Self esteem shot by partners porn use

[Mum1762]

My partner of 3 y uses porn regularly, multiple times a day typically whenever I leave the house but I’ve walked in on him doing it when I’ve been upstairs working. He says it’s normal and all men do it and I’m controlling for not liking it. I don’t have an issue with porn but it’s the extent of it and how it has now pretty much totally replaced our sex life. The fact he waits until I leave the house then immediately goes on porn makes me feel like shit given he is too tired for sex with me. I have said why can’t we watch together but he says it makes him uncomfortable yet when I was pregnant with our son he was on every chat site going trying to get women to do mutual masturbation over video call. I can’t help compare myself with these women and feel I can never match up to their perfect bodies. I have tried explaining to him how it makes me feel and how much it hurts me but he can’t stop. I’m at the point now where I’ve booked vaginal surgery privately and used all my savings to pay for it as I’m desperate to try save our relationship. I just feel so sad and down and I just hate my body so much. I know people will say just leave but it’s not easy when you’ve built a life with someone and especially because he constantly tells me all men do this so I’d only have to face the same issue if I ever got into another relationship 😣

Man here, it's not normal, not all men do it. Most have probably at some stage looked at it, but if my missus walked in on me that would be the end, never mind 3 times a day. It's not the right thing for a dad to be doing.

Feel so sorry for you OP, your DH sounds awful and has zero respect for you. Do not do anything to your vagina- he is the problem.

Chatting to other woman online whilst you're pregnant is HUGE- It is cheating and very blatant which shows he has no respect for you.

I think his porn use will just keep growing and eventually he will seek another thrill. As he has cheated already I would not put it past him making it IRL.

Another thread I saw on a similar subject with some good advice on the cheating:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5255371-not-admitting-to-dh-about-my-sexting-with-other-older-men

you think you need to spend all your money fixing a big cunt? don't. just tell him to leave

Flippant perhaps, but if you waste your money on a procedure you don't need in the hope he will change, you'll end up potentially with medical issues/complications, no fucking money and he's still a porn addict.

I'm surprised your vagina hasn't just sealed itself shut at the thought of him, he's giving ME the most almighty ICK

Oh and you've just disclosed something in your last post " you forgave his cheating " ?
So he has cheated on you as well ?
Dump , dump , dump his sorry ass .

This man is not worthy of you op - porn addict , given you bad self esteem ( you sound worn down by him ) and he is a cheat !

Please get rid , he has no redeeming features , has abused you until you will accept all shit he sents your way.
( you might not believe that , but if you were to leave him in 6 months you'd agree )

If any of your children are female , fast forward a few years and would you be happy that your daughter was living the life you are with a partner like yours ?
Bet the answer is no .

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you act .
Grab some courage and see now is your rock bottom , and make plans to get him out of your life.

Not a single person has commented that they had this problem with their partner and solved it with vaginal surgery. Not one. Stop and think, OP. He doesn't want a real woman. He wants a misogynistic fantasy set of holes. "Tight" on almost all of the searches? Bleurgh. The problem is NOT YOU (or your vagina), it's him.

By cheating I mean the online messaging while I was pregnant. But he says he only did it because I was vile and awful. I’m not sure if he’s right because not many of my friends have kids but these texts show how he justifies what he did

“he was on every chat site going trying to get women to do mutual masturbation over video call”

Seriously?! And he’s telling you this is ok and normal? What a shitstain of a man. You deserve better.

Oh my god what a whiny little bitch he is. Me me me me me

He says it is ok because I was awful to him. I don’t know if the things he says i did are truly awful but I accept I made him feel unwanted and so I wanted to try heal the relationship after I found out. For context I was only 3 months post partum the day I found all the messages and stuff on his phone and about to return to work full time the following day so I was a bit vulnerable at that time

No normal, loving partner would be making 'the odd comment' about your vagina. Would you make negative remarks about his dick, and expect him not to mind?
As everyone else has said, your self esteem must be in a really bad place to tolerate this. The fact that his justification for it is because you were ILL during your pregnancy just shows what a piece of shit he is. Get out before he destroys your sense of self-worth completely, and, by the way, there's nothing wrong with your vagina. I can tell you that without looking...

This. Who gives a stuff what your vag looks like why are you so determined to shoulder the blame?

