Page 4 | Stingy BF.. or is it me?!

doctorlife · 2025-02-10T19:33:00+00:00

I (27) have been 'official' with my boyfriend (31) for 3 months. Prior to this, we dated for 6 months. I live at home and pay rent. He has his own house (about 30 min drive away). I spent the weekends there (friday - sunday). We don't see each other during the week very often as I have a busy job which I work until 7pm most evenings and he lives 30 mins away and I often need to be in a place nearer me early in the morning (I work in schools). We have always split everything 50/50. I paid for us to have a night away together a few months ago, we still split the meal we had in the evening / next day, etc. I often buy him random nice things for the house every so often (lovely diffusers, candles, etc). Every time we do a food shop together (for the weekend etc) I pay half. I often pay for us to have coffee together (I always pay for the both of us) as I am mindful I spend a lot of time there. Recently, I feel he is snappy and possibly resentful of me. Over Xmas, I offered to pay him some money as I essentially lived there for 12 days (I did my own food shop, etc) and he said don't worry just 'buy more food for us'. On the weekend, I asked what was wrong as it's clear he feels I don't pull my weight (had made a few comments over the weekend). He noted that he feels i am not 'proactive enough' and that he wants me to take more of the lead which includes doing the food shops prior to going to his house, for us. This was the day after I had gone out with a friend, asked him if he wanted anything from M&S and bought everything he wanted, for his dinner (not mine!). I fear he may be stingy. We have a Valentines meal booked and he has already said 'we'll split that'. He has also insinuated that I buy a chest of drawers for his house. I take everything back home with me after every weekend as he has no storage at all, this is getting a bit draining and difficult and I'm basically living out of my car which is not manageable. My issue / thoughts here is that I pay rent at home, spend a lot of money on petrol going back and forth (I don't mind!) and often treat us / buy him nice things. He has never once paid for anything for us as a pair, nor ever treated me to anything (even the smallest of things). AMIBU here? Should I be more 'proactive' or forthcoming? I am doing my best in all honesty and sometimes I perhaps don't take the lead as I feel like a guest in his house and don't want to piss him off (he likes things a certain way, etc). Thoughts please!!!!!

Guavafish1 · 11/02/2025 01:58

Sounds like you invade him home every weekend. Personally I would get a chest of drawers (2nd hand).

I would buy your own food for weekend except dinner.

stop buying treats and homely stuff… clearly it’s not appreciated

I think also he needs to communicate better and not be snappy… he is rude

NiftyKoala · 11/02/2025 02:18

Run. It will only get worse.

Flomingho · 11/02/2025 02:43

If ĥe can't even make an effort on your first Valentine's Day, he isn't worth the effort. It is appalling that in all the time you have been together he hasn't treated you once.😡
The tightness will get worse in future years if you have children. He sounds very mean and has the potential to be financially controlling if you were ever in a situation where your own income was down and you relied on him. Get out of this whilst you can would be my advice.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 11/02/2025 08:03

He does not appreciate you one little bit. And it will only get worse.

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 08:41

Let's play devil's advocate and reframe this:

Your son graduated, landed a job, saved diligently, and bought a house. He's dating a nice woman, but she seems surprisingly unclear about household expenses. She thinks the small amount she gives her parents for room and board, plus the occasional candle gift for him, is comparable to the costs of a mortgage, council tax, utilities, and maintenance.

He's starting to have doubts and is feeling the financial strain so begins to nudge her.

Would you want him to settle down and start a family with someone so financially naive? Or would you advise him to find a partner who's financially independent, responsible, has her own place, and is comfortable splitting expenses, even on Valentine's Day - because she sees it as a day of mutual expression of affection, not a one-way street?

category12 · 11/02/2025 08:41

Sounds like you invade him home every weekend. Personally I would get a chest of drawers (2nd hand).

What? 😂

Presumably he wants her there at the weekends. If he sees her visits as an invasion, he should break up with her.

And why on earth would she buy him furniture at this stage? 😂

Ruby0707 · 11/02/2025 08:42

I'm more worried about him sulking and you having to drag it out of him what's wrong. Not very good at communicating is he?

This sentence also says a lot:

"I don't want to piss him off (he likes things a certain way, etc)."

category12 · 11/02/2025 08:45

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 08:41

Let's play devil's advocate and reframe this:

Your son graduated, landed a job, saved diligently, and bought a house. He's dating a nice woman, but she seems surprisingly unclear about household expenses. She thinks the small amount she gives her parents for room and board, plus the occasional candle gift for him, is comparable to the costs of a mortgage, council tax, utilities, and maintenance.

