February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

I was on here years ago when the threads started but as I was happily nc with my "birth mother" I stopped posting.

My mum left my dad and me, my dais and db when I was 12. She left with my dad's best friend which made things really weird. My relationship with her has been difficult ever since and after my dd2 was born 21 years ago things just fizzled out - around dd2's birth our family needed a lot of support due to me having a severe kidney condition linked to pregnancy and she just said no. Unlike my dad and lovely stepmum (I just refer to them as my parents) and my wonderful mother in law.

Anyway, now it's 19 years since I've had a conversation with her (she totally blanked me, dh and our kids at my Gran's funeral and my brother's wedding - very upsetting for my dc who were 11,13,15 when db got married). And I've known she's been ill for a while now. But now she's actively dying of ovarian cancer. My sister is horrifically angry with me not visiting (brother totally understands but my dsis has always taken my mums "side").

I'm not planning on seeing her. There's nothing to be gained. For either of us. I've grieved for the relationship for 20 years and to be more honest, for the 40+ years since she left. I'm not going to go to her funeral (my sister says she'd "ban" me) but to be honest I'm not putting myself through that. If she leaves me anything in her will I don't want it (unless it's my great-grannies ring that my gran said she wanted me to have, but I won't go looking for it).

Does this all make any sense? I feel like I've just had a brain fart! I'm dealing with this ok, aren't I? She's not my mum any more, she opted out of that a long time ago.

Comments are welcome, but tbh it's just been helpful to write it all down!

Isn’t there a saying that going through stuff makes you stronger. It really doesn’t. I often can’t distinguish the idea that I’ve either seen some hidden truths about humans and now that I’ve seen it I can’t unsee it in many people and it’s real or I’m just loopy and I perceive rubbish. For example my SIL making stuff for MIL, you walk in MIL house and it’s full of crotched item, knitted items, collages etc that the SIL has made her. I can’t make out if this is sweet behaviour or odd behaviour. Do adults do this for in-laws? To me children do this for parents etc.

Your biggest problem isn't what your sil is or isn't doing for your mil.

It is how much time and energy you spend ruminating on it and winding yourself up. That is where you need to focus your energy - on dealing with that. Noticing the thoughts, making a conscious decision not to go there, and to think about something more interesting instead.

Weegie you know you’re right. God if anyone wished they had it all wrong it would be you. You’re not here because you screwed up the relationship. You just allowed yourself to accept who she was a long time ago.

@CheekySnake yes but I’m not sure if perhaps I’m not doing relationships properly. I have no blueprint of what you are or are not supposed to do. I see an awful lot of people doing a lot for people. E.g my ex husband who was abusive, he did an awful lot for me, more than I wanted or even asked for. But he threw it all back in my face and it was all transactional. I don’t understand if people do things for people because they expect something in return?

Basically am I supposed to be actively doing things for people to like me? Is this where I fall down because I just turn up and expect people to just be enough without doing things?

@weegiemum so sorry for what you are going through. Absolutely stay away from mother, the funeral and sister.
I went NC with my family, when my mum died I felt no guilt, remorse, sadness, nothing except relief. I didn't go to her funeral I saw no point in dragging all the shit up and having to play nice with siblings.
Your mum let you down badly so she should expect the same in return. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone, least of all your sister.

@weegiemum I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I have no useful advice, just wanted to send my sympathy 🙏

Thanks 🥲

It's hard, but much harder to let myself down than to make her unhappy. I know I'm doing the right thing.

@weegiemum I am sorry you are going through this in your situation I wouldn't go to your dm funeral as you have said you have already grieved the loss of the relationship you wanted to have with your dm

I have the opposite problem I desperately want to go to my dm funeral not the wake as i can't pretend we are a happy family anymore but we were until recently close but thanks to dsis greed over dm money i don't have contact with either of them anymore I had to find out from a random email from abroad dm was unwell recently

happyfarm i don't do things to make people like me. If I do someone a favour it's because I want to, not because I expect one back or so they'll be grateful or whatever. I do it because I want to help or I want to do something nice. I sometimes do things I don't really want to out of manners. Eg if a friend wants to go somewhere for their birthday I'll go if possible, even if it's somewhere I've no interest in going. I see that as being a good friend.
What you're describing with your SIL is her version of people pleasing towards MIL. Maybe SIL also happens to enjoy making these items and it's no bother to her to give them to someone who likes them. Not everyone is bothered about keeping the things they create for themselves, for some the enjoyment is in the creating. So she could not necessarily be making them for MIL, but she knows MIL will like them so she gifts her them.
When it comes to hobbies or pastimes, you sound quite young, so plenty of time to experiment and find out what you like. You don't have to figure it out in advance. No need to feel like time is running out. You can try whatever and quit if it's not for you. Multiple times. Just don't invest too much money in anything in the form of supplies or specialist equipment before you're sure you want to continue with it. For most things you can use/wear whatever you currently have, at least to start with. Libraries, church halls and community centres often advertise things, pick something and go, give it a chance for a few weeks, don't expect to feel fine straight away if it's out of your comfort zone. You could go to the library for books too, check out the non fiction section, read about subjects that sounds interesting, you might stumble across a new hobby or interest that way and can then get more involved with it in a practical way.

