February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

Hi everyone.
I haven't been on here for a whole as I am not in a good place with various life situations and I have tried to blank it all out the last few months with varying degrees of success.

Anyway it has hit the fan again because my daughter gave birth a couple of weeks ago and I have a second beautiful grandchild. It is a blessed time especially as she lives with her family around the corner from me and we are v close .
Well my mother and brother and sister in law have decided to come for a visit at the end of March and I have fallen apart entirely now.
For context I live in a shitty city with lots of the usual issues that entails whereas my mum and brother live in an affluent area . All my married life I have felt judged for it but we couldn't move due to finances and having a heavily adapted house for our complex needs children.
I have tried to tackle my issues the last few years and if anyone recalls things have hit the fan since my father died a few years ago. I have been sidelined by my sister who I was previously v close to as she no longer has need of me as an emotional and practical crutch having moved on to my mother instead. My relationship with my mother has always been tricky and she is v judgemental and obsessed with material things and appearances etc. I have been devastated by it all the last few years. The feelings of rejection have been v hard to bear.
Anyway I am so stressed already because I already know the passive aggressive digs I will face and it is the unspoken judgement I fear the most. I swear I can read her / their minds and the feelings of failure it stirs is too much on top of everything else at the moment. It just makes me feel such a useless person who has not come up to snuff in any area.
I also know that there will be v unsubtle comments about my weight as stress eating ( a lifetime problem...wonder why that could be ? ) has led to significant weight gain.
I just don't know how to stay strong with it all. In general I just keep low contact with my mum, v low contact with my brother and am practically no contact with my sister now. Nobody borders to visit our shitty corner of the world which suits me just fine and I just stick it in the back of my mind .
I just want to keep it all at arms length, enjoy my own family ( long marriage, thankfully v close and wonderful adult children ) and be able to hold on to my sanity in the face of a v challenging set of circumstances they know nothing about. It all feels too much tonight and I am awake with my heart pounding and mind racing.

Don't cave beachcitygirl. Can you be ill with a nasty bout of flu and block them for 6 weeks to give yourself a break?

Do you have to meet them flapjack? If they've announced they're coming to see you just tell them they can't stay with you and you're too busy at the moment to meet? I presume they're really coming to coo over the baby, not to see you really. Is not answering the door if they show up an option?

I'm still feeling strange at being NC. I'm someone who thinks family and friends are important so it just feels odd, although I know it's the only thing I can do now having tried everything else.

@SamAndAnnie
They are not staying with me thankfully but will be just around the corner. And no there is no chance of not seeing them.
It sounds so .silly I know but they have no.idea how I feel.at all. I just keep the peace and try to.stay at arms length especially the last few years. They would be shocked to hear any of this but it just isn't worth the fall.out to even go there if you see what I mean. And actually there is no real malice from my brother (or mum really ) just v subtle judgement that is not obvious enough to be able to call it out and if I said anything it would be framed as me being ridiculous, over sensitive, all in my head etc etc. We all know the drill . It leaves me feeling like I am going mad.
Thank you for taking the time to reply BTW.

Also my mum cannot help but make negative comments about everything and everyone. She doesn't say them to their face ( of course) but every conversation is littered with digs and jibes and judgements based on her value system. Even something positive is followed by a dig!
My older brother got married in Australia a few months ago and when the photos came through I said to my mum that I loved the brides dress. She agreed it was v pretty then said ...mind you she has put weight on don't you think? She had a bit but I just said that I hadn't noticed and was just blown away by how beautiful she looked.
it is exhausting because I try to.stay upbeat and dont want to.engage in gossip.but I just know the stuff she will be saying to everyone after she visits and it gets back to me in dribs and drabs over time. She will often repeat negative things others have said about where we live etc .

I just don't need any if it especially at the moment when I am already at a low ebb.
My younger brother is nice but v enmeshed with mum and v much sucked into.her value system so he goes along with it as well to some extent.
I wish we could all just be honest but we all have to.play the game to each other and all.this swirls around under the surface. It all makes me want to scream !

Ps
Sorry for the verbal diarrhea and self centred ramblings.
Sending best wishes and much solidarity to all on here who are struggling x

@flapjackfairy I just wanted to say I know how it feels having not met up to people’s expectations. When I think about it having gone through everything with no real life lessons from childhood we are actually doing very well considering but these are not the standards that are used. It’s so sad that image comes before bonds and blood. It’s very hard when your self esteem has taken a battering being made to feel even less important by passive comments. I wish I had advice but I don’t I’m afraid. As much as I try I’m still knocked down by people’s comments. You have the absolute best you can with the cards you have been dealt it’s just believing it and ignoring the voices. It is hard when then voices are the ones who dealt the blows.

@Happyfarm
Thank you. It really helps to feel heard and understood x

I think the absolute worst thing they do is externalise the world for us and in the process leave our internal world a chaotic mess.

I’ve been having issues with my ex which is what I think has got me into a downward spiral lately. He scapegoats me something terrible so that my own daughter actually starts to wonder if I am faking my own illness so I can sit on my arse all day. His messages are getting nasty over the secondary school decision for our daughter in a couple of years. He wants the number one school which is a long way away and he only has every other weekend so does none of the school runs. She wants to go with her friends and to a school she can walk home at lunch etc. She needs safely and consistently and I think her thoughts are great. Number one means nothing when you on your own miles away and don’t feel safe. Apparently I’m ruining her life and stopping her from being amazing and I’m lazy etc etc.

