DH coercive control?

[MummyB2025]

I don’t really know where to start but I need some advice- is this what marriage is like or is my DH abusive to me? Sorry this may be long as I need to describe the situation to give you an idea.

I have been with my DH for 15 years, married for nearly 4 and we have 3 small children. My DH has always ‘worn the trousers’ but over the years I feel I have lost more and more of myself to now where I am at the point where I can’t even decide on a purchase of something worth a tenner without his input. I used to be quite independent before we met-
had lots of friends, went out, hobbies, bought new clothes regularly, decided on my career opportunities but now I can’t do any of these
things without asking him. I get it we are married but I do feel some things cross the line.
one thing that gets me is he decides on my hours/ working days/ wfh days v chikdcare hours when I return from maternity leave. I feel I have no say and no input into what’s impossible. He wants minimal childcare (<20 hours) but wants me to earn all the money I can (which means full time hours). I have a baby under 6 months and I spent my whole pregnancy looking after 2 toddlers, working full time hours (flexible demanding job), cleaning; cooking, shopping while he just jets off with his work for like 3 -4 days at a time with work. He have Zero help. I was so exhausted. He wouldn’t allow me to ask for any help as he was doing a course he didn’t want people to find out about. He made me self discharge from the maternity ward because he couldn’t cope with the 2 kids and I needed to come home asap. I was only in overnight..

When we have arguments (which is mostly driven by his stress, tiredness or hunger), he gets quite aggressive, calls me nasty names- he has smashed a dinner plate on my head once, threw my out in the snow when I had a broken leg (other reason) and no coat, dragged me down the stairs and gave me carpet burns on my back, he usually punches my limbs or pinches me really hard that gives me bruises. Never on my face it seems and he doesn’t touch our kids. When we have arguments he always forces me to apologise, even if it wasn’t my fault, I give him (mostly to shit him up) and then we try to go back to normal. When things are good we are happy but when things are bad he is nasty.

He earns 6 figures while I have an NHS salary, every month he completely wipes my account to pay for the bills and I am left with £5 to my name. I have nothing. He always says if I need anything I can use his card but when I do he questions every spend, it’s unbearable. Most of the time it’s just stuff for the kids (which he doesn’t mind), but if it was anything for me he would go mental.
He is completely hot headed- I shouted at me for hours when I put the Christmas decorations back the “wrong way”.

i often think of leaving but I don’t know where to start. Our 3 children are under 4 and I’m on maternity leave. I don’t want our kids to end up in care homes if anyone finds out he is potentially abusive. What usually happens? Is this normal I marriage with arguments (name calling etc) or an I blinded?

Absolutely none of this is normal, you must know that deep down. He is physically, emotionally and financially abusive as well as controlling. You need to leave for your children’s sake as well as your own. Children are only taken away if they are not protected from people like your husband.

Oh dear. Have you ever called women’s aid? That’s probably a good place to start. Tell them everything.

Yes deep down I know it that’s true. But when good days are good
then it’s nice which is the confusing part. How do I leave though? He takes my money.

What do they do? I have no idea

Are you scared of him OP?

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

here you go. Just call. Can you do it now?

No I’m not actually scared of him. I really p*sses me off! I hate being controlled and called nasty names all the time. I feel belittled more than anything. He’s a micro manager/ control freak and he’s getting worse with age and stress.

Do you have pictures of the limb bruises?

Do you have family close?

Ok so you can file for divorce

There’s a live chat too.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Move your account so he has no access to it.

You can do this with the bank.

You are being coercively controlled.

Stay calm and plan your exit, speak to the National Domestic Abuse helpline it’s open 24/7: 0808 2000 247.

Gather as much financial information as you can, screenshots of bank accounts, salary slips, anything that may help your case further down the line.

Be careful who you confide in, men like this are very manipulative and will possibly have friends or family that will report back to him.

If he gets a whiff of this he will promise you the world and then return to his old ways.

You will not have your children removed, speak in confidence to your health visitor/GP or any health professional, this is a creating a trail that could be important.

Good luck and stay strong.

