DH coercive control?

[MummyB2025]

I don’t really know where to start but I need some advice- is this what marriage is like or is my DH abusive to me? Sorry this may be long as I need to describe the situation to give you an idea.

I have been with my DH for 15 years, married for nearly 4 and we have 3 small children. My DH has always ‘worn the trousers’ but over the years I feel I have lost more and more of myself to now where I am at the point where I can’t even decide on a purchase of something worth a tenner without his input. I used to be quite independent before we met-
had lots of friends, went out, hobbies, bought new clothes regularly, decided on my career opportunities but now I can’t do any of these
things without asking him. I get it we are married but I do feel some things cross the line.
one thing that gets me is he decides on my hours/ working days/ wfh days v chikdcare hours when I return from maternity leave. I feel I have no say and no input into what’s impossible. He wants minimal childcare (<20 hours) but wants me to earn all the money I can (which means full time hours). I have a baby under 6 months and I spent my whole pregnancy looking after 2 toddlers, working full time hours (flexible demanding job), cleaning; cooking, shopping while he just jets off with his work for like 3 -4 days at a time with work. He have Zero help. I was so exhausted. He wouldn’t allow me to ask for any help as he was doing a course he didn’t want people to find out about. He made me self discharge from the maternity ward because he couldn’t cope with the 2 kids and I needed to come home asap. I was only in overnight..

When we have arguments (which is mostly driven by his stress, tiredness or hunger), he gets quite aggressive, calls me nasty names- he has smashed a dinner plate on my head once, threw my out in the snow when I had a broken leg (other reason) and no coat, dragged me down the stairs and gave me carpet burns on my back, he usually punches my limbs or pinches me really hard that gives me bruises. Never on my face it seems and he doesn’t touch our kids. When we have arguments he always forces me to apologise, even if it wasn’t my fault, I give him (mostly to shit him up) and then we try to go back to normal. When things are good we are happy but when things are bad he is nasty.

He earns 6 figures while I have an NHS salary, every month he completely wipes my account to pay for the bills and I am left with £5 to my name. I have nothing. He always says if I need anything I can use his card but when I do he questions every spend, it’s unbearable. Most of the time it’s just stuff for the kids (which he doesn’t mind), but if it was anything for me he would go mental.
He is completely hot headed- I shouted at me for hours when I put the Christmas decorations back the “wrong way”.

i often think of leaving but I don’t know where to start. Our 3 children are under 4 and I’m on maternity leave. I don’t want our kids to end up in care homes if anyone finds out he is potentially abusive. What usually happens? Is this normal I marriage with arguments (name calling etc) or an I blinded?

There's no reason your children would be taken into care if you sought help to leave the relationship. That only happens in situations where a parent puts their children at risk by allowing an abusive parent back into the home against agreements with social services I think.

But where he's pinching you is deliberate so ita not easily seen! As someone who's just left an abusive marriage, get the hell out and don't look back!!! It will work out, it will be stressful but it will be worth it!!

I'm so glad you've posted and that you're gaining the strength to build a new life for you and your children.
So many of us have been in the position of sitting, reading threads about abuse on Mumsnet and gradually realising that's what we're experiencing.
If it's safe for you to read them, there are some books that help too. One is "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and another is "You don't have to take it anymore" by Steven Stosny.

He’s a fantastic dad but an absolute horrible husband that has cut deep into every part of me which makes me feel like a useless mother and stupid, worthless person.

No! A fantastic dad who loves his children would never ever abuse their mother. You're his punching ball so he doesn't need to abuse his kids. Do you know how much damage it does to kids living in an abusive environment. You need to leave him in order for your kids to have a stable home environment. There are shelters for battered women, please ask for help.

Oh goodness, this is domestic abuse, its not normal or healthy environment for children. You wont lose your children for removing them from this environment. There are so many domestic abuse organisations who can help and advise you, spend some time reading their advice as it will help you realise you’re doing the right thing in leaving

He takes your money so that you have no choices. First step is to rearrange your finances.

Did you want 3 children, some abusive men pressure their victims into having DC as it makes it more difficult to leave. Make sure your contraception is good whilst you are planning to leave.

