February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

@binkie163 I forgot about the Covid ridden bats.

They’re doing ok. Happy in the shed, but I think a holiday in Aberdeen would be really good for them.

I’ll write a little label for their necks saying ‘COVID INFECTED’ and, hopefully, that will cause a seizure. A genuine one.

This is the man after all who had a pretend brain haemorrhage, brain tumour. He did have a stroke though…

@CheekySnake love the name BTW.

It’s definitely a hangover from childhood as you describe your own childhood (I’m so sorry to hear about yours ❤️❤️❤️) we’re adamant that we can’t / won’t help Wife 2. I doubt she has friends as she’s from overseas and he does a number on women where he isolates them. Family are poor, SIL is from a middle class educated family in her home country.

Wife 2 was the woman who had his kid and then he disappeared whilst the child was still a baby.

We think he was over here trying to get back with SIL e.g., wife 1 who sent him packing.

Whilst the twat was over here planning his glorious return 🤣 he disappeared from Wife 2’s life, leaving her penniless in her home country, she then had to sell her belongings and track him down via one of his business contacts who got in touch with my SIL who was not surprised but disgusted.

That’s the level of shit we’re dealing with here.

I’m encouraging Mr Monkey to go back to his CPTSD counsellor so he can get on top of the guilt again. He’d stop feeling bad, but I think the first anniversary of the Hag’s death and health issues have left him vulnerable.

We’ll get through it.

thank you xxx

It's like a chuffing soap opera, isn't it?

The guilt is hard. Hope Mr Monkey can get help and get to a place where he feels able to block his brother.

In normal family situations don’t people help those members less fortunate or going through situations? For example the SIL and children haven’t done anything wrong and shouldn’t they be helped by the family if they can. Obviously not the crazy making one, they shouldn’t be helped. In a family is it not for the ones who are capable to help those who are less. Isn’t this what society in general is supposed to do? If we all just said I’m fine so I don’t want you effecting my fine no one would care about anyone. I suppose it’s knowing where you draw the line. I feel in life there is a lot of consequences in making mistakes, it’s hard to come back from because suffering irritates people.

It's about those of us trained as people pleasers having boundaries for the help we offer, having been brought up to put others first even when it was harmful to us. It's precisely because we are not in 'normal' families that we need to do it.

In a normal family, there's a healthy limit placed on how much help people offer, but also on how much people accept. I grew up in a family where those boundaries weren't present. I knew only that I had to carry the load of two emotionally stunted adults and I bloody well better not ask for anything in return otherwise I was selfish and greedy.

It is about being realistic about what we can offer, understanding that it is not our job to fix everyone else's problems and that it's ok to put a limit on the help we can offer, and making sure that we are not trying to give people help that they don't want or need.

We do not need to set ourselves on fire to keep others warm.

Everyone in my family will go above and beyond for strangers but not for family. Family has to look on form and well put together, we must not suffer.

@CheekySnake it is definitely like being in a soap opera or a nightmare I am sure my colleagues think i have a vivid imagination

Excuse me if this is too personal CheekySnake but did you discover a link between your trauma and the pelvic floor issues?
It's been insinuated to me on a number of different occasions and for different reasons that my pelvic issues (quite a few over the years) may be linked to mother wound. It's very "alternative" iykwim, but the truth is I kind of believe it.
I'm going to try osteopathy, recommended to me by a dear friend.

Yes, I think there is a link in a roundabout way, but as with all these things it's complicated - I've got severe endometriosis and have had extensive surgery for it. The pelvic floor dysfunction is definitely linked to that as it is a response to pelvic pain. But there's also evidence linking endo to childhood trauma/abuse (from what I understand, the theory is that being in an abusive home and being chronically stressed as a result impacts your immune system which leads to problems with chronic illness in adulthood). Pelvic floor is linked to the vagus nerve, which when activated tells the brain that you're in a stressful situation and that triggers the nervous system to produce what we call anxiety (and the physical symptoms - upset stomach, sweating, panic etc). So all these things trigger each other. And the tighter the pelvic floor, the less is required to trigger the anxiety.

