Husband has said he wants me to die, I have been diagnosed with cancer

[Paperbear]

My husband has a very very vicious tongue. He has it in all aspects of life and other family members on his side have it too.
I accepted this side of his years ago and made a joke of it to family and friends over the years because he has no filter but I've now been diagnosed with cancer and he has said alot of horrible things over the last few weeks. I do think our marriage is over as I think it has crossed a line.

The trouble is I've been a stay at home mum to our youngest for the last 4 years before school as we decided I should do that instead of work.

This has left me very vulnerable as I don't have an income and my circle of friends closed up especially around covid and shortly after and I was relying on my husband to help me with chemotherapy appointment and sorting th children out together. I have 6 months of treatment ahead and I'm just crying constantly because I don't feel any door is open for me right now. Any advice would be appreciated.

Get through your treatment then get your ducks in a row and leave. You deserve better. Good luck with your treatment. Please do join macmillan, a wealth of information on there chat forum and website.

Sending you love and virtual hugs

If joint tenants can leave house to anybody else, automatically transfers to spouse.

I meant cant' (not can)

I am so, so sorry.

Abusing a cancer patient is the lowest of the low.

Get through your treatment, recover, and then LTB. And in the meantime, if you have others who will help you, take advantage of that.

This too will pass.

I think calling Macmillan is a great start. They were extremely helpful when I was caring for a family member with terminal cancer.

Me too.

@Paperbear this really isn’t acceptable my dear, please get some support from MacMillan nurses, they can help you too

im so sorry you’re going through this (((hug)))

I'm so sorry have cancer and are having to cope with this stress.

That would be it for me, OP. Could you at least look into what would happen financially? It would be worth speaking to a solicitor (without telling him, if possible) to find out what would happen about money.

I wish you all the very best with your treatment.

This is terrible but you have loads of support on this forum. Are you able to tell us the general area where you are so we can signpost you?

Please let Macmillan know. You can't reply on him for support so you need to prioritise your health and interests.

Please keep reaching out on here.

You're never alone on MN.

OP I’m really so sorry you are in this situation. It is NOT ever ok to say to anyone you hope they die. Let alone your spouse and children’s Mum. You really don’t deserve this.
It’s great being a SAHM but not at any cost. Lots say ‘we’ decided but really… often it’s the woman more and then they give up so so much & try and move mountains to make it work but on a hiding to nothing.
This is your wake up call. Stay with your closest friend or relative and leave this man.

This

Hi OP, man here (not that it really matters) you have lots of good advice from other posters. What your DH has said is, as others have said, very cruel and unacceptable, wicked as others have said.

However, and I mean this not to support him in any way, but he will likely have been blindsided by this too, and unfortunately, some people with personality disorders (often not diagnosed) cannot find empathy with illness and find sick people a nuisance to them.

but, and I know, having just got out of a relationship with a narcissist - they cannot be helped, and can turn very nasty when things don't go their way.

All the very best with your treatment.

Is there nowhere else you can go and stay so you can at least rest peacefully while you are undergoing treatment? Cancer treatment is bad enough without having to go through it living with an utter arsehole.
Once your treatment is over you need employment, and your own place to live. Ideally now, but of course it's not the time to be thinking about that yet.

Despicable bastard.

Either partner can unilaterally, without the consent of the other change Joint Beneficial Tenants to Tenants in Common, solicitor can sort it, very easy move.

Then it can be left to whoever, best put in a life interest for the children with a solicitor as trustee until they all reach adulthood.

Me three. I'm in Scotland, Ayrshire. Please send a message if you need a friend. Nobody should be going through this alone

Can you see if there s a social worker linked with your medical team and speak to them about the verbal financial and emotional abuse you are suffering at the hand and tongue of your H

Hi op i dont know what to say as im having a cancer scare myself i dont know if i have it or not yet.
And wont know nothing untill after the 11th of next month.
Im in limbo and im scared.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp the solicitor can apply to land registry to have it changed from joint to tenants in common. Then the op can leave everything of hers to her children in her will including pension, life insurance, savings & other assets. This is what @Paperbear should do, ensure that her dc are protected and the dh gets nothing.

This is what I've done so my dd's inheritance is protected if either dh or I remarry after divorce or a death of the other spouse.

I'm so sorry. Wishing you all the best and successful treatment.

I know what you mean about family and friends. I'm on my own and this is one of my worst fears. I can't see family & friends helping, and they are all too busy working full time as no one is of retirement age yet. My parents are dead too.

Where in the country are you? We might be able to point you towards local services that can offer some support, both emotionally and with childcare during appointments etc.

This is appalling!! Is there anyone in your family you feel close enough to be able to open up to? If not, could you try macmillan, or women’s aid? You do not need to be feeling like this whilst undergoing chemo, you need love and support and your husband is not giving you that. Please put yourself first and get rid of him! You do not need a man that wishes you would die, he’s a piece of shit.

I'm here to hold your hand 🌺🌺🌺

Whereabouts are you, so we can offer links to services that might help

I'm lost for words!

Aside from friends and family, please speak with MacMillan for advice!

Jesus christ what an utter, utter bastard. What a thing to say. Lots of good signposting to help on this thread, please look into them.

OP, do you trust him to make healthcare decisions in your best interests and following your wishes if you are incapacitated?

This is one reason I said earlier to tell your health care providers what he's saying. You might want to appoint someone else as the person to make health care decisions for you if that happens. Please be open with them. You are extremely vulnerable right now.