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Original poster

Red flags or just strong boundaries?

77 replies

Comparethemarket · 14/02/2025 08:25

I'm in my late 40s. My last 2 relationships have been abusive, so I have maybe lost perspective of normality.

In the last few months I've been seeing a lovely guy. It's really a FWB arrangement as neither of us are particularly ready to commit yet. We meet up maybe once a week or so, have mind-blowing sex, but we text daily, phone regularly and we've been on holiday together.

He's everything my ex's weren't, he's calm, patient, never raises his voice, he loves animals, is veggie (like me) and he looks after himself physically.

We've talked a lot about our previous relationships and what went wrong. I'm still in touch with my last ex, who FWB thinks it's a classic narcissist. I have to say, I agree completely. He's told me I need to cut contact with this guy as he's not good for me and will eventually destroy me. I know he's right, but it's difficult to cut contact completely as we still have to work together.

In this respect FWB has been a lovely breath of fresh air.

However, I've also started to notice something else. There's been a few times when he's messaged me and I've been online for other things, but not had time to read or respond to his messages. He's called me out on it and I've ended up having to respond quickly saying, "busy, I'll reply properly later". He's also commented a few times that I've commented or reacted to something on Facebook, but not responded to his message. More recently there's been a couple of times when I've been out with friends and not responded to him, so he's phoned me up. If I reject the call I then get more messages saying there's something wrong, why aren't you picking up etc?

This sounds like I'm constantly ignoring him. I'm not. I usually reply to messages as soon as I get them, but if I'm busy it might be a couple of hours before I reply, or if I'm with friends I don't want to disrupt my evening by feeling obliged to respond to a call.

My gut is telling me that this is controlling and I shouldn't have to feel that I must be available to answer 24/7, or explain why I haven't but on the other hand, I see lots of comments from posters on here worrying that their partner won't pick up the phone (and I've done it myself when I've been feeling something is a bit off).

We're not committed to each other, it's a fwb arrangement. However, I'm not sure I like the feeling that I should have to explain where I am or why if I don't respond to messages or answer my phone.

I've maybe somewhat lost perspective of what's normal. My last ex was a narcissist and the one before that started nearly 25 years ago, so mobile phones and being in permanent contact were less of a thing then.

Before anyone says, "you need to spend time on your own" etc, I'm not looking for a committed relationship. I'm perfectly happy to see someone very casually for regular sex without it going deeper than that.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 14/02/2025 12:03

but since there's been a few times when he's messaged in the evening (I work evenings) where there's been a few messages one after another over maybe an hour followed by a "there's something wrong, I'm not happy about getting ignored" etc and a phone call.

Massive control red flag imo. Who the fuck does he think he is?

I would 💯 have binned him off the minute I got a message like that. What a twat

AsLivingArrows · 14/02/2025 12:04

Comparethemarket · 14/02/2025 12:00

Thanks for all the perspectives.

Initially he'd said he was quite laid back with phone use etc, didn't have his last seen on WhatsApp, we're not even fb friends, but have messaged on there before we switched to WhatsApp. Always said he didn't expect replies straight away etc, but since there's been a few times when he's messaged in the evening (I work evenings) where there's been a few messages one after another over maybe an hour followed by a "there's something wrong, I'm not happy about getting ignored" etc and a phone call.

He's not been drinking, so I don't think it's that. However, I don't like feeling obliged to be constantly contactable. I never was in my marriage and i think just because these days you can contact somebody at any time, doesn't mean it's a good thing or a healthy thing.

That really is very unreasonable of him.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 14/02/2025 12:19

'not happy about being ignored' 😮WHAT. I'd struggle to respond to that, even reading it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Bin him off. This is not okay.
I wonder if he thought you'd develop feelings and be all over him, and his ego is bruised?

Chillibeds · 14/02/2025 12:22

Healthy people wouldn't tolerate this in a relationship or marriage and yours is fwb situation?

Its not a fwb situation, its another zbusive relationship, but you don't seem to realise it.

Dump him. He's unhinged.

RetroTotty · 14/02/2025 12:54

Its not a fwb situation, its another zbusive relationship, but you don't seem to
realise it.
Yep.

