My body...

[SundayMorningMusing]

OK.

I'm 50. Size 12 and with the usual wobbles and body insecurities.

I'm quite curvy in the sense that I have boobs, a waist and hips but my boobs really aren't what they once were and my bum has always been bigger and rounder than I'd like, my tummy is a bit wobbly and i have a c section scar with all the joys that brings... my proportions haven't really changed since my early 20s whether I've been a 10 or a 16.

I've never felt attractive, never felt sexy, never felt quite 'good enough'. Always felt I've been compared unfavourably to other women over the years - firstly, by my mum, then by men and, eventually, by myself...

I don't think I've ever dated anyone who hasn't made a critical observation about my body or my shape either directly; by telling me that, if I tried, I could be attractive; or just by their silence and/or appreciative comments about other women who look nothing like me.

And now here I am. That acceptance and body confidence that I read about other women achieving just hasn't happened for me. And faking the confidence hasn't worked because its when I've felt I looked my best or been my most confident that the criticisms/comments have been more forthcoming.

Anyway. I'm in a relationship and we've been together for around 3 and a half years. It was fine to begin with but those old insecurities are really rearing their head at the moment and I need a bit of guidance.

I know that he would like me to wear 'sexy' underwear. Nothing trashy - just nice lingerie. But I can't. I feel foolish, enormous and that it would just highlight my imperfections. I'd feel slef conscious. I'm sure he'd appreciate the effort but I feel uncomfortable at the idea of comforming to a stereotype and then disappointing because it would still only be me wearing it.

But I do wonder of I could feel differntly about it. I've bought stockings before. But they're languishing in my top drawer unused and unseen because I'm 5'3 and they look ridiculous, cut into my thighs and look the absolute opposite of sexy. Suspender belts just highlight my large lily white arse. And then I remember this and wonder why I'm even posting and put my oodie back on and sit under a blanket on the sofa.

Any words of wisdom?

OK, quick namechange to spare the innocent.

Over the past year I've been exploring all manner of sexual proclivities, including other women, threesomes, foursomes, moresomes and swingers' clubs - all manner of what-have-you - and it's been an incredibly liberating 12 months.

What it's showed me is that you would be amazed at the raw beauty and sexual appeal of all different sizes and shapes of women - some are soft, some are lean, all have different shaped boobs, bum and intimate parts - but all of them are glorious. Why? because they are comfortable.

I have had more than my fair share of sexual partners, both men and women, and at no point have they been judged for the shape or firmness of specific body part, or whether their knickers cut into their hips a little or if they've got hair in unusual places. Their body shapes have not been the important part - it's THEM as an entire human being - their energy, playfulness and desire - which are the things I remember - and I guarantee the person you have having a roll in the hay with will simply be delighting in the fact they are having this marvellous moment with YOU, not your wobbly bum, stubbly legs or unpainted toenails.

Sorry to bump an old thread, but what even is a ‘perfect’ body?

This is exactly how I’ve always felt about my own body although for different reasons to you. I really empathise. x

I've just re read this thread. I'd totally forgotten about it.

It made me a little bit sad because I don't feel any different to I did 6 months ago. But also, I realised that I do feel more 'accepting' of it. I realised that, whenever we go out together, I feel really tense and anxious. I'm torn between not making any effort at all so as not to look ridiculous but also wanting to feel like I've made an effort. But making an effort just makes me feel worse.

I've pretty much stopped going out socially now. I never feel like this when going to work. It doesn't bother me what other people generally think of me. And looking attractive isn't important in my job so it doesn't matter.

@SundayMorningMusing did you ever try counselling to help build your confidence and self esteem? I'm guessing not.
Also if l am not mistaken you have had other posts over the years saying the same things. Your content and style is very familiar. If not l apogise but it does show you are not alone as many women care too much about the male gaze and allow themselves to be defined by it.

You are so with the wrong man.
What a waste of your time.

Many times to be honest.

My mum first took me as a 17 year old to what I suppose was the then equivalent of CAMHS. I don't remember much about it other than there were two people - male and female. The woman asked if I thought I was fat and if I thought she was fat. Thats all I really remember. After a couple of sessions, they suggested my parents sat it on the session so it was more family focused and we never went back. My mum used to say afterwards that it was because I refused. I didn't because I remember feeling quite positive at the suggestion. But we never went again.

I had hypnotherapy at 18.

I had counselling specifically for self esteem in my early 20s. He told me that if I wore make up and dressed more attractively then more men would be interested in me and I'd feel better about myself. So I stopped going.

I was referred for counselling a few times in my 20s but it didn't help and I always felt they were missing the point and didn't get it.

When I was 30, I was referred to a counselling psychologist who did an assessment and whose conclusion was that there was nothing wrong with me that some distance from my mum wouldn't solve. I did eventually stop having contact with her.

I saw two different counsellors/therapists in my late 30s/early 40s. One was specifically focused on self esteem and one was for DBT.

