Husband has said he wants me to die, I have been diagnosed with cancer

[Paperbear]

My husband has a very very vicious tongue. He has it in all aspects of life and other family members on his side have it too.
I accepted this side of his years ago and made a joke of it to family and friends over the years because he has no filter but I've now been diagnosed with cancer and he has said alot of horrible things over the last few weeks. I do think our marriage is over as I think it has crossed a line.

The trouble is I've been a stay at home mum to our youngest for the last 4 years before school as we decided I should do that instead of work.

This has left me very vulnerable as I don't have an income and my circle of friends closed up especially around covid and shortly after and I was relying on my husband to help me with chemotherapy appointment and sorting th children out together. I have 6 months of treatment ahead and I'm just crying constantly because I don't feel any door is open for me right now. Any advice would be appreciated.

Where are your family op? Any friends you can reach out to? So sorry this is happening.

Oh gosh I'm so sorry. When I was going through treatment I really didn't have tolerance for anything else. What a bastard.

What is your prognosis? I'd start making plans for after it's finished.

Oh my gosh, how awful!! Do you think it’s possible he’s doing it as a (horrible so I’m not justifying it at all) reaction to your diagnosis and a weird way to cope with grief? If so, counselling might help you if you’re open to that?

If not, I would say move in with family if you can or get rid of him from the family home and focus on you. You’ll need all the strength you can get to overcome the next 6 months and anyone who sucks your strength has no place in your life.

What a bastard.

Im not sure if this is something macmillan could help with?

That’s evil OP. I’m so sorry.

I have heard other stories of disgusting emotional abuse and awful behaviour in this kind of scenario. It's the last thing anybody expects, doesn't really seem to make sense, and I can sense from your post that you're in a very lonely place. But you are not the first person whose husband has disappointed them in their hour of need, unfortunately. It's not much comfort I know, but it's about his weakness and not a reflection of you in any way. I hope you can find other sources of support and put as much distance as possible between the two of you.

I cannot believe what I have just read. That's wicked. I'm so very sorry. I don't know what to advise other than perhaps try and take things a day at a time. Let anyone know who might offer some support.

You deserve so so much better at this time.

I'm so sorry OP. What a shit he is.

It's the same theme as men who ramp up any abuse during pregnancy. They can sense the vulnerability.

In most cases I'd say just leave but I totally understand why that would be extra difficult for you now.

Is there any chance of physical violence or is it 'just' his vicious tongue?

Where do you live op? I'll come help you xx

Absolutely wicked. Sending you much love.

I'm so sorry.

Find the local.cancer support. Ask your nurses, there's usually a few local based cancer support teams who will hear you, help you. Alot offer therapies and things like reflexology - accept it all.

Please ask for help as it's a lonely time doing treatment and extra hard if you have to live with this dickhead.

I could not just not reply. I am so sorry, OP. Can any family members come and stay with you? Could you call Womens Aid?

Having a vicious tongue is one thing - its awful, but wishing your sick wife would die? Sounds like he has crossed the line many many times, but I could hardly bear to look at someone who behaved like this.

Sending you every good wish OP
This is a time to focus on you & getting through the treatment.

Your husband sounds like a despicable person, I hope you can get appropriate support through your treatment & beyond.

@Paperbear what an utter shitbag he is!! you need to concentrate on yourself for now. can you get support from your own family or friends? the nurses in the cancer unit have seen this many times, and it is always the men who cannot handle the reponsibility of being with an ill person. they will also arrange help with your children if he decides to up and off. what age are you and the ages of your kids?

That's evil of him. Hopefully after chemo, you will start to feel more human and be able to think about what you want to do. Its survival mode now. Do look out for any support groups. You need someone to vent to.
Just take it one day at a time. Good luck.

Yes evil was my thinking as wrll

I am so sorry OP. Sending best wishes and strength x

You sound like you’re so alone but tomorrow call McMillan or call one of the other helplines and just talk to someone in the first instance. put yourself first. You must have a special nurse at the hospital. Send them an email and talk to them and see what support they can offer you. McMillan also give small grants to those in need apply for one and treat yourself to something. Your husband, what can we say? You’ve been with him a long time this probably isn’t the time for leaving is it? It’s messed up what he’s doing but that’s what he’s always done. Try your hardest not to think about six months ahead think about tomorrow and what you’re going to do tomorrow. You can deal with this because you are dealing with this.

So sorry to hear your partner is being emotionally abusive to you while you are so vulnerable physically and financially.. I would speak to women’s aid if it gets worse for some advice and support. Otherwise please reach out to any friends and family and let them know what is happening. Bring his horrible behaviour out of the shade.

Do you have family you can go and live with who can support you and the DC through this?

I knew someone whose husband behaved in a similar way when she received her diagnosis and was ill and needed care, it won’t get better and you need someone who will care for you and give you their unconditional support at this time.

This sounds like abuse, OP. I am so sorry you are going through this at your most vulnerable time - it actually breaks my heart to read this. I’d love to come and help you and offer you some support.

Do you have any other family members, or friends - even some you may be able to reconnect with? Failing this, pls reach out to services like your GP, Women’s Aid, MacMillan, Mind. Are there any local cancer support groups nr you?

He’s pure evil. Try MacMillan tomorrow; they’ll either help themselves or point you in the right direction. I’m so sorry you’ve got this shitbag dragging you down while you’re being so brave for your family x

What an unspeakable cunt.

I’m really worried about you OP especially due to lack of support.

Remember Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123 or email [email protected]. You don’t have to be suicidal to call them- they receive lots of calls from people in difficult situations like yours. They’re very good for getting things off your chest, so if you want to discuss your options and what’s going on they’re very good for that.

Do you have a McMillan nurse you could tell about the situation? They’re genuinely really good at seeing the whole person and identifying your needs.

keep posting here- the MN hive mind is great for suggestions. Sending love

I am aghast.
Please do everything you can to find other support that is, you know, actually supportive.
Contact McMillan, they may be able to help you work out benefit entitlements etc. Local cancer support groups - have a Google, ask you GP, the nurses where you are being treated.
Reach out to family and old friends, even if you haven't been in touch for a long time.
And please also do your homework to find out what your options are for leaving. Information is power. Get a free initial consultation with a solicitor, call Woman's Aid.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help/domestic-abuse