Stingy BF.. or is it me?!

[doctorlife]

I (27) have been 'official' with my boyfriend (31) for 3 months. Prior to this, we dated for 6 months. I live at home and pay rent. He has his own house (about 30 min drive away). I spent the weekends there (friday - sunday). We don't see each other during the week very often as I have a busy job which I work until 7pm most evenings and he lives 30 mins away and I often need to be in a place nearer me early in the morning (I work in schools).

We have always split everything 50/50. I paid for us to have a night away together a few months ago, we still split the meal we had in the evening / next day, etc. I often buy him random nice things for the house every so often (lovely diffusers, candles, etc). Every time we do a food shop together (for the weekend etc) I pay half. I often pay for us to have coffee together (I always pay for the both of us) as I am mindful I spend a lot of time there.

Recently, I feel he is snappy and possibly resentful of me. Over Xmas, I offered to pay him some money as I essentially lived there for 12 days (I did my own food shop, etc) and he said don't worry just 'buy more food for us'.

On the weekend, I asked what was wrong as it's clear he feels I don't pull my weight (had made a few comments over the weekend). He noted that he feels i am not 'proactive enough' and that he wants me to take more of the lead which includes doing the food shops prior to going to his house, for us. This was the day after I had gone out with a friend, asked him if he wanted anything from M&S and bought everything he wanted, for his dinner (not mine!).

I fear he may be stingy. We have a Valentines meal booked and he has already said 'we'll split that'. He has also insinuated that I buy a chest of drawers for his house. I take everything back home with me after every weekend as he has no storage at all, this is getting a bit draining and difficult and I'm basically living out of my car which is not manageable.

My issue / thoughts here is that I pay rent at home, spend a lot of money on petrol going back and forth (I don't mind!) and often treat us / buy him nice things. He has never once paid for anything for us as a pair, nor ever treated me to anything (even the smallest of things).

AMIBU here? Should I be more 'proactive' or forthcoming? I am doing my best in all honesty and sometimes I perhaps don't take the lead as I feel like a guest in his house and don't want to piss him off (he likes things a certain way, etc).

Thoughts please!!!!!

Mean with money, mean with love.
You are too kind, and he takes advantage.

He is clearly not the most charming fellow and has perhaps been spending above his comfort level for the duration of the relationship thus far. Now that you are official he is getting a little more complacent and the true self - the inner stinge - is showing itself.

Not a candidate for a family or fun times, on the information provided.

You can try a sit down talk with him about his finances and how you can tweak your routine to take the pressure off if he has redeeming qualities - but he needs to work on his love language.

I was with someone like this and it's a waste of time, especially if you are young when you have more chances of meeting someone who is right for you.
These are generally the men who don't "believe" in marriage as that means sharing and even sometimes putting the other person first or even wanting to make them happy. He probably imagined you wanting to take him for "all he's got" if he gives anything. It's so icky and unsexy.

Yah, no, this one is not a keeper. It will only get worse later on. I would just walk away.

There are worse things than a mean man, but not many in relationships. Why hamper yourself with this joyless individual? Half and half for Valentines Day? 😞

Oh no, he would be a nightmare to have children with. Definitely can do better.

Oh my God?! And women willingly have sex with these type of men? 😭

And the Mumsnet message boards are full of these types of scenarios. Situations in which women are f**d over by bastard stingy men, left, right and centre 💅🏻

I dont think ive ever paid on valentines day for anything related to a date!
Youre still in the beginning. If hes this tight with you now, how is he gonna be later when he doesnt feel like he has to win you over anymore.
I would never stay with someone who treated me like this. Find someone who appreciates you!

Valentines isn't a day for women, by men to spend on women. It's a day to show how much you love each other.

What's his financial situation like? Does he put the kettle on? Is he kind in other ways?

Honestly, why on earth are you still with this guy?? 🤦‍♀️ If this is what he is like now I dread to think what he’d be like longer term. I think you need to take a look at why your own judgement is so off the mark. Get rid, be happy.

Finish it and move on. It will only get worse

I’m pretty generous with my friends and I very much notice when individuals are not… it’s jarring. ( especially if they bang on about it). I would just say that he almost certainly doesn’t care about the candles etc that you are buying for his house - I suspect you’re finding it a bit spartan. If you stay with him I would quit buying that stuff because it’s not appreciated.

I went on a first (and last) date and the man brought a dog with him. The dog did a poo and he told me to go and get coffee for us while he cleaned it up - and he'd like some cake as well... He never offered to pay me back or pay half. I believe in fair shares, but that really put me off.

How long was he single @doctorlife ?
He has had his budget to suit only himself. Now he is dating, he is struggling to let go of his single man budget.
Nothing wrong with going 50/50! I wholeheartedly endorse it.

Stop with buying him 'nice things' or treating him. He is soaking it all up as some sort of right or entitlement. You are setting up future expectations.

You have noticed he is not buying you little things. That is because he doesn't see that he could. Not thinking of your feelings.

You are completely setting yourself up as the giver, time/money/gifts/effort.

He is loving it and sees your open purse and generosity as something to use and exploit(proof is the hint about the chest of drawers, space for an overnight bag is all that is needed)

How is he in public? Does he leave tips for meals? Treat shop staff well? Any stories about how someone 'cost him money' or 'he got his monies worth'

It is possible he could relax and settle into a mutual loving give and take relationship. Without a bill being presented. Possible but not likely.

You sound so much nicer than him and you deserve to be treated better.

Why are you even mulling this over. Say goodbye to the cheapskate. Is he helping you pay for transportation getting to his place. This is a ick. Run

It’s such an ugly character trait, and you can tell an awful lot about a stingy man which is not good.

I hope you leave him, you sound far too nice for him.

Stingy people don’t have an epiphany and become generous. It’ll never happen. Leave this guy in the dust.

He don’t get better because this isn’t just about splitting costs, he’s the worst type of penny pincher who keeps track of every transaction and makes sure he’s not owed a single quid.

Honestly it’s ones like this who but a fiver of petrol on and ask you for £2.50! He probably knows exactly who’s spent what for your entire relationship and makes sure he’s not a penny out of pocket.

End it. X

“This was the day after I had gone out with a friend”

Pay very close attention to this. This sound like subtle retraining to me. Go out with friend and the very next day he’s giving you problems. It’s only been 3 months official. This relationship doesn’t bode well for your future. Run OP. He’s not just tight, this makes me think he will be controlling.

I'm genuinely astonished by the number of replies expressing horror at splitting costs on Valentine's Day! If it's a day you celebrate, isn't the point to express your love and appreciation for each other? It's 2025, right? I'm all for treats and a little bit of spoiling but unless you've got plenty of disposable income, eating and drinking out is a whopping great expense!

I appreciate this element is only part of the potential issues here OP, but I wouldn't be ditching him for this reason.
Do you enjoy being with him? Do you both look forward to seeing each other? Are you happier in his company than not, and does he feel the same way?
Finance-related issues can be so toxic and only resolved with open communication. It may well turn out that he's the stingy tight-wad as so many have jumped to conclude, and stuff like the drawers is a little odd... But from what I've read he deserves a bit of a chance. Talk to the fella.
If you're on different pages, at least you'll know for sure and can move on, safe in that knowledge.

Mate, imagine having kids with him. This tit for tat will never end.

My husband is his age and would never expect me to split a valentine's day meal.

He sounds mean & you should dump him.

However anyone who suggests that they are contributing in any way by buying ‘lovely diffusers’ is completely unreasonable, and he should dump you.

He thinks he is doing you a favour by dating you. You will never be happy with this man. I would "scale back " and reconsider this relationship.