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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To ask if this is normal?

102 replies

libradogg · 10/02/2025 08:38

Name changed for this as could be outing.

I was chatting to my best friend last night, and she highlighted something she didn't think was normal in a marriage, and I'm curious to see what others think!

For context, I have a car that's fairly old and done lots of miles, my husband has a company car - of which I'm not insured to drive.

We have been doing our house up for the last couple of years and are finally at a stage where we can do our bedroom. I suggested we go to ikea to have a look at some storage options. Long story short we decided to go in his car as it's a 3 hour round trip and would rather put the mileage on his rather than mine. We had a nice morning out with DC and chose some pax wardrobes.

This morning DH said he'd put £50 petrol in his car so if I'd like to transfer him some money for it I'm welcome to.

It's also not the first time this has happened, before I drove he used to ask me to pay towards petrol if he took me anywhere (very occasionally).

Is this normal? We usually pay for our petrol from our personal accounts, and never charge him if I'm driving anywhere...

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 08:42

Oh come on op

it’s not “normal” to me. Far far from normal in fact!

but it’s “normal” for you. Although I’m guessing.., it’s not a a “normal” you’re especially happy with hence the mumsnet thread

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 08:43

I’m on the edge of me seat… you don’t say how you responded to his “you’re welcome to…”

by any chance were you telling your friend this story because you’re pissed off about it?

DaringLion · 10/02/2025 08:43

Not normal in my house ,never has been .Is he always this tight?

Alalalala · 10/02/2025 08:43

Yeah it’s weird! Inviting you to contribute huh? 😂 You’re married so everything is shared - it seems odd that things are so separate between you financially. But - if it works for you both, whose business is it to judge? If you’re both happy with it, crack on.

Original poster
libradogg · 10/02/2025 08:43

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 08:42

Oh come on op

it’s not “normal” to me. Far far from normal in fact!

but it’s “normal” for you. Although I’m guessing.., it’s not a a “normal” you’re especially happy with hence the mumsnet thread

No I don't think it's normal, but has always been our situation. My best friend thinks it's controlling and I wouldn't ever describe my DH as that, so genuinely interested in other people's opinions

OP posts:
DUsername · 10/02/2025 08:44

That's insane. I don't know what else to add honestly.

Ladiz · 10/02/2025 08:44

No. It’s petty and transactional. You were buying something both of you will benefit from.

Original poster
libradogg · 10/02/2025 08:45

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 08:43

I’m on the edge of me seat… you don’t say how you responded to his “you’re welcome to…”

by any chance were you telling your friend this story because you’re pissed off about it?

Edited

I am, if it was just a trip for me perhaps not but it benefits the both of us.
I laughed - he was serious! Despite me paying for most of the Xmas presents this year 🙃

OP posts:
SushiWarrior · 10/02/2025 08:45

Its weird to me, but then me and DH only have a joint bank account so we share everything (which I’m aware doesn’t suit everyone, but it works for us)

ShouldIEvenBother · 10/02/2025 08:45

So your money is yours and his, whereas his money is just for him. Hardly fair on you is it, and presumably the man is not thick so he's fully aware he gets a free ride when it's your car but his own car is paid for petrol-wise by the 2 of you.

He's taking the piss.

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 08:48

libradogg · 10/02/2025 08:45

I am, if it was just a trip for me perhaps not but it benefits the both of us.
I laughed - he was serious! Despite me paying for most of the Xmas presents this year 🙃

Show quote history

So you know it’s not “normal”

and you’re unhappy about it

so you’re thread is presumably about…. Well, I’m guessing that maybe this is the tip of the iceberg of an unhappy marriage

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 08:48

ok so you “laughed”

and his response?

ShouldIEvenBother · 10/02/2025 08:49

libradogg · 10/02/2025 08:45

I am, if it was just a trip for me perhaps not but it benefits the both of us.
I laughed - he was serious! Despite me paying for most of the Xmas presents this year 🙃

Show quote history

Tell him you'll work out what his share of the Christmas presents is and see how much of your share of the petrol money it knocks off. I'm guessing he'll actually still end up being the one owing you money OP. What an arse he is.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 10/02/2025 08:49

Mean, controlling and transactional. Marriage should be about wanting the best for the other person, kindness and generosity. Otherwise you can start to say “Well I paid for X” titfortat and it all gets really petty. Is there no joint account? Do you trust each other?

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 08:51

Do you both work?
who paid for the furniture items? And lunch out?
are there other issues?

TeenLifeMum · 10/02/2025 08:52

Tell him you’ll take it off what he owes for Christmas presents and he still offers x amount.

i couldn’t live like that.

Glorybox2025 · 10/02/2025 08:52

He sounds like a clueless idiot to me. Or a calculating pisstaker.

Sampler · 10/02/2025 08:53

He’s tight and hasn’t got great critical thinking skills.

pinkfondu · 10/02/2025 08:54

I hate this attitude of his money. Op you kill this by for a start asking for the Xmas present money.

Ariesburn · 10/02/2025 08:54

I've never understood why this happens when you are with someone/married you are a team and all of the money is for everyone.

To ask you for petrol is no normal I would tell him to fuck off but that's me, you BOTH went out together and used his car and got something for BOTH of you too use in BOTH of your home/bedroom.

I find a lot of these posts where long term partners/ married men and women want money back for something.

TheSandgroper · 10/02/2025 08:54

Unless you are so much on the bones of your arse that every penny is budgeted for, you have a mean husband.

I suppose you pay for the car registration and insurance for your old banger and have always done while, well, someone else pays for his?

If you had taken yours, would he have said “just stop at a petrol station and I will top you up a bit”?

Original poster
libradogg · 10/02/2025 08:56

Yes we both work, him full time and I work a part time employed job and part time self employed.
We have a joint account for mortgage, bills and shopping etc but have personal accounts for our own spending.

We pay for most things jointly, one of us might treat the other to a takeaway or meal out every now and again but otherwise everything is split equally

OP posts:
Lovelysummerdays · 10/02/2025 08:57

I think having seperate accounts only works if you are both fair. It seems like you pay for joint stuff and don’t expect to be reimbursed. He pays for joint stuff and wants half. You either need to start charging him his half when you spend money. Or he stops getting you to pay when he spends money.

Original poster
libradogg · 10/02/2025 08:58

Thanks everyone for your replies so far, and helping me to realise this isn't normal!

Can I ask, would this be classed as controlling behaviour or is he just an arse?

OP posts:
hattie43 · 10/02/2025 08:59

Your OH wants petrol money , of course it's not normal