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Original poster

To ask if this is normal?

102 replies

libradogg · 10/02/2025 08:38

Name changed for this as could be outing.

I was chatting to my best friend last night, and she highlighted something she didn't think was normal in a marriage, and I'm curious to see what others think!

For context, I have a car that's fairly old and done lots of miles, my husband has a company car - of which I'm not insured to drive.

We have been doing our house up for the last couple of years and are finally at a stage where we can do our bedroom. I suggested we go to ikea to have a look at some storage options. Long story short we decided to go in his car as it's a 3 hour round trip and would rather put the mileage on his rather than mine. We had a nice morning out with DC and chose some pax wardrobes.

This morning DH said he'd put £50 petrol in his car so if I'd like to transfer him some money for it I'm welcome to.

It's also not the first time this has happened, before I drove he used to ask me to pay towards petrol if he took me anywhere (very occasionally).

Is this normal? We usually pay for our petrol from our personal accounts, and never charge him if I'm driving anywhere...

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 10/02/2025 09:20

And no, it's absolutely not normal.

I had to get lifts from a colleague not so long ago as I didn't have a car and even he didn't ask me for petrol money. AND he refused when I tried to pay him anyway (obviously I did give him money but not without him putting up a fight).

astl · 10/02/2025 09:21

I think it's mean, tight arsed, unattractive.....can think of plenty of words to describe it and he's come across as a complete dick.

So I'm not defending him at all.

However, there's nothing in your post the seems "controlling" - not to me anyway. Unless there's more background or context.

Its interesting if that's the word your friend used as it's maybe part of a wider situation she's picking up on

Discombobble · 10/02/2025 09:21

It would probably be cheaper to get IKEA to deliver

bellocchild · 10/02/2025 09:22

"I laughed - he was serious! Despite me paying for most of the Xmas presents this year"
You could try billing him for this, or at least offsetting it?

TY78910 · 10/02/2025 09:22

I mean... do you ask him for petrol money if you give him a lift in your car?

I didn't drive for majority of my relationship with DP and so he would drop me here there and everywhere and never asked for a penny. Even numerous times if he had to pick my family up from the airport etc.

Nowadays we have a joint account so it's all our money anyway but we never queried who pays for what, we would take turns paying for things when going out in the early days and then as soon as we moved in together everything became joint.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/02/2025 09:24

We wouldn't do it for petrol but do split the cost of other things as our joint account is just for regular outgoings and food.

mrsm43s · 10/02/2025 09:24

Surely the money for the joint trip should come out of the joint account? Or otherwise be split between you.

It seems to me that you are expecting him to pay the full cost of the trip, and he's expecting you to pay the full cost of the trip. It was a joint trip, the cost should be split equally.

It's an odd set up you have with finances, which is why it comes across as transactional. But if you've both agreed that you have mainly separate finances, then inevitably that will happen and you have to transfer money over to pay for joint things.

I'm not sure that you expecting him to fully pay for the costs of the joint trip without contributing is the moral high ground you seem to think it is. £50 seems more than your half share of the cost of a 3 hour drive though.

healthybychristmas · 10/02/2025 09:25

£50 for petrol! I can't believe this, he was going anyway! Is he charging you at HMRC rates so that he thinks you have to pay for wear and tear on his car even though it's a company car?

I think if you wrote down a more detailed list of what's going on financially you'd realise he's massively taking advantage of you.

Floranan · 10/02/2025 09:27

libradogg · 10/02/2025 09:10

Years ago we had a joint account of which my wages were paid in to, I found out some months down the line that he had a personal account and he paid in what was needed and kept the rest. I moved my money straight out and that's why it's been separate ever since.

Show quote history

Let this be a lesson to you !, I was all for saying you need to follow my DH and I my sons and DIL’S have and agree it works well, everything into one account all salaries everything, bills etc out of this account including basic clothes etc. what’s left each month we decided how much into a savings account (joint) the rest split 50/50 into our own account to pay for extras nice toiletries/ hair/posh in-needed cloths etc.

I saved mine and had a nice amount when DH found out he suggested I put some of it towards the new hall flooring !, he never suggested it again.

the fact the he had a joint account and a second secret one in his name rings alarm bells. Our way will only work if you are completely honest with each other.

another point is. If it’s a company car, doesn’t he get a petrol allowance? I know it was a personal journey, but I bet he plays with the figures and claims some of it back.

