My body...

[SundayMorningMusing]

OK.

I'm 50. Size 12 and with the usual wobbles and body insecurities.

I'm quite curvy in the sense that I have boobs, a waist and hips but my boobs really aren't what they once were and my bum has always been bigger and rounder than I'd like, my tummy is a bit wobbly and i have a c section scar with all the joys that brings... my proportions haven't really changed since my early 20s whether I've been a 10 or a 16.

I've never felt attractive, never felt sexy, never felt quite 'good enough'. Always felt I've been compared unfavourably to other women over the years - firstly, by my mum, then by men and, eventually, by myself...

I don't think I've ever dated anyone who hasn't made a critical observation about my body or my shape either directly; by telling me that, if I tried, I could be attractive; or just by their silence and/or appreciative comments about other women who look nothing like me.

And now here I am. That acceptance and body confidence that I read about other women achieving just hasn't happened for me. And faking the confidence hasn't worked because its when I've felt I looked my best or been my most confident that the criticisms/comments have been more forthcoming.

Anyway. I'm in a relationship and we've been together for around 3 and a half years. It was fine to begin with but those old insecurities are really rearing their head at the moment and I need a bit of guidance.

I know that he would like me to wear 'sexy' underwear. Nothing trashy - just nice lingerie. But I can't. I feel foolish, enormous and that it would just highlight my imperfections. I'd feel slef conscious. I'm sure he'd appreciate the effort but I feel uncomfortable at the idea of comforming to a stereotype and then disappointing because it would still only be me wearing it.

But I do wonder of I could feel differntly about it. I've bought stockings before. But they're languishing in my top drawer unused and unseen because I'm 5'3 and they look ridiculous, cut into my thighs and look the absolute opposite of sexy. Suspender belts just highlight my large lily white arse. And then I remember this and wonder why I'm even posting and put my oodie back on and sit under a blanket on the sofa.

Any words of wisdom?

enormous

No offence but on what planet is a size 12 enormous?

The vast majority of women don't have perfect bodies and even supermodels can feel insecure.

Life is very short and it's time to let go of those negative feelings about yourself. Self confidence is very attractive.

Can you work on your self esteem? The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is good. Perhaps get some therapy to process your past. Learn to love yourself.

firstly, by my mum

The crux of the matter, it seems.

I feel like I should just leave being attractive/desirable to other women and finally accept what I've always been told I am - just not quite good enough. Maybe almost. But just not quite...

But that just makes me feel awful and so that's not working for me either.

Is there a halfway house? So not necessarily full on glam /porn star? So matching underwear, full coverage tops - like a tanki top, trunks rather than thongs, long silkie nighties, slinky dressing gown, beach wrap thing, nice pair of PJs. So something you are comfy in and covers up your insecurities. You might feel a tad awkward if you and they arent used to you ' dressing up' but it might be worth a go - valentines day is coming up after all!

Some will say you should just remain as you are and it's tough if they aren't totally appreciative but if they aren't (presumably) pestering you to change it might be worth an experiment!

I've bought stockings before. But they're languishing in my top drawer unused and unseen because I'm 5'3 and they look ridiculous, cut into my thighs and look the absolute opposite of sexy. Suspender belts just highlight my large lily white arse

Sexy doesn't have to include stockings and a suspender belt. If they're not comfortable or flattering, forget about them.

There are plenty of underwear sets or teddies or whatever that can be sexy.

As for lily white arse - get a decent fake tan (?)

And I thought most men preferred large arses to flat arses.

Thank you.

But I did work on my self esteem and got to a place where I felt pretty good about myself for the first time ever about 10 years ago.

And the criticisms continued and,.if anything, increased. Men seemed to be affronted that I thought I was good enough as I was.

It was the only time I was criticised by strangers rather than just the men I dated. Because, apparently, people.can see confidence.

And it was pretty tenuous. I'd really just decided not to hide myself away.

finally accept what I've always been told I am - just not quite good enough

By your Mum?

Thanks. No, no pestering. But it has been mentioned in the past/early days.

I already do wear matching underwear. And fairly nice stuff (eg lace/silk) but it isn't 'sexy', I suppose l, when it's my everyday stuff because it's not been noticed even when it's new or I've worn it to bed.

I feel like my boobs are too 'deflated' and my bun too big for nice silky nighties. They just hang awkwardly on me.

It's not like I haven't tried some of these things already. I just always seem to fail and fall short of the mark. I don't look sexy and I don't feel sexy.

Does your current partner ever compliment your appearance? Has he ever done anything to make you feel unattractive?

If he's like others in your past, then I'd leave - you deserve someone who finds you attractive as you are.

If from an early age you've been told you're not good enough then obviously it's going to be difficult to overcome those feelings. Counselling?

If he's appreciative of your looks, you could just try dressing up - if that's something you'd like to try. Size 12 is not enormous. Few people have "perfect" bodies, whatever that means. People find different bodies attractive - you don't have to look like a supermodel to be attractive or worthy.

All of them.

But yes, I already knew by the time I was a teenager that men wouldn't find me attractive and then had individual body parts highlighted to explain why.

