Offensive or 'banter'

[DracunculusVulgaris]

Just a quick straw poll and, yes, short of context, if your partner, husband or wife called you a 'twat' would you be offended or just see it as mildly vulgar banter. The only rider I will put, at the moment, is that there have already been attempts made to establish boundaries around constant swearing, vulgar and crude language. Sorry that this is so cryptic, I would just like to gauge opinion.

We are quite a sweary couple just between us but it’s very much in jest, if you do not like swearing and have said you don’t then it’s really not nice.

If you have already tried to set boundaries with language you are uncomfortable with then you are being further disrespected, apparently deliberately.

I didn't even realise twat was swearing. I actually thought twit/twat we're interchangeable and given the road dahl kids book, I didn't think twit was swearing.

However given the context that you've had to previously put boundaries in place I'd lean towards "not ok".

Only possible defense was if she also wouldn't class it as swearing AND said it in a jokey way - ie not realising it would breach previously agreed boundaries

That's not good.

Sometimes things like this are said in isolated arguments. That's not great, but it's worse when it start becoming regular in a relationship, almost if it's the norm. Some people treat their partners with disdain, and they become doormats to be namecalled or made fun of.

However there is an element to your post that makes me wonder if you are more sensitive than usual to swearing and are quite a serious person generally.

It was news to me until I said it in front of someone from Lancashire (I'm from North Wales), and she was horrified. She said over there it's the equivalent of saying cunt! Here it's just another way of saying idiot.

@EarthSight I wonder if it does vary regionally - im Scottish (Glasgow) if that makes a difference.
Probably does as even the C word can be used affectionately at times here 🤣

Are we not supposed to call our husband a twat now?

There is a town locally here (Caernarfon) where they are known to say 'cont' (cunt) all the time. As in 'Alright cont?'. 😂It was a port a long time ago, so I wonder if sailors influenced this.

You’ve said you don’t like it and your partner has not respected your wishes. I used to swear more before I met DH. He doesn’t like swearing so I now swear less because I respect his wishes. Not to name call is a pretty based request in my opinion.

I know you don't want to clarify so I'll just say if the person was joking/lighthearted I'd probably let it go but would be sure to say out loud something like 'ouch I thought we agreed not to name call'

But if it wasn't in a jokey manner and it had been discussed many times already I'd be very upset and probably reevaluating the future. And not telling the twat caller either as they've already shown prolonged disrespect.

We are a bit of a name calling family, jokingly not ever serious so it wouldn't bother me at all. But it seems to bother you so that's something you need to let him know, if he carries on then he is the twat.

@EarthSight, yes you are correct, in that I am generally quite a serious, quiet and introverted personality - constant swearing does make me uncomfortable and, as I stated earlier, I have asked, many times, for my partner to have some consideration for my sensitivities, although I have never suggested a complete veto on swearing, just a little moderation! But, to have what I consider to be a pejorative word directed at me, in a spiteful manner, is unsettling

The only thing you can do now is just keep an eye on it, as these things can be very context dependent. If you feel uncomfortable in the relationship and you feel it's turning sour & spiteful, and there's no improvement after discussing it, especially multiple times, it doesn't look like you're compatible.

@Jom222, thank you - it was most definitely not said in a lighthearted manner, it was designed to shock and I fear that it was an attempt to, once again, see how far she could push me (I am male, by the way). This was not an isolated incident, there have been many and varied efforts to undermine my boundaries around certain behaviours which are, to me, not acceptable. Surely we all have standards and boundaries which, to each of us, are important and should be honoured? She openly said to me, less than a week ago, that she knows what mine are and how to push them to the limit - this is what concerns me.

Women can be abusive too and I would urge you to contact Menkind.

https://mankind.org.uk

I think it’s one of them you’d have to know the person and there general vocabulary and language
I know someone who use fuck ,cunt and wanker instead of and but do wouldn’t bat an eye off them

Another friend who never swears I would be offended as it’s out if character so they are trying to to be offensive

Is there a reason you have to stay in a relationship? At best, you are incompatible. At worst she’s abusive.

Name calling isn't OK in my relationship so I would be upset and pissed off if my partner called me a twat. We both swear, me probably more than him, but never at each other.

Twat wouldn't bother me, but I grew up in the east end of London with cunt as a term of endearment. The actual word means little, it's the context and how it's said that do.

Only you know what’s ’normal’ in your relationship. They’re either laughing with you (which is what ‘banter’) should be, or they’re laughing at you, which is mean and shitty. You know exactly what he meant.

I would be really annoyed. It's disrespectful imo and not the sort of behaviour I expect from my husband.

The definition of banter includes words such as exchange, friendly & teasing.

To many people (men?) seem to think it means insulting someone with impunity and then claiming 'you've got no sense of humour'.

If you're also calling him an equivalent word to that, and you're both laughing and joking - it's fine.

If he's just being rude and gets in a right strop if you call him a wanker, it's not fine.

This

Have you posted before?