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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband (33M) wants poly relationship and I (32F) don’t

85 replies

RoseWatercress · 14/02/2025 23:07

I am married with my husband for 12 years now. He was always a bit controlling and narcissistic but nothing I couldn't handle... until 2 years ago when he decided to announce that he wanted to have a polygamic relationship and it had to involve me. He is heterosexual and I not only am heterosexual as well but also monogamic. He says he knows I am not bisexual but wants me to be for him. For me this sounds like a lunatic conversation - but he gets very angry with the fact that I can't do that. I have no curiosity and in fact just the thought of it makes me sick. My mental health has been deteriorating a lot because of this. We have a 1 year old daughter (totally unexpected) and since she was born, he seems even more frustrated with the fact that he doesn't have what he wants. I told him several times that we should split because I can't seem to find another solution but he doesn't want it, and whenever I mention it he gets angry and gives me the silent treatment. Now for me I can only see that we have to divorce, but is there anyone here with another solution? I have no friends or family for support so leaving will require a lot of planning and I am scared that could be a bad decision for my daughter. Any thoughts are appreciated.

OP posts:
PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 15/02/2025 06:29

Sorry @RoseWatercress, this thread has moved on somewhat since I started writing the above post!!
Good luck in having a swift and relatively easy divorce OP, and if you ever decide that you want to risk a new relationship - there are still some good men out there - I really hope that you get one of the good ones next time, and at least you will know what some of the worst red flags are xx

Peripop · 15/02/2025 06:30

This guy is a knob and you must leave. My narc ex coerced me into poly but it backfired because of course its not hard to land a man but the woman he'd spent months buttering up to be with him wasnt interested. I realised at that point i needed to get out and left him (and the other poly man). Poly was just a vehicle so he could get this woman into bed and he had zero respect for me; women are appliances to him.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/02/2025 06:46

MuddyPawsIndoors · 14/02/2025 23:10

No, just divorce him.

It doesn't matter whether he wants to or not.

As an aside, we know your husband is '(M)' because he's your husband??

This.
you are 33!!!
stop wasting your life already

meet someone kind and funny who you can be happy with (be that man, woman l, cat or dog)

labamba007 · 15/02/2025 07:03

Your second sentence was telling 'nothing I couldn't handle' you know, in a good relationship you really don't have to handle anything. You don't have to put up with shitty behaviour.

Get a divorce OP, for you and your daughters sake.

labamba007 · 15/02/2025 07:05

Just seen where you are afraid to leave. Please contact women's aid to get advice. Use this time to plan carefully your exit. Hope it goes well for you OP

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 15/02/2025 07:27

What's with the M and F and numbers. Look like bra sizes.

Anyway why are you still with him? You want completely different things. He won't change.

RoseWatercress · 15/02/2025 12:36

i didn’t saw as major red flags because we always had similar tastes, so if he wants to watch a specific movie or go to a specific restaurant, it would be fine by me as it matched my tastes. Once in a while I read a book not recommended by him and I can see he doesn’t like it, but I do it anyways. I don’t really like to go out and have no friends here, so there was nothing that I liked that was too different from what he wants me to do. Thats why I said was nothing I couldn’t handle on our 12 years marriage plus 2 dating before marriage. Also he is very loving to our daughter, he really has a great ability to look out for her and find ways to do things she doesn’t want, make her want that (like brushing teeth). Thats why I was breaking my head trying to find a solution that was not divorce. He doesn’t want therapy. I am planning to leave but my heart is heavy because if it wasn’t for this one issue, we could be happy you know

OP posts:
IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 15/02/2025 12:41

Once in a while I read a book not recommended by him and I can see he doesn’t like it, but I do it anyways

That's no way to live your life and you say it as if it's normal.

perfectcolourfound · 15/02/2025 12:46

But it isn't just one issue. It's many, many worring issues.

Your husband is only happy if you're doing what he wants. You say that a lot of the time, that's fine, as you want the same things. But that isn't the point. You should be able to do anything YOU want, without his judgement. And I'll put money you HAVE changed your behaviour to please him, or for an easy life. And you've just convinced yourself you like the same things.

In a healthy, loving relationship, both people love the other for who they are, and they respect their differences. Noone is in charge. Noone controls the other with moods or silences or harsh words or withdrawing love.

Your husband wants to sleep with other women. He's trying to involve you, despite knowing you don't fancy women (and presumably despite knowing you don't want either of you to have sex with other people). Would he have sex with a man if you asked him to? I suspect not - so why does he think you should do this? It's because to him your purpose is to make his life easier, better, to do his bidding and make him happy. He doesn't see his job being to make you happy.

He is controlling. He's abusive. He's made it clear he wants to sleep with other women (the next threat will probably be, well he'll leave you out of it then, but it will be your fault if she has affairs - or he's already having an affair and this is part of his cover up). He'll find a way of it being your fault that he's unfaithful.

And it doesn't surprise me at all that his main strength with your daughter is 'getting her to do things she doesn't want to do'. He is a master manipluator. He enjoys power. He likes to control the people around him. He is not a good man for your daughter to grow up around.

What advice would you give your daughter if she was in your position?

Finally, you don't need his agreement to get divorced. Most divorces, I would imagine, are not by mutual agreement. He doesn't need to agree to it or be happy with it.

