Partner depressed about money - should I use my savings

[Lara35]

Long story short ish
two kids and been together many years

partner never been a saver so after bills etc not much left from wages. He has No savings .
I am now housewife used to work and saved when younger I have around 12k in savings which I had locked away but now can access.
I offered to buy him an expensive coat he likes as he needs a decent coat I said it would be a gift but he said no and he feels like a failure if I buy him stuff.
He’s been depressed for around a year and on pills . I offered to pay the council tax bill in full to help but he’s reluctant also I could some of my savings over the next few months as a lot of due car insurance, mot, service , all bills etc

should I use my savings to pay all these things ? Should I buy him the coat ?
i don’t mind using my savings but unsure as he never learns to budget well or put money aside each month and he says he feels like a failure if I pay , now we have this massive bills coming in which will total around £4K - 4.5 k ( coucil tax, car tax / insurance, service , mot & other bills )

I am a person who likes to pay stuff off annually to get the best price , he likes monthly as only way he can afford it .

He can’t afford to keep a housekeeper ( housewife). You need to get a job- could be evenings or weekends, etc.
Also, with not being married you have no protection if he were to leave you so try to keep your savings.

I think the coat is a red herring and I wouldn't buy it for him. On such a low income though it is unsurprising he is struggling so maybe a discussion over the budget and how it is split would be sensible. If you are sitting on £12k savings and he is struggling to meet monthly bills it makes sense to use some towards household costs. Long term though you may need to work. Do you get DLA for your child?

Sorry OP but this is an exasperating read.

If nothing changes, nothing will change. He can't keep saying no, and hanging onto some ego trip of 'being the provider' because bluntly, he's not providing enough. He can't afford a coat for goodness sake.

Forget the savings, you need to maintain some financial independence. But as a unit, you need additional income. He needs a better job or you need to work. Evenings & weekend work would allow him to care for the kids. Less financial pressure may improve his mental health.

Get him a coat. You can get some warm waterproof coats which don't cost the earth.

If your partner was old fashioned and wants you dependent on him then why aren't you married? What about your pension arrangements? Do you own a house together?

Ideally you need to bring in some money. Once you spend the savings it’s gone, then what when you have another big bill he can’t afford and no savings to fall back on?

I've been a sahm with a DH who was on a similar wage but that was 4-6 years ago and there is a big difference in the cost of living now.

I work in retail and mostly work within school hours or the odd weekend day. Its a juggle but definitely worth it. We get a small amount on UC too, but I have a DC on DLA that makes us qualify. Your DP needs to swallow his pride and accept that you need to work.

I can't imagine he has much money to spare on that wage so no wonder he's feeling the pressure, but keep the savings.

You're an unmarried SAHM, you need your savings, you're in a vulnerable position and ar presumably sacrificing your pension. I think you do need to go back to work though, your partner doesn't get to say no.

Can you sit down together and go through your income & bills see if there is anything you can save / cut down ?

Being a sahm or housewife is a luxury, your household income is not high enough for that.

You need a job, could be supermarket or restaurant on a weekend or evening or something that needs a few hours if childcare. You will be infinitely better off.

I don't think he has a chance to be poor with money because there really is very little.

Wotk with him on a proper budget. Demonstrate that there is not enough coming in for your family to have a comfortable life. Part time work is very normal when you have kids and puts you in a better position if you have to support yourself in the furure.

Does he have life insurance?
Does he have a pension which will support you both when you are older?
Is the house equally yours if you split?

Using your savings will fix things in the short term.

Long term you need a budget that ensures all of the bills are covered and this may involve you getting paid work.

Does his income currently cover the bills? If not, that's why he's finding it tough.

Seeing as you don't work you have got the time to be in charge of finances, to budget, to look for best deals and to save. That £1000 when they're older is good but not much when you could go back to work and slowly top it up.
I think not working is really risky, you need to build up your sayings. Do you rent?

You should have full sight and control of all income and bills.

He doesn't want the coat, don't buy it.

It's not up to him whether you work. Look for a small job at least.

Write a budget so you both understand the situation.

Preserve your savings in your name.

Get a diagnosis for your child.

Get medical help for his depression.

The two of you need to budget together. It’s not his budgeting that is failing. If you are a one wage household then everything is pooled and the two of you work as a team to manage the incoming and outgoing money.

you need to sit down and work out a sustainable budget. Do not use your savings as a slow trickle patch for overspending. If you are facing debt and high interest rates, then using a portion of your savings to reset your financial situation may be a wise decision. That will only work if you have a real budget worked up that prevents the problem from
reoccurring. You also should not give up your entire safety net.

even if your child has additional meds, you may not be able to stay home. The two of you may need to work opposite shifts to keep the family solvent.

When money is tight, he doesn’t need an expensive coat. Being a SAHM is fine, if the family can afford it. Yours can’t. Or you can, but have to live very frugally, and expensive coats don’t fit into that. He needs to look for a better paid job, and you need to get a job. You don’t necessarily have to limit yourself to school hours if there is wrap around care and local childminders. You need to consider you’re a SAHM, and unmarried which puts you in a vulnerable position.

I understand being good with money but we can all do something about it.
Hold off using your savings for anything. If he's depressed he needs to change the situation, not go part time. Not having money is making him feel down, so the solution isn't to have less.
Change payments to monthly.
He needs to find another job where he will be more happy. He needs to push himself to do this, otherwise you can look for jobs for him and help him.
Start putting money in a locked box or something, to pay off family. It is not okay to leave them without their payment back.
You can do this. I don't know why the solution is you going back to work. Yes, you can, but he still won't be contributing as he should or paying back, so he needs to sort this out.
He just needs encouragement and it will be okay.

You can split council tax payments over a year. Moët people pay it that way. You can also do the same with other payments such as insurance. That will help you to set up a monthly budget.

don’t buy the coat.

suggest selling some of the games through somewhere like CEX, they have shops on high streets or online.

Once you dip into your savings they’ll go down very quickly at a time you’re not paying into them.

Will having your child a formal diagnosis increase your allowances? If so, I would use savings for a private diagnosis.

1. He needs to get a better paid job.
2. You need to pool your money together.
3. Pay essentials. Rent, tax, utilities.
4. Get rid of non essentials.
5. No more squandering money on games (he isn't a child)
6. Get a job

I don't know why you're not working. You shouldn't be on UC if you've got two kids at school and are able bodied...

I don’t get this. You are meant to be a team working together for the good of your family. I know you’re not married but you are acting like you are.

No wonder he is depressed if he is doing all the working and paying all the bills, when you are sitting on 12k! How is that fair? Just think if it was the other way round, how would you feel?

You need to work out together how you pay the bills and how much to put in joint savings. You can still have separate accounts but need to work as a team as you are one familY.

This. And find yourself a part time job. You need more money coming it, plus it keeps your skills current and protects you in the future..

If he can spend on games consoles, he can afford his own coat.

For your child’s diagnosis, look into right to choose. This is much quicker than the nhs waiting list, you go through a private assessment with a provider that you choose yourself from a list but the nhs fund it. You could have a diagnosis within a few months if you haven’t already.

He doesn't get to insist on you working or not and it shouldn't add to his depression for him not to be the old fashioned provider. Those days are long gone. Few can afford not to have two incomes coming in and it has FA to do with his manliness. As others have said, he's not been remotely traditional in other ways and you should work for your financial independence and many other good reasons especially as your DC are in school. Life is expensive right now and it's madness to have this financial set up. Forget about one off coat treat sticking plaster and fix the bigger issues. And don't let him overrule you like he's in charge.

This is madness. You have to go back to work full time asap. Why are you even thinking about coats.