February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

I would say it sounds like an utter blessing if they move out fuck off and leave you alone. I totally understand what you mean about how the shit some of these batshit couples managed to produce offspring. They have peculiarly long marriages too. They need to fuck off.

Thanks everyone.

I know it is futile to think they can change. The bloody health history is what has stupidly made me cling to the chance of an olive branch being offered. I desperately need answers and she is the only one who realistically can give them to me. Great isn't it?

@TheStrawHasBeenObliterated But as an adult you can request your medical records

I have all 800 pages in PDF format. As stated in my post it really does not say much about the actual procedures. Hard to believe nowadays but record keeping back in 80s was appalling.

I can assure you I've tried other ways and this is why her lack of communication is so bloody hurtful. Butchered as a child and jackshit nothing in terms of information.

Edit: plus medical short hand with terrible handwriting to boot.

I want to say first off: I am sorry that happened to you. It was not your fault. You've done brilliantly to get to this point. You've survived them.

Moving forward, it seems to be quite common for the 40's and the onset of menopause to be a catalyst for turning around and looking at your parents and asking WTF. I think it's partly because the hormonal change means that women are less pliant, less obliging, less willing to offer care to their own detriment. It's time to take stock and ask yourself what you want the next chapter of your life to look like. I had a reckoning with my father a long time ago, but the major struggle with my mother is happening now (I'm a bit older than you). I recently did 6 months of therapy for the first time, after years of knowing it was inevitable but not being ready to face it. So what you're feeling is understandable, and it's normal, really.

With regards to the medical records, I would ask this question: Are you SURE that your parents can give you the information you feel you need? Because yes, they were the adults who were there at the time, but it's entirely possible that they may have agreed to things they didn't understand, they may not have listened, they may have forgotten, they may have dealt with doctors who assumed consent and didn't inform properly. As you say, it was the 80's, and record keeping wasn't great.

If all that is keeping you in contact with them is the hope that they might be able to give you information, maybe it's time to re-evaluate if you want it badly enough, and if it will be worth the damage it is doing to you now, because it won't change where you are now.

and FFS stop the duty phone calls. Give yourself a break from them. It's okay to not phone people you don't want to talk to, even if you're related to them. It's allowed.

Agree with the comment on it not being a given they actually have the information. I had an op on my eye at two years old. I realised last week that my mother didn’t actually know what it was for, well she knew one thing which was to correct an eye that turned inward but she doesn’t know that I’ve never been able to see properly out of that eye and they were also trying to fix that . Absolutely wild. So she had a one eyed child and I’d get bollocked for not being able to catch when reason was my eyes don’t work together.

As an aside, presumably you didn't wear a patch to make sure the sight was retained in the lazy eye? (went through this with one of mine - my mother was flabbergasted afterwards to learn that the operation he had to fix it involved anaesthetic and surgery. WTF she thought it involved IDK).

yes patches after which didn’t work. She didn’t seem to know that it wasn’t just cosmetic it was a functional issue as well. It was when I talked about the bad sight in my eye and she said has that come on recently (I’m 52) err no.

@TheStrawHasBeenObliterated take it as a gift, don't walk away RUN. Even better if they move but they won't it's just empty threats because parents like this will expect you to look after them and wipe their arse when they get old.
They won't give you the info you need because they are using it as leverage to keep you in your place. All sounds a bit creepy about operations, could be a touch of Munchausen. My husbands mother took the identity of his dad to the grave, it's about control.
Believe me they don't get better with age, just more selfish and demanding. Fuck them off.

I listened to this recently and have found it helpful

https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-70

Use for those of us trained as people pleasers/fixers (which it seems is a common outcome of growing up in a house with a narcissist parent). I'm really interested in the idea that people pleasing is actually about trying to exert some degree of control and how to recognise and take a step back from that.

@CheekySnake
My experience is that people pleasers are sneaky controlling in a simpering/fawning way. They get extremely upset when they are not getting what they want in return, similar to covert narcs. It's very draining.
I was definitely the family fixer, it was easier to sort something or send money than have to listen to the drama bollocks.
The let them theory is similar to the subtle art of not giving a fuck 😀 we can't stop people being twats.

