (ironically you seem to be preaching to me and doing exactly that)

I don’t tell everyone to leave their marriages. I can’t tell anyone to do anything. It’s up to the individual whether to leave their marriage or not. I give my perspective, which is based on the information provided.

I am not, I repeat NOT commenting on her as counsellor. Am NOT working. When I am working, I work to the BACP code of ethics. I don’t give advice to clients. I provide a safe space for clients and practice person centred counselling. I am very much a qualified counsellor, as difficult as that is for you to believe. And I have been qualified since 2014. I also volunteer working with domestic abuse survivors and I have extensively studied male on female abuse in order to do this.

You are misunderstanding the porn comment completely. My husband isn’t a porn addict. He doesn’t use porn at all because he believes it isn’t good for men, relationships or the women abused in that industry. And he is part of a growing community of men who also feel this way. I was met with people trying to tell me that they knew for a fact that my husband was using porn despite the fact that they have never met him. Did he used to occasionally use porn as a young single man? Sure. He admits that. Then he found that it wasn’t good for the women involved, learned more about it and decided it wasn’t good for anyone, including him and stopped it. Much like many other men who are now rejecting it. He never had an addiction and isn’t in any kind of recovery. It was just a personal choice that he made for himself.

And your wild jump to, “men are irredeemable” is just utterly ridiculous. I’m married to a man whom I love. I have wonderful brothers, male friends, colleagues, and of course I don’t believe that, please don’t put words in my mouth. I e never once said men are irredeemable. I’ve also spent time talking to men in here having marital problems and been very understanding and supportive of them. However, men who abuse women statistically do not change. They have a belief system that means they think they have the right to be abusive to women. Even Lundy Bancroft admits that, having worked with thousands of abusive men, they are extremely unlikely to ever change because being abusive benefits them and they believe it’s their right.

Regardless of how lovely your relationship has been, an escape fund is a good idea. Also, his parents are paying into this, hes possibly been told to keep this separate as part of those payments.

It also still sounds like his parents contributed towards the car?

I don't think this is a LTB moment, not after 15 years of, as you described, a lovely relationship, and almost 2 children.

@Anon1234508 He is devastated you will leave as you will be due half the monies in divorce he has been desperately hiding from you .
He will have to pay for his kids.

He doesn’t have your best interests at heart . He is out for himself .