Red flags or just strong boundaries?

[Comparethemarket]

I'm in my late 40s. My last 2 relationships have been abusive, so I have maybe lost perspective of normality.

In the last few months I've been seeing a lovely guy. It's really a FWB arrangement as neither of us are particularly ready to commit yet. We meet up maybe once a week or so, have mind-blowing sex, but we text daily, phone regularly and we've been on holiday together.

He's everything my ex's weren't, he's calm, patient, never raises his voice, he loves animals, is veggie (like me) and he looks after himself physically.

We've talked a lot about our previous relationships and what went wrong. I'm still in touch with my last ex, who FWB thinks it's a classic narcissist. I have to say, I agree completely. He's told me I need to cut contact with this guy as he's not good for me and will eventually destroy me. I know he's right, but it's difficult to cut contact completely as we still have to work together.

In this respect FWB has been a lovely breath of fresh air.

However, I've also started to notice something else. There's been a few times when he's messaged me and I've been online for other things, but not had time to read or respond to his messages. He's called me out on it and I've ended up having to respond quickly saying, "busy, I'll reply properly later". He's also commented a few times that I've commented or reacted to something on Facebook, but not responded to his message. More recently there's been a couple of times when I've been out with friends and not responded to him, so he's phoned me up. If I reject the call I then get more messages saying there's something wrong, why aren't you picking up etc?

This sounds like I'm constantly ignoring him. I'm not. I usually reply to messages as soon as I get them, but if I'm busy it might be a couple of hours before I reply, or if I'm with friends I don't want to disrupt my evening by feeling obliged to respond to a call.

My gut is telling me that this is controlling and I shouldn't have to feel that I must be available to answer 24/7, or explain why I haven't but on the other hand, I see lots of comments from posters on here worrying that their partner won't pick up the phone (and I've done it myself when I've been feeling something is a bit off).

We're not committed to each other, it's a fwb arrangement. However, I'm not sure I like the feeling that I should have to explain where I am or why if I don't respond to messages or answer my phone.

I've maybe somewhat lost perspective of what's normal. My last ex was a narcissist and the one before that started nearly 25 years ago, so mobile phones and being in permanent contact were less of a thing then.

Before anyone says, "you need to spend time on your own" etc, I'm not looking for a committed relationship. I'm perfectly happy to see someone very casually for regular sex without it going deeper than that.

I wouldn’t jump to thinking he is controlling but he does sound very needy.

He seems a lot more invested than you are so maybe a FWB situation isn’t quite right for this one.

Have to disagree with the first poster. This is controlling,
even more as you aren’t even in a relationship. You are FWBs- he has no call on your time outside when you are together, a friend wouldn’t behave this way so he shouldn’t either. To give him the benefit of the doubt he may just be catching feelings but if so he should be honest. If go with your gut @Comparethemarket but maybe have a convo first.

Whether this is controlling or not, I would find it extremely annoying and off putting. Especially the one about being out with friends and getting phone calls from him. I think you need to make it clear that you're not happy with this. If he ignores you after you've made your feelings clear and keeps doing it, that's a red flag.

Yes it is definitely controlling. You can either end things now (and this is certainly a reason to) or speak to him about it and let him know you find his behaviour controlling, won’t be falling into line anymore with regards to his demands, and ask if he feels he’s able to accept that.

Fuck that, it would really piss me off. Whether it’s coming from a place of control or lack of awareness it’s still manipulative.

Tell him once and if he doesn’t it again call it off.

Yes it’s controlling. It would be controlling in a full on relationship let alone a FWB arrangement.

Definitely overly needy. Which may not be full-blown controlling, so I don't think this is "RUN!" territory yet - but is often the slippery slope towards it, so it needs nipping in the bud firmly.

Bring up the pattern you've noticed and tell him to quit tracking your online movements and expecting you to pay him attention at the drop of a hat. No ifs, no buts. He needs to accept that you won't always be available to him even if you're online. Don't bring up individual situations, that opens the door to specific excuses.

How he reacts to that will tell you a lot. Any pushback - in fact anything other than a big apology at how he's been unwittingly suffocating - is where the red flags will start to fly.