The counsellor stopped the sessions saying she couldn't help me and I just didnt gel with the DBT therapist.

I've done all the things you're supposed to do to raise self esteem. I'm educated and reasonably well qualified. I'm a professional. I've had hobbies, volunteered in various capacities, I've removed negative people from my life, I practice self care and I haven't 'let myself go'. I eat well. I've lost a stone and a half since I first posted and am now a healthy weight. I have my hair done, I dress well. And I don't feel any differently.

You’ve never dated anyone who’s not made a critical comment about your body? Wow! Girl, you’re choosing the wrong partners. I’m in my 60s and have never had this. I’ve ranged from size 10 to 16-18. Currently the latter but have been with someone 20 years younger for 8 years now and he loves my body. I have to say, though, if any partner had negatively commented on mine, they’d have been out the door before the end of their sentence.

There are respectful and loving partners out there but the first step is to love yourself and what you are.

If you are still living with yet another critical prick, then you most certainly haven't removed toxic people from your life.
They are the person closest to you constantly.

Why have you chosen such critical people is the question, on a loop.

I have never had a man criticise me because a hint of it would have been, "who the fxxk does he think he is?".

This is the question.
You are attracted to people who are critical because that is familiar to you from your mother and childhood.

You need to rethink this relationship asap.
Its toxic for you.
Spend time alone finding out how to break your need and comfort from criticism.
Better to be alone than be with someone who makes you feel like shit.

@SundayMorningMusing Well l apogise, re my assumption that you'd not tried counselling, you have certainly been through the mill and had had some horrible experiences. I can quite understand if you've lost trust in counselling although the one that suggested you distancing yourself from your mother was correct as she is obviously at the root of your poor self image. It's a good thing you are no contact now but the damage was done.
As a pp said in the past you've also chosen the wrong men. I am much older and decidedly average but have never had a man comment negatively about my appearance. If he had done so he would have been toast! Kindly l would suggest there's nothing wrong with you at all, your current partner obviously finds you attractive but you second guess his every comment about your appearance and assume the worst. All l can suggest is that you work on accepting yourself for who you are, something you have never learned to do. Your partner loves and fancies you so start by believing him.

I think you are concentrating too much on individual parts of your body and finding different flaws. To an outsider you are perceived as a whole, not bits of you. And nature has a way of mixing everything together so as a whole it works in harmony.
You can't see yourself as a whole. For whatever reason. No idea why.
You need to try and not look at every part of you individually and over analyse it, especially in comparison with what you think looks good.
If you're not doing it already, try exercising as an investment in your future health. Whatever you want to do, it doesn't matter and it doesn't have to be overwhelming and intense. As long as you are consistent, your body will gain tone.
If you really do want to try the more alluring lingerie, just wear what you like. A lot of the sexy stuff just looks silly in my opinion. You're already wearing nice things that fit. Stick to that. And maybe try a babydoll if you must indulge your partner. Only if you really want to. But babydolls are universally flattering.
A size 12 with womanly curves as you described, sounds like a perfectly attractive figure to me.
Stop overanalysing, enjoy your body and invest in your physical and mental health. Forget about the details, it is the overall aspect that others see. And it shouldn't matter what they think.

@SundayMorningMusing This is all so sad reading this as a man. I’ve read what you’ve written, and I just wanted to let you know you’re far from alone with this. I’m 40 myself, so a bit younger than you, and even now I notice things aren’t quite what they used to be. When I head to the gym, I can’t manage what I could a few years back. It’s a bit of a reality check, seeing your body change, and it can get to you if you let it.
You mentioned being 50 and a size 12, and honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Life leaves its marks on all of us. I’ve got a bit more round the middle these days, and a few more lines on my face.

Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror and wonder where the younger lad’s gone. I hate looking at photos, particularly ones from the past. But really, every mark and every change is just part of your story. It means you’ve lived, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

What really got me was when you said you don’t feel special, not really. That hits home that you feel this way. I’ve been there myself, feeling like you’re just in the background, taken for granted. It’s a lonely place, especially when you’re with someone who should be making you feel seen and wanted. You deserve to feel valued. If your fella isn’t making you feel that way, that’s not on you.

Reading your words, it’s clear you’re honest and thoughtful. It takes courage to admit when you’re struggling and to put it out there for others to see. That’s not weakness, that’s proper strength.

There’s a lot to respect in someone who’s genuine and doesn’t pretend everything’s fine.
You keep yourself together and keep going, even when it’s tough. I know from my own life how tiring that can be, trying to keep up appearances and look after everyone else. But you’re still here, still showing up, and that means more than you might realise.

So I just want to say, you’re not invisible and you’re not past it. You deserve to feel special, to be noticed, to be wanted. If your fella can’t see that, it’s his loss. Don’t let anyone make you feel small. You’re enough, just as you are, and always have been.... Keep your chin up.