Red flags or just strong boundaries?

[Comparethemarket]

I'm in my late 40s. My last 2 relationships have been abusive, so I have maybe lost perspective of normality.

In the last few months I've been seeing a lovely guy. It's really a FWB arrangement as neither of us are particularly ready to commit yet. We meet up maybe once a week or so, have mind-blowing sex, but we text daily, phone regularly and we've been on holiday together.

He's everything my ex's weren't, he's calm, patient, never raises his voice, he loves animals, is veggie (like me) and he looks after himself physically.

We've talked a lot about our previous relationships and what went wrong. I'm still in touch with my last ex, who FWB thinks it's a classic narcissist. I have to say, I agree completely. He's told me I need to cut contact with this guy as he's not good for me and will eventually destroy me. I know he's right, but it's difficult to cut contact completely as we still have to work together.

In this respect FWB has been a lovely breath of fresh air.

However, I've also started to notice something else. There's been a few times when he's messaged me and I've been online for other things, but not had time to read or respond to his messages. He's called me out on it and I've ended up having to respond quickly saying, "busy, I'll reply properly later". He's also commented a few times that I've commented or reacted to something on Facebook, but not responded to his message. More recently there's been a couple of times when I've been out with friends and not responded to him, so he's phoned me up. If I reject the call I then get more messages saying there's something wrong, why aren't you picking up etc?

This sounds like I'm constantly ignoring him. I'm not. I usually reply to messages as soon as I get them, but if I'm busy it might be a couple of hours before I reply, or if I'm with friends I don't want to disrupt my evening by feeling obliged to respond to a call.

My gut is telling me that this is controlling and I shouldn't have to feel that I must be available to answer 24/7, or explain why I haven't but on the other hand, I see lots of comments from posters on here worrying that their partner won't pick up the phone (and I've done it myself when I've been feeling something is a bit off).

We're not committed to each other, it's a fwb arrangement. However, I'm not sure I like the feeling that I should have to explain where I am or why if I don't respond to messages or answer my phone.

I've maybe somewhat lost perspective of what's normal. My last ex was a narcissist and the one before that started nearly 25 years ago, so mobile phones and being in permanent contact were less of a thing then.

Before anyone says, "you need to spend time on your own" etc, I'm not looking for a committed relationship. I'm perfectly happy to see someone very casually for regular sex without it going deeper than that.

When you are out with friends why don’t you let him know that so he knows not to call ?

if he’s calling because you are out and he is insecure then that is a problem , you can set a boundary and say it’s rude to take calls when out I will text you when I’m home safe etc

Set some boundaries. Always surprised by how few people suggest switching off visibility of whether or not you are online. Everyone should switch this off by default - set your own boundary on this, no one owns your time but you. And if you have anyone (friend/family member/partner) who seems to expect instant replies - when you’re going out or otherwise busy it can be helpful to say “I’m out tonight/doing something, I won’t be checking my phone, chat tomorrow”. A few instances of that and they’ll start to realise that you text back on your own schedule, and you can stop doing it.

For what it’s worth I do think he sounds controlling, and that thid behaviour is a red flag, and I would end things.

You need to make it plain.. once a week sex and a chat and that's it. No expectations thwt you'll be in constant contact inbetween.i wouldn't be discussing exes with him , you don't want a relationship after all.

Really?

If I'm online and "ignoring" you that means I'm busy doing one of the million other things I do online: paying my bills, reading the news, watching a video, messaging other friends. Or I'm "online" on WhatsApp web but not in the same room as my laptop. Do you think anyone online is just waiting to snap to your attention?

Hes a FWB not a partner. What either to when they’re not together is none of the other one’s business

Because I don't go around telling all my friends and family when I'm going out. If I'm out and I don't answer the phone, I'll call back when I'm free (which might be the next morning). If nobody has heard from me in the last 24 hours and messages haven't been read, then maybe get worried that I'm lying at the bottom of the stairs and the cats are eating me 😂

If he's been so set there's no committment then I'd remind him of that very clearly Op. He wants the full relationship experience but he can't have cake and eat it

Exactly this.

And if he's feeling insecure, he can tell me and we can talk about how to handle that in a way that works and is respectful to both of us.

I wouldn't tolerate this from my dh! The only ones who I would accept this from is my sons. And only because they are young. I would say LTB but you're not even in a proper relationship 🤷‍♀️

He's a fwb not a bf and he's also the one that has said we are not committed to each other.

This is interesting. He's most likely said this to you so he can keep his options open if other offers appear BUT at the same time is keeping tabs on you.

I’m also not sure at this stage whether it’s controlling or needy, but it’s definitely too intense for what you are comfortable with (and I’d find it uncomfortable as well).

I think you need to have a conversation, saying what you’ve told us. Ie. Sometimes you are out, busy, the phone is on charge in another room, so you don’t always see the text, are unable to respond straight away, and you don’t really appreciate his text chasing them up. You find them intrusive and harassing. Hopefully he will get the message.

