February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

Welcome to the thread, @aredrosegrewup
Its completely normal to start processing your childhood experiences when you have put some time and distance between you and what happened. Back then you may have known that things weren't right but there wasn't much you could do about it, so it was safer not to rock the boat. You did what you had to to get through it.

Hi, thank you for replying. Yes you're right, the knowledge was always there but then life gets in the way. Now because all of it is being brought up in therapy it's bubbling over the surface. I think I'm at the stage where I want to cut everybody and everything out but at the same time just run away to the forest and hide!

I agree with this. I'm 39, left home 20 years ago, and it's only since I had my own children that I've gradually realised that the way my mum behaved (and continues to behave) are not OK.

I think a lot of it is to do with having your own kids isn't it. I mean I know I haven't actually managed to have any yet, but it still brings up the same feelings. It's what do I about it now that I'm struggling with the most I think. My family are not able to have uncomfortable conversations and they certainly wouldn't accept or admit what happened.

I’m 49 (50 next month) and it’s only become apparent to me very recently! My daughter becoming a slightly older teenager has brought it to light for me also I think.

I got a phone call from my father last night. He struggles with using the phone since becoming unwell, so he hadn’t rung from his phone in a very long time. It was good to chat to him, and he wanted to say thank you for the birthday gift.

He did then hand the phone to my mother, she acted quite differently. Didn’t mention the wonderful son at all, didn’t moan about how terrible her life is. I was non comital on everything, shared some generic news etc. It still stressed me out and interrupted my sleep

I need to find a way of getting out of my head and not thinking about her and her reaction and why my reaction to her is justified and on and on and on

I think it’s quite a long process and not a nice one really to go through. When your whole life has been based around not upsetting people, not trusting yourself, not even knowing if the things you feel are allowed or justified it’s hard to break free of this. A lot of us have been co dependant and enmeshed for a long time, our true selves feel a little alien and we constantly seek evidence that how we feel is ok. I believe and I hope that over time what feels mechanical becomes instinct.

@tinaabbot ah yes the old phone pass! My dad used to try and pull that 'your mum wants a quick word' I just hung up. It really meant that he wasn't thinking of me/calling me, my mum instigated it so she could grab the phone. It was another blow to my relationship with my enabler dad and moved me nearer to NC.
Your mum was careful not to moan but next time she will, she is hoovering you back in.

You can only hold one thought in your head at one time, choose not to make it about parents. Have a lovely thought (mine is my dogs) every time a shit thought creeps in replace it with happy thought. Keep doing on repeat. It's something about reprogramming neural pathways and to stop dwelling, it really works.

Thanks @Happyfarm, I know it’s going to take a while, posting here is really helpful I have to say. Just as an outlet for my thoughts and to make them real, if that makes sense.

I also started using this journaling app that gives feedback. Nothing earth shattering, but again helpful to process. I probably need therapy, but not quite ready for that step.

@binkie163 I was thinking about her trying to reel me back in!! Thanks for pointing it out. It’s a bit hard as cognitively my father is not what he was, so don’t want to just cut him off, but also I think it was likely her idea as I hadn’t read her message on WhatsApp and she probably knew I wouldn’t ignore his call.
I need to get on that neural pathway reprogramming!! Lots of nice topics lined up to think about when I go for a walk, because that’s when all the toxicity creeps in!! Or maybe a funny podcast or audio book or something 😁

@tinaabbot the bombardment of the brain. Part of it is our way of processing the shit but it gets stuck on a loop and becomes self destructive. I got hoovered back in during covid as they felt lonely and vulnerable (both siblings live close by.) I was stupid enough to think they may have changed! 2 horrid years of selfish demanding drama, screaming foot stamping behaviour and I lost it with them, extinction event argument and I hung up mid sentence and never spoke again. My parents were in their 90's and vulnerable but so was I as a small child and they didn't feel the need to take care of me. You cannot appease selfish self absorbed people. It is easier and healthier to avoid. Also you cannot have a relationship with one without the other. My dad had enabled my mum's behaviour her whole life to the detriment of his children, no reason I should feel sorry for him.

I think the brain also wants to make sense of and place into a box what is simply nonsensical delusional thinking and you just can’t. I think you can spend forever trying to get it to make sense. I have made a when I’m dead box in my brain and I’ve put this in it, I’ll have long time to dwell on it then.

Snap, well I was even older.

I am in a slightly different position because my parents divorced and I cut contact with my father then but still have contact with my mother, although that has got less over the years. No contact with any other family.

My kids are a bit older now but I've found as they reach different ages/milestones, especially ones I can remember, I just can't believe how I was treated at that age or how inappropriate it was. They never met my father obviously, and I have kept my mother at arm's length. They around the age I was when the divorce happened and they're so inexperienced and young and vulnerable. It makes me feel really sorry for my child self.