If your marriage is foundering and you’re feeling unwanted etc, you talk to your partner and work on it. You don’t jump on the internet and find someone else to wank with. He’s talking a load of absolute shit and has done a real number on you, getting you to think any part of his behaviour is your fault. Shitstain and you deserve better, keep telling yourself that.

when I was pregnant with our son he was on every chat site going trying to get women to do mutual masturbation over video call.

I still love him and he is otherwise a good partner. I don’t think he does it to hurt me he just physically cannot understand why I’d be hurt by it because he thinks it’s normal and something every man on this planet does. He thinks my mental health is the issue rather than the porn

He is not a good partner. He's a piece of shit who's somehow succeeded in convincing you that you have driven him to need to get off on other women's bodies. He had phone sex with other women while you were sick and pregnant? Wake up, OP. No, men don't all behave like this. He just wants you to think that.

Hello op I'm so sorry you're going through this.

This is my expertise area so please feel free to ask me any questions. I know this is a very painful and confusing time.

I'm going to list some resources for you for true support. I really believe you need the support of women going/gone through this.

Love after porn on reddit.
Navigating betrayal on facebook
Helping couples heal on facebook and podcast
Choose to be podcast.
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.

For your partner if you wish to pass them on entirely your choice.
Pbse podcast
Porn on the brain . Org
Helping couples heal
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement and integrity abuse
Luke Gordon's podcast beyond the facade
For therapy I'd reccomend Chris jones therapy

Gross 🤮 I bet he is one of those men with his hands down his pants all the time.

It's not normal and he's a disgusting pig!!

Sweetheart - your vagina is absolutely bloody fine. Please treat yourself kindly and know your own worth. This man is draining you of all of your self-esteem. Take the power back. Leave him to his porn and look forward to a future with your DC.

Ewww he is a disgusting, misogynistic piece of shit isn't he.

OP, please stop apportioning any blame to yourself in this. He is addicted to porn, what he is doing is not normal and it's not your fault no matter how he twists it.

Cancel the surgery, use that money to leave and start afresh, please also see if you can get some counselling before you start any new relationship to understand boundaries and healthy patterns of behaviour

Your partner isn't a porn addict because of your body and vaginal surgery won't stop him being a porn addict.

First research porn addiction. Read stories from other wives who've been in your position. Learn what you're dealing with.

Secondly on top of the porn use you've got a partner who pressures you, gaslights you, won't sleep with you, speaks to you like shit and seems to resent his own kids.

Having a tighter vagina won't change his shit personality.

You are more than a vagina.

Your solution to the problem is the wrong solution.

Stop debating with your partner over this. Stop the pointless discussions. And focus on absolutely anything else in your life because I guarantee it will make you happier.

His behaviour is not caused by your vagina.

I imagine there is a long story in your life of how your self esteem got crushed enough to make you feel like this.

Please just listen to everyone here and don’t impoverish yourself by paying someone to rearrange your vagina - instead of being someone with a porn addict partner you’ll be someone penniless with a porn addict partner and a chopped up vagina.

Just please believe that he is a complete dickhead and nothing he’s done is justified. I was nauseous (and rude, and exhausted) during pregnancy and my husband was kind and lovely and understanding. I’m not showing off I’m saying that your partner’s behaviour was a choice and a bad one.

@Mum1762 I am in my early 40s and had lots of relationships. I have never been with a man who used porn to that extent, who contacted other women online or who bullied me the way he has with you.

Obviously I don't know everything that goes on in other people's lives but I'm fairly sure I don't know any men who behave like this.

It's not normal and not every man does this.

He's done an amazing job of making you think it's your fault. This is nothing to do with you, it's nothing to do with how tight your vagina is or anything else.

I promise you.

I’m at the point now where I’ve booked vaginal surgery privately and used all my savings to pay for it as I’m desperate to try save our relationship.

You are definitely worried about the wrong twat here

its amazing how much shite women tolerate in relationships. you deserve much better than this nonsense, raise the bar and leave this idiot.

He is gaslighting you, by making your reaction to his behaviour the problem instead of him facing the fact that his behaviour is compromising your relationship. Take the money you have put aside for surgery and invest it in a good psychotherapist. Ask him to go with you to a couple's therapist. He will say no because he is not interested in doing the work, then take yourself to one and work out how to leave him with your dignity and sanity in tact.

Let me say that back to you in a way that translates: you were ill whilst carrying HIS child, so he thought that he would turn to other women on the internet. It does not matter how your symptoms manifested, whether you felt affectionate or happy, that is NO excuse for what he did.