Self esteem shot by partners porn use

[Mum1762]

My partner of 3 y uses porn regularly, multiple times a day typically whenever I leave the house but I’ve walked in on him doing it when I’ve been upstairs working. He says it’s normal and all men do it and I’m controlling for not liking it. I don’t have an issue with porn but it’s the extent of it and how it has now pretty much totally replaced our sex life. The fact he waits until I leave the house then immediately goes on porn makes me feel like shit given he is too tired for sex with me. I have said why can’t we watch together but he says it makes him uncomfortable yet when I was pregnant with our son he was on every chat site going trying to get women to do mutual masturbation over video call. I can’t help compare myself with these women and feel I can never match up to their perfect bodies. I have tried explaining to him how it makes me feel and how much it hurts me but he can’t stop. I’m at the point now where I’ve booked vaginal surgery privately and used all my savings to pay for it as I’m desperate to try save our relationship. I just feel so sad and down and I just hate my body so much. I know people will say just leave but it’s not easy when you’ve built a life with someone and especially because he constantly tells me all men do this so I’d only have to face the same issue if I ever got into another relationship 😣

@Mum1762 - please get rid of him. It sounds like you have a shared child which makes things harder but this guy is grubby and makes you feel bad about yourself. He’s not the one for you. All men do not do this. He’s lying to you and quite possibly lying to himself but that’s not your problem.

A good friend of mine had a partner who revealed a porn addiction. They tried to work on it but his attitudes were ultimately so tainted by it (including him insisting on sex when she had a UTI because he had no care for her pleasure), that their relationship ended. She’s now very happily married to another man.

What the fuck have I just read. Do you hate yourself so much that you’ll do anything to keep this absolute waste of space tosser? Cancel your surgery, dump him and book you and your DC holiday. What an absolute toad. Watching cam girls while you were pregnant and rushing off to watch porn the moment your back is turned? He is vile.

I think most men do watch porn and my DH's porn use doesn't bother me BUT it is occasional. If it was multiple times a day and having an impact on our sex life and my mental health it definitely would bother me!!!

He's telling you the extent of his porn use is normal because he doesn't want to stop, he's addicted and it's easier for him to convince you to let it go than it is for him to face up to the fact that he's completely lost control. Honestly he's quite pathetic.

Please do not have surgery on your vagina over this. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with it. How sad that he has made you feel that it's something wrong with you.

Next time he tells you it's normal tell him that actually normal men prefer to shag their partner than sit at home with their dick in their hands.

Oh my gosh op. Cancel that bloody surgery, what's going to happen if it goes wrong and he then fucks off and you're left with medical issues?? Even if it goes right that won't change a thing lovely, he's a creep and a cheat and a porn addict and you could have a porn star vagina and he will still be a cheat and a porn addict.

Nothing to do with my self esteem or not but he sounds revolting, no way would I put up with this

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of role models did you see in childhood?.

You have not built a life with him, you have instead a dysfunctional mess of a relationship with him. He lies to you repeatedly about all men doing what he does, they most certainly do not. He's also not been above blaming your mental health for him carrying on as he does. You are not responsible for his actions and choices here. Your boundaries, perhaps low to begin with due to poor life experiences and or abuse, are being further battered by this man now.

Cancel the vaginal surgery today and use that money instead on getting yourself and your child away from him. Vaginal surgery won't be of any use of benefit to you here re yourself or him.

He has a porn addiction and problems with intimacy leading from that. It's not going to get any better for you or your child if you choose to remain with him.

What is there to love about such a man, are you confusing love with actually being codependent?.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself on to the Freedom programme and get therapy to determine why and how you got with such a man in the first place. All those damaging lessons you learnt about relationships need to be unlearnt.

OP, please, please don’t have vaginal surgery - use the money for something for you, like getting your ducks in a row to make your escape. Seriously, it will be costly, painful, and achieve nothing. I have absolutely no doubt that there is nothing wrong with your body - this awful man has made you doubt yourself. “Every man on the planet” doesn’t look at porn - most of them grow out of being teenage boys. I’m really sorry this man is treating you so badly, and making you feel bad about yourself.

My ex of seven years was like this. I left him six months ago and I'm with someone else now. We have a normal, frequent sex life. No violence or humiliation involved. I didn't even realise how terrible my sex life had been for the last decade until I tried it with someone else.

Thanks for all of the supportive messages, he hasn’t complained about my vagina exactly just the odd comment but the main reason is that I feel myself I am not as tight and I see the porn he watches it’s all 20 somethings with perfect vaginas. And pretty much every video title has the word “tight”. I just want to be wanted by my partner. Also it is only since pregnancy and having our son that he has stopped wanting sex and instead chooses to use porn. Prior to that we had a good sex life now suddenly he’s too tired which I get, having kids is tiring but he’s never too tired for porn so I just feel I must be the problem. And I know it’s not a weight issue, I lost all the baby weight very soon after giving birth and I am a size 6-8 anyway.

What a piece of shit he is.

Utterly revolting and he's not a good partner. Pick your self esteem up off the floor which is there because of him. You do not have to put up with this foul behaviour.
Honestly I'm raging on your behalf - he is a lowlife.