Well my mum's Mothers Day card didn't arrive in time so I got a long text message about how the postal system works and the difference between 1st and 2nd class. I then got told of her hay fever and how it had developed into a debilitating chest infection.

No mention of the cocktail filled lunch she'd been on with her friends the day before 😂 She obviously doesn't realise that when her friends tag her in a Facebook post, I can see it. So she just played the victim as usual.

Still didn't ask after her grandchildren.

I'm NC with my parents but my brother has been for a visit with his family. Their visit messed with me because of how they behave.

My parents made them take gifts for me, including ridiculous 'holiday money' which has been a recent thing. I still got 'christmas money' incl a Christmas card. It says the usual plus 'hopefully the new year will be better than the old one'.

What the heck is this. Since when do you write wishes for yourself on a card for someone else. Or do they think my year has been shit. I feel guilt tripped. Made responsible for how they thought their year was.

I'm going to somehow have to get a message to them that I don't want any money, gifts etc. Final warning. I feel they will claim that I just keep taking from them and they can be the victim.

I'm so much better off without them.

Might be totally the wrong approach but…Whether you take the money, don’t take the money, eat the money etc etc it won’t make a single bit of difference to how they view you and themselves. Could you save the money, give it charity, pay for a spa day? You will never get them to change their views of anything. I have started to just live with it all now, let them all view me and the world how they do. Don’t keep interpreting what they do or why, they probably don’t think much of anything just saying it to annoy you. Just “let them” and get on with your day. My local primary is struggling, I’d perhaps by a load of art supplies for example and donate with it.

Why did your brother accept these things?. He was used here by them as a flying monkey and I would tell him in no uncertain terms to not fall for such manipulation or hoovering behaviours.

I'd be thinking of giving it to a local school or to a charity they would never want to support. At the very least you must never acknowledge any such "gifts" you are given (such things are loaded with obligation and money is usually used by such parents in an attempt to control what they see as their errant offspring).

I have it in my head that I haven't been totally clear to them. My way of going NC was to message that I am no longer interested in calls or texting. I didn't say I went NC as such. Have I fallen into the trap again to think it is my fault they haven't understood? I think you are right. Omg!

It is a done thing in this family to give some money/gifts to take for someone else. Flying monkeying hadnt even occurred to me. I think you are right.

I thought about donating it or just keeping it to somehow return it in the future because they will hold it against me.

The problem you've got is that you can't force them to listen to you. You can't make them accept that the relationship is done.

I wouldn't contact them in the hope that this time you'll explain it in a way they'll understand. You are NC. Stay NC and do nothing. What you can work on is how you feel when they make contact so that it becomes something that doesn't throw you off balance for days afterwards and becomes about as annoying as junk mail. A couple of seconds of minor irritation and then done.

Your brother is in a tricky spot. Yes, he's being a flying monkey, but he might not be prepared to deal with saying no to them, which is how he's ended up in that position. You can tell him not to give you the messages, but again can't make him listen.

As for the money: I'm on the fence here, but I am aware that that's because I've had nothing from my family. Inherited nothing, don't get bday presents. I got my first Xmas present from my mother in 20 years last Xmas - a box of tea that I don't drink. It is just money, ateotd, and money is at least useful, if you can detach the emotion from it.

You are NC, I think that is how you need to see this. When they do something to Initiate you don’t react. Stop expecting them to understand, they won’t. Your brother has had a totally different relationship and won’t understand either. Nobody will fully understand and it is not our job to make them understand. Let them think whatever they want about you accepting money. I dislike not being able to explain myself to others but they often will just carry on thinking whatever they want anyway. We have to be comfortable not explaining and just letting them. It’s crazy there are people out who think we are monsters and we just at home, in the garden doing nothing horrible, trying to be at peace.

People don’t like it when you start upsetting the status quo. There has been whispers in my partners family because we don’t go visit anymore. And guess who’s being blamed lol. I no longer visit those who don’t visit us. His mum sends videos and msgs of what big things they are doing in the garden but I’ve no interest in going to see. It’s always you going into their world, they never return this! I find it crazy, our little 2 year is is simply the funniest little thing you ever saw and they don’t want to spend time with her at our house.

I’ve posted on here ages ago and have had a break away from the thread. Just needed some headspace and not think about the past. Still NC with my vile mother & enabling father and LC with siblings due to them still being in contact with my parents although we generally get on. So life has been pretty good and I’ve managed to get some peace and move forward in a lot of ways.