He's starting to have doubts and is feeling the financial strain so begins to nudge her.

Would you want him to settle down and start a family with someone so financially naive? Or would you advise him to find a partner who's financially independent, responsible, has her own place, and is comfortable splitting expenses, even on Valentine's Day - because she sees it as a day of mutual expression of affection, not a one-way street?

If my son's girlfriend was visiting him at weekends, I'd think he didn't like her much and was tight AF if he resented her using electric and water.

They're not living together yet. She pays half the food and dates.

TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 08:56

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 08:41

Let's play devil's advocate and reframe this:

Your son graduated, landed a job, saved diligently, and bought a house. He's dating a nice woman, but she seems surprisingly unclear about household expenses. She thinks the small amount she gives her parents for room and board, plus the occasional candle gift for him, is comparable to the costs of a mortgage, council tax, utilities, and maintenance.

He's starting to have doubts and is feeling the financial strain so begins to nudge her.

Would you want him to settle down and start a family with someone so financially naive? Or would you advise him to find a partner who's financially independent, responsible, has her own place, and is comfortable splitting expenses, even on Valentine's Day - because she sees it as a day of mutual expression of affection, not a one-way street?

He doesn’t need to nudge her and going about it in such a transactional way is an extremely unattractive trait.

Theres ways of sharing costs and cutting down on spending without telling your partner what they have to pay for and then moaning they're not proactive enough in not doing a food shop in advance.

Im not someone who thinks men should pay for everything but come on, this one is cheap. Telling her upfront they’ll be splitting the bill for Valentine’s Day - wtaf??? I’d rather someone cooked a meal at home or got a takeaway than booked a treat then told me upfront I’d have to split the bill.

It’s the transactional nature that’s far more unattractive than him possibly being a bit skint.

Greenfencebrowntree · 11/02/2025 09:01

Why would you burden anyone with your "household expenses" when you're neither married to them nor even living with them? If this was my son's idea of courtship, I'd be ashamed.

category12 · 11/02/2025 09:03

Tbh if I was OP, I'd stop staying over so often and focus on seeing more friends at the weekend instead.

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 09:23

TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 08:56

He doesn’t need to nudge her and going about it in such a transactional way is an extremely unattractive trait.

Theres ways of sharing costs and cutting down on spending without telling your partner what they have to pay for and then moaning they're not proactive enough in not doing a food shop in advance.

Im not someone who thinks men should pay for everything but come on, this one is cheap. Telling her upfront they’ll be splitting the bill for Valentine’s Day - wtaf??? I’d rather someone cooked a meal at home or got a takeaway than booked a treat then told me upfront I’d have to split the bill.

It’s the transactional nature that’s far more unattractive than him possibly being a bit skint.

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Playing devil's advocate, I would point out that nowhere in your answer do you deny that the girlfriend has some self development to do, too.

The boyfriend certainly needs to work on his communication skills but hand on heart, if this was your son, wouldn't you be pointing him elsewhere?

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 09:35

@category12 If my son's girlfriend was visiting him at weekends, I'd think he didn't like her much and was tight AF if he resented her using electric and water.

They're not living together yet. She pays half the food and dates.

I think I may have missed where resentment was shown by him of her using utilities. In fact, when she asked if he should pay for board during her 12 day stay over Xmas, he politely declined.

category12 · 11/02/2025 09:52

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 09:35

@category12 If my son's girlfriend was visiting him at weekends, I'd think he didn't like her much and was tight AF if he resented her using electric and water.

They're not living together yet. She pays half the food and dates.

I think I may have missed where resentment was shown by him of her using utilities. In fact, when she asked if he should pay for board during her 12 day stay over Xmas, he politely declined.

What are you getting at then in your devil's advocate post? What is he "feeling the strain" about and "nudging" her for?

TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 10:00

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 09:23

Playing devil's advocate, I would point out that nowhere in your answer do you deny that the girlfriend has some self development to do, too.

The boyfriend certainly needs to work on his communication skills but hand on heart, if this was your son, wouldn't you be pointing him elsewhere?

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I haven’t bought my son up to see finances nothing a short term relationship as transactional so it’s a moot point as is your other point about the girls development.