Do you think that family can cause an anxiety reaction? No ones family in particular but just family and people being close? Could it be over sensitive to close situations and think all families are something to be scared of? I’m just wondering if you can react to a threat that’s not even there because your whole childhood was spent in stress mode.

Oh @CheekySnake I suffer from endometriosis too, and have also had surgery. Thankfully it's now fairly controlled and I hope it stays that way. I was diagnosed almost 20 years ago and remembering those first years still brings me to tears. The absolute loneliness, the lack of basic empathy from my own mother (who didn't even bother to learn the name of the disease)... I literally shudder when I recall how scared and alone I was, and how I focused instead in her and her needs, worrying about her and her issues... If it had not been for the fact that I had surgery, and a diagnosis, I would think I had imagine all of it. It certainly seemed like an inconvenience for the family, more than anything else. "Typical of FriendlyReminder, to have these "illnesses" to be the center of attention", the voice in my head said. Her voice in my head.

Sorry for the rant. Thank you for sharing this information with me: it is fascinating.

Solidarity and much love.

In addition, I think when you are in an emotionally healthy family, you are helped to learn to cope with stressful situations and to regulate back to baseline in between. But in an abusive household, the stress is just constant, and the adults are not capable of helping you or supporting you with learning to regulate your stress response. I know I learned to just pretend everything was fine and to be numb. It was not fine. Looking back, I can see that should have been obvious. I had constant rashes, upset stomachs, nightmares which baffled my mother. It's one of the reasons I am struggling so much to have a relationship with her now. I can't believe she couldn't see how distressed I was, that she thought that childhood was ok. She didn't think I was affected by it, by his rages, waking up to her sobbing in the night, the broken things in the house, the language he used, the black eyes, the constant lying, the stealing, the drugs.

I am proud of myself for being even close to functional.

You are so spot on about the lack of awareness... I look at my DC and think that I could never ignore their pain, not even if I tried to! Whenever I second guess myself about the severity or even the "status" of the abuse I suffered, I remember this, the health neglect. Impossible to deny, especially as a mother myself.

It's interesting to see you say that you focussed on her feelings and needs as that's something I know I did for a long time, even in situations where I was the person the difficult thing was happening to. Came as a bit of a shock to her when I finally realised what I was doing and stopped. I got to the point where I just didn't tell her anything because she would expect me to emotionally prop her up and I can't any more.

I struggled with horrendous periods from early teens - got in trouble for taking pads and ibuprofen from the house. Missed loads of school, it was never questioned. It was actually the school secretary who told her it was period pain and to take me to the gp. I look back now and I just don't understand it.

The thing is, by then I already knew I didn't felt confortable sharing anything "real" with her. But I was so desperate for compassion, I was so scared... that I tried one more time, thinking "surely this is the kind of situation where you have a heartfelt conversation with your mother and the ice finally breaks". But nope. She literally brushed my worries off, and reacted as if I was crazy to even be thinking about "endo-whatever", now that I had the surgery. She literally said "but it's over now, you don't have to think about it anymore, you're fine". I felt so embarrassed and confused and numb... I remember it like it was yesterday.

Yes, the horrendous periods and missing school... also brushed aside because "she suffered it too, it's normal". It's very painful to remember, it's difficult to write it here.
Thank you 🙏

I am struggling at the moment I am peri on hrt after a few years of tests with problem periods all throughout covid so I don't know if it's hormones or stress related or both

Awful insomnia anxiety low mood although I try to focus on the positives I wash my hair and it's falling out i currently have a stress related cyst

I don't if dm is still alive if she is where she is as no matter what time any of us drive past her house the curtains are closed dsis has the money has changed the will it's not on but ok do me and my dc will not get to say goodbye or pay our respects at her funeral

Is it wrong on me to wish my elderly dm a peaceful passing so I can get closure hopefully get rid of the anxiety of not being
able to say goodbye to her although I don't know what I would say i love her but am so disappointed she's allowed dsis to manipulate her and isolate her from me and my dc her only gc
Then I can totally be free of toxic dsis have nothing to do with her

I spoke on here for the first time last week and feel slightly guilty as my mum has reasons for being the way she is. A truly horrible childhood herself (far worse than mine) and I know she loved me in as much as she is capable of love.
But she has to "own" everyone. I was never allowed to know her friends or extended family or my dad or my siblings.