Get rid of the bloke, he’s not normal.
Keep your vagina as it is (which will be perfectly normal).

You’ll regret not leaving him.

How can you be helped into leaving this individual?. Being with him will be no life for your kids either. Do you want them growing up thinking dads behaviour is normal to them too?.

Can't you see he doesn't care about your feelings?
You told him repeatedly that his exesive porn use hurts you. Does he care? Not at all. Instead he's making you feel worse by making you feel like you're the problem.
You had a difficult pregnancy and you were very unwell. Did he care? No, not only he didn't care but he made you think you're the awful person for not wanting sex. Again - making you feel guilty rather then taking responsibility for his crap behaviour.

Can't you see the pattern?

Having a surgery will not win him back. It will be money wasted and it will backfire massively.
You will only send a message that you agree with his twisted logic and that he can push boundaries even further and disregard you even more.

You're not the problem here. Can't you understand? He's the problem and by trying to fix yourself and bending yourself into what he wants you to be you will only make him into a bigger monster. He will become more confident in his ways and abuse will escalate. Trust me when I say it - his abusive tendencies will escalate.

Stop questioning yourself and start questioning him and the whole relationship. You're allowed to have your boundaries respected and deserve to be cared for.

The only person this man cares about is his own stupid self. Not you and certainly not his children either if he treats you like this.

Not all men do it! I have never had a partner who does this!

Don't waste your money on surgery, he won't change no matter what you look like.

He was messaging women looking for sexual thrills when you were pregnant?! That is absolutely disgusting and would be the end of the relationship for me. You are not the problem here.

I was snappy and I didn’t like him going out a lot because I struggled to be on my own. And I caused arguments if he did go out. And I didn’t just not want sex. I also didn’t want to cuddle or kiss or anything. So I can understand it was difficult for him. And that is why I forgave the cheating as I feel my behaviour was wrong in pregnancy. And I have my reasons (as well as the nausea I had heart problems and had to start going to hospital for monitoring every day and I had to inject blood thinners three times a day and just felt so exhausted all the time) but I know it doesn’t excuse me treating him badly

Porn sick men don’t have sex with their wives. And when they do it’s not normal sex, it’s humiliating and degrading. Most of them can’t even get a stiffy anymore their brains are so warped. There has been countless threads on here about it.

Stop internalising his behaviour. It’s nothing to do with you whatsoever. Cancel the surgery and use your savings to get away from him.

You seem hell bent on blaming yourself for his behaviour.

You need to address your self esteem issue and maybe start taking to a therapist to unpick this behaviour. Because even if you accept his behaviour is unacceptable and abnormal and leave him, you'll be vulnerable to some other dickheads behaviour.

OP a lot of men watch porn. But not at every given opportunity and not at the expense of normal life and their relationship. They don't engage with sex workers (I assume that's what he was doing earlier than contacting "regular" women?) and they certainly don't do that when their partner is pregnant.

A father's job is to support the mother so that she can channel her energy into looking after the baby effectively. He has not supported you, he has let you down massively and I'm sorry that you have been through this.

I'd never get surgery for any man and normal men don't do porn all day he needs a good talking to or get rid there is decent guys put there Good luck

I once had a casual relationship with a porn addict. He house shared with his friend and had the smaller bedroom. It was full of porn, shelves piled high with magazines, neat piles and loads of them. A chest of drawers, at least 6 drawers, all full of videos, mostly blank ones and he'd recorded stuff onto them, (this was in 1998 in case you're wondering). He was actually proud of his collection. It wasn't a serious relationship and he dumped me after 6 months, I found he did this in most relationships, he gets bored and moves on. A PP made an interesting comment about this type of man is incapable of having a normal relationship with a woman,, yeah I see that now.

Don't you dare butcher yourself for that absolute waste of space. Dump him.

Oh my god.

I'm with every other poster here, he's horrific.

Yes, maybe you weren't at your best during pregnancy. Being tired and hormonal is entirely normal at that time. A decent man would have been supportive and understanding of the fact that you were growing his baby inside you and it takes a lot out of your body. He was the opposite. It's not ok.

I'm not as anti-porn as many here, but I would find it completely unacceptable for a partner to be using porn to the extent it was replacing our sex life.

You seem to think a lot about what you need to be giving and providing to him to be "good enough" - what about all the things he should be giving, sharing and providing to you for him to be good enough for you?

Save the money for surgery and use it for therapy to build your self esteem back up, then use the rest of it to leave his selfish, lazy, entitled, porn-addicted arse.

Dear God. I echo everyone else. This is dreadful to read. OP, he is the problem!!! Not you. Please please don't butcher yourself for some vile wanker who isn't worthy of being in the same room as you. How dare he?

No, all men do NOT use porn as a substitute for a sex life with their wife. He's vile, abusive, manipulative and doing you untold damage. Please use your savings to get away from him and rebuild your confidence. He is utterly wrong, this is not what "all men" are like (and if he was right, fine, you're better off single than with a twat like him! But he's wrong.)