I haven’t mentioned a lot of things in my post - should I deny them as well?

category12 · 11/02/2025 10:20

Ohhh, it's that she doesn't have her own place that you have a problem with. @fraupaige

Maybe she lives with her parents as she's saving for a deposit etc. Maybe she has lived on her own or with a partner before and moved back.

I don't think paying rent to a private landlord would make her a more developed person.

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 10:24

category12 · 11/02/2025 09:52

What are you getting at then in your devil's advocate post? What is he "feeling the strain" about and "nudging" her for?

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The cost of dates with her on top of the costs of running a household.

Greenfencebrowntree · 11/02/2025 10:30

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 10:24

The cost of dates with her on top of the costs of running a household.

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If he can't afford to date (splitting bills and treat his own girlfriend for Valentine's) and pay his own household bills, then he needs to worry about his own development as an adult, not hers.

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 10:32

category12 · 11/02/2025 10:20

Ohhh, it's that she doesn't have her own place that you have a problem with. @fraupaige

Maybe she lives with her parents as she's saving for a deposit etc. Maybe she has lived on her own or with a partner before and moved back.

I don't think paying rent to a private landlord would make her a more developed person.

I don't have any problem with her at all. You may well be right about her saving for a deposit - but we have no information to confirm that. She may also be living at home due to being a part time carer for an ill family member - but again, no information to confirm or rule that out.

I'm merely inviting people to challenge themselves to see this from tma different perspective. It easy to simply revert to the bash-the-bloke script. Does nobody have sons or male siblings they get on with?

Snowmanscarf · 11/02/2025 10:34

“He has never once paid for anything for us as a pair, nor ever treated me to anything (even the smallest of things).”

I think that’s the key sentence. He has never treated her - never brought her coffee, flowers, a meal etc - there’s no courting going on.

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 10:37

Greenfencebrowntree · 11/02/2025 10:30

If he can't afford to date (splitting bills and treat his own girlfriend for Valentine's) and pay his own household bills, then he needs to worry about his own development as an adult, not hers.

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Oh how far we have regressed if in 2025 the way we judge a man is by his willingness to go all out on Valentines day.

category12 · 11/02/2025 10:40

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 10:24

The cost of dates with her on top of the costs of running a household.

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She alresdy pays for half their dates. Do you think a girlfriend of 3 months should be paying everything for their dates because he has a house? 🤔

If he can't afford dates at all, he probably shouldn't be dating. Or should say he can't afford things & agree not to go out or not have her over as much.

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 10:41

Snowmanscarf · 11/02/2025 10:34

“He has never once paid for anything for us as a pair, nor ever treated me to anything (even the smallest of things).”

I think that’s the key sentence. He has never treated her - never brought her coffee, flowers, a meal etc - there’s no courting going on.

I agree - and if you look up thread I've given my personal views on the fellow needing to improve his love language dramatically.

Donttellempike · 11/02/2025 10:45

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 08:41

Let's play devil's advocate and reframe this:

Your son graduated, landed a job, saved diligently, and bought a house. He's dating a nice woman, but she seems surprisingly unclear about household expenses. She thinks the small amount she gives her parents for room and board, plus the occasional candle gift for him, is comparable to the costs of a mortgage, council tax, utilities, and maintenance.

He's starting to have doubts and is feeling the financial strain so begins to nudge her.

Would you want him to settle down and start a family with someone so financially naive? Or would you advise him to find a partner who's financially independent, responsible, has her own place, and is comfortable splitting expenses, even on Valentine's Day - because she sees it as a day of mutual expression of affection, not a one-way street?

Are you the boyfriend?

FrauPaige · 11/02/2025 10:48

category12 · 11/02/2025 10:40

She alresdy pays for half their dates. Do you think a girlfriend of 3 months should be paying everything for their dates because he has a house? 🤔

If he can't afford dates at all, he probably shouldn't be dating. Or should say he can't afford things & agree not to go out or not have her over as much.

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No, playing devil's advocate means that I am putting forward a view that I do not hold.

He needs to improve his love language but she is not perfect either.

Perhaps you are right that they should communicate and talk about their relative financial positions and comfort zones and see if they can formulate a dating strategy that works.

Perhaps through that process they may find that they are incompatible.

But I would like us to agree that being hard up financially - and being stressed about it - does not a bad person make.