This could also be true could be true;
I wonder if he thought you'd develop feelings and be all over him, and his ego is bruised?

middleagedandinarage · 14/02/2025 13:04

Comparethemarket · 14/02/2025 12:00

Thanks for all the perspectives.

Initially he'd said he was quite laid back with phone use etc, didn't have his last seen on WhatsApp, we're not even fb friends, but have messaged on there before we switched to WhatsApp. Always said he didn't expect replies straight away etc, but since there's been a few times when he's messaged in the evening (I work evenings) where there's been a few messages one after another over maybe an hour followed by a "there's something wrong, I'm not happy about getting ignored" etc and a phone call.

He's not been drinking, so I don't think it's that. However, I don't like feeling obliged to be constantly contactable. I never was in my marriage and i think just because these days you can contact somebody at any time, doesn't mean it's a good thing or a healthy thing.

This definitely doesn't sound like he thinks this is a FWB set up! I think you need to address that

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 14/02/2025 13:17

He changed his tune didn't he?

A FWB can be a fabulous thing, but this one is showing worrying signs.

I thought a good talk with him about this neediness might sort it out, but this business of changing his tune and then saying you're 'ignoring' him would have me backing away.

What do you think will happen if you suggest going back to friendship without sex, @Comparethemarket ?

Twatalert · 14/02/2025 13:23

OP all you need to figure out is how you feel about it, and you have already given the answer. You aren't going to reply immediately all the time, that's your boundary. It doesn't really matter if it's a fwb situation or committed partnership.

Have you tried to talk to him about it and how did he react? This will tell you all you need to know.

You don't need to figure out if this is a full blown abusive relationship. You have to be able to keep your boundaries or feel very comfortable shifting them/compromising. If that isn't the case I would conclude it isn't for me.

TheFlis · 14/02/2025 13:29

I wouldn’t put up with this from my DH, let alone someone I wasn’t even in a relationship with!

newyearsresolurion · 14/02/2025 13:35

I couldn't be arsed with this . You're not even in a relationship wtf!!!

TipsyJoker · 14/02/2025 13:44

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2025 09:13

You are yet in another abusive relationship here.

Your boundaries, skewed already by previous abuse, are being further muddled by this controlling individual now. Please read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft and Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself into the Freedom Programme and not date at all until you have given yourself plenty of time to heal and strengthen your current low boundaries.

100% this 👍

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

why-does-he-do-that.pdf

“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting...

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

imtheholidayarmadillo · 14/02/2025 13:50

He wants the best of both worlds OP. You dangling on a string and jumping whenever he calls, but without the hassle of commitment. I'd ditch.

GrannyGoggles · 14/02/2025 14:28

Walk away now. Your needs and wants do not align. This is not going to get better.

Walk before you need to run

category12 · 14/02/2025 16:36

Oh, he's that kind of fwb, who doesn't want to commit himself, but wants the woman to be hanging out for him cock-struck.

Original poster
Comparethemarket · 15/02/2025 07:53

category12 · 14/02/2025 16:36

Oh, he's that kind of fwb, who doesn't want to commit himself, but wants the woman to be hanging out for him cock-struck.

Love that phrase "cock-struck" 😂

I think you could be right.

He wants to have the freedom to do whatever he wants but also not to have a woman doing whatever she wants too.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 15/02/2025 10:21

Comparethemarket · 15/02/2025 07:53

Love that phrase "cock-struck" 😂

I think you could be right.

He wants to have the freedom to do whatever he wants but also not to have a woman doing whatever she wants too.

Show quote history

Fuck that. Bin him 🚮

Original poster
Comparethemarket · 01/03/2025 20:31

Thanks to everyone for your comments.

Just to update, I've cut contact with FWB.

There was yet another evening where he'd been re-reading some of my texts and quizzing me on a few things. I tried my best to answer his questions, but I was out with family whilst I was trying to respond.

He tried to call me at around 10pm, but I didn't answer. Within a couple of minutes he'd sent a text saying, "yet another phone call where you've not answered" and generally having a bit of a hissy fit. I responded by text and simply said, "I didn't answer because I'm in the pub with family".

I refuse to feel obliged to answer the phone every single time someone calls, or to feel the need to answer a text immediately that it comes in because if I don't, he might see I've been online after he sent the message. I always answer texts within a decent timeframe, but sometimes I might not reply straight away even though I've been online because I might be busy, or want to give my reply more thought, or any number of reasons.

