Husband (33M) wants poly relationship and I (32F) don’t

[RoseWatercress]

I am married with my husband for 12 years now. He was always a bit controlling and narcissistic but nothing I couldn't handle... until 2 years ago when he decided to announce that he wanted to have a polygamic relationship and it had to involve me. He is heterosexual and I not only am heterosexual as well but also monogamic. He says he knows I am not bisexual but wants me to be for him. For me this sounds like a lunatic conversation - but he gets very angry with the fact that I can't do that. I have no curiosity and in fact just the thought of it makes me sick. My mental health has been deteriorating a lot because of this. We have a 1 year old daughter (totally unexpected) and since she was born, he seems even more frustrated with the fact that he doesn't have what he wants. I told him several times that we should split because I can't seem to find another solution but he doesn't want it, and whenever I mention it he gets angry and gives me the silent treatment. Now for me I can only see that we have to divorce, but is there anyone here with another solution? I have no friends or family for support so leaving will require a lot of planning and I am scared that could be a bad decision for my daughter. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Why are you stating your husband is male and you are female; it's assumed from the roles of husband and wife.

I stated male and female just following what reddit requires when you post something there, didn’t change it here as it didn’t seem to cause any harm.

Oh, sorry, didn't realize we were using Reddit rules, my bad 😶

Bloody Reddit 🙄

It's not 'house style' here but you're right it doesn't cause harm. IMO it's sometimes helpful so I'm not sure why anyone needs to be snippy about it.

It sounds like a no brainier you need to leave

No of course it doesn't cause harm.

Out of interest, how is it helpful to know her husband is male?

What else could a husband be?

Leave him. You already know what to do. Keep strong x

Tell him you need him to be bi for you
see how he likes that!

I'm glad that you have decided to leave, and are making plans.

You absolutely need to get yourself and your daughter away from him. Remember that how you allow yourself to be treated by your husband is what she will think is normal, and accept for herself.

If he wasn't such a narcissistic twat I'd wind him up, and tell him that I'd think about it as long as he'd agree to a poly relationship with another man. Which of course, he never would, because he wants his cake and to eat it.

But I don't recommend doing that. Just silently make your exit, and never look back. Good luck to you OP, you deserve so much better than he could ever give you 💐

He sounds dangerous.

Get yourself away from this man then divorce him

I’m really glad that you’ve made that choice for yourself.

Do the planning.

You need to leave this very scary man. He clearly sees you as an extension of his imagination, a very dangerous narcissist trait.

Get your act together. Go see a solicitor.

This is an extremely coercive and unhealthy relationship.

The recent case of the rape of Giselle Pelicot by her husband and multiple other men whom he invited to rape her after he drugged her should be a warning to you of the possible direction this could go.

Women's Aid:
0808 2000 247

Give supportive advice to woman being abused or moan about the forum conventions she’s using. Let me see… Oh no, it’s not hard after all. Did you think it was?

Start a side argument, seems productive…

There is no solution. Marriage is a partnership, joint decision making, mutual respect, sharing, caring. Anything less doesn’t qualify for a happy marriage.
sadly you don’t appear to have these. He, his sulking and massive need for control is not going to improve.

Dump the loser bastard.

How on earth do these weirdo men stay in relationships. He is a twat, a knob, a fool.

Get out of there OP. Do what is necessary to get rid of him.

Posted too soon. For your own sanity and future happiness, please put things together, it might take a while, but slowly start to plan your next move. Get out as soon as possible. You deserve so much more. Good luck.

So you have known he was always narcissistic and controlling and that was all fine with you? You have had red flags from the beginning and xhose to ignore them?

He is showing you who he is, believe him

It doesn't have to be a fight even if he tries to make it one
He wants poly, you absolutely do not.
So you need to set each other free to explore life without this continuing clash of desires.
(fucking good luck to him finding poly it's a small pool and one he might not fit into as he won't be centre of attention but that's his future problem) He probably is aware of this and thinks the easier way is to bully you into accommodating his desires.

It's run it's course.
Stay calm.

It will be ok.

Leave this abusive prick

Fuck that @RoseWatercress - I'm sorry that you're being treated this way. It's divorce time I reckon. Stay strong.

Leave quietly. Don't confront him. Just plan your escape for when he's out of the house. Take all important documents with you.

I was going to suggest exactly that to @RoseWatercress, @Sunset6! I think that Rose should arrange a romantic meal for them both in their favourite restaurant, and take along a written message - or send him a text while sitting opposite him - and ask him to quietly read through her note, and to let what she says in it, sink in (for just a couple of minutes). They can then start talking about how they will work out the logistics of what she is proposing. I think that her note could say something along the lines of:

" I have now realised just how important it is to you that we shoulld try having a poly relationship with another woman, but as you know, I am not at all drawn to having a bisexual relationship, but I feel as if I should give it a go at least once, just for you, and then maybe we will both love it, and can take it from there!

However, I genuinely need to enter into this sort of relationship - sharing you with someone else - very gently and cautiously, so I need you to agree to us starting a polyamorous relationship first with a handsome, intelligent and healthy bisexual man. I believe that if we did that first, for say 3 to 6 months, I could find out if I am even up to sharing you. I know that you really love me and care about my happiness, so I am sure that when you have had a few minutes to think about it, you will understand what a brilliant idea this is. Actually, I am getting quite excited about the thought of it now!"

Of course, in reality, whatever her dh's response to that is, at the end of the evening she can tell him that he will be getting a letter from her solicitor in a few days time, setting out her terms for the divorce. Unless, of course, he has had some sort of epiphany, and realises that what he wanted crossed over the line from being a personal fantasy, to him both stupidly and arrogantly, thinking that his fantasy was totally reasonable, and that Rose should go along with it! If Rose still loves him, and somehow hasn't got the 'ick' regarding him, then she would hopefully be in a very strong position to map out the only way she would consider staying in their relationship.....

(I think that it would probably involve some couples' counselling, and maybe some individual counselling for him).