My body...

[SundayMorningMusing]

OK.

I'm 50. Size 12 and with the usual wobbles and body insecurities.

I'm quite curvy in the sense that I have boobs, a waist and hips but my boobs really aren't what they once were and my bum has always been bigger and rounder than I'd like, my tummy is a bit wobbly and i have a c section scar with all the joys that brings... my proportions haven't really changed since my early 20s whether I've been a 10 or a 16.

I've never felt attractive, never felt sexy, never felt quite 'good enough'. Always felt I've been compared unfavourably to other women over the years - firstly, by my mum, then by men and, eventually, by myself...

I don't think I've ever dated anyone who hasn't made a critical observation about my body or my shape either directly; by telling me that, if I tried, I could be attractive; or just by their silence and/or appreciative comments about other women who look nothing like me.

And now here I am. That acceptance and body confidence that I read about other women achieving just hasn't happened for me. And faking the confidence hasn't worked because its when I've felt I looked my best or been my most confident that the criticisms/comments have been more forthcoming.

Anyway. I'm in a relationship and we've been together for around 3 and a half years. It was fine to begin with but those old insecurities are really rearing their head at the moment and I need a bit of guidance.

I know that he would like me to wear 'sexy' underwear. Nothing trashy - just nice lingerie. But I can't. I feel foolish, enormous and that it would just highlight my imperfections. I'd feel slef conscious. I'm sure he'd appreciate the effort but I feel uncomfortable at the idea of comforming to a stereotype and then disappointing because it would still only be me wearing it.

But I do wonder of I could feel differntly about it. I've bought stockings before. But they're languishing in my top drawer unused and unseen because I'm 5'3 and they look ridiculous, cut into my thighs and look the absolute opposite of sexy. Suspender belts just highlight my large lily white arse. And then I remember this and wonder why I'm even posting and put my oodie back on and sit under a blanket on the sofa.

Any words of wisdom?

I agree.

But I've not been 'drawn' to these men. None of them have been like this at the start and I'm generally out of there as soon as they are.

I mean, I've had first dates with men who made comments and that just never went any further. I've not sought them out and, regarding men I've entered a relationship with, I've not had any reason to suspect they were arseholes but then, around 6 months in, the comments started... so I've ended it.

I didn't this time because everything else was so good and I genuinely started to think that maybe all men think/feel like this about their partners and I'm just more bothered by it than other women who maybe just roll their eyes and ignore them.

You say no men have ever found you desirable, but although you may feel like that's true - logically it's just so unlikely. Look around you, at women of all different shapes and sizes - do you think they're all undesirable?
Different men will find different shapes attractive. As many men love big bums and curvy shapes as love slim, toned bodies.
I think you need to try and fight against your negative thoughts, though obviously that's not easy after all these years.

I've read all your comments and I see what you are saying but even he has suggested ways I could be 'attractive' to him or commented on other women.

If they do it even when claiming to 'love your body' it's incongruent.

Well suggesting that he’d like you to wear pink knickers or whatever is not a crime, just say so if you don’t want to.

Tell him to stop commenting on other women, and if he doesn’t, get rid of him. Or get rid of him anyway.

Honestly move your focus onto your internal dialogue with yourself, sort that out and you will attract more worthwhile men.

I know it's unlikely. That's partly why it's so hard.

They've obviously been attracted to he enough in the beginning when I'm fully clothed or in the first few weeks/months when the novelty of someone new is still there but, once they feel comfortable, the comments/suggestions/criticisms start.

Tbh, I'm just fed up of hearing "you'd be really attractive if..." or "why don't you just try..." type comments.

Well, I’d work through it with a professional -

But it’s not usual for every partner to get critical six months in, so I suspect that there are earlier signs that you aren’t spotting, that do chime with you, but you only notice when it gets obvious.

I might be wrong but it would be the mother of all coincidences if not

Two options, learn to love yourself whatever side or shape you are or start a health and fitness regime to get your body up to scratch.

As I understand men can be drawn in by novelty- it’s not that you aren’t good enough so much as they have a short attention span and notice things that change rather than things that stay the same.

What Makes you feel good? Forget about looks. I used to love being touched through my underwear, and I like the feeling of satin moving on my skin. Think more about what you like, and less about guessing what he wants you to look like.

I think your mum didn’t just undermine your confidence in your appearance, she taught you to think more about the way you look to others than about what you want.

Mine did the same. I was forever seeking approval until I realised that was a waste of my time and effort and in fact none of my business.

I am enough, whether well groomed or scruffy, at my healthiest weight or not.

No offence but on what planet is a size 12 enormous?

The OP might be very short!

I think you need counselling to address the deep seated insecurities. Because objectively it sounds like you have a lovely figure - size 12, boobs, a waist, bottom and hips - all very desirable attributes!

Different men will find different shapes attractive. As many men love big bums and curvy shapes as love slim, toned bodies.

Well that's what I'd assumed too.

I assume only men who find 'curves' attractive would be attracted to me in the first place. Some have even been complimentary. But it still hasn't stopped the comparisons, suggests, comments, criticisms from creeping in at some point.

