My body...

[SundayMorningMusing]

OK.

I'm 50. Size 12 and with the usual wobbles and body insecurities.

I'm quite curvy in the sense that I have boobs, a waist and hips but my boobs really aren't what they once were and my bum has always been bigger and rounder than I'd like, my tummy is a bit wobbly and i have a c section scar with all the joys that brings... my proportions haven't really changed since my early 20s whether I've been a 10 or a 16.

I've never felt attractive, never felt sexy, never felt quite 'good enough'. Always felt I've been compared unfavourably to other women over the years - firstly, by my mum, then by men and, eventually, by myself...

I don't think I've ever dated anyone who hasn't made a critical observation about my body or my shape either directly; by telling me that, if I tried, I could be attractive; or just by their silence and/or appreciative comments about other women who look nothing like me.

And now here I am. That acceptance and body confidence that I read about other women achieving just hasn't happened for me. And faking the confidence hasn't worked because its when I've felt I looked my best or been my most confident that the criticisms/comments have been more forthcoming.

Anyway. I'm in a relationship and we've been together for around 3 and a half years. It was fine to begin with but those old insecurities are really rearing their head at the moment and I need a bit of guidance.

I know that he would like me to wear 'sexy' underwear. Nothing trashy - just nice lingerie. But I can't. I feel foolish, enormous and that it would just highlight my imperfections. I'd feel slef conscious. I'm sure he'd appreciate the effort but I feel uncomfortable at the idea of comforming to a stereotype and then disappointing because it would still only be me wearing it.

But I do wonder of I could feel differntly about it. I've bought stockings before. But they're languishing in my top drawer unused and unseen because I'm 5'3 and they look ridiculous, cut into my thighs and look the absolute opposite of sexy. Suspender belts just highlight my large lily white arse. And then I remember this and wonder why I'm even posting and put my oodie back on and sit under a blanket on the sofa.

Any words of wisdom?

Wrong men for sure.
I would be done and out the door at the first hint of criticism.
Not because I am great, but because I would genuinely think what a rude twat, who the hell does he think he is.

Tolerating that for a second is a bad idea.

OP, have you not come across sniper valley in your circle?

So many women I know have had breast cancer in the past 10 years, aging is suchba privilege, as is a healthy body.

Don't waste time with someone who doesn't love and appreciate you.

Yes please! And thank you.

Do you have a link?

He didn't tell me I looked nice in something I wore. He specifically asked me to dress like someome else.

You seem to have found yourself a lot of shitty men, most likely measuring you against the standards of the (mostly very young) women they see in porn.

There's nothing wrong with a 'large lily white arse', in fact some people are actively trying to get one. And you say it's round - round is good!

Enjoy your curves, they will feel wonderful to your partner. Plump and rounded skin is actually really tactile. He can cuddle you and it feels like a wonderful soft shape. I bet he really adores you.

Being sexy is ALL about attitude, nothing about looks. It's the way you stand, talk, feel good about yourself. Fake it till you make it - seriously. I look terrible if I just stand in front of the mirrow. But if I pose and twist I look awesome! (even if there's no-one to share it with 😆)

Celebrate your shape - it actually sounds pretty gorgeous!

This article will help you understand why you think the way you do;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

You don't have to live this way - you can change.

OP I’m wondering if your own negative opinion of yourself is impacting the way you’re hearing/perceiving comments being made, maybe you’re hearing something that isn’t actually being said. I fancy my husband, I think he’s gorgeous, I love his body and his style, but I’ve seen someone on TV or a show for example and said to my husband that I think he’d really suit x outfit like him, or if we’re out together and I see someone in a nice outfit I’d say “that would look great on you” etc. That’s not me criticising him or saying I wish he was someone else, just that I love that outfit and think he’d look good in it!

And vice versa.

I’ve also definitely seen actors etc and said they’re good looking, so has he, we’re married but we’re not blind, if he tells me Margot Robbie looks sexy I know he’s not saying that he doesn’t find ME sexy, he’s making a comment and he’s right- she is!

It’s very possible that you’re taking these comments as personal insults when they’re not meant to be.

He clearly has a fantasy about this person and I think it's a bit off that he's openly asking you to dress like her.
However, it doesn't mean he doesn't like your body. Just that he wants to act out the fantasy.