RandomUserName96 · 10/02/2025 09:34

If you had gone in your car, wouldn't have sent you some money for fuel?

GoldMoon · 10/02/2025 09:40

Wow , I don't even put fuel in my own car , my dh like yours is ft , and I'm pt .
We have a joint a/c which his money goes into , all bills are paid from that including food . I have a card for it.
I have my own a/c , and the only bill I pay is the council tax , I don't even pay my mobile bill.
Maybe I'm the one , who's grabby . We've always done it like this.

Coconutter24 · 10/02/2025 09:40

I bet if you look at the fuel gauge he didn’t use all that £50 worth of fuel on a trip, yeh it was a 3 hour round trip but he certainly won’t of used £50!

I wouldn’t pay then just remind him how much you spent on Christmas gifts for the children (I’m assuming they are yours and his?) split the number 50/50 then offer to take the fuel ‘you owe’ off that and let him know how much he can transfer you. It’s petty but will hopefully make him realise how petty he is being. He is an incredibly mean with money man from what you have said, expecting you to transfer your wages in to a joint account whilst he takes some of his to a personal account for himself. I’m glad you saw that situation and changed it!!

Salmonleaping · 10/02/2025 09:45

A separate account? Hello miser.
Asking you for money for a journey which benefitted both of you? Hello miser again asking you to boost his fund.
That tight wad should receive some verbal whiplash.

Astrabees · 10/02/2025 09:45

We have separate finances and two cars. I try to ensure it is fair. If I drive us one day he will do the next. If we go on a very long journey, say we went to Cornwall or Scotland I would pay for the petrol for the outward journey and he would fill the car up before we came home. Neither of us would expect petrol money for short or medium journeys.

Clomid100 · 10/02/2025 09:46

What kind of car does he drive that it took £50 to drive 3 hours? I done around 3.5 hours of driving yesterday starting with a full tank of petrol. It only used a quarter of a tank and to fill my car cost £52.... he is wanting you to solely pay for the petrol used.

Favouritefruits · 10/02/2025 09:47

Yeh that’s definitely not normal 😬 but then again you’d probably think me and my husband are strange sharing a bank account and not having our own private money. Each to their own and if your both happy, crack on!

Tiswa · 10/02/2025 09:48

Marriage is key here - if you want to have separate finances etc (and there are many good reasons to do so) why get married why join everything together legally and still need to invoice the other.

Miaowzabella · 10/02/2025 09:52

I hope you told him he was welcome to go fuck himself.

ItGhoul · 10/02/2025 09:56

Your husband charges you petrol money for a trip to IKEA?

Fucking hell. That would make my fanny reflexively snap shut like a clam whenever I sensed his presence in my vicinity.

IAmTheLittleThings · 10/02/2025 10:06

Sounds like my ex. Whole family of male misers.
Very unattractive.
Keep laughing, stops you crying 🌼

OhBow · 10/02/2025 10:07

So is he basically good to you, except regarding money?

If so, I'd insist on marriage counselling to talk about money specifically, so he can see how he's behaving.

Because this is horribly unkind and unloving.

Edited to add: he may have developed a fear/paranoia about money from his early years, that needs exploring.

pontipinemum · 10/02/2025 10:21

It's not normal and very stingy. I couldn't imagine living like that.

Because my DH is a farmer we do keep finances separate because all his money (bar what I get him to transfer to the joint) gets swallowed whole by the farm. We don't charge each other for things though.

I don't like that you said he was hiding money to begin with. There is something there, he is either just really stingy or something makes him need his own security. I have my own savings account which DH can't access but he does know about.

Tumbler2121 · 10/02/2025 10:24

When you say you aren’t insured to drive his company car … I’ve never heard of a partner not being able to drive a company car. It sounds as though he holds this over you that he has to drive or give lifts … and charge you for petrol.

coldscottishmum · 10/02/2025 10:26

I do find this quite strange. Do you have similar incomes and share bills? DH is a higher earner and he pays for fuel for our cars and his work van. He’s never charged me petrol money, especially if we’re going together!

Iloveeverycat · 10/02/2025 10:27

Charging for petrol is not normal. If we are going for a long trip in my car my DH wiil pay for the petrol not me.

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