To ask if this is normal?

[libradogg]

Name changed for this as could be outing.

I was chatting to my best friend last night, and she highlighted something she didn't think was normal in a marriage, and I'm curious to see what others think!

For context, I have a car that's fairly old and done lots of miles, my husband has a company car - of which I'm not insured to drive.

We have been doing our house up for the last couple of years and are finally at a stage where we can do our bedroom. I suggested we go to ikea to have a look at some storage options. Long story short we decided to go in his car as it's a 3 hour round trip and would rather put the mileage on his rather than mine. We had a nice morning out with DC and chose some pax wardrobes.

This morning DH said he'd put £50 petrol in his car so if I'd like to transfer him some money for it I'm welcome to.

It's also not the first time this has happened, before I drove he used to ask me to pay towards petrol if he took me anywhere (very occasionally).

Is this normal? We usually pay for our petrol from our personal accounts, and never charge him if I'm driving anywhere...

No that’s not normal at all.

Op when you laughed in response, what was his response?

that is quite important

He's a class A twat!

I would have said no thanks 🤣

You have kids together but he's.l charging you petrol money? That's so weird

Have you paid it or told him to go forth and multiply?
I am assuming you don't have chidlren? - if that is the case I would keep it that way.
Cheeky bugger - how can you bear to live with someone who thinks in this way?

I can't actually remember, I was to taken aback that I thought he was joking!

I wouldn't say it's controlling. Just tight and as someone else pointed out really transactional.

I couldn't find a man like that attractive personally.

How does the financial split work and the childcare/cleaning split?

We have 2.

I'm not sure I can to be honest. I haven't paid him, and I'll be totting up how much he owes me for Xmas ready for when he asks for the money again, which I'm sure he will.

Presumably you’ve been in his car hundreds, thousands of times…. And he always asks for petrol money?

Having fully separate finances as a married couple with kids is weird full stop. I get that there are some couples who have a joint account for shared expenses plus separate 'fun money' accounts - that wouldn't work for me, but each to their own. But keeping everything separate is just bizarre - and sounds like hard work. We just have one joint account that all our pay goes into. Is there a reason why you have separate finances? How do you work out your mortgage, bills, food etc?

Childcare is split, cleaning - he does all the washing and cooking, I do the rest, he may run the hoover around and will clean the bathroom
If I ask him to. He's pretty good around the house usually and is a great dad

Well that’s important op

so how has it been left?

its weird you don’t remember how he responded to you laughing. Has he accepted it happily that it means you won’t pay?

Years ago we had a joint account of which my wages were paid in to, I found out some months down the line that he had a personal account and he paid in what was needed and kept the rest. I moved my money straight out and that's why it's been separate ever since.

Whatever works for you. A couple I know have been together for over thirty years and don't cook for each other. They buy and cook their own food.

@Bestthriller probably not! He will expect me to pay and I won't be doing so!

£50 worth of petrol in my car would be about 450 miles, no trip to IKEA is worth that sort of journey!

Op this is all weird

weird you don’t remember how he responded to you laughing and what’s happened since then

weird that you’ve presumably been in his car many many many many many times…. And he asks every time? Sometimes?

So since then…. What’s the atmosphere been like? So you laughed and what… nothing more has been said since then? How do you know he was being serious then?

and if you laughed In surprise… I’m guessing this hasn’t happened before

So then what will happen....?

Crikey no never, ever has a man said that when he’s driven me somewhere, be it my ex or a bf.

This is not normal for me no. But then we are the other end of the spectrum and share everything - salaries paid to same account and it’s never needed to be discussed. Large purchases if only for one person eg going on a stag/hen do are just flagged as courtesy but never queried.

You share your life, home, kids (?), furniture… but transfer money back and forth for random shit, or only petrol? I’d have to sit him down. What’s the end goal here? If you end up with different amounts for retirement, what happens? If one of you can afford a holiday but the other couldn’t, what happens? If you break your neck and can’t work, what happens?

who is paying for the Pax (peace!) wardrobes?

Wow, now this is important! If he thinks it’s ok to keep money back for himself IN SECRET then that’s a huge flag.
have a look at your relationship as a whole, if this incident with the petrol was a one off you wouldn’t be posting on here I’m sure

I found out some months down the line that he had a personal account and he paid in what was needed and kept the rest.

oh for goodness sakes