I’ve never quite understood the sexy lingerie thing. I get that it’s alluring to men because their sexuality is based on the visual. But what do women get out of it? I suspect not a lot given that women largely prefer comfort and support around their nethers and boobs. Plus it all comes off when things get going.

I just think you need to set aside your bodily insecurities (and those who’ve added to them) and really think about what makes you feel sexy. What is it about your body that you like? What makes you feel good? Just you. Not in relation to others. For example, I’m grossly overweight and genuinely have a horrid body, but I do like my cleavage and my slim calves, so I dress to emphasise those when I want to feel nice.

I also don’t beat myself up about my stretch marked floppy belly - that’s the legacy of my three wonderful children (and some good feasting and living) and I’m never going regret that. Fuck anyone who says otherwise. It’s a reminder of the joy in my life.

I think ultimately this boils down to the heart of many problems women have. They put the opinions and feelings of everyone else before themselves. Men don’t do that which is why their self esteem, even if they’re a dud, is intact. They put themselves first every time. Their dick, their wants, their time, their priorities, everything - always them first. Time to put yourself first op. Do you even want to wear sexy underwear? Does it turn you on? If not, ask yourself why are you doing it?

The problem isn’t your body. The problem is your thinking. Clearly it’s learned due to your mother. This has dented your self esteem and you’ve been conditioned to think poorly of yourself, to base your self worth on your physical attributes. You are more than your body. Unfortunately, you’re early conditioning from your mother has lead you to relationships with abusive men who have continued to put you down where you’re mother left off. These are not healthy relationships. You need to end your relationship and seek counselling. The fact that you think a size 12 at age 50 is enormous when the average uk size is a 14 speaks volumes. Have a read of this book on self esteem and then get some therapy. I think it’s possible that you’ve developed a form of body dysmorphia as how you look and how you think you look are diametrically opposed.

https://ia600704.us.archive.org/31/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf

Doesn’t every woman feel
like this? I know I do! But I have just come back from holiday and not one woman there had a perfect body around the pool, not even the younger woman without kids! Lots of sagging boobs and cellulite and lumpy bits

But, ignoring that one (what may have been a throwaway) comment about wearing an outfit he thought you’d look nice in, he has told you that you are attractive to him.

What does the poor guy need to do? Your mum is the one at fault here. Because she sowed that seed of doubt in you, you have picked up on every comment since.

But genuinely, if you feel you’re a bit wobbly, do something about it. It will be good for your bone health and your self esteem.

I advise you to seek therapy for poor body image.

The most critical person of a woman’s body is, usually, the one that studies it in the mirror.

Mrsttcno1

Oh I've been through all of that with myself.

And I have also considered that my self perception might be influencing how I interpret what he says and even hear it.

I know that if I felt confident in myself, some of the things he has said wouldn't have bothered and they didn't initially becaise I did feel more confident and confident in how he felt about me and what he thought about me too. But there have been a few little things that have taken me aback a little bit and made me doubt what I thought I knew. And maybe they wouldn't have bothered anyone else they did me. They really haven't been big things but just little comments that have made me think "Oh. OK. Maybe I was wrong about that then." Or that have contradicted things he'd previously said.

Why do you think he's with you if he doesn't find you attractive?

He didn't suggest an outfit that he rhought I'd look good in, he specifically asked to dress like someone else.

The other things were "I think you should wear that" "why" "she looks really.good in it". Not he thought I'd look nice in it. But that she did. It's a subtle.difference but I've had it before. A previous boyfriend used to say things like "ive always thought women look really nice in..." something I was wearing. Not that I did. And he didn't mean me. The unspoken was "its a shame you don't".

You are right, though, I should do something about my wobbliness!

On the planet that is one's brain. It's a very very powerful planet. And on a mothers planet who makes comments about her daughters body when she isn't overweight.

Urgh. I don't.know. none of it makes sense in my head.

I think he finds me attractive 'enough'. I don't think he desires me but I don't think he finds me off putting. He's not actively turned off by me but can take me or leave me unless his interest has been piqued elsewhere (I assume).

You'd never put us together on paper but we're ridiculously compatible in many ways. We get on well. We add balance to each other's lives. We laugh a lot. We enjoy spending our free time in similar ways. We enjoy the same music, both like history, both love camping... day to day life is easy.

