DH coercive control?

[MummyB2025]

I don’t really know where to start but I need some advice- is this what marriage is like or is my DH abusive to me? Sorry this may be long as I need to describe the situation to give you an idea.

I have been with my DH for 15 years, married for nearly 4 and we have 3 small children. My DH has always ‘worn the trousers’ but over the years I feel I have lost more and more of myself to now where I am at the point where I can’t even decide on a purchase of something worth a tenner without his input. I used to be quite independent before we met-
had lots of friends, went out, hobbies, bought new clothes regularly, decided on my career opportunities but now I can’t do any of these
things without asking him. I get it we are married but I do feel some things cross the line.
one thing that gets me is he decides on my hours/ working days/ wfh days v chikdcare hours when I return from maternity leave. I feel I have no say and no input into what’s impossible. He wants minimal childcare (<20 hours) but wants me to earn all the money I can (which means full time hours). I have a baby under 6 months and I spent my whole pregnancy looking after 2 toddlers, working full time hours (flexible demanding job), cleaning; cooking, shopping while he just jets off with his work for like 3 -4 days at a time with work. He have Zero help. I was so exhausted. He wouldn’t allow me to ask for any help as he was doing a course he didn’t want people to find out about. He made me self discharge from the maternity ward because he couldn’t cope with the 2 kids and I needed to come home asap. I was only in overnight..

When we have arguments (which is mostly driven by his stress, tiredness or hunger), he gets quite aggressive, calls me nasty names- he has smashed a dinner plate on my head once, threw my out in the snow when I had a broken leg (other reason) and no coat, dragged me down the stairs and gave me carpet burns on my back, he usually punches my limbs or pinches me really hard that gives me bruises. Never on my face it seems and he doesn’t touch our kids. When we have arguments he always forces me to apologise, even if it wasn’t my fault, I give him (mostly to shit him up) and then we try to go back to normal. When things are good we are happy but when things are bad he is nasty.

He earns 6 figures while I have an NHS salary, every month he completely wipes my account to pay for the bills and I am left with £5 to my name. I have nothing. He always says if I need anything I can use his card but when I do he questions every spend, it’s unbearable. Most of the time it’s just stuff for the kids (which he doesn’t mind), but if it was anything for me he would go mental.
He is completely hot headed- I shouted at me for hours when I put the Christmas decorations back the “wrong way”.

i often think of leaving but I don’t know where to start. Our 3 children are under 4 and I’m on maternity leave. I don’t want our kids to end up in care homes if anyone finds out he is potentially abusive. What usually happens? Is this normal I marriage with arguments (name calling etc) or an I blinded?

Coercive control is domestic violence. It is how man control women in a society where battering is against the law and social mores and laws no longer exist to control women’s access to property, money, education and employment. Here, whilst the OP is in work, her husband is controlling everything about it and ensuring that she also has no support with childcare or friends to ask for help/support.
This may be what you meant but it is worth spelling out that coercive control is domestic violence and domestic violence is a form of control, they are not separate or on a spectrum.

MummyB2025 I would recommend not doing anything until you have taken advice and sought support from professionals how to get you and DC out safely. By professionals, I mean Women’s Aid, any employee assistance you have at your work, the police. See also https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

Oh you poor love, this isn't just coercive control it is full-on abusive.

Hi OP,

I'm in a similar situation myself and reached out to women's aid. They were fantastic. I've now been in touch with my local WA branch who have offered me some help. It's a horrendous feeling knowing that the way you are being treated is wrong and that your children are witness to it. No matter how much we try to shield them from it they know something isn't right.

I keep asking myself what I'd tell my friends if they came to me and told me that they were going through what I am or worse still if it was my daughter who came to me.

It's my responsibility to teach my daughter how she deserves to be treated and by sitting back and not holding my husband accountable I am not doing right by her.

Well done you for taking the first step and reaching out 🫂

This is true, but Women’s Aid will believe you.

I don’t want our kids to end up in care homes if anyone finds out he is potentially abusive.

Your kids won't get taken into care if they have you to look after them. Social services would want to keep you with your children. They should support you to leave a DA situation.