The bruises are usually small and nothing to write home about that’s the thing. They really sting at the time when he pinches my thigh or upper arm. There is no evidence really. I have got used to those prodes and pokes now. To be honest it’s more the name calling which really hurt and when he comments on my family. My family live in Ireland and tbh they are quite reserved. The thing I worry is that if he ever improved and sorted himself out then I worry they would hold a grudge. Overall I don’t really want them to know. Have lost touch with friends while on maternity leaves.

first of all stop giving him access to your bank. Then call Women's Aid and the police.

Call the police. Please.

You're deep within an incredibly and horrifically abusive marriage and you're in danger. None of how he treats you is in any way normal.

This post is your first step into realising that. It's going to be a huge shock and realisation as to how bad your situation is. It can be okay though, there's help to get you and your children out and safe.

Look at the links at the top of your post. You're not alone.

Clear your internet history once you've read your responses. Only ever log in on an incognito tab.

I wish you all the very best for your future happy life.

OP this is definitely abusive in all of the above ways.
re how to get out- get your payroll dept to put money into a different account next month. When it doesn’t arrive, pretend to be on the phone to payroll trying to sort it out. Use this money to get away. I genuinely wish all the best for you, get away from this horrible man

Change the bank and stand up for yourself.

This image should give you some perspective on whether his actions amount to abuse. Once you’ve accepted how bad this really is then you can start to accept how damaged your children will be by what they’re being exposed to, both in the short term and long term and hopefully that will motivate you to leave. As a first step you could contact your health visitor, visit a children‘s centre or contact a local domestic abuse charity. I also highly recommend telling a trusted friend EVERYTHING about your relationship so they can support you with the process of leaving and give your head a wobble when you doubt whether leaving is the right thing.

Defo abusive and leaving is so so dangerous. Please take good care of yourself.

It's more than coercive control, it's flat-out domestic violence.

So abusive and done in a way that you won't be able to prove it. That's really insidious and deliberate. He's really given the way he abuses a lot of thought.

Oh god - please make plans to leave this bully as soon as you can.
This is now way for you or your children to live. You would be better off in every way if you were to leave him

So

1. change banks. Don't give him the details. Pay proportional amount into the joint account.
2. Start looking to move out.
3. Under no circumstances do you discuss this
4. You get divorced when you have your ducks all lined up.

Ok so you'll need to save a fair amount of money, in your new bank account, say a couple of thousand get recommendations from discrete divorced friends, collègues, acquaintances or whoever for who is a good divorce lawyer. There are some big London names but they come with big prices tags. (Do this today because once word gets out that you know the game will change.)

Then get appointments with them all. This is helpful in 2 ways. If they've seen you they can't see him. And finding a lawyer that "fits" is harder than you might think. Mine was my 4th and has had my back for 9 years of court cases with my litigious ex.

In the meantime:

start looking for and copying all the paperwork you can find.

Open a new bank account online away from your usual bank and put in as much money as you can that won't be missed. Move any child benefit payments etc to it. You can also transfer half the contents of joint accounts if you have them but that will give the game away so the timing needs to be carefully done.

Make sure you have a clean email address that he does not know about or have access to via other devices.

Assuming you've a smartphone download Evernote and an app like Scannable which will scan documents using your phone straight into Evernote. Evernote is accessible from everywhere and syncs automatically. (You might need to upgrade it but I think it's good value for money.)

Find the paper work for:
Mortgages

Bank statements (back as far as the business sale if possible)
Passports
Investments
Car, bike, boat, racehorse etc purchases
Pension statements
And anything else you can think of.
Any receipts for dodgy purchases - so not for you or kids

Then write a time line of what you know.

So married in x
House bought in x
DC1 in x
D.C. Problems diagnosed in x
Sold business in x
Bought stupid toy in x

This helps the lawyers and is useful for you in working it all out.

I am so sorry you are going thru this, he is abusing you and there is no other way to see this. Could you speak to your manager in work and have them pay your wages into another account so he has no access to it and blame it on a fuck up in work, then get your wages and leave him. Would one months money be enough? Would your family help you out with money? I am usually all for staying in the family home, but sometimes you just need to feel safe and away from his control, and a house that he has no access to is the best way to do this. You may have to stop working for a while with such young children but before you leave get all the important things like passports, birth certs, proof of income (his) and any special things out of the house. Apply for maintenance and whatever other supports you can and get the hell away from him. The good times, while they may be good, do not outweigh the bad ones. Also get another phone and number in case he has a tracker on the one you have already or has location finder enabled. Please be safe, your children need their Mammy.