Self esteem shot by partners porn use

[Mum1762]

My partner of 3 y uses porn regularly, multiple times a day typically whenever I leave the house but I’ve walked in on him doing it when I’ve been upstairs working. He says it’s normal and all men do it and I’m controlling for not liking it. I don’t have an issue with porn but it’s the extent of it and how it has now pretty much totally replaced our sex life. The fact he waits until I leave the house then immediately goes on porn makes me feel like shit given he is too tired for sex with me. I have said why can’t we watch together but he says it makes him uncomfortable yet when I was pregnant with our son he was on every chat site going trying to get women to do mutual masturbation over video call. I can’t help compare myself with these women and feel I can never match up to their perfect bodies. I have tried explaining to him how it makes me feel and how much it hurts me but he can’t stop. I’m at the point now where I’ve booked vaginal surgery privately and used all my savings to pay for it as I’m desperate to try save our relationship. I just feel so sad and down and I just hate my body so much. I know people will say just leave but it’s not easy when you’ve built a life with someone and especially because he constantly tells me all men do this so I’d only have to face the same issue if I ever got into another relationship 😣

You and your body arent the problem.

He is the problem. He is a porn addict.
He is incapable of a normal relationship with a woman.

All men don't do this. He is trying to justify his behaviour.

Things will not get any better unless he acknowledges his addiction and seeks treatment. Otherwise he will seek out more and more extreme porn to satisfy his addiction.

Why do you want to stay with a man for whom women are just sexual objects to be used, abused, violated and exploited.

You will feel much better about yourself if you end the relationship with him.

You need to end the relationship and cancel your surgery. He's addicted to porn and unless he chooses to get help, he'll continue. Do you have any support? Please confide in someone.

He's cheating with sex chat. You can't trust him.

Don't use your savings on vaginal surgery, use them to move out.

Why are you so desperate to save a relationship with a man who was video calling women for mutual masturbation while your pregnant? That is truly disgusting behaviour.

There are loads of men who don't behave like this. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

I still love him and he is otherwise a good partner. I don’t think he does it to hurt me he just physically cannot understand why I’d be hurt by it because he thinks it’s normal and something every man on this planet does. He thinks my mental health is the issue rather than the porn

Firstly not all men do it. Secondly most men don't do it as much as him. It has ruined his libido and affecting your relationship. The fact he doesn't reduce it/stop it despite it affecting you shows he is selfish and definitely not worth staying with. Someone that keeps doing something that upsets their partner is not worth wasting precious years on.

It might be hard but 3 years is nothing in the grand scheme of live and (assuming you are relatively young) you could be together 30 plus years with him. No good sex life. No respect and made to feel bad about yourself.

DH never watches porn, he has worked with trafficked people and can't bear the thought that he might be driving sex traffickers.
.

He is not a good partner. Your bar must be very low. He is repeatedly doing something that he knows hurts you. Good partners would never do that.

He's gaslighting you into believing that this is normal behaviour and it's your mental health. It's not normal behaviour. He's got a porn addiction.

He says I was horrible to him during pregnancy because I was moody and for the first trimester I was so sick I didn’t want any physical touch so I couldn’t bare physical affection at all. Smells set off my nausea I couldn’t even bare the smell of my older son.

Your mental health is poor because of the effect his porn addiction is having on you!

He is blaming you and trying to justify his behaviour.

How can he be a good partner if he makes you feel worthless?

How can he be a good partner if he is obsessed with getting sexual gratification from other women?

What is there to love about a man who is willing to destroy your mental health in the way he is doing?

He sounds awful , but sadly you are not going to be able to change him .
If he's doing it multiple times a day , he's an addict .
Please don't get vaginal surgery for his benefit , it won't change his porn habits , and won't make you feel any better either .
Leaving him would change your life .
In a few months you would feel better about yourself 100% .

It is 100% not normal. I’ve rarely heard such an utterly vile thing. Disgusting. And more disgusting is how he treats you. Do not bring up your poor children with this man. He is not a good person, OP. You just don’t think you deserve better.

Lots of women experience nausea and are moody during pregnancy. It's not a reason for your partner to be online trying to persuade women to masturbate with him. He was cheating on you.

You say he's otherwise a good partner but why are you considering vaginal surgery? Has he criticised you for being different after childbirth?

He has no respect for your feelings. He's gaslighting you. Contacting other women for secual acts, no wonder your self-esteem is rock bottom. Don't have the unnecessary surgery. The problem is his porn addiction not your body. Use your savings to get away from him. Start a new life without him and your self-worth and happiness will vastly improve. Best wishes xx

He is not good partner. Please reconsider the surgery. It’s not going to make any difference. You could have complications arising from it so why do something that’s not necessary.