Thank you, that is extremely interesting and helpful. I'm going to copy you. Are you able to recommend a book or something about the retraining? I find the 3-3-3 breathing invaluable. I need to get back to that. Also I'd like a simple book on yoga and / or tai chi if anyone knows anything?

It has to be stuff i can do and learn alone because.... a/antisocial 🤣🤷🏼‍♂️

I'm very excited, going to a cottage tomorrow for two weeks whilst extensive redecorating is going on. I've got rid of almost everything that's been poisoned by the past and I'll tackle what I've shoved in the shed and store room when I get back. Nothing with bad energy is going to be in my fresh and decorated house! A CLEAN UNPOISONED LIFE!

@SamAndAnnie thanks. The items are definitely made for MIL and no one else, not even her own mum or family gets them. I wonder if perhaps it’s just me, I’ve stopped trying to please people but I can still notice it. People pleasing to me now looks very controlling. Either you want something or you trying to prove you are nice. Is anyone worth knowing if you have to maintain an image?

I think I’ve come to understand that image is very important. I have a friend with a girl recently diagnosed with adhd and she is embarrassed to tell her friends. She doesn’t want her friends deciding they don’t want their kids to play with her. I’ve told her she is free to come to us, there is no judgements here. But instead she wants to hide the diagnosis from there other friends. Image is very powerful because it can hide all sorts. I don’t think I was born with this need to hide and it’s got me in all sorts of situations with people who have lots to hide. Perhaps it’s best to hide some things. I definitely don’t teach my daughter to hide her struggles so others feel comfortable and can maintain an image. I think maybe those with the worst trauma often rely on this image too much. They can no longer be vulnerable.

I did 6 months of sessions with a therapist who did emdr for processing trauma, and she taught me a technique for relaxing the pelvic floor (I have a habit of being physically clenched and having a very high and tight pelvic floor). I had tried with pelvic physio and it helped but wasn't effective enough. I needed someone to guide me through it, TBH, it wasn't something I was able to learn on my own.

@Happyfarm I think you would be much happier living in the present and stopped obsessing about everyone else, what they are doing, what their motivation is. If you are like this in real life it will be exhausting for others and far too intense, most people are just happy to toddle along being happy, you make it hard work. Resentment will rob you of happiness.

@Dogaredabomb I found great yoga videos on YouTube, yoga with Adrienne is good. I like to follow a routine, my dogs sit on me and lick my face which adds an extra level of difficulty! In summer it's nice to my salute to the sun in the garden. I tried Tai chi classes for 6 months but I cannot move that slow, it drove me nuts.

@binkie163 its very hard to trust people when everyone you’ve loved has abused you. I don’t know what intentions are good and what are not and who is real and who is not. I could very well push away honest people by accident. Most people in my past have not been happy to poodle along, they have all been actively abusive so I’m on the lookout all the time and I can’t stop. I’m still actively being abused by my ex and I think it’s keeping me switched on.

@Happyfarm good friendships develop, it takes time. You have to allow people the space to get to know you and visa versa.
Acquaintances are superficial but can also be fun on ad-hoc basis and in groups.

Personally I hate people unloading on me, people tend to dump their whole life on me first meeting it isn't natural, it's overwhelming, uncomfortable. I am also suspicious of those who over share as they are always needy. I avoid needy and clingy people as they are always surrounded by drama.

Good friends can be together chatting and laughing but not needing to fill every gap with needless chatter. Those are friends, people you are comfortable just being in their company. My favourite friends are the people I laugh with.

No one enjoys being around intense, moody, misery. Nice people avoid situations that are hard work.

Sending love to everyone enduring or surviving the toxic impacts of familial abuse.

just the latest on - post number 3000 - on the shit show that is my partner’s family and the legacy of his absolutely vile mother who died last February.

I’ve been posting here since 2020. This board has kept me sane and taught me so much. Despite all the pain, there is such wisdom here and incredible support.

Jesus H Christ

Mr Monkey wrote his nasty abusive brother an email a few days ago which he didn’t send thank fuck.

This is in response to the tirade of abuse in texts from Golden Balls Bastard as he was enraged that, despite not being in touch with his toxic mother for the last 7 years, he was entitled to his share of the estate. GB was the favourite all his life and somehow that entitles him to all he wants.

This was Wednesday AM’s chapter of His Mad Family.

FFS.

In the draft email, Mr Monkey was explaining the will and then offering him £3k and ending their relationship.

Justifying, explaining, letting the bullying be ok and leaving the door open for yet more abuse and pleas for help as GB is on his uppers, is in poor health and has a wife and daughter…

The entitlement. FFS.

I put my foot down.