It's interesting to me because I can see now that I was trained as a people pleaser. My father's mood ruled our household. It was constant - what mood was he in, don't upset him, don't do the wrong thing (although he changed his mind about what the wrong thing was every 5 minutes). And then propping up my mother - don't be difficult, don't ask for anything, step in as needed. I didn't know I was doing it. I can see now that it's an attempt to control an environment where the adults around me couldn't handle their own emotions and I tried to handle it and keep things calm because it was terrifying when he lost his temper. The upset when it doesn't work is just a conditioned fear response, plain and simple.
I can see now that it's one of the reasons why I've struggled with friendships. It gives normal people the ick, and you end up being friends with people who have narc traits and as soon as I saw that, I would immediately end the friendship. I haven't had any friends in probably close to 20 years now as it just seems easier and I'm less stressed doing things on my own, but at the same time I know that's not ideal.

@CheekySnake It's exhausting being a child growing up in these families.
I am always surprised spending time alone is discouraged for good mental health, I think it is healthier to be self sufficient rather than clinging on to poor relationships.

Dh mate is working on the house next door to dms he isn’t really aware of the situation and said they are clearing out dm house dsis car her friend and a man was there as he sent me a video and i recognised the cars were moving sofa and furniture out

We were all so close until I questioned the missing money from dm politely and refused to do an equity release on dm house this is all about dsis getting dm money which she has already had she's removed me as poa changed the will done the equity release she's got what she wanted the money

Yet despite that i currently don't know if my own dm is dead or alive because of dsis I wasn't told dm was unwell. I won't be given the opportunity to say goodbye to her if she is still alive i already won't get back the last few years of us all celebrating birthdays Christmas together not my doing dsis excluded us all but this seems extra cruel and hurtful to me and my dc and dm whose has missed out on her only dgc

@Spendysis I don't want to be unkind but your mum has gone along with it, she told the police everything was ok, they were satisfied, she didn't have dementia or lack capacity it is her decision. It is probably easier to blame your conniving sister than accept your mum is equally responsible. Your mum could have phoned you at any time but chose not to.

It is unfair of course, my siblings had always sponged of my parents and will probably get what is left. However they have made themselves utterly miserable being slaves on call for 12 years, I didn't as I have a life separate from my family.

I would also get counselling to deal with the hurt, it maybe that the closeness you miss was not real. I certainly had a false facade of my family that simply wasn't true. It is painful stripping that down but better than living a lie not being able to move past it. You could call the police to check as they are emptying the house, they deal with toxic families all the time. You will at least know if she has passed, in a home or at your sister's xxx

This feeling that you have to behave a certain way to be liked does this come from neglect or does everyone feel this way a little? Do children of neglect often put being liked and accepted above everything else? I guess that as a child being accepted was literally life or death and you were only accepted if you behaved a certain way. I feel personally I’ve worn a mask for a very long time, being ADHD even more so. I see people with thousands of friends on Facebook etc and I have no idea how they can know that many people and be liked by that many. I wonder if the more authentic you are the less people like you.

I think you don’t have to have been neglected to feel it but not everyone feels it if that makes sense. You may have grown up with decent but people pleasing parents , so a modelled behaviour rather than a trauma informed one.

people like people for different reasons. And on fb some people share five sentences with a stranger and add them on fb so definition of friend is very fluid I’d say.

I never had people pleasing issues until after my marriage. I was always different and too focused on my interests to be into people that much. I dyed my hair ridiculous colours and dressed different. Then he came along and suddenly it matters what people think of me. I wonder if that’s what trauma does. If people like me then it makes me feel worthy as he destroyed my worth. I wonder if low self esteem from having suffered makes you over value peoples opinions. I guess that is what creates a narc in the first place having your whole identity based on being liked.