It would only be if you weren't keeping the children safe perhaps by going back to the relationship that it could be an issue.

Because he's stealing your money, I think an option for you might be going into refuge with the children. You could then figure out your options from there. If you are travelling to a refuge, you can get your tickets paid for
www.womensaid.org.uk/what-we-do/supporting-our-members/travel-to-refuge/#:~:text=Free%20travel%20for%20those%20fleeing,abuse%20travelling%20to%20refuge%20accommodation.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and so pleased that you've reached out, and that you have recognised this isn't normal and it isn't OK.

I implore you to talk to your family if they will be supportive. He won't get any better, he'll likely get worse, and the least of your worries should be them thinking badly of him.

I hesitated to tell my family when I needed to leave my marriage - the relief when I finally did! And they were brilliant. Now, with young adult children, I'd be appalled if they were in a bad relationship and hid it from me. Because I want to help them, to support them, and I want them to know they deserve only happiness, and they should never stay with people who treat them badly.

And that's what I want you to know too. You deserve better than that vile excuse for a husband. He is abusive in many ways. There's no grey areas here - it's straightforward abuse. Would you dream of treating anyone the way he treats you? More than that - would you dream of treating someone you're meant to love deeply and forever, the way he treats you?

This is an awful situation for you to be in, and it's awful for your children. They need to see you value yourself and them. Show them that if someone mistreats them, they walk away, because they are worth more than that.

What is normal in a (good, healthy) marriage is - always wanting what's best for the other person, supporting them through thick and thin, making them know in a hundred ways how much you love them, having their back, laughing with them, hugging them. They are your safe place and 'home'. You would never, ever, in a million years, want to hurt them (physically or emotionally). If you hurt them by mistake you'd be mortified. Sounds nothing like your husband.

Please seek help, professional and personal and consider the advice given by other posters on here. And know that you deserve better, and that you and your children can have a much better, happier, calmer lift away from that man.

You are being abused in so many ways. He is controlling and hurting you. It’s not right. You do not deserve this. Please do all of the things others have said.

Call Womens aid.
Print out your bank account which shows him clearing your account out.

You are the victim of a very very serious crime of Coercive Control.

He is violent and pinching is a very deliberate effort to call maximum pain with little bruises.

Ask for help at work.
Walk in to any police station and ask to speak to someone about Coercive Control.

This is a very bad dangerous man.

No, I didn't intend to downplay other forms of abuse, I was just shocked that OP went on to describe having a plate broken on her head etc.

As others have said, it's abuse - physical, emotional, and financial abuse. He's abusing you and, by proxy, he's abusing your children by traumatising and damaging their primary caregiver. For their sake and yours, you need to get out.

It's good that you're feeling anger and annoyance rather than fear as hopefully that can power you through the next difficult steps of leaving. Other posters have given good advice about the specific steps and keeping it as quiet as you can until you're ready to go - please know that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the woman is about to leave, as it triggers the abuser's control issues.

You've wondered if it can be abuse because the good times are good. In an abusive relationship, it's all part of the abusive cycle. When he's being nice, friendly, lovely - that's the 'reconciliation' phase when the relief of not being yelled at, physically assaulted, being happy to be with the man you thought you'd married etc, makes you stay. There's more about the cycle of abuse here: https://www.verywellhealth.com/cycle-of-abuse-5210940 Please also remember that, even when he's being lovely, he's still financially abusing you. There is no good part of this; it is all damage.

Thank you everyone. This is reassuring and helpful. Im currently on maternity leave so I have no work support really. I will start to make logs, I did have some but he found them and deleted them.
im trying to find the strength this time, this is one step forward for me. I keep thinking that I don’t want my children to see how to treat women badly. He’s a fantastic dad but an absolute horrible husband that has cut deep into every part of me which makes me feel like a useless mother and stupid, worthless person. I can’t remember the last time he complimented me or felt truly nice about myself.

I don’t want our kids to end up in care homes if anyone finds out he is potentially abusive. What usually happens?

The children who end up in care are the children of mother who stay, and refuse to leave.

