Yesterday I went round to the house of a man I’ve been seeing so that we could spend some time together. I’ve known him a long time and always thought he was a good man. It was clear before I went round that I wasn’t going to be having sex with him and that only kissing was on the cards. He said he was happy with that and respected my decision.
Our meet up initially went well- I won’t go into all the details of what went on as it would make this too long- however, I left his house yesterday feeling unsettled, a feeling that grew over the evening, and I’ve woken this morning feeling very upset.
There were a number of things that are bothering me:
Whilst kissing he kept getting his penis out and asking me to kiss it. I said no, he said ok, and then minutes later he’d be saying it again. This happened repeatedly (5-10 times) during the couple of hours we were together. Even though I didn’t do it, I felt very pressured to give him oral sex.
Whilst we were kissing he kept trying to put his hand inside my knickers. I kept saying no and stop, and pushing his hand away with my hand. At one point he grabbed my hand and held it tightly so that I couldn’t stop him from putting his fingers inside me. He was so rough that I’m now swollen between my legs and I have period type crampy pain across my lower body and lower back.
We laid down together kissing, with him on top. Both wearing clothes. He got his penis out and pushed it against my knickers and asked if he could pull my knickers to one side and hold himself against my vagina. I said no and again he tried to just do it. I said no again and he kept trying to do it. I said stop repeatedly and tried to stop him with my hand and again he grabbed my hand to prevent me from stopping him. He then forced his penis quickly inside me- I wasn’t expecting it or lubricated enough and it caused me to cry out in shock. He withdrew immediately and made a joke out of it and said it didn't count because he only entered me briefly. He said he just wanted to know what it felt like being inside me.
Anyway, as I drove home I felt unsettled as he has been so lovely, kind and caring outside of this incident. I spoke to him on the phone last night about it and said I was upset and explained why. He got very upset and apologetic, but then said that saying no at a time when you’re both sexually aroused isn’t the same as saying no before you initiate sexual contact. I disagreed with him and he seemed confused about where I was coming from. I said I’d been clear before we met and during our time together and he’d ignored that. He also said I’d been giving mixed messages because I was kissing him and he knew I wanted to have sex with him. I said again that I’d made it clear before we met what I wasn’t going to be doing and I was also clear during our time together as I kept saying no and stop, and pushing his hand away.
Anyway, we cleared the air last night and he felt bad and kept apologising and saying he’d never do anything to hurt me. However, I slept really badly last night and I woke at 5am today really upset about yesterday. But I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. He kept making jokes about how much I wanted him and he could tell I wanted to have sex with him, and it was what we’d both wanted. And now I’m thinking I’ve just messed up and shouldn’t have muddied the waters by being alone with him or kissing him. Or I should have just left when he first started pressuring me. I knew I was uncomfortable but yet I stayed.
My head is a mess now and I feel terrible because of yesterday, and terrible that I’ve upset him. But I’m also upset that he kept ignoring what I was saying and pressuring me, plus he penetrated me without my permission and without wearing a condom or knowing whether I was on birth control.
The whole thing seems a mess and I can’t think straight. I feel I’ve done something wrong and now he’s upset as well.