Exactly.

www.curvykate.com/products/scantilly-indulgence-multiway-stretch-lace-body-dusty-rose?variant=45177981632667

And an Instagram. Pic of it

I'm older than you by a few years and I have been big and I've been slim but men have never been anything other than positive tbh. And believe me, my body is not that good at all. I'm what mumsnetters would describe as "boxy". But I've never been with a man who's said anything negative - or at least not to my face!

I find it hard to believe that a women of your age who is of average size with a - by your own description - a curvy body, would go though life being continually criticised by men about her body. Your body sounds great and tbh what most men like.

With all due respect, I think a lot of it is in your head.

And how do you respond if a partner compliments you? Do you dismiss it, say oh no my bum's disgusting, I'm fat, I look awful etc by which time the man has disappeared down a hole wishing he'd said nothing.

You are more then your body, OP. Are you with your DP because he looks a certain way? Of course you are not! And he's with you because he loves you and desires you for the person you are. This is all in your head OP.

I agree with your point that it's hard to imagine OP continually being criticised for her curvy body.
I'm 50, my body has never been sexy. I've been too fat, too thin. I'm tall and pear shaped so have always had a very big (out of proportion) bum and disproportionately small breasts. A man has never criticised my body. A couple of women have made catty remarks but never men.
If men have made comments to you OP, I wonder if your low self-esteem is making you misread them? The current comment from your partner seems to be acting out a fantasy, rather than criticising your body.
Even if men have been rude about your figure, so what? Your self-esteem shouldn't be dependent on what men think of your body.

The examples you've given sound perfectly normal to me.

My DH saw a celeb (one he's had a bit of a thing for for years) on the telly recently and told me her jumper was great, really suited her. I agreed. I've since bought myself something similar because I liked it so much.

My husband wasn't asking me to dress like her. He wasn't telling me he wants me to look like her or her prefers her to me.

I suppose what I'm saying is that you seem to be viewing what your OH says through the primsm of your mother and her awful comments. She damaged your seldf confidence which is just awful - she's the person who should have been building it up.

If you had some self confidence, the things your OH said wouldn't be offensive.

He tells you he finds you attractive. He's with you. You should believe those things and work on your own self confidence. Otherwise you risk wrecking a decent relationship because of something that's in your head. Which would be a shame for you, and not fair on him.

Feel free to tell me to fuck off if this isn't welcome OP and I'll leave the thread.

My DP hates her body and has for the 20 years we've been together. She's mid 40s, 5ft and a size 14, maybe pushing a 16 at the moment. She has wobbly bits and cellulite and a big nose and wonky teeth and a whole bunch of other imperfections. And I hope to god she never finds my Mumsnet account because she'd be tremendously upset to see that written down.

But the thing is, she's beautiful. I'm not saying I don't see the imperfections, because I do, she's pointed them all out to me enough times over the years. And she's not beautiful despite the imperfections, the imperfections are a part of what make her beautiful. And literally the only thing that could make her more beautiful to me would be if she understood and accepted how beautiful she is.

She had her teeth fixed a couple of years ago, had veneers put over the top ones. Objectively, her teeth look "better" now, and I'm happy for her because she's not bothered about smiling in front of other people any more, so she's happier. I kind of miss the old smile though, the smile I fell in love with 20 years ago.

She hates me looking at her with her clothes off. She'll walk around naked when I'm in the room, but god forbid I pay attention, because then I get asked what I'm looking at, what's wrong. And she vastly prefers the lights off or the covers over her or some clothes on during sex. But sometimes, when the sex is really good, she'll just stop caring. For a couple of minutes she just forgets all the hangups, and allows herself to be uninhibited. And for those few minutes she is truly stunning, and as far as I'm concerned the most beautiful person on the planet.

I'd love for her to have that confidence more often, I'd love for her to feel comfortable in sexy lingerie etc. Hell, I'd love for her to just be able to go on a night out without spending 4 hours convincing herself beforehand that she looks horrible.

@SundayMorningMusing , when your partner tells you you're beautiful, he means it. When he mentions you wearing something sexy, it's not because he's humouring you, or wants to fantasize about someone else wearing it, or wants to humiliate you. It's because he wants to see you in sexy lingerie.

I'm not trying to say you look perfect. Noone does. I'm not even trying to say that he doesn't see your imperfections. Of course he can see them. What I'm trying to say is that those imperfections don't matter to him, they may even be part of the reason he fell for you in the first place.