February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

@SkylarkDays I agree with @CheekySnake keep away from it, don't get dragged into the unmasking it's not new to you, you lived it and left it behind. Family dramas have a habit of escalating and boom you are back in it. Your dad will never change either. All unnecessary bother for you, energy better spent on yourself.

Thanks @binkie163 Yes I agree. Sounds weird and obviously it’s not the case deep down, but I’ve kind of accepted what happened, happened, I can’t change the past, but I can try and make sure it doesn’t throw a shadow over the future as much as possible. None of us will ever fully repair, but a kind of acceptance of the past as it was has helped me stop trying to make sense of it all. There is no logical sense, my mum is a very toxic and disturbed individual. My sister found out recently from an elderly second cousin this was always the case, apparently she was very violent and difficult even as a child and made my grandparent’s life complete hell. People just didn’t speak about these things back then and it was all kept secret.

@SkylarkDays Funnily enough, I was watching something the other day where a psychologist was talking about drama and how some people actively seek it out, often because they grew up in a family where drama was constant. In adulthood because fight or flight is familiar they feel a bit lost and bored without it, even though it's painful, and so seek out things they can wind themselves up with to put their nervous system back in that state. I used to be a bit of a twitter addict and could not stop scrolling, even though I was constantly having interactions and seeing tweets that upset me. I remember one day thinking that it made me feel like I did when I was a child - constantly on edge, constantly wanting to reply but being afraid to, occasionally replying but then being terrified of the potential response. I hated it but at the same time I craved the feeling in my body. I want peace and calm but at the same time find it really hard to cope with peace and quiet (which I know is mad). When I realised what was going on I deleted everything and stopped. Working on coping with peace and quiet is a daily slog.

@CheekySnake yes we see it on this thread all the time people who keep engaging in the drama, repeating the same behaviour and asking why it's happening. The only reaction is no reaction anything else is playing the family bullshit game.
Peace, quiet and calm takes some getting used to.

This is a really interesting point. My sister has a very kind heart but is attracted to melodrama like a moth to a flame, usually trying to help people, but then she causes herself more stress & burnout. It’s almost like she needs it. I’ve often wondered why although we are very different personalities, she’s an extrovert, I’m very much an introvert and we’ve been affected by everything differently. But this explanation really makes sense.

For me personally, peace, calmness and the lack of any drama whatsoever are now vital to my mental wellbeing, I’m so burnt out & exhausted by it all. I don’t even watch or read the news anymore and came off all social media a few years ago, both have been beneficial. I occasionally come onto MN and found this thread very supportive & helpful, but otherwise only follow the gardening & property topics as they’re mostly benign. Otherwise it’s friends, walking, my family/pets, audio books, podcasts, reading or hobbies. So basically existing in my own little peaceful bubble which may seem cowardly but it works for me. That’s why I find it so hard when something like yesterday hits me full in the face and it seems impossible to get my sister to understand I’d really rather not know.

RAGING.

Some of you will remember the tales of my evil MIL The Hag. She died, thank fuck,last Feb. She is not remotely missed.

Because of her constant drama and spite, Mr Monkey and I cancelled one holiday in Feb 2022 (nephew’s 21st in Aberdeen), then because she was kicking off MM couldn’t leave her so I went to Portugal for a week alone and then Paris for a long weekend alone. I’m fine travelling on my own and he did - eventually - start seeing the games and standing up to her. But the number of phone calls and spite when we went away for just a night was fucking unbelievable. I once screamed at him to switch his fuckimg phone off.

Last year, he knew he needed to have a cataract op and an abdominal hernia surgery. I kept telling him to push his doctor and get appointments. He didn’t. I get it he was exhausted, but there’s the fact that The Hag made him so unassertive for all his life. He went back to that mental state after her death because he was so crushed by all her interminable bullshit. And, like me, EXHAUSTED.

So, he has surgery for the hernia now booked in for mid-May as of the other day (he finally pushed it before Xmas, when my patience ran out) and our holiday to Croatia is in mid-June.

I doubt he will be able to fly.

He needs it doing, I will support him during recovery, but once again I see the legacy that the Fucking witch has left with her family.

So, I’m probably going on my own. I’m OK, but was looking forward to a 14 day holiday with him after Covid and dealing with the Hag where the Fucking bitch lived with us for 12 weeks at different points over 2020 - 2023 when she was angling to live here or have Mr Monkey move into her disgusting hovel until I said she is fucking banned from this house. To be fair, MM came to the exact same conclusion, got therapy and started pushing back.