The problem is him and you can’t do anything about him other than leave and have a better life without him.

He’s not being respectful of you is he? He is using porn and chat sites that is not respecting you. He is blaming your mental health that is not respecting you.

What does he do to show that he cares about you and respects you?

Please, please dont go through with the vaginal surgery. What he's doing is absolutely not normal and he's gaslighting you into thinking it is. His behaviour during your pregnancy, and the way he tried to make out it was all your fault (as though you were nauseous on purpose!) sickens me. You really, really don't have to put up with this. He is not a good partner at all.

'all men do it'
They are the words of a manipulative/gaslighting misogynist

No one man answers on behalf of all men. I had an ex bf 20 years ago who said ' all men stray from their women, it's in their blood and you can't change that'

My exh used to say 'all men deserve a drink after a hard day's work'. He has an alcohol issue he refuses to acknowledge

It doesn't matter what the topic is. Anyone who uses the phrase 'all men do x' as a defence for seriously questionable behavior is someone you should never ever align your life with because they are for all purposes a man who 'does what a MAN does' and therefore anything YOU say is stupid and insignificant and you questioning it is just questioning him as a man. How dare you.

Have more love for yourself. Look at your post and look at how he's making your feel about you. NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS! YES, YOU SHOULD LEAVE! Before you raise kids with this attitude of 'all men do this'.

Firstly, I’m really sorry you are going through this OP, it is really shitty behaviour of him.

I’m by no means anti-porn, and I’ll often chime in when a partner says they don’t want there DP watching it, but when it is excessive, like in your scenario and replaces real life intimacy then it becomes a real issue.

most men watch porn, not all , but the vast majority. However, watching porn as frequently as your DP is not normal, and even daily in a healthy relationship is unusual.

He is gas lighting you and it appears quite coercive behaviour from him.

As a 40 year old man, I can honestly say I would never ever replace porn with real sex. Not in a million years. If he is willing to do that, then the problem absolutely is not you, it’s him.

This might be a first for me but….

LTB!

Cancel your surgery. This will not fix his vile addiction, or your relationship.

He either takes steps to recognise he is the one with the problem and he needs to solve it, or you leave. Using your pregnancy as an excuse to cheat is horrific.

He's lying to you, not all men are like this - most are not. He is not a loving partner to you, he is making you feel like shit and he doesn't care - he is gaslighting you by saying you are the problem, not him.

Please don't spend money on vaginal surgery - you don't need it, there is nothing wrong with your body.

You will never be happy in this relationship. You need to leave. Your partner does not love and respect you. You deserve better OP. Please think seriously about whether this is what you want for the rest of your life?

Write down a list of all the things he says are normal - excessive porn use, live chat room use and any other behaviours or “beliefs” that make you feel uncomfortable. And write next to them your views and knowledge on each one - that they aren’t normal and they make you feel terrible and they undermine your relationship.

The things he is saying to you aren’t your value system. He treats you badly and shows you a total lack of respect - these are just his excuses for doing so.

If it’s possible to take back any of your savings for this upcoming op, do it now. And definitely don’t go through with it. All surgery carries major risks, this is money you will need in the future for much better reasons and it won’t change anything between you.

It makes me feel nauseous just to think that his bad behaviour has convinced you - who have done nothing wrong and whom he claims to want to be with - that you need to change not just your values but your body for him.

Booked vaginal surgery? My word. This is so upsetting to read. Cancel the surgery and consider your options of living alone. Nobody deserves this. You are more than enough, you don't have to put up with this!

Oh wow please do not have the vaginal surgery! 😳😳😳😳😳

He’s a porn addict. He’s not going to change but it’s not anything to do with you or your body.

You aren’t compelled to agree with him. You can say I think you are either wrong or lying. If he genuinely believed it, he wouldn’t have a problem discussing it among friends. But he wouldn’t want you to actually put it out there. He expects you to keep it secret - because he knows.

Even if he doesn’t do it to hurt you, he is hurting you, and the relationship, and you are allowed to take action on that - even if it upsets him (you wouldn’t mean to hurt him if you walked away, so by his rules, that would be fine, right?).

Your mental health will dramatically improve. If you step out of the sewer of his life being centered on his cock.

A shiny new vagina will not stop him wanking off to porn in the same way that handing a bottle of Shloer to an alcoholic will not stop him hitting the Carlsberg Special. The problem is not you. It’s your cheating, gaslighting, negging twat of a boyfriend. He’s treating you very badly and you should dump him and his death grip penis as far away from you and your child as possible.

… and all men totally do not do this. My ex was a complete shit to me, and even he would look on this aghast and absolutely beyond the pale.