Offensive or 'banter'

[DracunculusVulgaris]

Just a quick straw poll and, yes, short of context, if your partner, husband or wife called you a 'twat' would you be offended or just see it as mildly vulgar banter. The only rider I will put, at the moment, is that there have already been attempts made to establish boundaries around constant swearing, vulgar and crude language. Sorry that this is so cryptic, I would just like to gauge opinion.

I think ‘twat’ is quite mild so I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but context is everything.

Thank you @SmugglersHaunt, I am reluctant to give too much context, just at the moment, although I realise that this makes it difficult to give a subjective opinion!

In the context of it being something you’ve clearly expressed your dislike for and clearly had lots of disagreements about (for there to have to be “boundaries” around how you talk to each other) then I’d expect him to make an active effort to stop swearing at you and it would be a problem if he didn’t. The very odd slip up using it in general conversation because it’s an ingrained habit with him pulling himself up after, okay, fine. I don’t find the word in itself offensive, but there are clearly wider issues in your relationship in the context of which it is offensive.

If he was joking I’d laugh. If it was in anger I’d be upset

It depends on the context/relationship. Some couples enjoy affectionate sweary banter and/or have little arguments as part of the dynamic of an otherwise healthy relationship. I'd be shocked and hurt if my DP called me a twat, though, and it's not something I'd ever call him.

Can’t possibly say with out history and context

for example fun laughing about and you said something funny/ silly and he says “ you’re such a twat!” Ha ha ha! Everyone laughing ok

calling you a twat in anger , with a nasty angry edge not ok but then any name calling in anger is not ok

twat is two steps up from twit ;

cunt
bitch
twat
cow
twit

If it was in good humor...eg, say I dropped a spoon in my batter whilst baking and he laughed and went 'you silly twat, what are you like?'. That's fine.

If it was in a spiteful way, no.

No context necessary. I would be angry if my partner called me a twat.Not offended. Angry.

Totally depends on context.

Thank you @ComtesseDeSpair, you have hit the nail on the head, except that I am male and my partner is a woman and, yes, we have had many conversations around swearing - I am surrounded by it at work, hate it, and absolutely do not want it in my private life.

@MegTheForgetfulCat, I was shocked and hurt by it too, and, like you, it is not something I would ever say to anyone, let alone a partner whose boundaries I should respect and honour.

And it was definitely said in a spiteful manner.

My DH and I have a lot of silly name calling and play-arguing in our relationship and although we both swear now and again swearing is never aimed at each other and I drew that line fast.

If sweary banter was part of our relationship then no, I wouldn't mind if he called me a twat. But, like you, I don't want any swear words directed at me and I've told DH this and he respects that. Therefore if he were to call me a twat it would be in defiance of our house rules so he would only be doing it to upset me.

Don't be gaslit into accepting something that makes you uncomfortable. It's only a game if everyone is having fun. If you're not having fun and the other person doesn't stop, then it's bullying.

This is the tip of the iceberg, isn't it?

@theboffinsarecoming, yes!

Dump her. There's no reason to be with someone who calls you names spitefully.
Life is for enjoying.

Context is everything. If said while you’re having a laugh and joke it’s harmless. If aimed at you in anger or aggression, it’s completely different and

Context is vital. Jokingly when there has been no issues with language raised then ok. As per someone did something clumsy / silly "what a twat". However in anger or with no other supporting context completely unacceptable. If as you say boundaries around language have been made then reasonable to highlight a failure to respect that.

Tbh if you don’t agree with swearing at all and your OH swears than you’re completely incompatible and your relationship is doomed.

I don’t swear much but I couldn’t be with someone who told me if couldn’t.

Tbh the way you describe swearing as vulgar and crude does come across that you feel you’re superior to people who do swear and controlling g towards policing another adults language.

But regardless of your view of swearing generally, your partner swearing at you on an aggressive way is unacceptable.

I don't mind a swear, so I think twat is fair game. However if it was said to me this excessive aggression or venom then no way.
However it depends on your boundaries, not mine. If you hate swearing and have made this clear then disrespecting that is unkind. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker.

So it would be one thing if there was a context of banter between the two of you already, in regard to swearing at each other. That's obviously fine. However, this doesn't seem to be the case. Your partner should care if you find something upsetting, even if they only view it as 'banter'. Even if something doesn't matter to me, why would I do it if I knew it upset someone I loved?

If it was a one off thing, and they apologised as soon as they realised they upset you, obviously that's not a problem. But if they got defensive/acted like you were overreating, that is a problem, because it's showing that they don't respect you or care about their impact on you.

@TwistedWonder "I don’t swear much but I couldn’t be with someone who told me if couldn’t"

Surely there's a huge difference between "swearing" and "swearing at"?

Haven't I already made that clear?

But I also don’t think someone should control their partners language if it’s used non aggressively.

If you’re offended it doesn’t matter what other people think. You don’t like it.

This.

No I wouldn’t like that at all. Even if it was said like, ‘Silly twat.’ I wouldn’t like to be called any name eg ‘bitch’ or ‘cow’ either and I would not be with someone who did that or thought it was harmless.

This.