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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband (33M) wants poly relationship and I (32F) don’t

85 replies

RoseWatercress · 14/02/2025 23:07

I am married with my husband for 12 years now. He was always a bit controlling and narcissistic but nothing I couldn't handle... until 2 years ago when he decided to announce that he wanted to have a polygamic relationship and it had to involve me. He is heterosexual and I not only am heterosexual as well but also monogamic. He says he knows I am not bisexual but wants me to be for him. For me this sounds like a lunatic conversation - but he gets very angry with the fact that I can't do that. I have no curiosity and in fact just the thought of it makes me sick. My mental health has been deteriorating a lot because of this. We have a 1 year old daughter (totally unexpected) and since she was born, he seems even more frustrated with the fact that he doesn't have what he wants. I told him several times that we should split because I can't seem to find another solution but he doesn't want it, and whenever I mention it he gets angry and gives me the silent treatment. Now for me I can only see that we have to divorce, but is there anyone here with another solution? I have no friends or family for support so leaving will require a lot of planning and I am scared that could be a bad decision for my daughter. Any thoughts are appreciated.

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 15/02/2025 18:16

After I had finished laughing, I’d take my shoe off and he had better start running.

MonotoneHerbivore · 15/02/2025 20:09

BaMamma · 15/02/2025 02:04

Start a side argument, seems productive…

Show quote history

Nope, just telling you what I thought about your post. Pretty evident.

BaMamma · 15/02/2025 20:14

MonotoneHerbivore · 15/02/2025 20:09

Nope, just telling you what I thought about your post. Pretty evident.

Show quote history

I’d love to get off this thread, is there a way to delete my earlier comment?

LostittoBostik · 15/02/2025 20:17

"He says he knows I am not bisexual but wants me to be for him."

Sexual coercion is abuse

You shouldn't even try to save this marriage. If he loved you he wouldn't be forcing you into sexual behaviour that makes you uncomfortable just to stay with him.

LostittoBostik · 15/02/2025 20:19

litup · 15/02/2025 00:00

If you are scared what someone will do if you try and leave a relationship that is the number one reason to leave a relationship.

Men often ramp up abusive when a woman becomes pregnant or the child is born.

If you have any sense you can see staying with this man is damaging for you and your daughter.
It's not easy, make a plan, try and do it safely (woman's aid can advise) but the longer you stay the longer he has to chip away at your confidence and belief you can leave him. It just gets harder and harder.

Yes this

Branleuse · 15/02/2025 20:19

You've been with this man since you were a teenager, and it sounds like you are only now starting to realise how abnormal it is.

Sassybooklover · 15/02/2025 20:26

You don't want to involve a 3rd person in your marriage, and he does. There is no other solution, apart from divorce. He sounds a dreadful person, who clearly has no respect for you, and your opinions/needs are unimportant and irrelevant to him. He wants his own way, and he's quite prepared to emotionally abuse you, to get it. Your daughter deserves better than growing up, thinking her Dad's behaviour and treatment of you is normal in a relationship. You need to 'get your ducks in a row', to quote a MNers phrase, to leave. You deserve much better than this sorry excuse of a man. Do not, under any circumstances agree to his demands.

saraclara · 15/02/2025 20:30

I hope you've contacted Women's Aid and got advice how to leave safely, OP.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

MonotoneHerbivore · 15/02/2025 20:38

BaMamma · 15/02/2025 20:14

I’d love to get off this thread, is there a way to delete my earlier comment?

Show quote history

You can report your comment, with the button at the bottom right of the box. Or you can just turn off notifications. Or just stop reading it.

Missj25 · 02/07/2025 18:05

RoseWatercress · 14/02/2025 23:07

I am married with my husband for 12 years now. He was always a bit controlling and narcissistic but nothing I couldn't handle... until 2 years ago when he decided to announce that he wanted to have a polygamic relationship and it had to involve me. He is heterosexual and I not only am heterosexual as well but also monogamic. He says he knows I am not bisexual but wants me to be for him. For me this sounds like a lunatic conversation - but he gets very angry with the fact that I can't do that. I have no curiosity and in fact just the thought of it makes me sick. My mental health has been deteriorating a lot because of this. We have a 1 year old daughter (totally unexpected) and since she was born, he seems even more frustrated with the fact that he doesn't have what he wants. I told him several times that we should split because I can't seem to find another solution but he doesn't want it, and whenever I mention it he gets angry and gives me the silent treatment. Now for me I can only see that we have to divorce, but is there anyone here with another solution? I have no friends or family for support so leaving will require a lot of planning and I am scared that could be a bad decision for my daughter. Any thoughts are appreciated.

He’s an asshole OP ..
Getting angry because you don’t want to introduce another partner into your marriage, like FFS ..
I’d say to him ,” how does it sit with you if I bring another guy home to have sex with, you can watch us have sex & join in if you would like “ .
You will be happier without him in your life x

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