It's hard, but very important you hear and understand, that you staying in an abusive relationship is in itself abusive to your children. Your children deserve to grow up in a home without abuse. You must leave, to keep your children safe.

He is not a fantastic dad, he is abusing the mother of his DC. That’s terribly damaging for your DC.

He’s a very dangerous man. Don’t do anything in a rush. Plan. Be clever. If you are on maternity leave there should be health care services you can tap into, I would also hope the union or your work would be well placed to support you, when the time is right.

I'm going to disagree with him being a fantastic father: he wouldn't be setting this example to his children if he was.

I know how hard it is to get out, having had to get myself safe too.

First: you deserve to be safe and happy.

Second: if he spends time away from home now is the perfect time to get away.

Third: you don't need documentation or evidence. Your experience, plus the banking details are enough. As is discharging yourself.

You've got this.

Please speak to Womens Aid now. I don't want to scare you, but given he knows you keep logs, he's taking all of your money, then he's at his most dangerous.

As for your family: they will rather you're alive and safe than anything else.

I just had a look at the cycles and that is totally me. It just goes round and round in circles. I think I need to plan this. Just leaving won’t get me anywhere helpful and I’ll just have to come back again, I also have 3 kids to think about.

He might seem like a good dad now, but

1. good dads don’t hurt mums. Your children adore you and wouldn’t be emotionally safe knowing their dad hurts and controls their mum - they’d feel awful.

2. he may not hit them yet, but he will. Abusive men like your husband won’t be able to hold back when he thinks they’re old enough to know better. When they start to challenge him on his behaviour towards you.

Kids aren’t stupid, his behaviour will become a bigger deal for the whole household.

Social services will support you to leave. They will only take the kids if you don’t leave him, choosing your relationship over your children.

I wish I had the words but all I can say is no, this is not normal. Yes it is coercive control which is illegal, and you should absolutely leave. Another bloody disgrace to the human race, him. Not you.

He is physically, financially and emotionally abusing you OP. Well done for reaching out.

Make sure your contraception is good so you don't have another child.

Make sure he cannot see this thread.

Start making plans and be careful.

Did the maternity team ask you if there was any abuse at home?

The thing is, leaving is a process, not an event. This situation did not develop overnight. It developed little by little so as you did not notice it (it’s the boiling frog analogy, the water is turned up little by little because otherwise the frog would jump out). So I use the analogy of peeling an onion, you need to take off one layer of control at a time and it may take a long time, but you will get there.
You started a log - this means you know his behaviour is wrong. You posted on here - this means you know his behaviour is wrong. You have not lost your sense of self. You are going to be able to do this.
You are very vulnerable being on maternity leave and having no support - is there anyone you can talk to at all? What about your health visitor or GP? How much time do you have when your husband is not there?

And no, he is not a fantastic dad. Fantastic dads do not treat the mother of their children in this way.

Do you need any help accessing women aid or similar local DV services? Please message DM me if you do. You need an IDVA. Who will sort everything for you to just get yourself and your babies out. Not immediately if you don't think you can just up and leave, but they will give you options and guide you ( or him ) out. But please don't carry on managing this alone.

This is a valuable point. He adores them now but I would hate it if he started hitting them in the future as a teenager or whatever, however I find this hard to see as he adores them so much. It’s just me that is the issue.

The only confusing question I have now is would someone/ services automatically stop their dad from seeing his kids? I wouldn’t want this to happen as he has a safe bond with them. I need to separate from him to rebalance things. I hope this makes sense.

Worry about that after. Today your task is being safe.

You are NOT the issue!!!
Honestly this is exactly what abuse is.
Contact Womans Aid
Start separating finances
Make sure Child Benefit is paid itno your account
Find passports/Child certificates
Slow and steady, it doesnt have to be a rapid exit.
Speak to professionals, call anonymously if you are worried

Would you hit him? Pinch him? Drag him around? Belittle him etc? No? This is NOT marriage

Can I ask very roughly where are you based? South East by any chance?

Unlikely - the courts etc tend to promote maintaining contact for the children even in domestic abuse situations.

But access can be through third parties or contact centres if necessary rather than you having to facilitate it.