Regular mumsnetter, NC for this because, even for Mumsnet, it feels like a lot of personal info about my marriage and family life. I know that not everyone thinks it's a good idea to ask for personal advice from strangers but I've read a lot of sensible wisdom on here over the years and I'm posting because I'd like some objective views on the situation between DH & DD. It's really hard to speak to friends/family about this because I'd feel it was disloyal to DH to talk about my concerns behind his back with people in RL who have relationships with him. I'm not saying I've never done that - I've definitely overshared plenty of times, which I really regret now. I'm going to try hard to be balanced in how I explain the situation and I'd very much appreciate honest and compassionate responses because I'm finding the difficulties with DD & DH are really affecting my relationship with DH. It's going to be quite long because I'm trying not to drip-feed.
My oldest DC is 17. She has ADHD and is quite chaotic. She's pretty rubbish at helping out at home and needs a lot of cajoling to get her to do basic chores. She can be a bit unkind to DC2. Her mood is quite up and down and there are often daily dramas where she's lost something and totally freaks out or gets v wound up massively overthinking a text exchanges and needs talking down.
But, she is also brilliant fun, very observant about people, and can be really thoughtful and kind. She has a lovely, close-knit group of friends and has very good relationships with adults in her life generally - gets on well with teachers, other adult family members etc She goes out a bit i.e. not one of the cool kids but occasionally invited to parties, and has definitely experimented with alcohol a bit in the past year but has always stuck to curfews, will have one or two drinks but has never to our knowledge been drunk etc. Despite the chaos & missing of deadlines etc she does v well at school, excellent GCSE results, doing well at A-levels and has an extra-curricular interest (that will prob end up being her career) that she does at a national level.
The issue is this: DH has, for a very long time, seemed very down on her and critical of her. He describes her as being 'very negative' and 'uncurious', he feels she is selfish and unkind to DC2. He gets incredibly frustrated by her lack of organisation, the constant forgetting things and being late. He finds DC2 much easier to relate to, and feels I pander to DD and don't let her deal with the consequences of her own actions.
DD has told me that she feels nothing she ever does will be good enough for DH and that he always seems disappointed in her. I always counter this with how proud he is of her but she is obviously picking up on how he actually feels.
Discussions between me and DH about this often end in an argument because he feels I'm being defensive and I feel he's over-critical of DD who is not perfect and a standard teenager in lots of ways but also wonderful in lots of other ways.
DH also feels that I get overly emotional about things, that i'm defensive about any criticism and that he gets 'shouted down' a lot. I'm sure it's true that I'm defensive at times. I'm really trying hard not to be but partly it comes from feeling I need to defend myself and carve out boundaries because DH is a very strong character and always pushes firmly for what he thinks is the right way to do things. We had another chat about it all this morning and I did manage not to get upset or be defensive but it's left me feeling really sad.
A lot of what he sees as serious flaws in DD's character, I see as standard teen stuff that will pass. But I don't feel I can see the situation clearly any more. At times I feel absolutely furious with him for being so negative about her and not appreciating all the good things, and I worry a lot about the damage this could do to her self-esteem. But then at other times I think maybe I'm just blinded by love for my DC and not able to be realistic about her flaws and behaviour. Mostly though I'm just exhausted with being stuck between the two of them moaning about each other, and it's getting harder and harder to talk about any of the concerns I do have with DD (in the way parents do from time to time) because I'm worried it will just fuel his believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with her.
For context, I'd say I have really good relationships with both DC. They couldn't be more different but I love spending time with both of them, we have open chats and they tell me stuff about their lives and what is bothering them.
Sorry it's so long and a bit rambly. I'd really appreciate any thoughts and advice.