The thing that stood out to me was when you wrote that he has diagnosed your ex as a narcissist and that you need to block him from your life.

Let’s ignore the fact that you said ex was abusive.

My instant thought was ‘what right does a FWB have to tell you what to do?’

You then when on to say that you and your ex work together and that it’s something you need to navigate.

He is FWB not a family member, a close friend, or partner. But ultimately, you have to navigate that relationship, he has zero right to demand anything.

You have also shared with him, a FWB, the details of your last two abusive relationships. You have handed him the playbook on how to abuse you.

He is monitoring your activities, demanding you behave in a certain way and making you question yourself.

he is supposed to be a FWB.

TBF, he's someone I've known for years but nothing has ever happened because we've both been in relationships elsewhere. He therefore knows my ex. He's not just some random stranger from an online dating site.

I do that to my husband- if he’s away and hasn’t responded to me but he is online I ask why he hasn’t replied 😂😂

Maybe he’s just forward and curious- I mean if you make him wait 4 hours or longer for a response and also I can’t comprehend a fwb situation that involves daily contact in the way you describe it’s more like relationship territory

And don’t go shooting him on the back of these posts you said he has many positive attributes so you need to get the balance of protecting yourself but also not projecting your past onto him

If I saw someone was online - commenting but didn't reply to me I would be a bit put out. I thought maybe the checking you were ok was perhaps connected to the ex and he was concerned but the rest is too much - you're out with friends and don't have time or focus to respond. You seem to be blurring the FWB line or at least he is and maybe a reminder this is what is would be the first step if you don't want to end it immediately.

This is definitely not a FWB arrangement. This is a full blown relationship.

I wouldn't like to be questioned and have to explain myself, it's as simple as that and I would end the arrangement because of it.

That's the thing though. I don't even check if he's been online or not. If I've sent a message, I'm secure enough to know I'll get a reply, but there might be a reason why that reply is not immediate. I'd just expect a "sorry I didn't reply sooner, I was out walking the dog/washing my hair/doing chores (insert other excuse here)".

The fact that I've been online might just mean I've had a message that needed a more immediate response, or I've checked WhatsApp for something, but not responded yet to any messages. Sometimes I might have made a quick comment on a FB status that didn't need much thinking about, but I know I don't have time at that moment to have a long WhatsApp chat, so I'll save that until I've got time. If I'm out doing something I might have read briefly, but I'm in the middle of a conversation and even writing a "busy, will call later" text seems rude to the person you're having the conversation with (if you're having a conversation with someone and they keep picking up their phone to respond texts or seems disrespectful to the person you are with at the time).

Or maybe I'm just mirroring my ex's behaviour 😂

Texting daily and going on holiday together is pretty intense for an opposite-sex friendship. Add regular sex to that and I think the reality is that he's going to see himself as your boyfriend, however much you try to insist he isn't.

Well first things first, I'd be changing all my last active, last seen on all of my internet accounts like what's app, fb or anything else.

I do that with my own. Not because I'm hiding anything but myself 😂😂😂 I hate being bombarded or people always knowing my movements. I reply when I chose to (within a couple of hours if am busy) and not when someone demands I do.

I think have a conversation with him about this. If he doesn't change then get rid.

Women are not rehab centres for men. Needy or controlling.

Sounds like he’s right about your ex.

Also sounds like - sounds like, but you tell me - like the kind of person you could and need to have a discussion with about phones and online-ness and what both of you feel comfortable with. Not in an ultimatum kind of way but in “I’m finding this hard and it makes me feel X, what can we do about it?” way. You may find out this is a dynamic he has been in in other relationships. But equally he just may be too much too soon and the FWB bit is just for his convenience, but not real.

Total red flag. You’re not even in a relationship but he expects you to be at his beck and call and justify it when you’re not available to communicate with him when it suits him?

"He's a fwb not a bf and he's also the one that has said we are not committed to each other."

but gets sniffy if you don't reply and picks up on your other (social media) activities that you've done.

It's a red flag.

The best advice has been given above about the freedom program.

I couldn't cope with that level of neediness.

I think you have to be firm and say you'll message him when you've got something to say. If he can't cope with that, perhaps you aren't compatible.

Thanks for all the perspectives.

Initially he'd said he was quite laid back with phone use etc, didn't have his last seen on WhatsApp, we're not even fb friends, but have messaged on there before we switched to WhatsApp. Always said he didn't expect replies straight away etc, but since there's been a few times when he's messaged in the evening (I work evenings) where there's been a few messages one after another over maybe an hour followed by a "there's something wrong, I'm not happy about getting ignored" etc and a phone call.

He's not been drinking, so I don't think it's that. However, I don't like feeling obliged to be constantly contactable. I never was in my marriage and i think just because these days you can contact somebody at any time, doesn't mean it's a good thing or a healthy thing.