Partner depressed about money - should I use my savings

[Lara35]

Long story short ish
two kids and been together many years

partner never been a saver so after bills etc not much left from wages. He has No savings .
I am now housewife used to work and saved when younger I have around 12k in savings which I had locked away but now can access.
I offered to buy him an expensive coat he likes as he needs a decent coat I said it would be a gift but he said no and he feels like a failure if I buy him stuff.
He’s been depressed for around a year and on pills . I offered to pay the council tax bill in full to help but he’s reluctant also I could some of my savings over the next few months as a lot of due car insurance, mot, service , all bills etc

should I use my savings to pay all these things ? Should I buy him the coat ?
i don’t mind using my savings but unsure as he never learns to budget well or put money aside each month and he says he feels like a failure if I pay , now we have this massive bills coming in which will total around £4K - 4.5 k ( coucil tax, car tax / insurance, service , mot & other bills )

I am a person who likes to pay stuff off annually to get the best price , he likes monthly as only way he can afford it .

I have offered to work before and he’s said no , maybe I’ll be more insistent this time and just apply for part time jobs around school hours .
yes sadly he is not very responsible with money and any spare cash in the past has gone on games consoles and games etc .
He has had money off family members in the past and obviously unable to pay them back. I already have put 1k aside for each child in a locked account when they turn 18 so they have something when older.
should I buy him the coat too. He is down the last week about it but says he will feel like a failure if I buy him it .

I think it depends on if all of his wages are covering the bills and he has nothing left, or whether he has some left and is just wasting it and can't manage his money to be honest.

He doesn't want the coat so don't buy it.

He doesn't want you to work. That's the one to disagree with. You do know you don't actually need his permission to work, right?

I give him the uc to pay the rent . I agree we need more income so will look for jobs

TBH I’m amazed uc Havnt told you to find a job as have school aged children so should be working esp if your child hasn’t been diagnosed

Regardless of that - you need to work as you can’t afford to live on partners wages

do not spend all your savings on monthly stuff

if you /he can’t save then you pay monthly for stuff and pay the extra % which isn’t lots

How much have you paid into your pension? You are not married. You are not working. Is the house in his name or joint names? I'd keep your savings because you are in a financially vulnerable position. If you ever separate you've taken the hit on your career, income, pension ect. You'll need the money to help you reestablish yourself.

I don’t understand why the person who has the least financial skills is making all the financial decisions.
When I was married, back in the last century, my husband was similar. Every bill was a disaster. He would never tell me what he earned or what he spent it on, he gave me £45 a week and no questions asked. It’s not a good way to live.
But it’s all tied up with control, shame and fear I think.
You have a more proactive mindset so you need to find a way to communicate with him so he sees the value of controlling the money instead of letting the lack of money control him.

Maybe he earns more than the Administrative Earnings Threshold.

This. As long as one of the couple is reaching the AET they rarely push the other to work. Different story for lone parents though !

Talk to him about money.
A serious grown up conversation.

Keep the savings. Work.

Surely you should both work on the monthly budget? Get a joint account where essential bills come from. Each of you should have someone to spend if there is anything left over.

However the family income is way too low for a SAHM and 2 children and running a car, so of course money will be a stressful. I couldn't manage on that income and have insurance and MOT costs. Are you below UK average wage?

Usually one person in a relationship is better with money so if that's you, why not take charge of budget and work out annual bills.

However I think spending isn't as much of an issue as the family income, which is too low so you need to get a job.
If one adult in the house needs a coat, in winter, buy it! Perhaps not an expensive coat, just one that will keep him warm and last for a few years.

If a woman posted saying she needed a coat and due to low income couldn't afford one, but that her husband had savings, it would be classed as financial abuse.

no, the coat is part of the problem. why are you both fixating on that instead of the £4k in bills you have coming up? how are you going to pay them when they roll around next time, or another problem comes up that requires money?

what caused his depression?

Thanks everyone for your replies .
yes I don’t know why he doesn’t like the idea of me working I’ll definitely push on and do it though . Yes uc don’t bother us as he earned above the aet which I think is 1500.

I will start looking this week for a part time job and hope something comes up quickly. I will most likely pay the council tax for the upcoming year and put some towards the bills but not pay the whole amount as he would not like that . I think he’s a bit old fashioned and wants to provide for us and I be a housewife , which just isn’t working out

another one of these old fashioned men who wants a wife at home but cannot afford it… and didn't marry her before having children. So old fashioned. 🙄

Your UC payment will be/should have a reduction on it because you have savings over 6K.

They will be expecting you to use some of the savings monthly. If you aren't I'm not surprised of things are quite tight.

I think it's a bit unfair to say he's bad with money when he doesn't have a lot.

How were you able to save op?

If he wants a 'housewife' he needs to be sure he can afford it. And he hasn't married you, so that's not what you are. Get some security for yourself and get back to work. No, don't buy him an expensive coat.

If you start dipping in to your savings it will be hard to stop. A PT job would be better to preserve your savings.

Don’t use your savings! Women on here are always obsessed with pooling money but I suspect it’s because they benefit more from that situation. I would help my partner out a little if he needs it but have been in your situation and he has now learnt to manage money better and save a little, even on a low income. I would never pool my savings because I have struggled for work over the years and he has a secure job. You have rightly been sensible and protected yourself financially and you are vulnerable because of the work situation. You could aim to work maybe 12 hours a week? Most supermarkets offer 4 hour shifts which can work well around school hours.

Dinner lady or school kitchen assistant .both finish before school pick up time

Seems very wrong. I have to earn the mini floor - dd is at school as 7. Single parent and yes if I don’t earn it if a slow month as se /on holiday they get arsey

yet happy to give uc to a couple where the 2nd adult could work but doesn’t

If you'd be interested in something like TA or LSA in a school, those jobs are usually school hours and sometimes a bit more flexible (especially in big secondary schools). You could start as a midday supervisor maybe. I did that and now have another school job. My primary age dcs have both been referred by school to CAMHS for ASD and although they'd probably be OK in wrap around care everyday, I think it's better for them not to be, as they can get overwhelmed with long days at school and breakfast and ASC. Also it really helps having the school holidays off. For dh too as he just needs to book what he wants/what he is allowed to through work.

Pay isn't good, but it's a lot better than zero! Kids don't even notice or know where I am as I can do drop off and pick up every day

Bills - yes
Coat - no

Doesn't need to be during the day. You have a partner who can parent the children after work a couple of evenings a week and you can work. Or even a couple of night shifts. The children are at school you don't need to parent during the day.

Your partner is on a very low wage and is clearly struggling to cover everything and you've £12k savings, I'd be clearing your feet of any debts outstanding bills.
No wonder he's depressed.