My partner hasn't said anything after I asked him to stop. But it doesn't unsay the things that have been said.

https://youtube.com/shorts/L8Oqr5Iza-E?si=lVxxXhvGmgneYcsT

But he isn’t talking about your body. He’s talking about your clothes. There’s a big difference.

Suggesting you would look great in certain clothes or underwear doesn’t mean he thinks there’s anything wrong with your body. Quite the opposite, actually - it sounds like he wants you to celebrate your body and show it off, rather than hide it away! That is a man who definitely finds your body very attractive and would love you to make the most of it. That is not ‘incongruent’.

I think you have some major self-esteem issues and are interpreting what he says as criticism of your body and a sign that he doesn’t find you attractive. He clearly does find you attractive, and he tells you that and obviously wants sex with you. I suspect that whatever he said to you, you would still refuse to accept that he fancies you.

The fact that you think you are enormous at a size 12 is also a sign that you have a skewed notion of your own attractiveness.

I guess I don't feel like I have the right to like anything. I feel ridiculous, unattractive and a fraud.

It sounded like he didn't find me attractive enough and so needed to be able to fantasise that he was with someone else (who he's maintained an attraction to for very many years) to make it work for him.

I've not had a long term relationship (this is the longest) so I don't know if this is normal.

I said I feel enormous not that I'm saying I am.

Do you want an underwear suggestion? If you don't then it's ok, but I bought a bodysuit thing. It's incredibly flattering on the boobs and bum and covers up my stomach
I'm a size 16/18 and had nothing but positive comments on it

Do you have a sexlife with your partner?

Doesn't he touch you and seem enthusiastic about shagging you?

It doesn't matter if I'm loved or whether it's just a short term fling. Physically, I'm just not attractive to men.

Seriously, why does it matter? There are plenty of enjoyable things to do with your life that don't involve being attractive to men.

I think it's normal to let your partner know what you find attractive in them. I often tell my DH I prefer it when he doesn't shave because he looks sexy with stubble. I also think he looks good with a new haircut and in certain clothes. I tell him. I'm not controlling or trying to change him (he can wear/do what he wants) but I just tell him when he looks particularly sexy to me. Maybe that's all your partner is doing?

I'm 50 and for me, the best thing about being 50 is I no longer give a f*ck! In my teens and 20s I obsessed about my body. I genuinely thought that if I didn't have the ideal, model type body then I was hideous. I used to starve myself. Now I just want to be happy and healthy. DH seems to like my 50 year old wobbly body. If he doesn't, that's his problem not mine. Our relationship is so much more than the state of my body. If I was just a body to him, I wouldn't be with him.

It does sound like you have very low self esteem.

Indeed.

Interesting. I've been out with solely abusive or nasty dickheads, who've treated me abysmally.

However, none has ever said anything rude about how I look.

I haven't been less than a 16 since I was about 21.

I’m sorry you experienced that, but you’ve nailed the reason - how dare you not be desperate for their approval... The issue was theirs, not you.

Was there anything that particularly helped boost your self confidence that you could try again?

I’m not sure how your partner has shared his preferences with you, but I have told previous partners I found them attractive in particular clothes (suits) and with certain hair styles (longer), and this never meant I didn’t find them attractive generally.

Men are more likely to be attracted to someone who is confident in their bed and happy in their own skin.

Haven't you noticed very good looking men but their wife or girlfriend isn't the best looking but she is happy and confident?

Most men don't want someone trying to hide under the bed covers or turn the light off or keep their nightie on!

They get turned on by enthusiasm and willingness!

You standing in front of a full length mirror picking yourself to pieces is very sad. When you jump into bed, he's not inspecting your body and doesn't see all of it in one go, he's focussing on kissing your lips, your necks, your breasts and nipples and down below and in turn you touching, kissing, caressing and we sucking his body!

It's being body vicious and not letting yourself go that is the turn off not your actual body.

Oh OP I do get it. I suffered the same until the last 5 years. I basically had to make a conscious decision to believe I was good enough. It was a decision to do it until I believed it because I realised that life is too short.
Your partner will always find lots of different women attractive, in the same way that you or I do Nevertheless he finds you attractive. He does. And he isn’t perfect. Once you’ve made that decision and you can walk the talk so to speak you’ll ooze confidence and your attractiveness becomes self-fulfilling. Please believe me. It’s true. Life is too short to not love that gorgeous body you have.

And this is what you need to work on. Other things will fall into place.

Years ago I was on holiday, failing to enjoy myself because of the way I looked. I was struggling with needing to cover up, avoiding certain foods…

I saw another family having a fabulous time. They are what they liked, ran around regardless of what they looked like, really enjoyed themselves.

I tried hard to learn from them. My holiday was for me to enjoy and have fun on, not for other people to score my looks or judge my food.

It doesn’t come easily still. Mum punctured my confident bubble at the first opportunity. But I still make an effort to recapture that outlook.

Your life is for you to enjoy. You don’t have to earn it or deserve it. It’s yours.