Offensive or 'banter'

[DracunculusVulgaris]

Just a quick straw poll and, yes, short of context, if your partner, husband or wife called you a 'twat' would you be offended or just see it as mildly vulgar banter. The only rider I will put, at the moment, is that there have already been attempts made to establish boundaries around constant swearing, vulgar and crude language. Sorry that this is so cryptic, I would just like to gauge opinion.

In my opinion twat is not swearing. However I am glaswegian and in some some circles calling a person a good cunt is acceptable 😄but it's not about us and what we would or wouldn't accept. It's your boundary.

It depends on the context. To me twat is slightly comical, almost a tongue in cheek insult, to indicate someone is acting silly at that exact moment. A bit like stop being a...'silly sod'/ 'daft bugger' etc.
But if it was said with venom and vitriol along with a load of other nasty and potentially misogynistic stuff, then it of course could be offensive or abusive.
I'd say yelling out 'twat' to a stranger is pretty rude, but probably better than 'cunt'.

Totally depends on the tone and situation but it would sting a little I think. Don't really like the word and would never say it to my DH

I've not read your other thread OP, but it sounds as though you and your partner are not compatible. Based on what you've said here:

• your partner is spiteful and swears at you
• she deliberately "pushes your buttons"
• you don't like the way she speaks. Whether that is because you're overly sensitive to swearing / bad language, or it is because she is crude doesn't matter - the end result is the same in that you find it unsettling/upsetting/unattractive.

From her point of view, perhaps she's annoyed with you policing her language? If so, that would seem to add to the view that you are not compatible.

Of course I wouldn't be offended. We've called each other far far worse over the years, usually jokingly but not always. I couldn't begin to imagine getting offended by being called a twat.

OP I’ve just read your previous posts and this isn’t about a one off being called a twat is it?

It’s an ongoing abusive relationship where you are being degraded, disrespected, humiliated and treated like shit by your partner. Despite numerous threads over a couple of years and very clear advice regarding ending the relationship, you’ve stayed and the abuse is continuing.

You need to find your self respect and your voice otherwise this horrible woman will completely destroy every shred of dignity you have left.

The fact you’re a man makes no difference to the advice - please for your sanity walk away asap

We would use twat (also numpty/ dumbass/ dickhead) in a jokey way, especially in relation to being tipsy/ silly/ clumsy / embarrassing... If it was used in an argument though it would be offensive.

@DracunculusVulgaris l also replied to your other thread where you were advised by myself and others to walk away from what is clearly an abusive relationship. Your partner repeatedly mocks you, swears at you and shows you no respect whatsoever. I suggested you seek counselling to help you leave her as you find it so very hard to do. Please consider this for your own mental health and well being.

OP, you mentioned in an earlier thread that you had made contact with an organisation for men in abusive relationships and that they were helping you. Are you still in contact with them?
I assume some of these organisations/charities have a helpline, maybe even a 24/7 one. Perhaps you could promise yourself that, any time you feel tempted to contact your partner or see her etc, first you will call that helpline and get their advice. Anything that will help you to break the cycle of forever "returning" to her orbit. Maybe there's an organisation that even provides a "buddy system", so you could pair up with a man in a similar situation, agreeing to call each other when you feel most in need of support.

She knows you don't like to hear swearing and yet she continues to swear in front of you. Worse - she uses sewar words to insult you (which would be bad even if you didn't mind swearing in general). She is pushing you. Showing you she is ignoring your feelings and enjoying upsetting you.

Don't move in with her, whatever you do. But rather, please leave her. At best you just aren't compatible and that will become more apparent over time. At worst (and I think it's this) she is abusive.

@perfectcolourfound, thank you. I have absolutely no intention of relinquishing my cottage which, despite all its faults and failings, wraps its arms around me, hugs me, makes me feel welcome, safe and secure every time I walk through the door! And I know that I could not move into a city, the environment where my partner lives- it would be suffocating for me. I know that she would like us to sell our respective properties, reach a compromise and buy somewhere together.

She has told me, with some sense of pride, that when both her previous long term partners walked out on her they both cited similar reasons; "it always has to be X's way" and "it always has to be what X wants" - I can see why they said that - combined with her irritability and irrascible nature it would be a recipe for disaster!

So, what’s your plan? Are you going to end this relationship? Or are you going to stay with someone who clearly doesn’t like or respect you very much, and makes you miserable?

@ForZanyAquaViewer, oh, I intend to get out of this relationship which is not bringing either of us any happiness, it is on the cusp of happening. I am in disgrace again this evening for daring to cut short a phone call with her because I was busy and saying that I would call back later - this is no way to live! I will, I know, be punished for this indiscretion and not behaving like a dog on a leash

Thank you for your response @TreesAtSea, yes, I was in contact with an organisation for men experiencing domestic abuse, and was having regular contact with an advisor, but, unfortunately, she left and everything fell by the wayside! However, I did restablish contact with that organisation yesterday and have been offered a place on a course, very similar to the 'Freedom Programme' for women.

Your idea of a 'buddy' system is inspired and I will definitely look into the possibility of that. Thank you.

Exactly this.

@DracunculusVulgaris

i don't know why this came up and active as you haven't posted on it nor has anyone else in over a week so sorry for reigniting it again. I have seen at least one previous thread of yours.

Any day yet for starting the course??

Your cottage sounds absolutely lovely and the perfect place for you. You certainly don't want to infiltrated by someone making you feel the way she does and it sounds like moving to the city would be a very bad move for you.

You don't live together, and you don't have any other commitments with her or to each other.

I don't know what you need to hear to dump her? But whatever that is, I'm saying it!!

You don't need permission from anybody to split up with someone who is doing you no good but if it's permission, you're seeking you certainly have mine!!

I have people close to me that have autism and if someone was treating them the way she is treating you even if you have good times as well I definitely be helping them become strong enough to get the other person out of their life

Look after yourself xx

Thank you @SnoopySantaPaws for your kind words - I do not have a start date for the course, no, but hopefully some time in March.

There were further incidents last Friday and Saturday - on Friday she suddenly decided,at 9.00 O'clock in the evening, to go off and fuel her car up, having consumed a large glass of wine, and without giving me the opportunity to offer to drive, minimising and telling me that it was ok and that I was overreacting, when, on her return, I expressed my unease with this, especially as it is not the first time!

And on Saturday evening, having quizzed me about a previous relationship, and, not liking the answers, cold shouldered me, slept in the spare bedroom and gave me the 'silent' treatment until mid day on Sunday. I tried to leave on Sunday afternoon, having finally reached the end of my tether and even got as far as starting to pack my bags, but was sweet talked into staying! Now I am being 'hoovered' back in with coersion and lovebombing, although I can see it for what it is and as part of a cycle. The only thing which is keeping me is a misplaced sense of duty and feeling of responsibility, which I know is wrong, on so many levels, not least that it is unfair on BOTH of us, and we both need to be free of a relationship which seems to be becoming toxic

@DracunculusVulgaris hopefully the course will start soon!!

where were you on Sunday when she sweet talked you into staying? Were you not going back to your own cottage anyway???

Where is the sense of duty and responsibility coming from? You're both adults and you both have your own place to live. - you said yourself you have no joint commitments with accommodation, children or anything so why not just 'not make plans for this weekend?' no big drama, just be busy or tired or whatever.She can stay at hers. You can stay at yours and you can each do your own thing??

It's not becoming toxic it is already toxic and you need to get yourself out of i.

Tor God Sake make sure you're using condoms as well as anything she says she's on or using because throwing a baby into the situation would be like throwing a grenade into it!!