Offensive or 'banter'

[DracunculusVulgaris]

Just a quick straw poll and, yes, short of context, if your partner, husband or wife called you a 'twat' would you be offended or just see it as mildly vulgar banter. The only rider I will put, at the moment, is that there have already been attempts made to establish boundaries around constant swearing, vulgar and crude language. Sorry that this is so cryptic, I would just like to gauge opinion.

I would be very upset if there was venom behind it.

That is the action of someone who loves you. It sounds like she is emotionally and verbally abusive to you. People's boundaries matter and someone who loves you shouldn't want to make you feel hurt and uncomfortable or push your limts, that's not love.

It's not why you say, it's how you say not - always.
I'd take "you twat' in a jokey exchange no bother
The day me exH aggressively called me a cunt, we separated.

As someone who regularly calls myself a “silly tart”, it’s all about context.

l’m not silly really. As for the other one … 😉

@Archiemctavish, yes, I have posted before - most recently about 10 days ago, relating to other incidents and an ongoing pattern of behaviour. I have become isolated from my friends, writing things down and seeking opinions here is helping me with clarity, since I frequently doubt myself, unsure as to whether or not I am imagining things or my partner's behaviours are 'normal'. Since I am autistic it is sometimes difficult for me to see what might be obvious to others. And I am hugely grateful to everyone who takes the time and trouble to respond with their views.

I always take these accounts of cunt and twat being terms of affection with a huge pinch of salt. Really? You'd use it to your child? To your mother? Sure you would.

But the point really is, if you tell someone that you do not want to be called something, then you have a right for it not to be called it. Because that's how polite and respectful treat each other.

And both of these words are deeply misogynist.

Thank you @CurlewKate, that is exactly how I feel - it is not the words themselves (although, to me, they are deeply offensive), but more that my thoughts and feelings are totally trashed and disregarded! If ever I try to stand up to her I am 'shut down', 'punished' in various ways and receive an immediate figurative two fingured salute. I am sleeping badly, having bad dreams, stressed beyond measure and losing confidence and feeling utter despair in other areas of my life too.

In this case, it sounds like she said it deliberately to hurt you, push your buttons and boundaries

The word itself really varies in how bad people think it is. Round here it is very mild, but an ex from a different area had it right up there with some of the worst swearing there is

Treating you in this way when you have reiterated language really matters is mean. You say it was said in spite too.

I don't think the relationship is compatible and it's making you uncomfortable and sad. Do you live together or can you split up quite easily?

I don’t think the swearing is the issue here tbh. You’re in an emotionally abusive relationship and you need to get out asap

Context is everything. Me and dh.....its a joke!

I wouldn’t care in most situations but I don’t have your issues with swearing. As others have said it’s the intent that counts for me. I am very confident that my dp loves and respects me though, if I was less so I think this would be more of an issue.

I don't like that language personally. Neither DH nor I speak like that.
However, I also recognise that some people do talk like that. They were probably brought up that, in a house where everyone calls each other twats. I don't actually find it awful or offensive but I can imagine it would be wearing if it was constant.

It doesn't matter if 99.9 % of the population wouldn't find it offensive, you do. If your partner knows this then continues to use it, then you have a problem.
It sounds like you are very unhappy in your relationship. Sometimes it is better to just say that it's not working and end things rather than try to make the other person accept that they are wrong and change.

Based on your full post and boundaries, i would find it offensive. Even if my partner and I had been messing about joking he would never have called me a twat. But that's because he was a lovely man who respected women

Thank you all - a good deal to process and unpick here!

Any name calling is a no for me. I hate it.

We do wordplay type banter, but I don’t say twat, I do call him a twit but it’s in the context of being playful. And it makes him laugh. If it didn’t that is what matters. If it offended him in anyway, I just wouldn’t do it at all. Ditto the other way. The whole point of banter and joking is that it works for both people if it doesn’t then it should be scrapped.

I remember you posting previously, OP, and commented on one thread. Is this the same woman that you've now been with for a few years? Are you now living together? Because if it is, clearly she hasn't improved in her behaviour towards you.
I know how incredibly hard it is to break free from an abusive relationship, although in my case thankfully we weren't living together. But seriously it is not going to get better, it will probably escalate yet further. Do you really want to be with such a person when you're much older and possibly frail and in even greater need of kindness? Being on your own can be very difficult and lonely, I know (I'm ND too), but it's infinitely better than what you're being subjected too.

Is everyone this sensitive in real life ?

I certainly am. If any partner calls me names spitefully, he's getting in the bin.

@TreesAtSea, yes, I recall your username and you commenting on a thread I started - yes, it is the same woman and no, fortunately, we do not live together, although she is pressuring me for that to become the case! And yes, the behaviour has not improved - if anything it has deteriorated, especially since I started finding my voice and standing up to her, but I understand that this is part of the trajectory of abuse. Why cannot I just walk away? I wish I could answer that - we have no real ties, do not share property, finances, children together or any of the other ties that bind, I have my own house, my own income, nothing, absolutely nothing, which binds us together from a practical viewpoint.

@TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole, yes, actually, some people ARE, especially when it is part of a pattern of degrading, belittling, undermining, othering and deliberately hurtful, spiteful behaviour which wears away at one's self esteem and confidence like water eroding a stone.

Count yourself lucky if you have never experienced it - it is insidious and subtle, spreading its tentacles slowly, but surely. Even more so if you happen to be a man on the receiving end of it, still very taboo and not much talked about, although it is coming more to the fore in public perception

I agree with you OP. The question is, do you want to remain with someone who degrades, belittles, undermines and others you?

Seeing as she's your partner and you're not married, it's easier to offload her.
Dump her I would.

In every relationship we should have boundaries and red lines. An informal agreement is made between the two people about what is and what isn't acceptable to us.
We set our own rules. There is no right or wrong, everyone's relationship is different. I may not care if my DH swears in front of me, for someone else it can be a deal-breaker and that's fine.
Being in a relationship should make you feel (overall) stronger, better and happier than not being in that relationship. If it doesn't then it's not the right relationship for you.
OP if your partner is not treating you in a way that makes you feel good then you should think about walking away.