Stingy BF.. or is it me?!

[doctorlife]

I (27) have been 'official' with my boyfriend (31) for 3 months. Prior to this, we dated for 6 months. I live at home and pay rent. He has his own house (about 30 min drive away). I spent the weekends there (friday - sunday). We don't see each other during the week very often as I have a busy job which I work until 7pm most evenings and he lives 30 mins away and I often need to be in a place nearer me early in the morning (I work in schools).

We have always split everything 50/50. I paid for us to have a night away together a few months ago, we still split the meal we had in the evening / next day, etc. I often buy him random nice things for the house every so often (lovely diffusers, candles, etc). Every time we do a food shop together (for the weekend etc) I pay half. I often pay for us to have coffee together (I always pay for the both of us) as I am mindful I spend a lot of time there.

Recently, I feel he is snappy and possibly resentful of me. Over Xmas, I offered to pay him some money as I essentially lived there for 12 days (I did my own food shop, etc) and he said don't worry just 'buy more food for us'.

On the weekend, I asked what was wrong as it's clear he feels I don't pull my weight (had made a few comments over the weekend). He noted that he feels i am not 'proactive enough' and that he wants me to take more of the lead which includes doing the food shops prior to going to his house, for us. This was the day after I had gone out with a friend, asked him if he wanted anything from M&S and bought everything he wanted, for his dinner (not mine!).

I fear he may be stingy. We have a Valentines meal booked and he has already said 'we'll split that'. He has also insinuated that I buy a chest of drawers for his house. I take everything back home with me after every weekend as he has no storage at all, this is getting a bit draining and difficult and I'm basically living out of my car which is not manageable.

My issue / thoughts here is that I pay rent at home, spend a lot of money on petrol going back and forth (I don't mind!) and often treat us / buy him nice things. He has never once paid for anything for us as a pair, nor ever treated me to anything (even the smallest of things).

AMIBU here? Should I be more 'proactive' or forthcoming? I am doing my best in all honesty and sometimes I perhaps don't take the lead as I feel like a guest in his house and don't want to piss him off (he likes things a certain way, etc).

Thoughts please!!!!!

Amazing how many people instantly jump to conclusions and call him stingy without knowing the full picture. Typical mumsnet.

OP lives at home and pays rent . BF owns his own place, likely pays a mortgage, council tax, fuel bills, sky, insurance, repairs, etc.

we don’t know each of their income and disposable income. If the income is similar, OP’s disposable will almost certainly be considerably higher.

He might but be stingy, he just might not be able to afford to go more than 50/50.

Why should a man HAVE to pay for a valentines meal?

I’ll admit the drawer thing is weird, but let’s not forget when OP offered to pay him money for her 12 day stay he declined.

OP, if your lifestyles/ money ethics don’t match, walk away. Nobody is in the wrong here, he either can’t afford the things you like or he is careful with his money, and realistically neither seem like they will work for you long term.

Taking more of a lead means spending even more than your share.

Yes he's stingy and it will get worse. He wants you to pay more than your share for the privilege of being his gf. What next, pay his mortgage or rent?

Toss this one back.

When you split up with him make sure you take your nice candles back 😄

I think he is mean and resentful with it. That trait never ever improves. It's ingrained.

Stingey cheapskate people really get my goat.
Friends husband once bought some screws to do some diy around the house, told friend she owed him 45p (half the cost) for the box of screws he’d had to buy. They’re now divorced after post came to their house and she saw under the address that it said something like re: 62 Albert street, opened it and it was a mortgage offer for a house he’d secretly bought and was planning on moving into with a woman he’d been seeing for years on the side 😱 so he had plenty of dosh!
Another woman I know had a white board on their kitchen wall and there was 60p written on it - I asked why she’d written it as it was randomly the only thing on the board and on the left hand side halfway down, she said her boyfriend had bough the pint of milk that morning and she owed him for it 😱 - they are now married with kids - and she bitterly regrets it.
Honestly op I’d be binning this one off.

I think this one needs to go straight in the bin, I'm afraid. He sounds absolutely insufferable. Stingyness is one of the worst traits in a prospective partner and stingy people seldom improve so get out now.

You sound very considerate and generous. It won't be costing him much or anything more with you being there; same heating, cooking etc. Xx

In my experience men show you their interest in time, attention and money.
It seems like he wants to suck you dry on all accounts.

Wow, how romantic... I would LTB!

And this is at the new stage of the relationship. Imagine being married to this man or living with him full time. His attitude isn't great. The ick

He sounds miserable. Preordering his weekend food shop from you in advance - tight and talk about lacking in thought and romance.
You are doing more than enough. You are already spending a fair bit and he has his own place. If I were you I’d dispatch him, get saving, and start thinking about getting your own place.
I did something similar to this once. The next requests came around me ‘doing the cleaning’ when I was there when he went out running or to play tennis. I kitted out the spare room, it went on and on.
We inevitably split and he then put his house up for sale and all the good stuff I’d got him was out on display even down to fancy hand washes. I felt like booking a tour to pinch it all back!!!
Get rid. He sounds like a miser.

Why are you buying candles and diffusers for his house? Not many men would want them. Not sure you can count them as a contribution.

Anyway you are giving enough anyway.

Please read this!

So you paid for a weekend away, and no ‘thank you’ dinner. How did he have the brass balls.

He’s being mean. If you love someone you want to buy them a present or a treat sometimes. As you do him.

He is a taker op, he will always take from you whether that's money, time, energy, any resource you have he will take.

Get rid of him, you deserve better.

Oh and more proactive with a hoover is I suspect what he means.

Bin him. He sounds bloody awful, splitting the bill for Valentine's Day ? The fact he has already told you this before the event gives me the ick

Wow he really knows how to treat a woman don’t he! He sounds bloody awful, please get rid and find a man that wants to treat you and take you for nice meals.

He's incredible, you do the running about, pay your way, buy gifts and it's not enough.
Leave him OP, he doesn't care about you!

He may be skint but if there's a generous man trying to get out, then he'd have told the op about his circs.

DH was on the bones of his arse when we met, full disclosure and we were "official" whatever that means from our second date. He always insisted on going halves and I scaled down what we did because of it. He might not have been able to stretch to a big box of chocs, but he'd nip into somewhere nice and buy four truffles from the chocolate counter.

@doctorlife does he make you happy? I suspect there are already a few ribbets croaking out as you are posting.

Obviously, we're only getting one side of the story, but from what you say, it sounds like he's having second thoughts and is taking advantage. It doesn't bode well for a happy future and you need to have a straightforward conversation with him to find out what's going on.

I'm more generous with my friends than this man is with you - his partner. I can't abide meanness, so I have moved on a long time ago.

Girl, run

I once met someone for a date (OLD) and when when he got us each a coffee he said, "You can pay for the next one." Totally fair as we'd just met, but also totally unsexy, as if the most important thing on our first date was to keep a tally of who owed what to whom

He was desperate to start a relationship with me, but this totally put me off from the outset.