Husband has said he wants me to die, I have been diagnosed with cancer

[Paperbear]

My husband has a very very vicious tongue. He has it in all aspects of life and other family members on his side have it too.
I accepted this side of his years ago and made a joke of it to family and friends over the years because he has no filter but I've now been diagnosed with cancer and he has said alot of horrible things over the last few weeks. I do think our marriage is over as I think it has crossed a line.

The trouble is I've been a stay at home mum to our youngest for the last 4 years before school as we decided I should do that instead of work.

This has left me very vulnerable as I don't have an income and my circle of friends closed up especially around covid and shortly after and I was relying on my husband to help me with chemotherapy appointment and sorting th children out together. I have 6 months of treatment ahead and I'm just crying constantly because I don't feel any door is open for me right now. Any advice would be appreciated.

♥️ xx

There's a supportive thread for people going through cancer treatment on the cancer board.

Evil bastard. Getting away from him would be one go fundme I'd actually donate to.

I'm really sorry, OP.

Couldn’t not reply OP.

firstly, I’m sorry about your diagnosis. That is a shock and you need nothing but love and support right now.

This is horrific.
Perhaps you’ve always known he was a complete arsehole but he has sunk to a new low, and it is just unforgivable.
sadly, I suspect it is not uncommon at all for awful men to show their true colours in situations like this.

I think you need two lots of support. Call macmillan but also call women’s aid.

Can I ask how old you are and how old your children are?

The abusive lazy bastard is scared hes going to have to step up and doesnt want to so is taking it out on you

Tell him a lady on mumsnet hopes he has an agonizing death and i will come and laugh at his funeral,truly a horrid man

I don't suppose this is the only way he has abused you. I'd bet money on the fact that he's the reason you've lost contact with your friends.

Please contact Women's Aid for support.

Your husband is abusing you and you need to notify your health care providers. He said he wants you to die and he could interfere with your access to care, pain relief, and other things. I would take that as a threat.

Just to add that I reckon even if you don’t know them very well, the school mums would pull together and support getting the kids to school and back and some after school childcare in this situation.

I know ours would 💐

I'm so sorry @Paperbear 💗

I’m sorry OP, what a time for his true colours to really shine though - though it sounds like they were sneaking in for years. Just in case you’re tempted to think this is in some way on you, please don’t. It’s horrific, but I’ve heard of a lot of instances like this in partnerships when the women are unwell, particularly from MIL who has a worrying list of women who have dealt with this same crap when fighting and recovering from illness. I don’t have any useful advice but I desperately want you to know that some men are just this self centred and it’s not you. You’re not alone. We’re all here for you.

He sounds like a jerk.

How awful. I’m so sorry 😔
if it’s any consolation I don’t think you are alone, according to a 2017 study by the American Cancer Society, approximately 1 in 3 men have left their wives or partner after the wife has been diagnosed with cancer or a serious illness. It’s terrible isn’t it.

Oh OP he is abusive! I would come & help you OP if you are in the West Mids?

Shame we don’t have Mumsnet Communities that we could rally round and help you. X

Marie Currie might be able to support you

Absolute cunt of a man. I'm sorry op but if anything use this as a way to fight and not give him what he wants. All the while start to plan ur lucky escape from this utter asshole. Tell ur pals, family etc what he said and what you are planning once u figure it out. Honestly, time to think about yourself!!!!
You will prob find your friends and family will be high-fiving you when there hear this, as they prob had his true colours marked a long time ago.!
But, you must put your health above it all. Use him as much as u can, don't let him shirk from any duties. It's his house and kids to look after too. Don't think about jobs or that just now just think of you and what your life will be like in day a year away from this, way way better than it is now.
I'm sorry you had to hear what he said but use it as a revenge tactic to say fuck u!!!!
And tell everyone!!!!! No one will tolerate him after this. You will get lots of support. Just be brave, you absolutely have GOT THIS!!!

I’m also undergoing cancer treatment, their will be cancer counselling available, access it and they will help with this aspect of your problem as well.

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis OP💐

Do you feel comfortable telling us which region/county you are in? There may be lots of MN’ers on here that will know local charities and support services.

In my region, we have a charity called FireFly that offers free transport/taxi services for people with cancer to get to appointments etc.

There is lots of support available and sometimes it’s just knowing where to look. I’ve had family members go through chemo and it’s horrendous. I’d 100% volunteer to help and support you if you’re near me (South Yorkshire).

As for you husbands sinister comments- to me, this would be unforgivable. He sounds like a sociopath and I wouldn’t want myself or a child to have any contact with him.

I know it’s easier said than done, when everyone will say “leave the bastard”. Especially if you’re a SAHM with added pressures of being poorly and having cancer treatment. You’re correct, you’re at your most vulnerable which makes what he’s said even more so disgusting.

What other support network do you have? Do you have any local family members or close friends? If so, please please please confide in them and try and make a plan to leave/divorce.

If not, please speak to your designated nurse, MacMillan team and Women’s Aid.

Please don’t accept his behaviour any longer. It’s abusive. You deserve better.

Oh dear OP I am so sorry to read about this, and have immediately said prayers on your behalf. In hope the advice from other mumsnetters is helping you,

That is appalling OP, I am so sorry. Do you have any family? I can only agree with posters who have suggested speaking with the MacMillan Nurses and Women's Aid . I hope your prognosis is good OP and that you will find a way to support yourself and your DC without him .

I just wanted to send you love and strength. As suggested by PP get in touch with cancer charities in your area for support also reach out to your old friends they will probably be so happy to support you to get away from that shit. What an absolute prick.

How awful! He should be utterly ashamed. I don't know how to advise you but I would be putting myself first, my children second and him out of my life.

I hope your treatment goes well and you get over this very tough time.

What a total bastard. Given what you've said on here about feeling vulnerable. I'd be tempted to use this situation for what it is. I'd get your chemo sorted, use the fact he's around for childcare & to support you financially, but make up your mind he's on borrowed time & get ready to make a break once you're stronger. Very best of luck to you. I wish you a happy future.

Oh that is absolutely awful.

First off call Womens aid asap and tell them.
Then tell your medical team the full truth.
You are very vulnerable and that man is a nasty, vile, abusive pig that wishes you harm.
I think you need to tell them in detail just how awful he is.
Spare them nothing.
I am so sorry.

I'd have recorded him & then put it on social media tagging his friends & family. He might as well find out what the consequences of having a viscious tongue & wicked heart are now.

Go and see a solicitor and get your will done and leave everything including your half of the house (if you have one) to your children. State very clearly in your will that you are doing this to protect your children because you are being verbally & emotionally abused by your husband. Tell the solicitor that your dh wishes you dead and they might be able to put additional protections in for you. Don't delay this.