He's violent and abusive. You need to leave and you need to seek advice on how to leave safely. I wouldn't put it past him to check your phone, so please think about that when making a plan to get help. It is when women are in the process of leaving, or men sense they are about to, that is the most dangerous time so be very, very careful. The behaviour can escalate very quickly.

Hi, you've said you started logging his behaviour but he found it and deleted it. I have found logging abusive behaviour very helpful in terms of keeping me aware that my husbands's behaviour IS abusive, when I start to have a wobble and wonder, is it me? I read my notes and know, no it isn't me, it really is him.

Have you tried using an app called MYNARA to note his behaviour? It's free and it's designed for women in abusive relationships to log their partner's behaviour. Once you have made an entry, it cannot be deleted or edited, precisely so that abusive partners can't alter the notes or persuade you to do so.

You can use the app or the web version and I use the web version on my laptop, in a private browser so it can't be traced.

Dude, that's way more than coercive control. That's full on domestic violence. How many on the list does he not tick off?

Start making a noise. You urgently need help to remove this specimen from your life. Do it for your kids. Poor buggers being forced to grow up in the middle of that.

i didn’t know this. This is what I need. I used to use my work emails which he can’t get into.

If you're not scared of him, why do you keep letting him physically assault you without defending yourself or reporting him to the police?

Well jeez I wish things were that black and white! Go away, you are not helpful here.

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that perhaps what you mean is-
@MummyB2025 I think you are scared of him, and that’s why you are still there tolerating this behaviour.

@MummyB2025 please be sure you log out of MN. You do not want him to see your thread.

I've been in a similar posting to you OP and it's really hard and I only had one child.

What's your housing situation? Do you jointly own?

If you speak to women's aid they'll be able to help and offer some help advise.

No I’m not actually scared of him. I really p*sses me off! I hate being controlled and called nasty names all the time. I feel belittled more than anything. He’s a micro manager/ control freak and he’s getting worse with age and stress.

Good! Keep hold of this anger OP and think of how it will impact your children when they think this is the norm. Please divorce this horrible man.

Is sex consensual?
Has it always been consensual?

Hard to imagine it has.

he has smashed a dinner plate on my head once, threw my out in the snow when I had a broken leg (other reason) and no coat, dragged me down the stairs and gave me carpet burns on my back, he usually punches my limbs or pinches me really hard that gives me bruises.

See a solicitor about divorce
See a therapist on your own to talk about this so you understand he is an abusive bully
Report to police the next incident immediately
Pack an escape bag ready
Identify a safe place to go to

Immediately

This is shocking

Been through some horrific abuse but this is so upsetting to read
So sorry op

He is a fcking MONSTER

This is such a truly horrific read.
He's a monster.
I wouldn't want a monster like that near any child.

He's a sneaky bastard bruising her where none are visible in doing so he knows it's wrong.
Nobody should have this inflicted upon them plus the financial abuse.
Op this is no way to live for you and your children.
I sincerely hope you find the strength to get away.

OP he sounds extremely abusive. Please contact Women's Aid, they can give you lots of advice. You need to make a plan to leave and they can help you do this.

Oh, and he's not a fantastic father. A fantastic father doesn't abuse the mother of his children.

OP, my ex partner was arrested for this kind of behaviour, including the 'prod and poke' in your words.

It is a crime and he is a criminal. Your children are young and deserve better than to see their mum treated like this. They will think it is normal when it is absolutely not.

You need to leave this man. If you divorce, you should be entitled to some of the money he is keeping for himself. Try to see a solicitor when he is away. They can give you an estimate of what you might be entitled to in a split.

Get to safety with the kids.
Call the police.
Contact womans aid or your local DV charity.
Speak to your work. My NHS Trust has Domestic Violence policies and can now give extra paid leave to support you with this.

As others have said, this isn't just coercive control. It's financial and also physical abuse. Your children are learning that this is ok. It isn't.

Please take on board what people here are saying and act fast.
Don't bide your time or inform him, it can aggravate the situation and put you in further danger.

Document everything x

Good luck