Thank you all of you - I've not been mentally great this week. So stayed away from all social media ~ mother usually puts a load of pictures and birthday greetings to a distant cousins with same birthday as me, I couldn't face it. Logging in and seeing these messages is such a treat- you're all lovely.

Can you change the settings so you don't see anything she posts? It's okay to just unfollow, too. I did.

yes just block her entirely. How absolutely awful to treat you like that. Just when you think you have heard it all someone has a story like this to share. Shocking .

Hello,

I’ve been part of this thread for a while, although I haven’t posted much recently, I’ve found it a healing space at discovering how toxic my mother is and how enmeshed I have been.

I have recently discovered I am autistic and that has lead to a lot of re-traumatising of childhood memories. Deep down I always knew I was different and the more I have been uncovering my childhood events, so many were traumatic because I was so vulnerable and didn’t really understand what was happening and felt I had to go along with it.

My family are still pretending everything is fine and totally ignored my outburst, (of wanting to discuss the lasting effects of the trauma in our childhood and my siblings long term drug dependency) they don’t reach out to me and have put my distance from the family down to ‘she’s going through something’ .

I’m in therapy and it’s helping me find my voice and discover my own autonomy since being enmeshed for my whole life. I am in my 40’s now and I am only now breaking free from the toxic abuse I have suffered. I finally understand that my total dependence on my mum was because I genuinely trusted that everything she did was good for me. But the more I am remembering stuff, she is coming off so toxic and bullying. So many things don’t add up to her being the loving mother she claims she has been.

I remember she would send me to babysit neighbour’s children from age of around 11 while the mum went out to dinner or a night out, I would usually fall alseep by the time she came home. My mum would have offered my services I imagine in a bid to make friends. When I was around 15 she did the same to a lady who worked at the weekend, she offered me to babysit her son who as about 3yrs old from 7/8am for the whole day, claiming that ‘I had nothing better to do’ I remember my mum coming into my bedroom on a Saturday morning to wake me up telling me I had to make breakfast for this little boy. In addition I had two younger siblings that I mostly looked after too. I am unable to remember any birthday celebrations for me before the age of 16. And for that birthday she told me she had no money and could only give me £10 which I took to go bowling with a friend. It’s saddens me and angers me too.

Not sure what I am asking for here, I guess I just needed to vent to those who probably understand. My mum was a single mum and she wears that badge with such pride when in fact she fucked up all our lives with no remorse.

@Supamum3 there isn't a single person on this thread whose parents have been honestly open to discussion or owned any responsibility for their actions or lack of. Don't waste your energy.
There is nothing you can do about it, you can't change her or the past, you can only change your response to it. If she cared you would have had that conversation years ago. They all follow the same patterns of lying, gaslighting, rewriting history, they did their best, we were difficult children, fake family bullshit... anything but a sincere apology or attempt to put things right.
Codependency no more by melody beattie is a good book for those enmeshed in toxic families, it will help heal your heart. If she brings no happiness to you, block her from your life. Xx

@Supamum3 I found out not that long ago that I am ADHD. Which has made the recovery extremely hard because my emotions are often working against me. They also make what some would brush off a problem. We often keep the co-dependancy as part of the routine as it’s better to know the devil, but this isn’t a nice way to live. I wish you all the luck as it’s an incredibly difficult journey without the ND.

I had to laugh a little today. Since stepping back emotionally I am dealing with most things so much better. We went to my partners granddads today for his birthday and his mum and dad were there. His mum told a story about how they met a lady who came up to them in the street and said she hoped to be exactly like them when they grow up. The superiority oozes from them, she was loving telling the story. Also what is with the name dropping. No lie but his mum must have mentioned 25 different people in 30 minutes, what they doing etc. Why do we want to know!

happyfarm when you step back a little and observe them you realise they are utterly nuts. I had to take mum to a&e for something and the nurse was trying to do something and mum would not shut up about every fancy place they'd ever visited. It was a rapid machine gun stream of the weirdest most inappropriate boasting.

I had moved on to the smiling benignly at the wall phase and didn't rescue the nurse 🤷🏼‍♂️ let everyone see how awful they are.