Anyway, I've not contacted him again. I think j he's probably too high maintenance for me.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/03/2025 21:54

Well done. He sounds pretty controlling tbh.

Cookiecutterantistepford · 01/03/2025 22:47

It made me laugh to hear a man described as high maintenance. I’m picturing loose wrists and sashaying. 🤣

abracadabra1980 · 02/03/2025 04:23

Trust your gut, every time. I'm older than you and on each occasion I doubted mine, it was right.

Glorybox2025 · 02/03/2025 04:41

Well done. He is definitely controlling.

Highlighta · 02/03/2025 05:00

Oh god OP. Do glad you cut ties now. I was exhausted reading your thread.

I was in a similar situation, but it was a short relationship rather than Fwb, but I swear they could be the same person.

He was absolutely draining. Just like this person was doing to you. The final straw was that we were having a general message to and fro conversation and someone rang my doorbell. I went to answer and had a little chat with the neighbour. About 20 mins later when I went back to the messages, there were a tirade of abusive texts saying how fkn rude I am to just not reply etc etc. When I explained what happened he said I should have told him someone was at the door before I answered it. I ended it there and then, and by god I felt so much lighter afterwards.

I assume this man will have another fwb soon too (my ex started dating someone else the next week), but just thank yourself lucky to be free of this.

It is definitely a form of abuse, and I hope you can see that how you have grown to have the awareness that you now do.

Enjoy the lightness you feel now. If you need to block him then do so, as there is a chance he may not like the fact he's been posted.

Original poster
Comparethemarket · 02/03/2025 07:48

Highlighta · 02/03/2025 05:00

Oh god OP. Do glad you cut ties now. I was exhausted reading your thread.

I was in a similar situation, but it was a short relationship rather than Fwb, but I swear they could be the same person.

He was absolutely draining. Just like this person was doing to you. The final straw was that we were having a general message to and fro conversation and someone rang my doorbell. I went to answer and had a little chat with the neighbour. About 20 mins later when I went back to the messages, there were a tirade of abusive texts saying how fkn rude I am to just not reply etc etc. When I explained what happened he said I should have told him someone was at the door before I answered it. I ended it there and then, and by god I felt so much lighter afterwards.

I assume this man will have another fwb soon too (my ex started dating someone else the next week), but just thank yourself lucky to be free of this.

It is definitely a form of abuse, and I hope you can see that how you have grown to have the awareness that you now do.

Enjoy the lightness you feel now. If you need to block him then do so, as there is a chance he may not like the fact he's been posted.

He's a very good looking man. I'm pretty sure he will have another fwb on the scene shortly, which is fine as we weren't committed to each other, but he needs to realise that in that situation it's a two-way street.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 08/06/2025 10:29

Comparethemarket · 01/03/2025 20:31

Thanks to everyone for your comments.

Just to update, I've cut contact with FWB.

There was yet another evening where he'd been re-reading some of my texts and quizzing me on a few things. I tried my best to answer his questions, but I was out with family whilst I was trying to respond.

He tried to call me at around 10pm, but I didn't answer. Within a couple of minutes he'd sent a text saying, "yet another phone call where you've not answered" and generally having a bit of a hissy fit. I responded by text and simply said, "I didn't answer because I'm in the pub with family".

I refuse to feel obliged to answer the phone every single time someone calls, or to feel the need to answer a text immediately that it comes in because if I don't, he might see I've been online after he sent the message. I always answer texts within a decent timeframe, but sometimes I might not reply straight away even though I've been online because I might be busy, or want to give my reply more thought, or any number of reasons.

Anyway, I've not contacted him again. I think j he's probably too high maintenance for me.

How long ago was this? Has he contacted you again? As you don’t appear to have said anything about ending it or pointed out how ridiculous he’s been.

Original poster
Comparethemarket · 08/06/2025 10:33

ForZanyAquaViewer · 08/06/2025 10:29

How long ago was this? Has he contacted you again? As you don’t appear to have said anything about ending it or pointed out how ridiculous he’s been.

Show quote history

Sorry, what??? This thread was from March! I already said I'd cut contact with him how is that not saying anything about ending it?

OP posts:
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