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Original poster

To ask if this is normal?

102 replies

libradogg · 10/02/2025 08:38

Name changed for this as could be outing.

I was chatting to my best friend last night, and she highlighted something she didn't think was normal in a marriage, and I'm curious to see what others think!

For context, I have a car that's fairly old and done lots of miles, my husband has a company car - of which I'm not insured to drive.

We have been doing our house up for the last couple of years and are finally at a stage where we can do our bedroom. I suggested we go to ikea to have a look at some storage options. Long story short we decided to go in his car as it's a 3 hour round trip and would rather put the mileage on his rather than mine. We had a nice morning out with DC and chose some pax wardrobes.

This morning DH said he'd put £50 petrol in his car so if I'd like to transfer him some money for it I'm welcome to.

It's also not the first time this has happened, before I drove he used to ask me to pay towards petrol if he took me anywhere (very occasionally).

Is this normal? We usually pay for our petrol from our personal accounts, and never charge him if I'm driving anywhere...

OP posts:
Original poster
libradogg · 10/02/2025 10:28

Tumbler2121 · 10/02/2025 10:24

When you say you aren’t insured to drive his company car … I’ve never heard of a partner not being able to drive a company car. It sounds as though he holds this over you that he has to drive or give lifts … and charge you for petrol.

I've an auto license his car is manual

OP posts:
Mischance · 10/02/2025 10:28

libradogg · 10/02/2025 09:08

We have 2.

I'm not sure I can to be honest. I haven't paid him, and I'll be totting up how much he owes me for Xmas ready for when he asks for the money again, which I'm sure he will.

Show quote history

I am sorry you are in this difficult situation. You can't be totting things up like this all the time. It is no way to live.

Can you sit him down and try and sort this? Most marriages, whilst some allow for individual pots of spending money, are based on sharing finances, on trust and teamwork.

My late OH and I simply had joint accounts - neither of us had separate accounts of any sort, and we just trusted each other to spend wisely, and consulted over planned major outlays. It would never have occurred to us to do it differently. I know that is one end of a spectrum of acceptable options, but what you have is not workable and is causing you distress.

I hope you manage to sort this in some way.

NeedsMustNet · 10/02/2025 10:29

It’s very unsexy to charge you for petrol he also benefits from. Surely you earn less than he does anyway, if you work PT?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2025 10:30

Think your best friend is right actually re he being controlling. I would also urge you to read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

What is your own definition of controlling?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?. If one of your children now adult came to you and said this about their relationship what would your thoughts and reactions be?.

Mischance · 10/02/2025 10:30

I would not get into a tit for tat over the Christmas presents. That's not a route that will bring peace. It needs a more fundamental discussion I think.

NeedsMustNet · 10/02/2025 10:33

libradogg · 10/02/2025 09:10

Years ago we had a joint account of which my wages were paid in to, I found out some months down the line that he had a personal account and he paid in what was needed and kept the rest. I moved my money straight out and that's why it's been separate ever since.

Show quote history

This is more worrying from a controlling POV. That you had what you thought was a joint account - only it had all your cash in and just some of his. And he wasn’t upfront about that.

Original poster
libradogg · 10/02/2025 13:21

Thank you everyone, thanks for helping me see this isn't normal behaviour!

OP posts:
jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/02/2025 13:41

It sounds like this can be resolved with a reasonable discussion over finances. Good luck, OP.

astl · 10/02/2025 13:50

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2025 10:30

Think your best friend is right actually re he being controlling. I would also urge you to read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

What is your own definition of controlling?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?. If one of your children now adult came to you and said this about their relationship what would your thoughts and reactions be?.

I agree he sounds like a bit of a dick and I'd find it a massive massive turn off.

However, what part do you see as controlling?

cheeseontoasteez · 10/02/2025 13:50

How far is it to Ikea from your home? That’s a very expensive trip to the shop!

He's an absolute knob and I would not entertain him for one second!

Barryplopper · 10/02/2025 13:55

I'd show him this thread, it's absolutely not normal for your partner to ask you to pay for petrol after you've both been out in the car together? Is he a tight arse usually? Really wierd to behave like this with someone you have children with

deeahgwitch · 10/02/2025 14:46

TeenLifeMum · 10/02/2025 08:52

Tell him you’ll take it off what he owes for Christmas presents and he still offers x amount.

i couldn’t live like that.

This.

I was gobsmacked recently when an acquaintance told me she would never buy food that appealed to her at a market or the like to take home as her dh buys the food in their house and she couldn't be arsd to ask him for the money back, it wasn't worth the hassle for a fiver/tenner. So she never* buys food.
Weird.

