DH coercive control?

[MummyB2025]

I don’t really know where to start but I need some advice- is this what marriage is like or is my DH abusive to me? Sorry this may be long as I need to describe the situation to give you an idea.

I have been with my DH for 15 years, married for nearly 4 and we have 3 small children. My DH has always ‘worn the trousers’ but over the years I feel I have lost more and more of myself to now where I am at the point where I can’t even decide on a purchase of something worth a tenner without his input. I used to be quite independent before we met-
had lots of friends, went out, hobbies, bought new clothes regularly, decided on my career opportunities but now I can’t do any of these
things without asking him. I get it we are married but I do feel some things cross the line.
one thing that gets me is he decides on my hours/ working days/ wfh days v chikdcare hours when I return from maternity leave. I feel I have no say and no input into what’s impossible. He wants minimal childcare (<20 hours) but wants me to earn all the money I can (which means full time hours). I have a baby under 6 months and I spent my whole pregnancy looking after 2 toddlers, working full time hours (flexible demanding job), cleaning; cooking, shopping while he just jets off with his work for like 3 -4 days at a time with work. He have Zero help. I was so exhausted. He wouldn’t allow me to ask for any help as he was doing a course he didn’t want people to find out about. He made me self discharge from the maternity ward because he couldn’t cope with the 2 kids and I needed to come home asap. I was only in overnight..

When we have arguments (which is mostly driven by his stress, tiredness or hunger), he gets quite aggressive, calls me nasty names- he has smashed a dinner plate on my head once, threw my out in the snow when I had a broken leg (other reason) and no coat, dragged me down the stairs and gave me carpet burns on my back, he usually punches my limbs or pinches me really hard that gives me bruises. Never on my face it seems and he doesn’t touch our kids. When we have arguments he always forces me to apologise, even if it wasn’t my fault, I give him (mostly to shit him up) and then we try to go back to normal. When things are good we are happy but when things are bad he is nasty.

He earns 6 figures while I have an NHS salary, every month he completely wipes my account to pay for the bills and I am left with £5 to my name. I have nothing. He always says if I need anything I can use his card but when I do he questions every spend, it’s unbearable. Most of the time it’s just stuff for the kids (which he doesn’t mind), but if it was anything for me he would go mental.
He is completely hot headed- I shouted at me for hours when I put the Christmas decorations back the “wrong way”.

i often think of leaving but I don’t know where to start. Our 3 children are under 4 and I’m on maternity leave. I don’t want our kids to end up in care homes if anyone finds out he is potentially abusive. What usually happens? Is this normal I marriage with arguments (name calling etc) or an I blinded?

Thank you everyone, I didn’t think I would be able to get such useful advice on MN but you have all been very helpful. I appreciate it.

OP I've had a lot to do with a charity called surviving economic abuse from a work perspective and I wanted to pitch in to say you can contact them for advice about the money side of things, have a look at their website.

He's not a fantastic dad

This is coercive control as well as domestic violence. CC is a crime now, too. You should report him to the police.

For the sake of your children, leave him.

I know it's hard.

Hugs xxx

Op - this is full on domestic abuse. You’ve had some fantastic advice , please follow the advice on here .
He is not a good dad , he couldnt even look after his own children for a night while his wife gave birth 😡. Please don’t stay with him because you think he’s a loving father ..loving fathers don’t scream and shout at their children’s mothers and assault them
I was controlled by my husband for years , he was having an affair while I was pregnant . He took all my money .. and mentally abused me .
he eventually turned violent , I went to women’s aid then spent six weeks secretly planning to leave behind his back .. with WA support I found a house to rent . I moved In While h was at work with nothing but mine and the DCs clothes and possessions , no furniture .. yet I’d never felt so free and happy . That was 13 years ago .. I got back on my feet and eventually moved 3.5 hours away from him

Op, you must get away from this man. This is so abusive. Speak to womens aid.

Fucking hell, this is the WORST thing I have ever read on here, and I've been on here for over 10 years. This is FULL ON domestic abuse. All of it. He's assaulting you, and financially abusing you as well.

It is very concerning that you can't see this? Op, I am 5ft1 and my DH is 6ft3. He towers over me. If we argue, he never ever lays a finger on me. He has never punched me, slapped me, dragged me anywhere, EVER. And believe me, we have had big rows. He also has no access to my bank accounts, has no idea how much savings I have, and wouldn't even ask me that. When I was poorly last year, he took time off work and did everything for me, all the cooking and cleaning, and I lay on the sofa/in bed, doing nothing for a week.

Please start to think about how you can leave this monster. Bear in mind, when dividing assets, his Pension value is taken into account, and you can take half of it's value in cash. See a solicitor asap. I left my 1st husband (who was also abusive, but not as bad as yours), after 20 years of marriage. It's do-able. Do you have parents alive? If so, tell them what's happening and get their help.

He's not a fantastic dad, he's an abusive cunt. He's really done a number on you for you to think he is in any way a good dad.

What you’re suggesting is really dangerous for the OP. Leaving is when women get seriously injured or killed.

OP I would seek help from the police to leave this relationship.

BountifulPantry I'm taking the fact that she says she's not scared of him at face value. Obviously, if she is scared of him, and he is clearly fucking scary, then she should do as much as is safe to do. But unless you've had no money, it is difficult to imagine how much that gives you NO options.

He'll probably beat the shit out of her the moment she tried to take charge of her own finances.

She could go into refuge with the kids, you can get your travel paid for to get there if you're going into refuge.

Some of it she can do in situ like opening an online bank account he's unaware of, but she really needs to be physically safe before she changes over where the money is going if he wipes her out every month.

@Wallywobbles its really not as simple as OP just opening a new account and using that money to escape.

As soon as he gets a whiff she might break free he will up the abuse, including physical violence. That’s how abusers work and that’s why you cannot just leave.

OP, I really reiterate to be careful. This man is dangerous to you. Ideally you would get this man arrested and leave when he is in police custody with the assistance of a DV charity. please seek advice from women’s aid or another domestic violence charity about leaving safely. They really are the experts in keeping you safe.

This. Fantastic dads do not abuse the children’s mum.

Also, an abusive partners behaviour is rarely ‘all bad’. There has to be at least an element of nice behaviour or he’d leave you in no doubt and you’d leave him. Gotta keep you reeled in and thinking it’s all in your head.

All the preparation she can do in terms of documentation before she leaves will make it so much easier in the long run. Refuges are short-term sticking plasters and if she can afford to think longer term she'll be so much better off.