I’ve spent a ton of money that I don’t particularly have as my freelance earnings were fucked by the hag’s bollocks, I don’t want to bump up my insurance premiums by cancelling and claiming the £ as my bipolar makes it sky high anyway. And we didn’t get a long holiday from 2022 onwards because of the witch. She tried to ruin everything for us (me, particularly)during the years 2020 - 2024.

More than anything it’s how she crushed his spirit and sometimes he goes back to that awful childhood/teenage place of living with a physically and emotionally abusive nasty fuck up of a ‘mother’.

Do you need a visa to live in Croatia? #askingforafriend

@MonkeyfromManchester
I know it doesn't feel like it but in a few years it will all be a distant memory, peace will have descended and you will have your lives back. Hags disruption was massive bound to be a few seismic after shocks ❤️ I never think of my mum anymore, no rage, no sadness, nothing. 😂😂 Image if all those fuckers are in purgatory together 😱 talking of arseholes how's golden bollocks?

@MonkeyfromManchester you know what, it might be alright. My DH had a hernia repair a few years ago and as I recall the recovery was pretty quick. So don't despair just yet.

FWIW I've mentioned it before but I've got a chronic illness and I'm sure it's at least partly a fallout from the stress of having my parents as parents. Hugs to MM. x.

@binkie163 those are very wise words. You are so right. The pain and rage is going to fade. It’s only been a year and six weeks since LIBERATION. Yep, they’ll be sitting around a cauldron bemoaning their lot, blaming their children, revelling in self-pity. 🙄 GB? Not a peep since the outraged midnight texts to Mr Monkey and Slave BIL about the millions - a couple of grand - The Hag left them. I doubt we’ll hear from him. Unless he invents a brain tumour again…Or Wife 2 / daughter get in touch desperate as he’s done a runner. I think doing a runner is unlikely as he’s lost his ££££ and is over 60 and not the lothario he once was. Twat.

@CheekySnake GREAT NAME. I think chronic illnesses have their roots in being subject to abuse. The body keeps the score. I hope you get the support you need with it. Xxxx That’s great to hear regarding your husband. I’m sure it will be ok and we will both be there shocking the lithe tanned Croatians with our ghost like bodies…thanks for the good wishes for MM. XXX

Not sure if that was a serious question monkey but if it was ...You can live almost anywhere for 90 days, I don't believe you need any kind of visa for that, but you best check. You won't be able to work though, so it's a case of having enough money to get you through that time including rental and other living expenses. Maybe you should ask work for a sabbatical and do it, have a chance to fully unwind properly.

Twat maybe you didn't think of it at the time but if someone tries to hand you something from parents you can always just not take it, leave it there in their outstretched hand. Say you don't want it and they can do whatever they want with it.

Skylark I'm working to cultivate a quiet, simple life too. I've never had ambitions for a big whirlwind life full of excitement and I think that's fine. I used to worry if I was dull and uninteresting, now I accept I am me and if others find me boring they can go talk to someone else. I don't exist to entertain people.

@SamAndAnnie thank you! It’s tongue in cheek, but I do, luckily, through self-employment have the flexibility to work away. I WOULD LOVE IT. Work in the heat of the day and swim and read in the sun during the cooler hours. .
I don’t though, I’ve got the one regular client who’s controlling and likes me in the office one day a week. God knows why as, much as she’s a nice person, we don’t speak, she avoids meeting me and beyond trivia “would you like a coffee, monkey?” we email each other. In the office. This could quite easily be done from the Costa Brava!

I hear you on the quiet life. It’s worth it. ❤️❤️❤️

Re money, I would shove it on a gas or water bill, nothing that you can see. I view anything useful given as very well earned and deserved compensation. We paid with our minds and well being.

Re a mellow life and not having the desire to set the world alight, isn't it fabulous!!!

I wake up in gratitude every day for them being dead. And the monster ex sister didn't send a birthday card which gave me great joy.

And I don't feel i need to 'achieve' anything, I survived mostly intact and that makes me a superstar.

Monkey

Hernia repair recovery can be quite quick these days with a full recovery expected within 4-6 weeks so don’t despair yet.

Do keep the travel insurance company fully aware for both his op and post surgery. You do not want them to use some technicality not to pay out in the event of a claim.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/travel-to-croatia-for-work#check-permit

for you to read Monkey

Thanks all. I almost fell into the trap. Thanks for the reminder that I am NC and don't need to do anything.