1. this is bullying
2. you do not respond to bullying
3. we owe him nothing
4. The wanker deserves nothing
5. The people who need it are us
6. The money is there as we can also help MM’s disabled brother, nephews or sister in law should they need
7. AND JUST FUCKING NO

I’ve reminded Mr Monkey that the sensible advice from everyone with a brain is that you don’t reward bullying narcs with a response and certainly not give £ to that twat. It would never stop once the door’s open. Aaaagh.

This is the man who abused his wife sexually, physically and emotionally, tried to take the family home from SIL and her sons, ripped off his business partner and - the best yet - told everyone that The Hag died seven years ago.

I’ve calmed down now. He’s not sending it.

I feel that Mr Monkey should go to the police with the messages as a precaution as the bastard does have previous form with a restraining order relating to Sri. He just wants out of the whole toxic shit show.

But certainly if there are more threats he will go to the police.

Personally, I feel that we won’t hear from the twat again. I do feel MM should block him.

This is the impact of his toxic family and how - still - he’s cowed by bullying.

Plus he wants a quiet life - unsurprisingly his childhood, teens, plus over the last 7 years it’s been a case helping poor SIL get out of her toxic narriage, and dealing with The Hag’s final rounds of evil, his CPTSD, a disabled brother and my mental health has been a real strain.

I’m surprised we didn’t crumble or split - which The Hag wanted - and our relationship is actually stronger and MM is in a better place due to heavy duty counselling.

Getting through it….

@MonkeyfromManchester its no secret, the only way out of toxic family and have a peaceful life is to block & NC. No response, no money ffs he will just keep coming back. They never really go away, they will still be plotting and raging even when blocked but at least you dont have to deal with it.
Did you keep any of the covid/pox ridden bats in your shed? send him a few of those, he deserves them!😂

He should block him. There's no two ways round it. I'm assuming he's reluctant, though, otherwise he would have done it already. Is he able to explain why he's not ready to do it?

@binkie163 thank you so much.

You are absolutely right. Just leave GB to his ridiculous plotting and raging. Hopefully, it’ll bring on a stroke.

@CheekySnake I know! This, hopefully, explains why 👇

I think after the years of bullying Mr Monkey knows GB is an abusive twat, but that bullying has conditioned him. MM feels guilty about leaving wife number 2 and their little girl ‘to it’ with his vile brother, but is the twat ever going change?

Can we really do anything? Should we get involved when ONCE AGAIN when the Twat fucks up, leaves wife 2 and leaves devastation in his wake? NO. Mind you, he looked so fucking rough at the Hag’s funeral that no woman is going to go near and being skint he can’t ‘buy’ a woman with the flash lifestyle.

I’m going to keep pushing for a block and NC.

The most ridiculous thing in this is that the Twat was raging about us gifting eldest nephew and younger nephew £500 each for their birthdays. Twat found out about the money by manipulating eldest to spill the beans.

Why the absolute fuck would a father be enraged by his son getting money? Jesus. A normal person would think ‘ah, what a generous gift from his uncle. Thank you’. The fuckpig is JEALOUS.

The twat uses his kids to manipulate situations and people. FFS. Last year, the twat had his little girl send ‘uncle’ Slave Son (who has £££) a friendship bracelet.

Right-o. Like the little girl, aged 7, remembers much of him from the funeral or Slave Son spent any time with Family Number 2? Slave Son is too smart to get involved.

Good job SS and MM kept the full details of the little girl from The Hag when the bitch was alive - funny how as the Hag was in her final years the little girl was brought into play. Hag kept bleating ‘I’ve never met my granddaughter’ (more of the endless pity party) when she had seen her nephews probably a total of five times, despite SIL trying to get her to see her grandsons more frequently or even answer the phone.

yep, I’ll be angling for a complete break.

@MonkeyfromManchester a cunt will always be a cunt. A rage induced stroke would be poetic justice 😀

@MonkeyfromManchester

I can empathise with mm, I think when you have that upbringing you are trained to feel that you have to fix all the problems. It's something I've got better at over the years but I still feel guilty and anxious if I don't rush in to fix/offer help, even when I also know that offering the help is a bad idea. I spent a lot of time as a kid trying to manage my father's horrendous moods and propping up my mother, which led to toxic friendships in early adulthood because normal people find you overbearing and the people who do want to be your friend are the type who take advantage of it, and you give so much and get nothing in return.

Cutting a long story short, it's codependency. The question you have to ask is why I am the person who needs to provide help? Is that help actually wanted? It is ok to step back and let someone else do it. I assume wife 2 will have her own family and friends she can lean on. It's doesn't have to be mm. He has to put that responsibility down. It's not his load to carry. Obviously it's different if she comes to you for help, but until then, it's not his job to fix her life, especially given that his upbringing means it will be difficult for him to offer help in a healthy way. I read codependent no more by melody beattie a few weeks ago and really recommend it. Having parents who can't function normally means that you are trained into unhealthy behaviours yourself, and these need to be challenged and unpicked otherwise we risk passing the weirdness on ourselves, even though we don't mean to.