It is also a little worrying that he's doing this when you're only FWBs. The point of that is that you don't owe them relationship-level attention! (And to be clear even if you were in a relationship, it wouldn't be acceptable.)

That's not normal, not sure if controlling or just needy but it would be too much for me. Do you text everyday? So would he of known you were going to meet friends? If he knew you were with friends and is still calling then that is controlling! If he didn't know where you were and was just concerned why you weren't answering that's a bit dfferent

Women act like that on here as in tell stories that they do this and we are told it is jealousy, it is to ease their anxieties, thry have issues and a number of other excuses

When it is men it is called controlling

I would say yes it comes across as controlling no matter who does it

Although from his point, TBH if I had messaged a b/f, saw he was online but he didn't reply I would be a little miffed.

You are yet in another abusive relationship here.

Your boundaries, skewed already by previous abuse, are being further muddled by this controlling individual now. Please read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft and Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself into the Freedom Programme and not date at all until you have given yourself plenty of time to heal and strengthen your current low boundaries.

You say FWB but it sounds very full on, surely FWB is a casual thing. Maybe he's changed his mind and wants more but tracking you over SM feels possessive, not loving

If I messaged someone and saw they were online and they ignored me or if I called them and they rejected the call I too would be confused about where I stood with them. You’re making him feel like he doesn’t know where he stands with you.

I think it does depend a bit on him as a person and his expectations. One of my good friends has been with her DH since they were 16, one of the happiest and most well suited couples I know. He is very 'needy' i would say and will constantly call or text if they're away from each other. It would be totally normal if she was out with her friends for him to call or message at least once throughout the evening or even if he is out with friends and she's at home. Where I wouldn't call/message my DH or him me just to ask how the night was going

He’s a FWB though not her bf. So it’s a casual arrangement.

If he’s that needy then maybe FWB isn’t the right thing for him

Switch off your visibility online. See what he says. He isn't your bf. Or dp.. Your business is yours not his.

Sounds to me like his facade is slipping....

I wouldn’t tolerate this from a b/f, much less from a fwb. It is needy, possessive and controlling

I think you need to have a sustained time being single and work on your own needs and boundaries as you are just going to repeat patterns otherwise. Having casual sex when you have a pattern of abusive relationships is still going to cause you harm, it’s not a neutral act unless you are a robot with no emotions.

You both appear to have a different view of your relationship. Remind him that your relationship is casual sexual and you may not reply to him straight away. Similarly he doesn't need to reply to you if he's busy or just can't be bothered. I think your talks together have been a bit intimate for a casual fwb relationship. Who knows, either of you could have been with an alternative fwb at the time.

Yes true. I guess he wants more than the FWB deal

Thanks for all your responses.

He's a fwb not a bf and he's also the one that has said we are not committed to each other.

Even if we've texted or been in contact that day, I won't necessarily tell him if I'm out with friends that day, just as I don't ask who he's spending his evenings with if we're not together. However, of he calls at 10pm I don't necessarily want to feel obliged to answer unless it might be important, especially as it's not a public/official relationship.

Sometimes I might be online briefly whilst I'm working, but not long enough to send a proper response and I feel like sending constant, "I'll reply later I'm busy" texts is intrusive.

If I'm at home on my own, the phone might not even be in the same room, or might be on silent because I've forgotten to switch the volume back up, so I've not seen texts or calls.

Absolutely controlling and a huge red flag.

You need time on your own OP.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you realise that this is absolutely 100% wildly flapping red flags.

You need to be assertive then I guess. Be clear about the fact you won’t accept this kind of controlling, reactive behaviour. Or just end it!

And if either of us are with an alternative fwb that's not a problem if we're not committed. I take it as being very much a "ask no questions, tell no lies" approach to this one. I'm not interested in getting overly involved, just someone to spend time with when we're both free and happen to enjoy very good sex with.

Hard to say if this is controlling or not, he might just be really into you and a bit paranoid that you don't like him back in the same way. Even if he says its just FWB - sounds like its much more than that given the time you have spent together.

I'm trying to imagine if this was the other way round with a guy cancelling a girl's calls and not replying - we'd probably all think he was not interested or respectful.

Either way, sounds like maybe you should end it as FWB are meant to be hassle free, and this isn't. You are both on different pages with your expectations of each other.