I didn't even realise that my brother has the option to not accept gifts for me via him. It's so ingrained I didn't even question the practice until you pointed it out. He could say no, although I'm sure he doesn't feel as though he has a choice.

Sadly, this visit reminded me of all reasons why I went no contact. The disconnect in this family is so severe I actually cried about it. For example, you could try and speak to my brother at the dinner table but often you get no reaction. It's like he's is away in another world. Then you have the try a couple of times to get his attention and it seems like he didn't even hear what I said, let alone that I said anything at all!? Is he pretending?

This is how I grew up. You could never be sure if you got ignored or someone genuinely just didn't hear you. Choosing not to respond to a question. Silly teasing of the weakest member in the family, the child. Insults disguised as a joke. Preventing genuine connection. My heart breaks for my niece. She's started to copy the behaviour. She's the scapegoat. One set of rules for the parents and another for her. She was told to ask before grabbing her dad's drink for a sip, but he'd just grab hers without asking. The constant tension around the table.

She asked to go to the funfair again. Received no reply. She asked again and was put down with 'what do you want there?'. I'm so sad it's all repeating. I'm sad for her. For myself.

Regarding the money. I will have to get it out of my house. I am in the UK, but the money is in the currency of my home country, which i am not visiting because I am NC lol!! I am probably going to change it to £££ and then donate it.

You are right. I can stop trying to understand or read into. I ignored their birthdays, Christmas, NY. If they wanted to have gotten the memo they would have by now. In their minds it's probably an attempt to make it all equal in their heads. They are obsessed with giving everyone the same amount of money so they can't be accused of anything. But outside from that their treatment of my brother and me was anything but equal. They will never own up to that.

Yes to the disconnect. From the outside people think the family is close but on the inside no one actually knows anything about each other they so busy doing the dysfunctional dance. It’s horrible sitting and feeling invisible, it’s also why I’ve reduced the tables I sit at. We want to sit at tables and talk and laugh about what we are doing and who we are. It’s sad for children in these relationships. Even though I can protect mine as far as I can it’s still sad that we have to do this. Oh to have a normal loving family.

@Happyfarm yes. There is nothing to talk about. You have to work to even get anyone's attention and end up repeating everything at least twice. But then the convo finishes because there either is still no engagement or you get dismissed. They have no interest in world affairs or trivial topics. Even planning the day ahead is a struggle because nobody has an opinion on anything, they don't make suggestions or don't respond to mine. They just sit on their phones in the same room. It's sad.

And old wounds have opened up again. They went to a bakery to get stuff for breakfast. Bought rolls and a couple of pastries but no pastry for me. This is what it was like for me as a child. My brother got the best bits, I was told to save food for my brother but he didn't have to save anything for me. If there were leftovers it was assumed they were for the males in the house.

A few years ago I cooked something when they visited. There were leftovers and my SiL decided the next day that my brother would have them. In my house. My cooked food.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have not had a childhood to recover from. I wonder if complete recovery is possible and for things to just not trigger us anymore. I mean it’s a solution to just isolate but what if you don’t like isolating and you like people. They sound selfish and what’s the point of a relationship? But I know we feel obligated.

@Happyfarm I believe humans have a need for connection. These childhoods rob us of being able to connect in a healthy way to healthy people. I dont think the need just goes away.

I just do this relationship with my brother for my niece. So she hears from at least one person that she's good the way she is. That she has one person showing a true interest in her. Just one person on her side because I know for a fact her parents are her first bullies.

That’s so admirable and one day she may really need you. Yes to not knowing how to make healthy connections. I am doing my best going forward on modelling healthy relationships. My god it feels awkward and I feel like I’m doing it but not quite feeling it if that makes sense. I no longer sugar coat anything for anyone. If my kids ask why they don’t visit us then I’ll tell them the truth, because they are selfish. I’m not doing anyone’s relationships anymore, taking kids and telling lies. Healthy is supposed to work both ways and make you feel good when you visit not need hours after to unwind.

No one here says to completely isolate from everyone?? just from the ones causing harm/unhappiness.

Yeah I know but when relationships don’t come naturally sometimes it feels easier to isolate from everyone then to learn better ways. Being nd I find relationships stressful because I either over share, say the wrong things and then ruminate. I’ve found some good people tho who don’t mine this in me and I do it less when I’m comfortable. I find it hard to get to the comfortable bit. I’ve also judged people wrong thinking they were nice but then then switch. It’s a minefield.