She gets a free pass from everyone because of her horrific life and I'm
Deemed to have had it easy (poverty, alcoholism, paedophile grandpa) because I didn't have it as bad as her.
I'm
Damages. I know that. I've hit out & not always been easy but I seem to be the villain because I expected better.

My oldest is her golden child & my youngest doesn't even know warrant a birthday card.
I wasn't told about my brothers death, she slept with my ex husband as "proof " he didn't love me. She has turned my oldest against me and it's horrible.

and given her age I'm
Seriously worried that I won't be told of her death. It's making me feel ill.
My wonderful wonderful normal
Partner assures me I'm
Better off without the toxicity but I feel so
Ashamed that I don't have my mum. It kills me.
I also question my sanity as everyone in extended family excuses her and blames me for reacting.

It’s wild isn’t it how they can be ranting and screaming and saying awful things and just think that won’t affect a child. It just absolutely blows my mind. I had constant headaches which she put down to my eyes, it was bloody stress.

I got a similar message in my family. My father often used to justify his horrendous behaviours by saying that it wasn't as bad as what he'd experienced. While I've no doubt that was in some ways true - his mother used to encourage his father to beat the kids instead of her - that in no way makes how he behaved alright. It's not a free pass. He told me once that I should be grateful he didn't hit me,only my mother. In his head he was doing well. And what's more, he gave me a shit childhood, but I haven't taken it out on my kids. He made a choice. I walked away from a relationship with him at the first chance I got and have never regretted it. It had been my plan from about the age of ten.

I also restricted my mother's access to my children when she started to play favourites. She was possessive and clingy with the oldest and completely ignored the youngest. I'm not having that. They come as a pair. It's both or neither, I'm afraid. I've never told them how she behaved. I think my youngest would be very hurt if he knew. I'm hurt by it. But I had made the decision that I was not going to let my childhood repeat itself. I was not going to put my children in the orbit of damaging adults and stand back and tell myself there was nothing I could do about it because they're family. And I did it because their sibling relationship is more important than their relationship with my mother. I won't let my mother's behaviour poison their relationship with each other.

It is weird to not really have family (I'm not in contact with anyone apart from my mother and even that is barely there, no relationship with siblings or extended family on either side) and I do sometimes feel the sting of it when I hear people talk about aunt's and cousins and siblings.

But my take on it is that in this branch of the family, the domestic violence and the abuse ends with me. I am the end of the line. I will not pass it down the line, and I will do whatever is necessary to ensure it. I am willing to be without in order for my children to have better going forward. My mother will never be the parent I needed. I've made peace with that. There is no point in clinging on in the hope that one day magic will happen and she'll become someone else. It is what it is.

I am ashamed of it. I have a lot of shame about a lot of things. But I'm trying really hard to be a good enough parent going forward, and that helps.

@beachcitygirl fwiw I am sorry that you had such a horrible time. Xx. And it is horrible. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Great post.. I do wonder though why you bother visiting her at all.

My few weeks of peace have ended as I got messages today. Am working hard on staying calm and being normal, which I was managing until a boundary I have put in place repeatedly was crossed (again). Ugh. No, I don't want to talk to you about my health. That's what 'I don't want to talk about it' means. I don't want to have to say (again) that chronic means it can't be fixed and that yes, I'm still poorly, I'm still struggling, that's just how it is. I don't want to be asked yet again why I won't just have another (major, life changing, extremely risky) surgery like it's the equivalent of having a verruca frozen off. I know that the intention isn't malicious, it's just a complete lack of awareness of boundaries and of my feelings. As it ever was.

Do you keep in touch by phone? I ask because I would ideally like to visit my mother yearly and behave in a similar manner. In the past she would phone me and say things that upset me or put the phone down on me. So I couldn’t really escape. I’ve blocked her on my landline and if she calls my mobile she has a special ring tone so I can ignore her if I want to. I now live near her and see her as infrequently as I can but ideally would like to see her no more than once a year .