Please someone hold my hand

[Purplesphere11]

Mane changed for this. Today I was discarded by my narcissistic partner. We were together 2 years and lived together. He discarded me many times in the past but for the last 9 months things seemed ok (that's the longest he's gone without discarding me.). I won't say it came out of nowhere as last week in our local bar he said he wanted me gone. I asked why did you have sex with me this afternoon and he said I wanted to F you one last time. This was in front of friends and neighbours.

I made sure that was the last time and I had moved possessions out of the flat. Things he wouldn't notice of mine. Last night he seemed fine and then started saying he wanted me gone.

I'm badly truma bonded to.this man. He's done some sick evil things to me in two years and I let him. He's humiliated me, abandoned me, cheated on me, made me have accidents, gaslit me, shouted at me, driven away and walked away when we've been out. He was not even a bit bothered while I packed. He went food shopping then came back and started cooking? Like wtf. Twisted.

I'm now with family but they don't understand as they haven't witnessed narcissist abuse. I'm completely bereft. Too numb to cry.

That man has been taken your oxygen the entire time. Now you can breathe.

Please do the freedom programme and contact women's aid. Maybe some counselling. Please stay strong and stay away from him.

There is nothing worth going back for.

Delete the line ‘and I let him’ from your psyche. The shame is HIS. He is a nasty little prick. You are a kind person who he has abused. No ‘let him’ about it.

You will not believe this now because your world has been flipped upside down, but believe me he has done you a big favour.

But be prepared, he will come back, these types always do, and you must stay strong. Because he will bring his A Game, lovebomb you into believing he has changed and profess his regret, but if you take him back, it will be worse. I've been in this cycle myself and very recently have ended a relationship like this, and every "new attempt" of the relationship ends the same and always so much more painful.

Write lists- like you have in your post, of all the awful things he has done to you, how you've felt since being with him. If you can access therapy, do it. Read "Women who love too much".

You didn't let him do anything, someone who cares or loves someone doesn't treat them badly, this is all on him and his insecure, soulless being x

Thank you for your kind wisdom all of you. He's discarded me so many times in the past and as I say the last 9 months were the longest without discard so I thought he'd changed. I do blame myself as I'd be in a better place had I not fallen for his pleading 9 months ago and gone back to him. He's a wicked bastard. He even drove me and my stuff to my family home. He hugged me and told me to be happy. I'm a pretty strong old bird but the last 2 years have almost broken me. And now this. I've blocked him but he will just make a new email and contact me. That's his usual tactic. He's a vile coward.

If he makes a new email to contact you. Block the email address, the only way is to move forward now.

From someone who was in a similar situation, I can only advise you to go no contact and focus on yourself. Doing that was really hard for me but I look back now and wonder why I put up with 7 years of horrendous behaviour (my self-esteem was through the floor so that’s why). My only regret is that I even went out with such a horrible person in the first place. You will feel the same one day.
It hurts now but please go no contact for your sanity. You will be glad you did

PS there are lots of resources online about recovering from narcissistic abuse. I joined an online forum which saved my sanity and helped me to heal. Get yourself some counselling to help you process it all and stay away from him. And others are right. He will probably try to hook you in again. I never thought in a million years that mine would try to come back after discarding me but he did - twice. Luckily, I was strong enough by that point to recognise his contact for what it was - a power play. If I’d responded, he’d have revelled in the fact that I’d replied and would have discarded me all over again. So I ignored him.

Life will get better l, I promise.

Thank you. I've been discarded about 25 times. This is the last. He's a nut job. Now it's time for me to think about me. This time I'm done

Well done on leaving him. Next time give it a few years before moving in with a partner, then they are easier to get rid of if they turn out to be abusive or controlling.

If you're anything like me you'll be all over the place swinging between love and hate. 💔

Oh I definitely hate him.

Yes. I mean I'm nearly 50. He's older. I had been married prior for 23 years. I thought at our time of life we knew what we wanted. I thought he adored me as I did him

I'm too emotional and sentimental, I wish I was stronger.

I am too but I know this much. They're ill. Mentally ill. Go on quora and type in narcissistic abuse. Read. Read every spare minute. Think. Think and let the pain come in. Are you worth more? That's a yes btw. We are healing. We've been duped by the most evil bastard's ever. One day at a time. We will heal. I'm buying soup to sip. I've not eaten well for over a week. I've been boozing. You will get past this as will I. And when we do we will look back at those bastard's and laugh. They were beneath us. They are cowards. Women abusing shitbags. It will be ok. I'm nearly 12 hours out of it and I know it will be ok. Life is a gift and I intend to be grateful. Now get on quora and read. I particularly like Sophia Bell. She's been there and bought the t-shirt. We will be as strong as her one day. Self care my darling. We've been to war.

You can't be discarded. You are a person, not an object to be flung away at will.

You can be broken up with, told to leave, pulled back in, manipulated, abused, and I hope you are finding your way out of that cycle. It sounds like you are.

But no one has ever discarded you and they never will. I hope you start seeing yourself as a human in your own right and not someone else's possession.

@Purplesphere11 You are so strong. I don't have a lot to add as I'm writing this half asleep, but I'm struck by the measured and clever way you write. You are so self aware and such a powerful woman. 12 hours out and you're able to come here and not only grieve, but help another woman. You should be so proud of yourself.

Don't ever let this evil cunt back into your life. You deserve so much more. It's time for you to bloom. ❤️

I've blocked him but he will just make a new email and contact me. That's his usual tactic. He's a vile coward.
You shouldn’t have to do this but you could set yourself up with a new email address and notify your contacts. Then his will be going to an account you no longer have to look at but he won’t know that.