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 15:16

libradogg · 10/02/2025 13:21

Thank you everyone, thanks for helping me see this isn't normal behaviour!

But given you laughed In response, I’m guessing that his suggestion you contribute for petrol came totally out of the blue and not something he’s suggested before? But presumably you’ve been hundred/ / thousands of times in his car?!

and the key is how he responded to you laughing but you’ve “forgotten”

Horationor · 10/02/2025 15:16

Ooh! Married a very long time here and we split everything cost wise. I know my friends find it odd but it works for us.
But, if we did a trip like this, one would pay fuel, the other lunch or something like that. It works itself out.
I wouldn't expect or accept that. It's very petty.

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 15:19

Horationor · 10/02/2025 15:16

Ooh! Married a very long time here and we split everything cost wise. I know my friends find it odd but it works for us.
But, if we did a trip like this, one would pay fuel, the other lunch or something like that. It works itself out.
I wouldn't expect or accept that. It's very petty.

Do you earn very similar? Any children?

DelphiniumBlue · 10/02/2025 15:32

Of course it's not normal. Neither is it fair.. if you were an acquaintance he wouldn't ask you for half of the £50 because it didn't cost £50 for the drive.
But it doesn't make sense anyway..what if you'd said, " You go to IKEA and check out the storeage options and I'll stay at home"? Would he then expect you not to contribute because you hadn't been in the car?
This is nuts between husband and wife. You shouldn't have to split things 50:50 if you work part-time and therefore earn less ( presumably to facilitate childcare). I agree, meaness is a very unattractive trait.

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 15:37

Plus what’s happened all the other times when the op has been in his car!!! I guess we shall never knew

Horationor · 10/02/2025 16:22

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 15:19

Do you earn very similar? Any children?

Show quote history

Yes similar earnings, although OH earns more now as I reduced my hours, as I wanted to cut back on work.

No children.

We wouldn't see each other short and don't keep track too closely, but it works well for us.

We total what the monthly bills are and each pay half. That way there's no conflict if I want to spend on something and vice versa.

I would hate to have disparity and have to consult on my spending.

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 16:25

Horationor · 10/02/2025 16:22

Yes similar earnings, although OH earns more now as I reduced my hours, as I wanted to cut back on work.

No children.

We wouldn't see each other short and don't keep track too closely, but it works well for us.

We total what the monthly bills are and each pay half. That way there's no conflict if I want to spend on something and vice versa.

I would hate to have disparity and have to consult on my spending.

Show quote history

I think no children is the key bit of info

having children and having the scenario the op outlines is unfathomable to those of us with children

but pre children, I certainly did have split finances with my husband and earned similar

Beautiful123 · 10/02/2025 16:34

I've jumped on this post because my take on this is that everyone has their own situations and what works for them. However I do think OP that asking for money towards petrol when in his car is going too far.
Mine and husband's situation is that he has a company vehicle which comes with free fuel. My car we pay for between us as in PCP. I cover the fuel but generally because he gets free fuel we generally go everywhere in his car. I'd tell him to do one if he asked for money towards this.

anonny55 · 10/02/2025 16:35

Just sounds tight of him if anything.

I didn't drive for years and DH had to make the 2hr round trip every few days to see me before we lived together and he never asked for petrol money! Or ever since then - he even pays to fill my car sometimes🫣

paintfairy · 10/02/2025 16:54

Not normal. Sometimes I use DHs car (cheaper on fuel than mine) to nip somewhere and he never asks for fuel! If I'm going miles I'll shove some in. But he would never ask.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/02/2025 17:41

No it's not normal. For the past 25 years my DH has taken my car to fill it up for me every Sunday evening and has never asked for penny.

mindutopia · 10/02/2025 20:29

Not normal in a marriage, but yes, between friends, housemates, colleagues.

Dh has a work van (it’s his business) and mostly pays for his fuel out of his business account, though I imagine he does pay sometimes from personal account. We do use his van for some family trips.

My car is the ‘family car’ that we use for daily family use, school runs, taking dc to activities, days out, holidays, etc. The payment and fuel generally always comes from our joint account as I rarely use it for my own personal use, so would be unfair if I was paying for all the fuel. We pay into our account proportional to our incomes.

Dh would absolutely never ask me for fuel money. He earns very well and there is no need, but if he did, he’d just pay with our joint account, like he would for a food shop.

outerspacepotato · 10/02/2025 20:41

You shouldn't be paying for gas for his company car.

What is up with the tightwad guys today?