Raininginparadise2 · 15/02/2025 12:47

He's abusive. Tell him youll never agree to this. Quietly get your ducks in a row. Only when you are then ready file for divorce. Your life will be so much better without him.

BlueRothko · 15/02/2025 12:51

BaMamma · 15/02/2025 00:29

Why are you stating your husband is male and you are female; it's assumed from the roles of husband and wife.

Does it matter?

BlueRothko · 15/02/2025 12:53

RoseWatercress · 15/02/2025 12:36

i didn’t saw as major red flags because we always had similar tastes, so if he wants to watch a specific movie or go to a specific restaurant, it would be fine by me as it matched my tastes. Once in a while I read a book not recommended by him and I can see he doesn’t like it, but I do it anyways. I don’t really like to go out and have no friends here, so there was nothing that I liked that was too different from what he wants me to do. Thats why I said was nothing I couldn’t handle on our 12 years marriage plus 2 dating before marriage. Also he is very loving to our daughter, he really has a great ability to look out for her and find ways to do things she doesn’t want, make her want that (like brushing teeth). Thats why I was breaking my head trying to find a solution that was not divorce. He doesn’t want therapy. I am planning to leave but my heart is heavy because if it wasn’t for this one issue, we could be happy you know

I don’t think you can be happy with this controlling man. Show your daughter you can be strong and leave him.

Alalalala · 15/02/2025 12:56

This is such a sad, disturbing thread. I truly
hope you manage to get away from him OP.

So he’s good at getting your daughter to do things she doesn’t want to, and then even think she wants to? And he’s frustrated now he can’t work the same influence on you and force you into non consensual sex?

He sounds deeply abusive and you need to leave. I wish you the strength to do so. One way or another the manipulation and narcissism will fuck up your daughter too.

BeTwinklyKhakiPanda · 15/02/2025 13:22

RoseWatercress · 14/02/2025 23:55

Im not telling him to divorce, I talk to him so that both of us agree on it. He doesn’t agree and honestly I am afraid of what he will do to prevent me from leaving. I don’t want to create an ugly fight specially with my daughter here

This sounds to me like an abusive relationship, if you are afraid of what he will do if you leave. You may find it helpful to speak to a domestic abuse specialist on the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000247)

All my best wishes for you and your daughter

whatawonderfultime · 15/02/2025 13:24

You sound like you're living in a mini cult, I hope you can take your daughter somewhere safe.

zeibesaffron · 15/02/2025 13:29

What an abusive, nasty piece of shit your H is- your Child will start picking up on this soon.

There is no other solution you need to leave - you don’t need to tell him anything, you don’t need any excuse to leave a relationship. You need to leave/ divorce him asap this is not a safe environment for you or your DC.

ItGhoul · 15/02/2025 13:31

He is very seriously abusive and you need to leave him as soon as you possibly can. There’s no nuance to this; he’s coercive and dangerous.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/02/2025 13:33

@RoseWatercress what the fuck is he playing at???? watching too many porno movies i suppose!! get your ducks in a row, financial, passports, birth certs, marriage certs, mortgage etc. then get yourself to a solicitor and get the ball rolling. there are many female solicitors in family law if you dont want to speak about this to a man. just tell the solicitor what he is demanding. you will have no problem. once he has received the docs from your solicitor, make sure you tell his family what his demands are!!! pretty sure they will cringe!

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/02/2025 13:35

Regardless of the poly thing, why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with a controlling narcissist whose traits you need to 'handle'?

2JFDIYOLO · 15/02/2025 13:36

Don't waste any more of your young life on this godawful controlling creature. At your age you've got a potential half a century more of freedom ahead of you - if you act.

He wants to fuck around.

And he wants to use you - despite your boundaries - in his selfish urges.

We can guarantee the unexpected baby has pushed him out of centre stage in your world - and he resents that, despite being good with the baby.

He sees you as not quite human and he wants you back in your place - centring him.

You've been together since you were kids and you never had a chance to build your own life and confidence in your own choices.

Monday: Get yourself a free consultation with a solicitor, find out your rights. Do not listen to anything your husband may try to make you believe about your rights.

H112 · 15/02/2025 13:43

He sounds abuse and controlling. Trying to make you feel bad to let him ride whoever he wants to by pretending he's poly.

Poly and all that stuff only work if it's from the very beginning not 12 years in. He van cheat on you without guilt that way.

RoseWatercress · 15/02/2025 14:27

Thank you all, I really appreciate your support. As I said I am planning my leave, wish me luck

OP posts:
StMarie4me · 15/02/2025 17:59

You need to divorce him. Do not allow him to coerce you into this. Disgusting that he assumes yo will go against your sexuality or morality for him. He has no respect for you.

DorothyStorm · 15/02/2025 18:04

RoseWatercress · 15/02/2025 14:27

Thank you all, I really appreciate your support. As I said I am planning my leave, wish me luck

He is abusive and controlling. Good luck with leaving. Leave quietly and carefully.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2025 18:12

RoseWatercress · 15/02/2025 14:27

Thank you all, I really appreciate your support. As I said I am planning my leave, wish me luck

Good luck.

Just curious, your writing sounds a little like English isn't your first language. If so, are you from a culture that racists some people think is submissive, or one that is fetishised by white men?