However yesterday my sister rang me in tears and initially I couldn’t make out what the situation was. Then it turns out she had seen my old best friend unexpectedly who I was super close to as a young child, up to the age of about 25 when I moved away, we lost contact and not seen each other in 25+ years now. They were talking and my sister mentioned I was NC with my parents now, and the friend replied she wasn’t surprised as she remembers being there as a little girl and witnessing my Mum violently attacking me. She told my sister how she used to to drag me across the room by my hair, smack my head into walls, punch and kick me whilst I was lying on the floor. All this is totally true and my mum did use to do this in front of my friend when she visited. This happened from being a toddler up until I was about 13 (too big to physically attack so my mum just continued with the emotional toxic abuse thereafter). I had told my sister she was very physically violent to me but because she’s 10 yrs younger she can’t remember it as such and wasn’t born for the worst of it. However my sister hearing it from a witness has made it all very real and it’s hugely upset her. It sounds like my old friend was very descriptive whereas I find it difficult to go into detail. My sister was in tears saying how sorry she was and although she’s always believed me, it’s made it very real. She’s also telling my brother and going to confront my dad with this (he’s always admitted knowing but said there was nothing he could do). Mum wasn’t physically violent with my siblings a decade later, although always very toxic and emotionally bulling, but I tried protecting them as best I could.

So I suppose the reason I have retuned here is I had a very sleepless night last night processing it all as it brought it all back. Firstly my old best friend who I haven’t heard from in 25 years appearing, we never acknowledged the abuse as we grew up, it was left unspoken and never mentioned. I’ve wondered all these years if she even remembered it or had blanked it from her memory. I was always very humiliated she’d witnessed it. I think I do find it comforting that she did remember and I do feel grateful she’s spoken up for me to members of my own family. My sister said my friend was very kind & concerned even though we lost contact years ago. Also something has now changed in the family dynamics, as Dad spent his whole life covering my mum’s behaviour or down playing it, and now the extent of her bad behaviour is going to be in the open. My sister is determined my mother is unmasked to others, and this independent witness makes it indisputable, it’s no longer just us claiming this. Although my sister is still in contact with my parents, she’s been very open to other family members & friends about the abuse we all suffered, whereas I’ve just walked away for my own mental health. I suppose she is angrier or we are at different stages. For me, my sister was very kind yesterday, and very upset to hear these things, and it’s given her a clearer idea of what I went through as we had different childhoods due to the age difference, but it’s also unsettled me by being acknowledged and made real. Also it’s left me struggling to understand how my mum thought it was ok to do this in front of another primary school aged child? I know it was the 1970s when things weren’t so good on child protection, but it either shows a high level of arrogance or madness to have done this.

So sorry for the essay above, but I just needed to get it off my chest to those that understand, I’m not looking for answers, it’s just a turn in my dysfunctional birth family that I wasn’t expecting. I definitely do feel gratified that I have been validated to my family members by someone, also that my Mum’s true nature is exposed, but it’s also brought it back somewhat. My mum has Narcissistic Personality disorder and has been flagged medically with this, but there’s other stuff too. She’s always had so much hate & rage even towards people she doesn’t really know. She’ll never change or accept anything and is totally delusional.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, dysfunctional families are the gift that never stops giving I suppose x

My toxic mother posted £100 cash with a card in the post for my birthday once even though we’re NC. I donated it to Cancer Research and made sure all my siblings knew this. Made it clear to them why I had done this and I know it will have got back to my mum via them. Not had any cash since, mum always used her money as a control tool. However I immediately burn any letters from my mum unopened now as I recognise her writing. I find it therapeutic. Don’t get many thankfully as she’s given up recently.

You must feel all over the place at the moment, it's such a lot to take in and work through. I'm so sorry all of that happened to you. It shouldn't have. You deserved better. Your parents let you down, both of them.

It is definitely the case that different siblings effectively grow up in different families. I've got a sibling a lot younger than me and he got a totally different version of my parents than I did. Not better, necessarily, still awful, but in a different way. However your sister chooses to handle this doesn't invalidate your way of handling it, so you have to do what works for you, but I would say to be careful that you don't become her emotional support as she works through it. If you can access therapy to have someone neutral to talk to it might help.

@CheekySnake thank you and yes I agree. My sister can be attracted to drama herself sometimes and I won’t be dragged back into any further family situations. I did make this clear yesterday. Luckily I live away from them all and am very low contact. Through time and a lot of healing I mostly feel detached & indifferent to my birth family these days and I am going to keep it that way. Up until this, I had mostly drawn a line under it all and decided to look forwards, not back. It’s just been a bit of a shock, especially with this friend suddenly reappearing. She was a very big part of my life, almost like a sister for the first 25 yrs of my life. Unfortunately, it’s all too painful to renew friendship or contact though as it’s part of my difficult past.

Thankfully I now have my own very supportive husband (he had a violent father & dysfunctional family too so fully understands) and we have our own happy family with our teenage daughter. Our childhoods have been life lessons on how not to be a parent and we have always strived to have a peaceful, relaxed & secure supportive home. For people like us, we may be damaged, but there is hope of happiness out there even if we carry baggage. x