Thank you. I'm not sure I'm strong. I think I just have got to the point where I've had enough of his BS. Sink or swim. I can either let him consume me and win or I get my act together and be happy again. No contest. I have no time for evil in my life. Never again

Having a tough day. I miss him. I love him. I know I need to stay away. I did something stupid the other night to get revenge. Wish I hadn't now. It will only give him supply

I think most of us have done that at some point, particularly with a narc, so forgive yourself.

I was with my ex narc on and off for 5 years. During that time I even had a non-mol put in place so he would leave me the F alone and stop cycling between me and the OW. After 9 months, I stupidly broke it and I can honestly say that within weeks I really regretted that I'd done that and I spent the following 15 months trying to get free of him, only to be pulled in with his sob stories every time I ended things. He pulled a real shiner of a stunt the last time, which made him feel like he'd discarded me (though I'd already said I didn't want to be with him any more, didn't like or love him. Still, if he feels that he's dropped me but keeps away, I'm happy for him to have this way of thinking).

You know how it is with narcs. The beginning is fabulous and any reconciliation the same, but you know how it goes down eventually. You can still grieve a relationship even though you know it was toxic and isn't meant to be. I remember reading a quote that I kept on my phone which said "you can love someone but still say goodbye to them. You can miss a person every day and still be glad that they are no longer in your life". It really makes sense.

One thing I did was write down all of the advantages of no longer seeing him: I could wear what I like, speak to whom I chose, wouldn't be triangulated or abused, wouldn't be kept awake until the early hours with circular arguments, would have better mental health, wouldn't have to massage his ego or be his armchair therapist any more, wouldn't have to be in a state of anxiety about whether or not I was being lied to/cheated on etc. These and many more things gave me more 'pro's' to stay away. I still miss things about him because I'm grieving, and of course you will, too.

But. I've bought a house. I've widened my circle of friends. My work is a better quality. I laugh more. I am moving on, as you will. One day you will be looking back over your shoulder and shaking your head in disbelief that you were even interested in him.

We all have times like yours, lovey. It will pass. Grieve. Cry, Write. Drink. Smoke. Then when you feel a little better one day, do something you fancy which you wouldn't have been able to do without a ruckus. You have this. xx

Excellent advice and thank you for grounding me. On my better days I see this. Today is a bad day. I want to speak to him. I want to scalp my replacement. I'm broken today. Utterly bereft. I've felt such pain. Not ever. I'm nearly 50 with kids and grandchildren and I've had my fair share of knocks be he, he has killed me. If I hadn't had time with my granddaughter today I don't think I'd be here. I'm broken beyond all measure. And ashamed of that.

Don't you be ashamed. You remember that he made you feel more loved than anyone else in your life ever had before, and so the withdrawal is the WORST. Remember, the loving part IS the mask - not the cruel part. The cruelty is who he REALLY is.

Let's think about this. You don't know at this juncture whether he will or won't try to contact you as a result of your 'revenge'. What would you feel if he does respond? Elation? Joy? Happiness? What if he gives to a malignant response where he's cruel or dismissive - or - a classic narc play - no response at all??

How long will it be before you feel that ebbing and think to yourself 'oh God... now he knows he has me again'. And what happens then? Fear? Crippling anxiety? Dread? Do you want to put yourself through that again? Think of the end result, not the one where you hope for his hoover, because that is about YOU needing HIS validation, and that requires introspection as to why you need that. I know, I went through this myself.

I have done 'revenge' on my ex narc in spectacular style when I've been in agony, and I've felt the same as you - genuinely suicidal and in pain. I've taken a month off on the sick in the past, at that sort of thing. I had countless counselling and meds. It really is keep trying to quit, just like it is for any addiction. It is agony I agree, but it is withdrawal and you have to keep in mind that there is something in YOU that wants and craves what you are missing from HIM. Not the memories, not the approval, not the (albeit you didn't know) 'conditional love'.

On a few occasions I took 'revenge' on the ex now I think about it! Some of them have been amusing and some have been a mic drop moment. But the OW stuck by him. Why? Cos he'd fed her all the BS he'd been feeding me. What do you think he's doing atm? Feeding her BS. She's getting exactly the same treatment you first got and eventually, she'll get the shitty treatment too. I'm not ashamed to say that I took a lot of satisfaction in that knowledge, and of course, he did the same to her eventually because that's what narcs do. Hopefully by the time he drops her and returns for a hoover, you will have moved on enough to be tempted, but not return.

As I say, we all have bad days. Bad weeks, bad months. I caused a situation deliberately for mine to end in November 24, and here I am in Feb 25 and I'm still grieving and I will be for some time - but then comes recovering. Just like being an addict, you have to reflect upon your own reasons for wanting something you know is bad for you and where does it stem from? Reflecting on this helps distract from the focus on him, and the 'good times'.

I loved my ex. Thought he was sexy, handsome, good in bed, creative, had 'loads' in common (but I can expand on that BS with a simple example of how that wasn't true and likely isn't for you either, if you wish). But he was a lying, cheating, gaslighting, abusive, twat. So why did I want his 'approval' so badly? Why was his 'love' more important to me than anything else? I know the answer for me. Have you thought of yours?

You're strong, lass. You've got this far. <3

Thank you so much. Well the hoover came this morning. I've not replied. I had him blocked on everything but email as it's pointless. He just creates a new account so I didn't bother blocking. He loves me with all his heart bless him. He can fuck off. Sorry but he's just baiting me. And I knew he would be shit without me. Always is. No more. I end this with silence

Not sure what happened there but anyway. I got a hoover this morning. I'm not replying. I just want him to leave me alone

Set up a rule to divert his incoming email to a separate folder. Name it something appropriate. Then all you have to do is delete the folder contents, you won't glimpse anything on deleting or be tempted to read.