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Original poster

Husband (33M) wants poly relationship and I (32F) don’t

85 replies

RoseWatercress · 14/02/2025 23:07

I am married with my husband for 12 years now. He was always a bit controlling and narcissistic but nothing I couldn't handle... until 2 years ago when he decided to announce that he wanted to have a polygamic relationship and it had to involve me. He is heterosexual and I not only am heterosexual as well but also monogamic. He says he knows I am not bisexual but wants me to be for him. For me this sounds like a lunatic conversation - but he gets very angry with the fact that I can't do that. I have no curiosity and in fact just the thought of it makes me sick. My mental health has been deteriorating a lot because of this. We have a 1 year old daughter (totally unexpected) and since she was born, he seems even more frustrated with the fact that he doesn't have what he wants. I told him several times that we should split because I can't seem to find another solution but he doesn't want it, and whenever I mention it he gets angry and gives me the silent treatment. Now for me I can only see that we have to divorce, but is there anyone here with another solution? I have no friends or family for support so leaving will require a lot of planning and I am scared that could be a bad decision for my daughter. Any thoughts are appreciated.

OP posts:
MuddyPawsIndoors · 14/02/2025 23:10

No, just divorce him.

It doesn't matter whether he wants to or not.

As an aside, we know your husband is '(M)' because he's your husband??

2025ohdear · 14/02/2025 23:12

Then leave

Perseimmion · 14/02/2025 23:15

Get your ducks in a row and plan your escape. You deserve so much better. In fact being single is so much better. 💐

category12 · 14/02/2025 23:17

He's narcissistic, controlling, trying to coerce you into types of sex you're not interested in, emotionally abuses you..

You could give him a lobotomy and hope he transforms into a decent man, but otherwise you should leave him.

ErrolTheDragon · 14/02/2025 23:18

I don't think there is another solution. And from what you describe - 'controlling and narcissistic' and it would seem with no respect for your boundaries, and an anger problem, it'd be a bad decision for your daughter for your to stay.

Strength and good luck.Flowers

Lyra87 · 14/02/2025 23:18

Repeating what previous posters have said. This is a fundamental incompatibility. You aren't bisexual, if he can't respect that than the relationship is over

Twobigbabies · 14/02/2025 23:19

Better for you and your daughter to split with him. Sorry he's a lost cause. I'm usually one to recommend therapy but it's LTB all the way here. There is no future with this man.

Sunset6 · 14/02/2025 23:27

Ask him if he would be bisexual for you and have a bloke come in and do stuff to him… no, thought not… so why does he expect something from you he wouldn’t do himself?

Copperoliverbear · 14/02/2025 23:27

Divorced the weirdo

MeganM3 · 14/02/2025 23:41

Obviously leave. It's not right is it. Don't waste your own time.

Porcuporpoise · 14/02/2025 23:49

Why are you telling him you should get divorced rather than just divorcing him?
Do you need him to be the bad guy? Are you afraid of him?

Original poster
RoseWatercress · 14/02/2025 23:55

Im not telling him to divorce, I talk to him so that both of us agree on it. He doesn’t agree and honestly I am afraid of what he will do to prevent me from leaving. I don’t want to create an ugly fight specially with my daughter here

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyTeen · 14/02/2025 23:57

Of course there’s no other solution than telling him to fuck off

Coralreef7 · 14/02/2025 23:59

He’s disgusting, you entered a monogamous marriage, not a polygamous one. Obviously he feels in other areas of your marriage you submit to him, and was confident that he could beat you down about this, and use you to fulfil his fantasies, which were either always there, or come from porn use or some mental affliction. Either way you know that this is a huge deal breaker. If you are scared to break up, and fear retribution, you need to call womens aid or somewhere similar, and get away from him immediately- he is highly abusive.

litup · 15/02/2025 00:00

If you are scared what someone will do if you try and leave a relationship that is the number one reason to leave a relationship.

Men often ramp up abusive when a woman becomes pregnant or the child is born.

If you have any sense you can see staying with this man is damaging for you and your daughter.
It's not easy, make a plan, try and do it safely (woman's aid can advise) but the longer you stay the longer he has to chip away at your confidence and belief you can leave him. It just gets harder and harder.

Coralreef7 · 15/02/2025 00:00

By the way, he doesn’t need to agree to a divorce- you don’t agree to his new marriage terms, therefore he has already agreed to a divorce by default.

ErrolTheDragon · 15/02/2025 00:03

RoseWatercress · 14/02/2025 23:55

Im not telling him to divorce, I talk to him so that both of us agree on it. He doesn’t agree and honestly I am afraid of what he will do to prevent me from leaving. I don’t want to create an ugly fight specially with my daughter here

You are not the one responsible for creating this ugly situation!

blacksax · 15/02/2025 00:04

RoseWatercress · 14/02/2025 23:55

Im not telling him to divorce, I talk to him so that both of us agree on it. He doesn’t agree and honestly I am afraid of what he will do to prevent me from leaving. I don’t want to create an ugly fight specially with my daughter here

Do you want your daughter to grow up in a home watching her father treat her mother with such contempt?

He is trying to coerce you into participating in sexual activity against your will. That is sexual abuse.

GildedRage · 15/02/2025 00:08

so have the "ugly" fight without dd there, send her to your family or a friends home for a few hours.
yes it's going to be difficult, not only the conversation but the eventual split of households.
his request is ridiculous and if you go through with it what will be the next request and while he drums up the next request he will beat you like an emotional drum and gaslight the situation.
obviously he's not matured well.

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/02/2025 00:11

RoseWatercress · 14/02/2025 23:55

Im not telling him to divorce, I talk to him so that both of us agree on it. He doesn’t agree and honestly I am afraid of what he will do to prevent me from leaving. I don’t want to create an ugly fight specially with my daughter here

You don’t tell him!
You don’t need his permission.
Make your mind yo get planning and leave quietly .

Crispynoodle · 15/02/2025 00:14

Perseimmion · 14/02/2025 23:15

Get your ducks in a row and plan your escape. You deserve so much better. In fact being single is so much better. 💐

This 💯

Delphiniumandlupins · 15/02/2025 00:15

Sunset6 · 14/02/2025 23:27

Ask him if he would be bisexual for you and have a bloke come in and do stuff to him… no, thought not… so why does he expect something from you he wouldn’t do himself?

My first thought.

You don't need him to agree to a divorce. It's nice if people can separate amicably but this man is never going to accept that he is wrong (and he very clearly is wrong). You simply need to find a safe way for yourself and your DC to get out. I hope you can find some support.

Original poster
RoseWatercress · 15/02/2025 00:19

Thank you all for your support, at least I now know that the situation is not normal for anyone else and that Im not just trying to be difficult for him. I started planning my leave, hopefully everything will work out

OP posts:
Crispynoodle · 15/02/2025 00:20

Also no need to fight! Keep your plans on the down low squirrel away cash keep a bag packed for you and your child take things out of the house a small amount at a time. Tell him you will need to think about it and get in shape post babies birth for confidence first. Then just as he is getting impatient leave

Christwosheds · 15/02/2025 00:20

MuddyPawsIndoors · 14/02/2025 23:10

No, just divorce him.

It doesn't matter whether he wants to or not.

As an aside, we know your husband is '(M)' because he's your husband??

This

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