It's easy to make these decisions when you don't have to do any of the work involved in actually making it happen, isn't it?

@CheekySnake its also easy when you don’t take anyone’s ACTUAL needs into account. Yes I have needs too because I have an actual illness and 2 children to go to school. So driving miles each morning won’t work. That has made me a selfish bitch apparently. Another words I’m effecting his entitled that his kids should go to the number one school regardless of if that is the right thing to do for THEM. I approached the subject about a different school and she absolutely hated it. I’m the one who has to deal with the emotional fallout because I know she will hate it. It’s a no from me.

I may be ill etc but the biggest lesson I have learned that I can give me children is the need for safely and emotional health. No qualifications and the best will make a good life. She will make a good life if she feels safe and loved. I don’t have to do that, I just have to keep her safe and healthy.

You know this isn't about the school or about your DD, right? He's insisting on that school simply to upset you.

@CheekySnake why would it upset me? He has a massive ego who thinks he’s entitled to the best. All his friends will have kids in the best school so I fully expect him to need to tow. I thought it was just his ego talking? I couldn’t care less. What does upset me is him telling our daughter that I’m lazy and selfish and faking being ill. He’ll be telling her that is the reason why I don’t want the best for her like he does.

But it has upset you, hasn't it?

He’s a massive dick head and I am very cross at myself for wasting so many years on him, that’s what upsets me. That and he uses this to put me down to our daughter. So yeah he upsets me I suppose because I should never have got involved with this man. He thinks he is in control. I’ve told him if he wants to continue with his choice he can take it to court. Which he won’t, he’ll just control the narrative as they all do.

Does anyone have any experience of whether perimenopause can have an effect on c-ptsd symptoms. I was born/created super sensitive and I’ve been wondering if my age (42) and hormones have been causing me a bit of an issue. If you’re sensitive then you could be sensitive to what’s happening inside your body and the effects on your mind. I know perimenopause can cause things so go a bit wild for the calmest of people.

Yes the fluctuating hormones can affect your emotional state x.

Would hrt help this? I’ve been ok for so many years and this past year just feel like I’ve lost a bit of the control over my brain. Can’t sleep, itchy skin, brain fog, joints hurt in hands especially etc

flapjackfairy I completely understand about the digs and the continuous negative comments about people behind their back. It's so wearing and corrosive.

I took to saying 'oh, I thought you liked Julie?' or 'I thought you were friends with Len?' every time there was a negative comment. There's also 'yes, I am fat, thank you'.

But tbh it made me feel schoolmarmish, I'm not interested in correcting people who can't behave.

I've moved to a 'shitty' area away from a pretentious area and I love it. My youngest (adult asd) said 'you really fit in here, everyone is fat, short and smokes' I said 'I know! I'm delighted!'

Congratulations on your new grandbaby and having a good and close relationship with your husband and children. You're a success and have more riches than they ever will.

I am trying to summon up the energy to reply to my mother's last message, having put it off for a couple of days. Obviously it will be an impersonal non reply.

But here's the thing, and this is what I'm really struggling with. I don't understand what sort of relationship she thinks we have, or why she seems so determined to keep it going rather than just let it quietly fizzle out. In the past 20+ years, everything she has done, where she's chosen to live, how she spends her time, made it clear that I wasn't high on her list of priorities, and that started long before we reached the point we're at now. I accept that, I can't change it, and don't want to, to be honest. Given what she's like, my life is better without her in it.

So why does she want to keep some sort of relationship going? What is the point of it? Why is she keeping it going when it's so obvious I'm not really that important to her?

Why do people want to maintain a relationship with someone they've been pretty horrible to. In my head that means you don't like them all that much. So why make the effort to contact them.

Yes it can do - might be worth a visit to the GP (especially if you've got one who has an interest in female health)

@Dogaredabomb
Thank you for your uplifting post. You are right...I should own my fatness! but after a lifetime of being judged it is hard. But I am going to.work on that ! x

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all accept where we are in life and not compare it to where we “should be” or listen to those who have absolutely no idea. It’s one of the main issues with my brain all the time. All the things I don’t have, haven’t achieve, “should” have achieved. It keeps me in standstill, like a chain around my ankle. I am not where many are but they weren’t abused. My IDVA once said that so many take their own lives because of this, because they feel less. We don’t allow ourselves comfort because it’s not visible to see the amount of scaring we have. It is hard @flapjackfairy but it doesn’t make us any less because we don’t have all the bells and whistles. I try and listen to the words I would tell someone with the same story as mine. I would breakdown, I would be so proud of what they had achieved with such a
terrible start. Why I don’t allow myself this kindness I don’t know!

@HappyfarmI have had all the bells and whistles but when you get a bit older all you want is a contented peaceful life, you want/need less. Stay away from drama and resentment, we need our energy for happiness xx
@CheekySnake I expect she is eeking it out because she thinks you may be useful later down the road. All her material snobbery won't take care of her when she becomes frail. These people are completely mercenary and without shame.
My mum always slagged everyone off, I once gave her a hard stare and said, yep bet you say the same shit about me when I leave! Her face was a picture, they are not as subtle or as clever as they think they are....wankers they just can't help it, they are not nice people.

I’d give anything to have better physical health as this chronic fatigue is so difficult to manage. It’s hard to deal with my thoughts when I have no energy at all. There are many things I want to do that would boost my self esteem but I’m too unwell to do them.