Well this isn’t going to work as a life plan

There’s no reason you should wear sexy undies if you don’t want to - but thinking you aren’t attractive when by your description you are, and expecting to be able to accept that, is never going to fly

There is some body dysmorphia - you must know size 12 is slimish not enormous, that suspenders cutting it is just that they aren’t the right size for you, and that - even if you don’t like your bum - a generous round arse is pretty likely to appeal to your partner

Some sessions with a therapist would be helpful, but if that’s not possible do some reading

In the kindest way, you are too old and too intelligent to just swallow your low self esteem as fact, you know it isn’t.

because its when I've felt I looked my best or been my most confident that the criticisms/comments have been more forthcoming.

Who said what?

Some men are absolute arseholes. (And women). Comment on things that noone should comment on. Usually rather oblivious to their own short comings as well.

I've had a friend's husband make a negative unsolicited comment on my frame/figure (too skinny).

I wasn't saying "you're myopic, you look like you're permanently squinting, your arms make you look like a gorilla" to him.... In spite of those being the case .... because I would never do that, because I'm not a dumb ass arsehole.

Also I'm not his type physically, I don't care. You won't be everyone's type physically. His type is fairly big boobs, don't give a fuck about the rest but want something to hold on to. His wife has that and is pear shaped m.

My h's least favourite physical shape in women is pear shapedness. His favourite celebs physically are Sophie Anderson, Charlize Theron, Sharon Stone and various tall, thin, athletic, angular women.

Your partner probably likes your body type.

You don't need to worry about dumb ass arseholes.

Why is your esteem tied up in what you look like in underwear? I quickly stopped with all the underwear bollocks as if you keep in on it just stops the nice skin on skin feel, yet if you take if off, it comes off quickly and then you’ve just wasted a small fortune on something that stayed on for 5 mins.

Stop obsessing with what you look like in underwear and just be ok with being naked.

Well you had an excuse for believing what a parent said when you were a child and teenager, but (sorry to be blunt) you don't have an excuse to believe it now.

Ever occurred to you that your Mum is not infallible??

Men like all sorts of physical and personality characteristics...as do women ...so your Mum is perhaps a bit silly?

And by silly, I'm being very kind.

Many people catch the odd arsehole but you were drawn to them, because being criticised felt safe and familiar from your mum, I imagine

And then this non-representative sample of men appeared to confirm what she’d tried to get you to believe as fact

anyway - it’s time to address all this - with a therapist if you can or just by reading - very low self esteem is very teenage, it’s no way to live in later life

I don't know.

He has told me I'm beautiful and that he loves my shape.

But he also suggested once that I dress up like a famous woman he's fancied since his teens, suggested I should wear "what she's wearing" when 'she' has been 25 years younger than me or commented that someone was sexy when he's never referred to me that way. Physically, I'm very different to them and women he's dated before.

I told him I didn't like it and that it just made me feel I wasn't good enough for him. He assured me that I'm everything he's ever wanted in every respect and hasn't done it again but it really dented my confidence and now i cant get it put of my head. He doesn't compliment me, no.

There's no point in thinking about what I deserve instead because 32 years of adulthood have shown me that this is just the way I'm seen.

It doesn't matter if I'm loved or whether it's just a short term fling. Physically, I'm just not attractive to men.

that suspenders cutting it is just that they aren’t the right size for you

Hold up stockings cut into even the skinniest of thighs.

Only soft, stretchy non hold up ones don't.

Physically, I'm just not attractive to men.

Your partner says he's attracted to you, acts like he's attracted to you, and is in a presumably exclusive relationship with you.

Is he not a man?

you’re missing the point

The OP’s issues are such that being naked or in underwear are equally challenging for her and need to be worked on either way - she cannot wave a magic wand and be OK with either. (Apart from that some people like fancy underwear, and nothing wrong with that)

OP the world is full of men with overinflated opinions of themselves. I doubt any of those men resembled Brad Pitt.

Yes, some men are affronted by a confident woman. Too many; one in four women will be abused at some point - that's how many.

You've got your mum's voice in your head and she's full of crap. What she or anyone else thinks is none of your business.

Your partner obviously thinks you're the bees knees and you're missing out on so much with your mindset.

In the kindest way, you are too old and too intelligent to just swallow your low self esteem as fact, you know it isn’t.

I know I'm too old!

I think that's why I'm trying to work on acceptance andaybe just a last ditch attempt at trying to feel attractive. Otherwise, I'll have spent my entire life just not being good enough.

I'd agree with you. But I've never met anyone who was actually genuinely attracted to me or looked at me and desired me.

And, whilst the opinion of men isn't the be all and end all, it's pretty usual to he desired and found attractive by your partner.

Unless I'm expecting the impossible and it's a rare occurrence.

I find it sad that a 50 year old woman is still loathing her body. Your body sounds great - big boobs and bum and a waist. The type of figure many men would love. But even if it wasn't, so
what?
I'm also 50 and a size 12 but my days of loathing my body are way behind me. I am what I am. I have a big bum and wobbly thighs, terrible varicose veins, small boobs. All fine. DH likes me for me. I don't wear sexy lingerie because it's not my thing - not because I hate my body.

But I've never met anyone who was actually genuinely attracted to me or looked at me and desired me.

Your partner does?

He said he loves your shape.

it's pretty usual to he desired and found attractive by your partner

But he does?