Stingy BF.. or is it me?!

[doctorlife]

I (27) have been 'official' with my boyfriend (31) for 3 months. Prior to this, we dated for 6 months. I live at home and pay rent. He has his own house (about 30 min drive away). I spent the weekends there (friday - sunday). We don't see each other during the week very often as I have a busy job which I work until 7pm most evenings and he lives 30 mins away and I often need to be in a place nearer me early in the morning (I work in schools).

We have always split everything 50/50. I paid for us to have a night away together a few months ago, we still split the meal we had in the evening / next day, etc. I often buy him random nice things for the house every so often (lovely diffusers, candles, etc). Every time we do a food shop together (for the weekend etc) I pay half. I often pay for us to have coffee together (I always pay for the both of us) as I am mindful I spend a lot of time there.

Recently, I feel he is snappy and possibly resentful of me. Over Xmas, I offered to pay him some money as I essentially lived there for 12 days (I did my own food shop, etc) and he said don't worry just 'buy more food for us'.

On the weekend, I asked what was wrong as it's clear he feels I don't pull my weight (had made a few comments over the weekend). He noted that he feels i am not 'proactive enough' and that he wants me to take more of the lead which includes doing the food shops prior to going to his house, for us. This was the day after I had gone out with a friend, asked him if he wanted anything from M&S and bought everything he wanted, for his dinner (not mine!).

I fear he may be stingy. We have a Valentines meal booked and he has already said 'we'll split that'. He has also insinuated that I buy a chest of drawers for his house. I take everything back home with me after every weekend as he has no storage at all, this is getting a bit draining and difficult and I'm basically living out of my car which is not manageable.

My issue / thoughts here is that I pay rent at home, spend a lot of money on petrol going back and forth (I don't mind!) and often treat us / buy him nice things. He has never once paid for anything for us as a pair, nor ever treated me to anything (even the smallest of things).

AMIBU here? Should I be more 'proactive' or forthcoming? I am doing my best in all honesty and sometimes I perhaps don't take the lead as I feel like a guest in his house and don't want to piss him off (he likes things a certain way, etc).

Thoughts please!!!!!

If he were my son I would tell him no one likes a tightwad.

There's no reason to think he graduated and worked diligently to get his house either, he might have inherited it and be living off the social, for all we know. 🙄😃

What we do know is that he's making her feel like she's "not pulling her weight" in some way when visiting, yet she's paying half the food and dates.

As a girlfriend of only 3 months, I'm not sure what he wants 🤔

Apart from a chest of drawers off her 😂

Honestly ditch him. He couldn't even pay for dinner after you took him for a night away!

Nothing worse than being a miserable miser. It will only get worse

Yes indeed, all that may be true. He has a barely concealed inner stinge, and she is a more easygoing type - they seem incompatible. Surprising they got this far.

IKEA have some lovely stuff on offer at the moment

He’s not just stingy, he is expecting you to housekeep for him

Yuk. Very unattractive.

He's moving you into "wifey" category. Why are you bothering the man of the house with such trivialities as food shopping woman!? He'll be hinting soon about the cleaning and washing.

Dump him you can do better than this. He has never paid for anything for you both, not even a coffee? I bet he has a secret notebook with your balance so he can keep things fair 😆

😬😬😬 not even wanting to buy a valentines meal is really unattractive, I'm all for splitting costs but there's something about that that's a no 😅

I agree. I’m not one who thinks a man should pay all the time but it’s the transactional attitude that’s unattractive rather than what’s being spent by whom.

If he treated her for valentines night and then maybe she took him for dinner next time, that would feel far less stingy than him with his calculator working out exactly 50/50 every time he opens his wallet

Out of curiosity, does he expect you to do ‘wife work’ during the weekend? Who does all the cooking and clearing up, or do you share these duties. Ie, one cooks, the other clears up.

He should get down there then 😂

Wrong. Valentine’s Day is to romance the woman. Steak and blow job day in March is for the men.

Yikes!

If it's like this after 3 months imagine what it'll be like after 3 years. Or 30 years! Bin it now- he's sounds like a miserable bore!

To add I’d rather someone say to me let’s stay in with a takeaway and a bottle of wine on Valentine’s Day rather than book to take me out for a ‘romantic’ dinner and tell me in advance I’m paying half.

He's a tight arse.

There is no way in the world I would be buying a chest of drawers for a house I don't live in. That's bizarre.

I think you should spend more time seeing friends/ doing hobbies etc at the weekends and not be there as much as he doesn't seem to appreciate it.

I know there is always talk of cocklodgers on Mumsnet but I think it's a pain being the one who is always back and forth. So if you are doing all the running around and buying half of all food then that's more than enough.

With being more proactive I would ask him what he means?

I wouldn't bother going out for a valentines meal. Get a Waitrose meal deal. £20. Say you are going to do this. Then he can get food for the rest of the weekend.

@Donttellempike 🤣🤣

He wants to spilt your Valentines meal????

Fuck that. I'm embarrassed on his behalf. Not exactly Prince Charming is he?

You are better than this shit. Dump his stingy arse.

Last time there was a thread like this it went pfft as loads of certain posters reported it. I suspect they didnt like the fact that Mr 50/50 isnt always doing it because he believes in equality across the board. Didnt like being proved wrong!

Only back in 1950-valentines is soooooo old hat ..😂😂

This relationship is very early days he's being cautious. Modern relationships don't generally last more than 2 yrs... No point throwing money away on casual dating and expensive dates...

Steak and blow job day didn’t exist in the 1950’s 😂

Maybe these relationships don’t last because people don’t invest in them. They’ve been dating for 9 months in total, so it’s not exactly casual. They’re monogamous at this point I would assume.

He'll get out what he puts in. If he wants a lasting relationship, he needs to look for the right woman and then court her properly. Not this half-arsed "sleep with a woman for six months before admitting she's your girlfriend, then have her come to your house at weekends, ideally bringing a bag of groceries with her". He's wasting everyone's time with this miserable, directionless nonsense.

I think it’s very sad that romance is clearly dead for so many people. Everyone’s cynical and jaded. Maybe I am old fashioned but I would expect a man whom I was in a monogamous relationship with for the best part of a year to pay for the odd meal out, especially at times like valentines or my birthday. Of course, I would expect the woman to do the same for him on his birthday and cook him a lovely steak on steak and blowjob day. It’s about investing in each other and showing your partner that you value them and want to treat them ffs.

It's not you.

Dp grew up in poverty for a little while and has a different attitude to spending money than me. We try to recognise this and compromise. He treats me to little things regularly and offers flowers virtually every week. I don't always accept.

He's the most tidy and minimalist person out there but I have storage at his and he does at mine. It's all such a faff otherwise.

I'd chuck this one on meanness of spirit. It sounds joyless.

What?

If a bloke can't be arsed in the beginning of a relationship, it just sets the bar really low for the rest of it.